anita,

Yes – I understand. And thank you for reminding me. I definitely need reminders. I loved that initial feeling I had, and I want it to come back.

Yes – I always thought about that. How she has not had a single friendship with anyone. Obsessed with this delusion – and an ego that she is above everyone.

Maria- do you know how much Maria is in my childhood diary. Yes, it is truly insane. Her interaction with her was so toxic and so toxic for me to be home and watch. Oh, how I dreaded the times Maria would come. I had to exile myself if I did not have a friend over.

Yes – alone with my thoughts and feelings that were in boxes. It was a nice dream for me to have my box to myself and leave.

good morning,

thank you for thinking of me and saying those positive things. busy morning at work today – I will write soon. looking forward to it. hope you had a nice sleep.

calisister

I also must add! I am on the train – and the lady standing in front of me is wearing a bracelet with a small Buddha on it. If that’s not meant to be, I don’t know what is! I believe in small things like that- that God or the universe or whatever we believe- is sending us these small signals.

anita,

Yes – the only thing I would have added is perhaps not only the caregiver role – but that I am also going through something large, so she has to respect that as well.

Tonight – okay, I will celebrate me. That being said, I’ll go curl my hair!

Yes – what they lost or what they are mourning is not me and my pain – it is more so them saying “our life is so bad, what did we ever do to deserve this.

In your experience, after going NC, is it normal to sometimes feel that you haven’t even done that?

anita,

sure – I would be ok with you quoting it. I love the idea about making a list of what I need. Oh!!! I will think about it for a bit and write it.

Tonight is the “celebration” with BJP. I wrote to my therapist as well, and she said exactly what you said. That I do not have to share this with anyone. And that when she herself distanced herself from family, she had no support – similar to you. So then I wonder how I will handle this experience tonight. Maybe just mention it in one sentence, cheers, and then move on. I feel foolish now for gathering them all.

I feel that I trapped my parents – and I know they are not handling it well.

When I feel or say that I am alone now – I almost say it objectively. That I AM. But I am not sure if it makes me as sad as before.

anita,

I am about to sleep – and I cry. I cry that the last thing I said to my parents has to do with the police. That I had to threaten them. However, I do not have any urge to speak to them. I have no urge to call up my father. It is so interesting that my entire life…literally entire…I have feared the death of my father. And instead, I left him first. (figuratively speaking of course) – isn’t life ..interesting?

I also cry in anger. That I always protect my sister. (Please excuse my angry writing here) — How I diligently tried so hard since she went  NC to not trigger her. I must vent. Here we were this weekend – Sunday we picked a restaurant location to go with her husbands parents in my neighborhood. Right next to my apartment. There are many other locations of this same restaurant. (It is a chain). When we were on our way there, I nudged her and said this is probably not the best idea. And I say – HONESTLY – I meant it for her sake. Because I did not want anything ruining her birthday. Oh, excuse my anger anita. but.. WHAT ABOUT MY VACATIONS AND MY BIRTHDAYS? I did not even think of it for me. I was thinking of it for her. I literally just did this on oct 3rd, I think she could have re routed the group to a different location, for my sake. Just because it is your birthday, doesn’t mean you truly have to not focus on anything else. And I am sick of hearing that is what she needs. I need things too sometimes. Oh the anxiety I had being there. We were literally 5 streets away from my apartment. Can you imagine seeing my parents..with HER…and him..and HIS parents? It would be a disaster. See, anita- this is what I am sick of. Always having to deal with things for the sake of others. When she claims that I have “ruined” so many of her vacations etc- it was not ME. It was our life situation. Oh, how good it feels to know that and say that. And then, when we got back to her apartment – she decided to go through the wedding album with a huge smile. Am I happy she is finally excited to see her wedding pictures? Of course.  BUT-  I would NEVER EVER show her pictures of my parents literally 2-3 days after NC. NEVER. Especially blown up, huge pictures – on such an emotional day, such an emotional time – the climax of all the insanity.

And you know what, I didn’t even think of this till now. See THATS THE THING. I do not even realize that I just tolerate these things – I become strong for the situation. For others. To help others. I push it off – I say “oh no, I’m fine.” I come off as cool and chill with it – when truly, I am hurting.

But tonight, while I cried, it all came out. Spewing thoughts. That this (the photo album) was not right. And she should have known to not do something like that, at least not when I was there. I thought ok, it will make her happy so its ok. NO. It is my freaking turn to be protected.

PHEW. did that feel good to write. May I please say – I IN NO WAY – mean for any of this to make you feel a certain way about my sister at all. This is about me and only me. And you have your separate relationship with her. I know you know this, but I want to make sure you know I know. I hope you understand what I mean – I mean no harm towards her and your talks with her. This writing is for ME and my healing.

Talk soon. PHEW!

Oh my goodness !!!!! A cougar !! How cool – yet terrifying! I may watch jungle book tonight – now that you mention it!

yes BJP is the friend group.

anita,

you state how my NC is so very valuable without celebrating it with anyone. Let me take that in….OH IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!

I was never taught this. Ever. It is beautiful, there is no other word.

I changed into pajamas and I ordered some pizza! Going to eat some unhealthy food and write and watch tv. Perhaps clean a little too, and try on some new clothes I have bought.

Also, you’re welcome for the empathy! Interesting as you say it could have perhaps slipped their (my friends) mind, however – for someone like you or me, perhaps. Yes, it may have slipped their mind, but they are not similar to you (or me) in that they would address when they remember again – because quite honestly I think that most people just think about themselves. (And I do not mean this in a bad way) – It is a quality I was not taught. It is foreign to me. They also do not understand how LARGE this is.

I cannot expect anyone to. But you told me once a while back, we are social beings. So it is natural to crave sometimes.