Dear jjcooper7889:

The sympathy and empathy I feel for you and your situation, on many levels, made your post very hard for me to read.

For me to say that I am so very sorry for the terrible abuse you have suffered and endured for so long is wholly inconsequential in the face of all that you have been through. Nonetheless, I am sorry that you have suffered so much.

First, I want to be clear and say that I am not an expert on any psychological disease or issue, and that I am in no way a professional, or even an aspiring amateur, in the fields of Psychology or Psychiatry. The thoughts I offer below are based only on my own personal experiences, and the research I have done to better understand those experiences.

Many things you wrote suggest to me that your wife has a personality disorder, or a combination of personality disorders, possibly borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), or anti-social personality disorder (APD). From what I have read, it is possible for people to have a double diagnosis of more than one personality disorder.

Other psychiatric disorders can co-occur (can be comorbid) with personality disorders, too, such as: affective disorders (depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder) substance abuse disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, major depression, bulimia nervosa, etc.

I urge you to do the research on these disorders, particularly BPD and NPD. There is plenty of information freely available on the Internet (including support websites and forums) and much more detailed information available in books that you can purchase. I think many of your questions about why she behaves that way will begin to be answered.

I also very strongly urge and encourage you to explore the possibility of you finding—as Anita so rightly defines—“a competent, empathetic psychotherapist” to help you better (and eventually fully) understand and effectively process what you have been through and suffered. From what I have read, it is very common for folks to greatly benefit from therapy when decompressing from relationships (particularly long-term relationships) with people who have personality disorders. I urge you to consider finding a therapist not only because it has been of benefit to others, but also because of the “dark disturbing thoughts,” the “overwhelming feelings and emotions,” you feel on a “daily basis,” the “constant anxiety” and “surges of adrenaline” and “body aches” you are experiencing. I fear for your short-term and most definitely for your long-term well-being.

Please empower yourself with research and knowledge, and particularly with the professional help of someone who is knowledgeable in the things with which you are dealing. I suggest that by doing so you will take the first steps to facilitate your extraction from the relationship, and ultimately recovering from what you have endured.

For what it may be worth, I believe that you CAN extract yourself from this, that you CAN recover, and that you CAN have a much, much, MUCH happier life afterward.

I hope the very best for you.

Sincerely,

CMI

Hi, pinkmilk.

Sorry I missed your post last night.

For some reason I am having a hard time coming up with a film that I would exclusively describe as “positive.” I did a bit of digging on the web and found a site that may give you some good leads. The name of the site is agoodmovietowatch.com You can select movies by “mood.”

I hope you find something you like.

CMI

Please forgive the sidebar.

Hi, Monklet80.

I have often heard of mindfulness of one’s feelings, but I have never seen a step-by-step process by which one could achieve that mindfulness. It is so nice to see the process in print so that I can better understand what being mindful of one’s feelings functionally means.

Thank you so much for your post.

CMI

Hi, helleia.

Regarding your mental health and “obsession,” I don’t think that I’m qualified to assess that possibility with any real validity. Although I could be wrong, you seem to me to be a person who has quite a few interests and passions, but no one (or at least very few) people with whom you can talk about these things. From that perspective, it does not seem unreasonable that you would be inclined to write a lot when you meet someone who has similar interests. However, please understand that I may not be able to respond to everything you’ve written as fully as I would normally like. You’ve talked about a lot of things.

I encourage you to explore your passion for creativity and Art. However, as you probably already know, Art is fundamentally a dialogue, and so many things inform the artist’s perspective, including other genres and forms of Art. My poetry, for example, is extremely influenced by what training I’ve had in the visual arts. That’s not to say that I try to write picturesquely or “painterly,” but I do quite often find myself thinking in terms of positive and negative space, continuous-line contours, or blind contours, or gestures, or, (conversely) color without line, etc. I also think in terms of symbolism (common to all of the arts), but where visual art is concerned, particularly in terms of the symbolism used in the vanitas.

There are many other ways in which all of my more formal creative endeavors (e.g. the various forms of visual art, poetry, music composition, writing, etc.) are influenced by all the other arts, but the point I am getting to is that I encourage you not to limit your education of the arts (formal or informal) to only one area. I also encourage you not to intentionally limit your study of a particular form of art just because you do not see yourself ultimately having a career in that particular form.

Given your appreciation for the visual arts, you appreciation for cinematography is certainly logical. I know that a film’s cinematography can make or break a film for me.

I can appreciate the idea of allowing doors to open as they may, and taking advantage of opportunities as they may present themselves, but I also encourage you to actively pursue your interests, too. If you’ll pardon me relying on an old adage, consider that “Fortune favors the prepared mind.”

I, too, am about to pursue studies in Psychology, Sociology, Anthropology, and a few other disciplines. If you’re interested in knowing more, I’ll tell you about it via e-mail.

Like you, I also have several creative endeavors outside my job and fields of study. Also like you, I have very many interests, including language. Although having so many interests does seem to be a drawback at times—like I could ever devote all of the time I would like to all of them, and become as proficient in them as I would like—I wouldn’t have it any other way. I can’t begin to tell you how much I love having so much in my life.

Although I would love to travel, like you, I am more interested in connecting with and understanding the culture, which means I would need to live in a place for several years to fully have that opportunity. Right now, I have obligations that keep me where I am, so moving to another country has to stay on hold.

