Thank you for reaching out, and for the kind words, hearing them helped tremendously.

I believe that perspective may just be one of the largest issues. Having my head stuck either in a book or in the clouds my entire life has undoubtedly led to a top-down perspective in life. Perhaps the view from the bottom-up looks something more like the step you have in front of you. I’m certainly not qualified for very much which narrows the decisions I could make for the next step fairly drastically, potentially that is for the best.

The reason I see this problem being as important as I do is due to the cycles of depression. I always imagined the emotional lows in life largely came from adolescent hormones but honestly they feel as though they’ve gotten much more difficult. The last cycle took me out of the game for almost a year and a half now and a lot of it was spurred by my age and a lack of stability. While I fully understand that I need to stop comparing, treat myself better, take things one step at a time etc (the list could go on for pages), it’s only a temporary relief because my mind is always chewing on the larger problem. Ultimately I know what will work is a clear sense of direction. Naturally, that isn’t something you can force, but it’s importance really feels paramount in times of distress, and every day without it seems to cause distress.

I wish I knew which questions to ask, both to myself and others that might lead the thought process into territory that made more sense. If I were giving someone else advice I would tell them that mistakes were simply going to be a part of the journey and that they probably couldn’t get it right, and all that meant was you had to pick your head up and try again. However, the volatility of emotions after extreme failure scares me more than I can comprehend because it really feels like my mind may “win’ the next battle in the worst way. While I understand that failure is still likely, I feel like it’s vital that I at least make decisions based off of something other than desperate emotions to maximize my chances of at least feeling that my life has some sense of direction. Up until now I’ve tried the throw everything at the wall and see what sticks method many times and it’s the only thing I know won’t work. Unfortunately, it feels like the only weapon I have in my arsenal and I don’t know what to do other than to finally reach out.