in addition to what is written above,

my mother does not really speak to me or reach out unless I do. my mother is truly and utterly obsessed with my sister.

i was just sharing with my sister how i feel so “dirty” sometimes. i think about where i have come from – not only my parents but our entire famly is pretty disgusting. my sister and i have not touched on this very much so. but everyone is horrible. my own cousin has sexually harassed me but i still stick by his side bc i think “hes adopted and our families are so messed up.” just a couple minutes ago, he commented on something i had posted and it was extremely condescending and horrible. i WAS FURIOUS. i felt steam. HIM? disgusting guy who has been a rapist (we do not know for sure but we are 97% sure) who did not even graduate college, has no job, and is a compulsive liar, and alcoholic. HOW DARE HE PUT ME DOWN. he dare he BE THE WAY HE IS. my family, our family, is truly insane and horrible. i feel disgusting.

I would like to write about this tendency I have to get angered quickly by people who have no emotional intelligence/self awareness and also a lack of ambition. I am mean, almost rude, to people when they seem to just be leading boring lives. Go to work. Come home. Watch tv. I am angry that they don’t want to do more – how are you okay with being so boring?

I get angry when people are not just honest about their insecurities. When people say “I don’t care” and I know they do – I am so quick to call them out on it. It’s like I feel righteous.

Why is this.

anita,

another thing is that i have always been closer to my father. he has, of course, also done his fair share of abuse and torture. however, i still crave to know about him. he got a new job recently and i feel sad that i do not know more about it. where he sits, what patients he sees. i bought him a mug and mailed it home. it made me happy that i bought it for him and got nothing for my mother. is that evil?

he is an abuser but i still crave him. most times when i speak to him, i immediately regret it afterwards – he causes extra stress and negativity. he has been literally pure evil for a big percent of my life. he has beat my mother. he has told me i am a curse to be alive. however, i do not know if this is just a false belief. but sometimes i think, i know that no matter what he will be there for me. i know my mom will not. when i got into a car accident, my dad came for me. my mom stayed home.

we do not talk about my father much. maybe in posts to come.

this makes me feel very emotional. makes me tear as i type it. i knowingly call him when i know my mother will not be around. i am always so scared something will happen to him. he suffers from heart disease, which my mother has blamed me for and also has given me intense anxiety that he will drop dead any moment. what will happen when hes not here?

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by cali sister.

“We are overly present but not present in ourselves”

THIS STATEMENT is exactly how I feel. how my sister feels.

I had to share that because it just popped in my head.

Anyway – you are saying you WOULD have thought I was so very normal. And so very fortunate. What do you think instead? Or what do you know now instead. I am not sure I understood.

anita,

I am tearing at your responses to my sister’s post.

“No, it was  not your mother’s search for validation that rained on your parade then and keep raining on it. It  is the same old same  old motivation: relief at the expense  of another. Like a  person angry and  breaking something, a relief. People break their children in a similar manner.”

WOW. I have never thought about it this way, just as my sister said she has not. She breaks us for her own relief. How so terribly horrible. As we speak, (or I type I guess) my mother texts me. Recently when my parents contact me and if I am in public, I find myself cursing at them out loud. As if I want everyone around me to know they are horrible people.

I know I try to escape from myself my stimulating myself externally. Especially recently. I sometimes make 3 plans for one day and at each plan that I am at, I am stressed to leave for the next one. Or if I am at plan #1, I am texting the people for plan #2 trying to organize. I am never able to just be in one plan at one time and be ok with the fact that it will end and I will go home. I have been over extending myself socially.

This may be too personal, so you can defer. However, I just wanted to ask – did you ever do something like what I want to. Just take a break? Stop going up that “normal” pathway?

anita,

I am glad that you are excited for me. “Be the authority of your life”

What do you mean by do think a little about Alex? About what specifically?

cali sister