Regarding 2001: A Space Odyssey, that is probably one of the first masterpieces of cinema I ever saw. I could talk about if for hours. It is also one of the movies that sparked my interest in classical music. I am so glad that Kubrick did not use the score that was written for the movie by Alex North, but chose to use performances of existing music instead. I am particularly thankful that he included György Ligeti’s music. The movie’s screenplay was actually written (by Clarke and Kubrick) before Clarke’s novel was completed. If you read the novel, it is a bit clearer what is going on. As I said, I could talk for hours about this, but I have limited time, and there is still a lot to reply to from your post. I’m sure you’ll have no problem finding a plethora of analyses on the film. It sparked a lot of questions in viewers’ minds, and subsequently a lot of analysis.

Like you, I too I can do a “little bit” of a lot of things. I don’t worry that I haven’t pursued one exclusively, though. That’s just not the way I am inclined.

I’m sorry you’re lonely. Regarding my comment about isolation, it wasn’t my intent to imply that anyone was “lesser than” me, or that their interests had any less value. I think of the disparity in interests in terms of being “different from” mine, without any qualitative assessment. I also don’t see it in terms of either myself or the other person being lacking or as needing to be fixed. We’re just different, that’s all. One of the strategies I’ve found (and I’m sure many folks use this) is to make many acquaintances with whom you can share your interests. Only very rarely will you find someone who shares many of your interests, but if you can find several people who share at least one of your interests, collectively you can talk about most, if not all, of the things you like and feel less isolated and perhaps less lonely.

CMI

Hi, helleia.

Thanks for mentioning the documentary series, Human. It is on YouTube. I’ve added it to my documentary playlist and will watch it when I have a chance. There’s a link for Life in a Day on YouTube, too, but it says the film is not available. It looks like Samsara can be rented through YouTube.

I’m sorry; I am not aware of anything that is experimental. I’m sure there are experimental things out there, though.

I am extremely attuned to the cinematography of a movie, just as much as I am to a movie’s soundtrack, or lack of soundtrack. I still need a decent story, though.

Feel free to categorize all you’d like. I’ll go along for the ride!

Thanks for the suggestion about the annotations. And thanks for the list of top 50 Pinoy films!

I wholly agree with you about an eclectic taste being the best. I’ve found that it can be a bit isolating at times though, especially when one is around folks with very limited tastes, experiences, and worldviews.

Have you considered pursuing a career in filmmaking, in whatever capacity? It sounds like it would be the perfect venue for you.

CMI

Hi, helleia,

Regarding whether I consider myself to be a good conversationalist, I guess that would depend on how one defines “good.” However, Im not really in a position to accurately answer that question. The folks with whom I converse would be far more able to make that determination. However, as far as general conversations go, I would guess that I am an average conversationalist, at least compared to how I perceive the conversational abilities of others. I’m sure, like most people, the more interested I am in a topic, the better I listen and participate. On the other hand, the less I am interested, the more I find myself paying attention to the mechanics of polite conversation, so that I don’t come across as being invalidating or bored, and I don’t always succeed in doing that. I do find it hard to go too far beyond two or three questions to fuel the fires of a conversation in which I am not interested. If the person’s interests are extremely different from mine, I may make eye-contact, nod my head, and make acknowledging responses, but in the back of my mind I am trying to figure out a way to end the conversation politely.

Why do you ask?

How about you? Do you consider yourself to be a good conversationalist?

CMI

Hi, Butterfly.

She did, on occasion—very rarely—acknowledge a few aspects of her poor behavior, but I suspect that was only after a therapy session. During her push cycles, though, no, she admitted nothing, and blamed me for everything. Projection, blaming, and gaslighting were her go-to tools of misdirection and exculpation.

As I mentioned before, I suggest that he is still trying to get negative attention from you, which (if you reply) he hopes to use to his advantage to turn on the charm again and get you back in the push-pull cycle.

My ex claimed to love and care for me, too, and to a certain extent, I think she did. But more than anything, I think it was mirroring on her part, and going through the motions of something she may have wanted, but didn’t truly know how to achieve or sustain. Whatever her reality was on the matter, I don’t think she truly knew how to love or care on such an in-depth level. I don’t mean that disparagingly; I just don’t think she had ever been shown in-depth love or care by anyone, including her parents, to know what it was, or how to reciprocate it.

My ex never truly apologized either. I don’t think she ever fully allowed herself to believe that she did anything hurtful, either. If she ever acknowledged to herself that she had been hurtful, I think her defenses of projecting, blaming, and gaslighting kicked in before she allowed herself to deal with her own culpability. From the sound of it, I suspect that your ex is doing the same thing.

I also suggest that he is continuing to contact you, not because he cares, but because he is trying to play the game out as far as he can to either get you back into the push-pull cycle, or to string you along as a backup, or as a safety net while he finds someone else to fully take your place. Whenever he gets a replacement for you (I know that sounds harsh, but that is the way it is characterized in the discussions about PDs) I would guess that he will eventually stop contacting you.

If he refuses to admit any wrong-doing on his part, if he is not currently in, and is unwilling to attend therapy, I suggest that there is absolutely no hope for this relationship ever to be a positive and beneficial thing for you.

I know the pain and longing that comes with remembering the “good” times, but you have to be strong and see the whole picture and do what is best for yourself in the long run. Tell yourself that the longing is for the experience of love, closeness, caring, happiness, etc., with someone that is good for you, someone that treats you right, someone with whom you can be in a long-term, positive, beneficial relations ship, but NOT him.

I continue to encourage you to stay strong, and maintain no contact with him. It WILL eventually get easier.

CMI