anita,

why is it that i keep getting horrible results from dating and yet i continue to do it? is it true that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?

i am obsessed?

Thanks Jim – i try those practices on a daily basis. Exercise definitely helps and it has become part of my life now. GAD is hard but we can all get through it together. Natural ways are the way to go. Although I am a pharmacist myself, i am not a huge proponent of medications – at least for long term use.

Anita,

my nightmares have gotten much better – to be honest, increasing the comfort in my bed really helped.

here are my current thoughts when it comes to men: that man that i stood up to..i reached out to him again. I kept initiating. It became very obvious very quickly to me why this man is definitely unable to give me anything i need. Yesterday, i had a little victory again. I finalized that we can no longer talk and stated my reasons why. this was more finalized and firm for me – not as impulsive due to an event. more so a well thought out process and decision made afterwards. although i still have a lot of anxiety when it comes to men, like i wrote previously, i do not feel as vulnerable anymore. it will take time and practice. yesterday, my friend and i went to a bar for a beer. for the first time ever in my life – i did something silly – i wrote my phone number down on the receipt bc the bartender was cute. he never texted me but it was an empowering feeling. it was fun and i felt young. i felt my age and i felt that it was ok in that moment for that to be the only thing i am worrying about. it was ok not to worry about my dad death or my moms loneliness. it was ok for that one second to think this guy is cute i want to talk to him and if thats all my evening is about – it is ok. not everything is a catastrophe. Now this bartender will probably never message me and i probably will never go back to that bar- but hey – cheers to experiences!

a practice that i am doing right now is really trying to see what I THINK. my thoughts are usually what my sister would think or my mother. i do not have my own identity. the other day i was reading my childhood diary to my sister. my diary from when i was 9 years old is literally just the thought process of my mother. it is not my own opinions or created perspectives.

will write more soon.

anita,

I see more clearly now. However, I also wonder about life skills – money etc. I cannot tell if some of the things my father has taught me about managing money is correct or if it is a scheme to keep me near and continuously need them.

On a separate note – I also would like to speak about my nightmares that have been occurring for the past 2-3 months. Nightmares that consist of all my traumas in one dream. They consist of parents, bad friends, bad men, and horrible family members. Everyone is in one place and torturing me mentally the way they all have individually. I have never been someone who has trouble with sleep. These nightmares just leave me unrested.

I once had a dream that my father chased me around this mall type building and used a knife to engrave something in my wrist. Last night I had a dream that my mother tried to commit suicide by drinking a bottle of vodka – when asked why she wouldn’t speak and I felt this type of frustration that I have felt my entire life with her – kind of like WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS. And then I woke up. I have grown up with suicidal statements are just stated as if it is normal. When I was young, my father hit my mom’s thigh very hard in a mall parking lot. When we returned home, my mother said she will start driving on highways now even though she doesn’t know how and “who cares if i die”

anita,

i understand. my sister and i have been doing lots of talking about such things and reading articles that help us. two of which i’ll share:

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2017/03/5-damaging-lies-we-learn-from-narcissistic-parents/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/narcissistic-mothers/

I thought maybe you would enjoy these as well, if you have not read them already.

We are in a way conducting therapy with each other and talking everything out. as you know with CBT/DBT – things sometimes get worse before they get better – you are unraveling. Having these conversations has in a way helped us but our anxiety has also increased. So much to the point that I had some sort of “amnesia” recently. I forgot basic things that I’ve known forever. I have read how severe anxiety can cause memory loss sometimes. I just thought it was crazy that i experienced it myself.

I bought the tiny buddha journal of gratitude for my sister and i. we are excited to start doing it together in 2018.

anita

i understand what you are saying. and i hope you have been well. i hope to have this safe relationship soon enough – the most difficult part is how to cope in the meantime.

with regards to my puppy, i have gotten better with some aspects. however, i am still unable to enjoy his company sometimes bc the entire time i am questioning if i am really giving him my all.

i always feel all over the place – when i’m doing one thing, i feel like i should be doing something else. i would love to just feel content in the here and now.

anita,

hello – thanks for the reply. yes i try to do that mentally and i am getting better at it. i try to make the practice of self-love a lifestyle. i am making small baby steps towards this.

the man that i stood up to during my little victory works in the same building as me. today, i found myself being hypervigilant – scared he would appear anywhere and see me. i have been on edge all day and am even avoiding walking in the halls as much as i can so i do not run into him. he never reached out or apologized. i feel hurt by that – he did not want me back, even though he was in the wrong. although i am proud of myself for “having the power,” i still feel hurt and my self-esteem has been a little injured. although i am the one that ended it, i am scared to see him.

another thought – this new puppy i have kind of fell into my life when i am not really exactly ready for the responsibility of a puppy. Now, i am the biggest dog lover that i have ever met (ask my sister!) – so i struggled with this concept a lot in the beginning – my feeling of well “oh my, you have a dog now so shouldnt this make you so happy. and shouldnt you spend more time with him? and you shouldnt get tired of him and want to do your own thing bc you love dogs.” Today i looked at my adorable puppy (he is truly too cute!!!!) – and i accepted the fact that he came into my life not at the perhaps right time for me to fully have him in my life. But, i looked at him and finally accepted it. I told him, “its ok. we will get thru this together.” I hope i struggle less with this concept of still wanting to go out and finally having some freedom from crazy mother and life and finally dating and having friends – i struggled bc i thought how do you want to leave your puppy – you just got him. BUT ITS OK. I do not have to stare at him all day. and yes, raising a puppy IS HARD. it is ok that i feel it is hard and it is ok that every moment that he with me at home i am not petting him. having him at home is giving me a lot of anxiety and stress bc i constantly feel like i am not feeling the way i should about him (i should be happier and more overwhelemd with happiness when i seee him at home and all i should do when i go home is play with him)-  but if i do not always want to play with him i feel that i am being a bad caretaker. i am in constant stress about him.

i apologize for the stream of thoughts – but this is how it all plays out in my head.

So in that case – in regards to the relationships – how do I not hyperfocus on it