Dear Anita,

I am headed to sleep. I have some interesting thoughts to share tomorrow. Good night.

I hope you feel better.

anita-

my response to this never posted… oh no!

Bascially though – okay – yes the baseline must change. I am at a loss as to how…

Hi anita! (May I ask why you do not capitalize the A?)

Yes – you are accurate with this regard. Accuracy – 100%!! That image is almost true when she would make food.

How about the other stuff? The chronic boredom. The fantasy causing harm? The routine..

Hi Anita – we can continue this here – from my email

I want to figure out a way to lessen this frustration of wanting something exciting and stimulating. Yes it is normal to want it – but my distress about it can be healthier.

anita,

I appreciate you doing that. Instead of telling me that – she copied and pasted to me this AM that you typed that to her. I responded saying that it’s best for us to not copy and paste our convos with you — that was the agreement, as you know. So, she hasn’t told me that herself. But pasted that you told her to. This is common behavior on her part. She would do the same with her husband. But that is her issue, not mine.

Thank you for the congrats! Every time I think of it, I feel a dark sadness and then it goes away. Never would I have imagined my life this way as a child.

Today she sent me some ground rules you two came up with. It is odd how she did it. Again, condescending in a way. Almost like – look anita said this so you have to do it. I told her what I need – esp for our trip that is coming up. See below:

1. no talking about others or their body types in a negative matter.

2. no talking about your own body type (she is very thin – and calls herself fat all the time, not protecting my own self esteem issues that I have since I have been called the fatter sister)

3. No talking about her friend S – who she sometimes obsesses over

4. Letting me decide what to eat and drink for myself (she tries to overpower me a lot and tell others what I like and do not like..disabling me from creating my own opinion)

5. No asking me if I’m ok constantly – her way of projecting her own anxieties on me and hoping to blame it on my behavior (example, if she isnt feeling well, she tends to irritate me to get me in a bad mood so that then she can blame her bad mood on mine)

6. no need to be overly friendly to others when we travel. she ignores her own thoughts or what I am saying and focuses rather on other people.

anita,

It is my freaking turn to be protected (I laugh as I read that because I remember how angry I was and wrote the word “freaking!”

What is behind this sentence: I feel that my life has been about protecting the feelings of others. My sister will speak of being the one who kept the family together and how she had to do so much work – but in reality this was me (this has been discussed in great detail with my therapist). How she spoke for years that she kept the family together undermined the trauma of my role, as indeed the keeper and the scapegoat. She left the house at 18, when I was 11. So, I spent much of my life growing up in the home without her. I had to protect my mother from my father. My father from my mother. My sister from what they said about her. My parents from what my sister said about them. Everyone told ME everything. I had to hear it all. All the bad. And in the end there was me. My thoughts, my feelings, my fears. They were not important. Everyone was too busy telling me their issues. No room for mine. I kept everyone safe. I made everyone feel better. I was always the “wise” one. My parents gave my sister no responsibilities (she would lie a lot, she was very messy, and was forgetful) – so if they ever went on a vacation, I was in charge of the home. I was always in charge. The protector. The protector of feelings, fears, the home. When it came to my worries, if I showed even a brief moment of emotion, I was yelled at. I was tagged as “the one who always has a problem.” I was called weak. And they would say, “we have too many things to worry about, stop burdening us with more.”

When I was young, I will NEVER forget this moment. I had severe OCD – horrible, obsessive thoughts with physical manifestations. I was so overtaken that I went downstairs and opened up to my father about it. I was in tears and I said please help me. He said (I can’t fully remember) but something along the lines of, “Don’t think those thoughts. You’re too young for stress. What do you think will happen when you are older.”

Protection. Never safe. It is my turn to be taken care of – and perhaps this is why I long for a man to come into my life. My turn for others to take into account my feelings and my past.

The reason my crush thing bothers me so much – is I just got it – it makes me feel vulnerable and unprotected. His behavior, like I wrote to you in email, tends to dictate my feelings of the day. This is not healthy. And I want to put an end to it. The external must stop affecting my view of life, of the day.

Anita,

I know we are emailing – so this we can address after all of that is dealt with. I want to apologize if I have seemed a bit all over the place today – or have ignored some parts of your posts. I am having a bit of a hard time, which I’m sure you can probably tell.

I feel very sad that my sister is moving. I cried when I got home, and I think this is also part of the reason I cried on Saturday. We are finally close again and have started hanging out more. Our relationship is becoming healthier. Both of us just recently moved close to each other. It has not even been a full year yet. Our dogs literally love each other. They are inseparable. I finally feel like I have the love of family. And now..I found out they will be leaving in the next 2-3 months. How this breaks my heart.

I almost feel like….it can’t just be good for me. Something can’t just work out. And I do not mean this in the “woe is me” victim way. I finally go NC – and now my sister will leave. I do not have any family here. I have no one essentially. It is scary and sad – why must I live like this? Should I move too? (I will not, but I don’t understand why family should be apart..esp because of the trauma we have experienced). I just want something to work out for me – if that makes sense. Something good, something happy. I am sick of spending so much of life alone. It has been so nice getting closer to my brother in law. And I wish they would stay longer..I feel like we are getting closer, and then WOOP they leave. I do not really understand the point of love being so far away.