As an update

I’ve had a friend come over tonight, for a catchup. She asked about my well being and I spoke about this situation, she helped give some advice on how things are and what path to take. It’s been similar to the advice given on here. I have more of a clear mind than I did before.

Thank you to all who commented on here, it’s really helped to shed light on things, how I see the situation and also conflict within myself that I need to resolve. I just need to look into the tools I need to help with that process.

I think it’s the entirety of who I am that needs changing. I’ve been in this skin for 32 years, I help others where I can, I like when people laugh, I enjoy company, I prefer to live a life of being self sufficient and reusing old rather than new, I travel and enjoy new experiences. I’ve been told i’m too nice, I’ll offer lifts if someone is in need. Things like that. I’ve had people who I saw as friends who didn’t enjoy my company unless it benefited them in some way – a refusal to come over for coffee (and from third parties I know this is because i’m ‘strange’) but more than happy to know me when a vehicle needs fixing.

I can tell by looking at other people I know of and their relationships that the qualities I possess are flaws, men should enjoy sports and not read, the ones who have a long term partner are the men who are aggressive by nature, unafraid to talk to their spouse negatively.

I have been told by people that I look stupid if I smile, that my laugh is grating, that I will not achieve anything in life because of how I look.

I guess the solution to the question I asked is to delete her number and never contact her again. I should know that my place in life is that of solitude and make the most of it.

I’ll tackle the real world encounters first:

Ridicule has been laughter, comments to belittle me for suggesting a date, the vomiting was because I have a (trimmed) beard and they are disgusting (I wish I were making this up but she was dry heaving and saying ‘oh my god that’s disgusting’).

Online:

Ghosting happens frequently, i’ve started to acknowledge that it’s how things are now and it’s considered acceptable. As is standing a date up, it’s easier to not show up than it is to say you’re not going to attend.

The photo part was after a few days on good conversation, she asked if I had any better photos of myself that don’t involve a hat or sunglasses, she immediately removed me as a contact (on tinder doing this means the conversation is deleted and you can no longer contact the person).

I’ve learnt to keep a wall up to protect myself, not get involved and see any dates as nothing more than a drink and a chat with someone. I try to be honest about how I approach dating so that I don’t hurt others. If someone approaches me and I don’t think it’s a match i’ll politely decline, talk to them about it and (if it’s a real life encounter who I know of already) check up the next day to make sure they’re ok. I’m under no illusions that romance has to be there for both parties, nobody is owed anything.

With the girl i’ve asked advice about we met online but we have mutual friends, went to the same college, share the same interests, have similar hobbies. We both admitted feelings towards the other, kept in contact nearly each day and saw each other fairly regularly. I, like a fool, let down the defences I had built up and allowed myself to feel something for her. She then decides she isn’t ready to date but would like to stay friends, ever since she gives short responses to messages and never instigates them. I feel bad because I would genuinely like to stay friends, if she decided she was ready to date and found someone else then I would be happy for her – I have one ex partner who I still consider a friend.

I can’t shake the feeling that she realised that what she thought I was and the reality of who I am are entirely different things, she ended it because she realised I’m really nothing. It hurts but it’s not at all surprising.