Hi Tinymoon…read your post with empathy….I am at a (kind of) similar place, but at the tender age of 54. I then read Matt’s reply and felt it was excellent. I am at the point he describes where he says “Easier said than done!” However, I have realised within myself there is no real way back once you start to awaken and that awakening is not a joyous event, (for me, anyway!) but rather a “seeing” process and a “feeling” process. I am starting to see and accept many thoughts, some of the past, some of the present, which I had or have never fully felt and confronting them is challenging BUT…Matt says to talk to the little kitten…you as the unknowing child…..and how things possibly could not have been any different. That, it seems to me, is the reality of MY experience. I found relief and comfort in Matt’s reply and wish you every piece of luck, as well as the strength to go on. I now realise, more than ever before, that it is MY internal struggle and I will only be “better” when I come to some sort of peace within myself. This site is excellent, I am using a number of other methods which are helping greatly with my challenges but I am very aware that this will take time, it will not be in anyway instant. But this is now a major life goal……to know myself, to be aware, to accept myself. I may never arrive, but I hope to, at some point, start enjoying the journey. I think, once the hurdle of seeing maybe the lies we have told ourselves to protect ourselves lifts, some kind of joy in our existence will start to shine on us,

I hope it does for you.

Ed….I am undergoing a “waking up”. I have found the work of Nathaniel Branden extremely helpful…..about self esteem, responsibility and conscious living.

I have realised how beautiful life is…and am now appreciating my personal challenges ..I think we all have them! The fact you have posted shows that you care, but you are searching…..wonderful….let the past go and credit yourself for your awareness. All you need to do now is act.