I apologize for that rant. It was 3 am. And I was exhausted. Today is a new day.

Great.

I awoke because my sisters pup is having stomach issues. He also will not stop crying. Not an easy pup to watch. Here are my thoughts:

Before I go on this vacation, we must discuss this:

1. How come because of this one unpleasant interaction – I think the result of it is losing my job?

2. How come this reaction immediately discredits all the work I do and makes me completely unfit for my job. Leaving me feeling like I don’t deserve this vacation. It’s like I have this interaction in front of my boss and I suddenly am undeserving and don’t do anything right. (There is also an insecurity there because my personal issues have been so overwhelming that it is difficult for me to put my all in work like others may be able to- of course. I mean … that is a given). You know how people who go through depression or hard times etc – they focus their energy on their career as a way to distract themselves? I have always wished I could be that person. But it’s not. In other words, I would like to be better at my job, but my life issues have made it difficult to do everything. I need to be nicer to myself. To forgive myself. And accept that this (NC and whatever I am going through) is major. Another thing is – I feel quite embarrassed because that morning I told my boss about some unprofessional behavior of a staff member. And then here I was being told that I did something similar. But- I am sure this has happened to everyone. And we all make mistakes… right?

talk soon.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by cali sister.

Never! I remember once – when we went to a yoga class together – the teacher announced a meditation class. And I said oh let’s go to that! And she said “that’s for those people. I already know everything and practice it. I don’t need to hear any of that.”

I was …. no words hahahah

Dear anita,

I hope your walk went well. Looking forward to your email.

Today, my yoga instructor stated (I cannot remember the great way he stated it) – but something along the lines of — you do not need something or someone to feel love, because you yourself are love. You are just that.

It was an intense hot yoga class with 15 min meditation after. One of the best classes I have ever been to. I’m very glad I went.

The class had a lot of Hindu influence – made me think of how my parents were the one who had that cultural knowledge  – they were the ones I went to temple with and taught me all the cultural values etc. This weekend is Diwali and our new year (my state). I was saddened by this – saying goodbye to this education they were able to give me. It was very special to me – their stories. Parrot has a vast knowledge about this stuff and I loved learning about it.

Makes me think of my language too. How I speak it so fluently. I feel that NC – means I said goodbye to learning certain cultural things.

I no longer have someone to teach me such things and keep the cultural traditions. Anecdotes from India. Sad..

Good night anita.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by cali sister.

Yes. the first breath. Tearful at first. But then fascination. How amazing.

1. Self parenting – I want to talk about this more  how to do this – there’s so many books on this but I wonder what it means for you

2. Positive energy – I think my energy has been very negative these past couple years. This fear. Letting go of the fear – is essential. Do you believe this to be true? That there is such a thing as vibes and energy. And good attracts the good?

anita,

Yes – I shall do that.

Yes – a necessary step. Today, I realized – I no longer have to worry about them, and it was this cool feeling (cool meaning temperature) – like a whoa, free, crisp cooling feeling. It was a moment of…relief. And..aha! I was on one of the medical floors with my medical team. And I looked around and smiled. It was a moment of freedom. Went away pretty quickly, but I became aware.

Baseline boredom and not forcing feelings I think go hand in hand. That is my daily homework. Also – to not assume hostility.

Yes-

growing up – she repeatedly told my sister and I – that America is horrible. And India was better. So we grew up thinking that another world that is better than the current one existed. We grew up thinking it was a tragedy to be in this world. So everyday was mourning. HOW insane !

remnants of that still exist of course.

also random – but sometimes throughout the work day, I remember that I don’t have anything to worry about and I feel free and happy. Sounds silly doesn’t it?