I agree. Before I start this list. I ask one thing. Why does my focus have to be this rotation if I have no interest in it? Shouldn’t the focus rather be getting THROUGH the next couple months

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by cali sister.

Anita,

i did not read the entire post yet. Responding to the first question. The rotation is what my job is. I’m a clinical pharmacist. I work on the medical floor. And work on the medical team with the doctors. I’m a resident though. So I’m in training. So everything is evaluated. I go in early. I work up my entire team of patients. I go to rounds. I treat patients all day. Read charts all day. Read evidence based medicine literature all day. Read treatment guidelines and make clinical decisions. I present to my director. He critiques. This is my job. This is what I signed up for for one year. It’s just that since September, the way the schedule turned out, I ended up doing elective type rotations. But not I’m back to my regular normal job. Which I hate. And am unable to perform the well in because of the amount of focus it requires and the amount that I do not want to do it at all

does this make more sense ?

i forgot to add – the hardest part is that I have this anxiety that I do not know anything. And that I have a huge knowledge gap. So the incoming rotation is daunting because it will be intense and I am expected to be on a higher level than I am (because I was unable to take full advantage of this training due to my mental status)

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by cali sister.

anita,

we will get back to the dating stuff.

how come i struggle with believing that i love my puppy so much?

on monday, i start a very tough rotation. and as you know, i am simply not interested in the subject matter anymore of what i do. i am nervous because i am out of practice (have not done this type of rotation since september) and also have no motivation. it is also very hard for me to do the work required for this rotation – 1. because i do not want to and 2. because the anxiety makes it hard to focus and read.

how do you recommend i can get through until june 30 (to finish this post-doc program) until i can finally not do this anymore. the approaching of monday is causing me severe anxiety.

Why are they so quick to ignore things that are truly horrible? If I tell them a story of my cancer patient dying. They change the subject.

Anita,

i think the time limit thing also has to do with my inability to be in the moment and focus on a certain time and value that time. For example, when I am at the first destination with a friend, I find myself talking about “what bar do you want to go to next”. I don’t value the current bar we are at. This is from my mother.

Yesterday, I hung out with a new friend. When we were making plans, she mentioned a location that wouldn’t have options to do something right after unless we drove. Anxiety. I got through the anxiety. I planned to see her for an hour. And went. We ended up hanging out for hours and I met her husband etc. but initially I let myself be okay with the plan. When I was at the restaurant, I looked around me. I looked at some families. It was already later at night so this is probably their dinner and they will go home. I watched them. I noticed how they were just here. Just there. Eating. This was their Friday. Enjoying in that moment. Nothing more needed. Then bed time. I looked around. I dressed very nicely and everyone else was dressed nicely as well. I took a breath. And I lived in that restaurant for that moment. Not wondering where to go next.

Focusing on one thing gives me anxiety, so I guess a time limit forces me to do that.

Wih regards to practice, perhaps it would be beneficial for me to write questions I get asked or typical things which I am unable to respond normally to.

Examples you can create responses to: (this is only the beginning. I’ll have more later)

1. are you close with your family?

2. So when are you free to hang out ?

3. Explaining why I’m virgin

anita,

emotional cheating. a huge concept. boys. parents. friends.

A Dating Strategy for Calisister

As you know, my sister and i really struggle with boundaries. my favorite thing about what you posted is: The date is limited in place and time. I struggle THE MOST with this. In most of my experiences, if a date were to end early, it because it is my choice (I do not mean to sound conceited – but this is usually how it goes with any woman). I have such a hard time keeping it to one place and a certain time. Even before I even meet someone (and I have no idea if i will even be interested) – I have this idea that it must last “forever” in a sense. You know, there have been times where I have been on dates and I was not even interested but I still would go to another place with them. I cannot explain why.

Thus, I think my biggest efforts definitely have to go into being OKAY with hanging out for 1-2 hours. Not everything has to be a 12 hour ordeal. For example, Monday, Alex asked me to get happy hour. It would have been for an hour or so since he had to give a lecture at 6pm. I am repeating this for myself: Alex was asking me to hang out for 1-2 hours. This concept made me anxious. I was unable to attend because of work, but even if I was able to, I do not believe I would have said “yes.” I felt more comfortable with the idea of hanging out the next day since neither of us had any obligations or plans in the evening. There is no time limit. Now, don’t get me wrong. The time limit or amount of time concept has nothing to do with “oh i do not only want to see him for 2 hours because i like him so much and want to spend more time with him. I want as much time as i can get!” It has nothing to do with that. It is hard for me to explain the feeling that I get. And I do not really have an explanation why. I’m sure you will have input. Alex is a good one to practice this with because he is this way. One time in November, we studied together at a local coffee shop. After a few hours, it was SUPPOSED to end and I knew this. But i was so uncomfortable with the concept when we were leaving. “this is all we did? was it enough?” I had to leave. I had to go home to my puppy, eat dinner. But even though I HAD to, i had a really hard time and might have even said statements like “i thought we were gonna go on an adventure after!” Maybe it has something to do with – maybe the longer they see me, they will like me more? But that does not explain why I continue dates with people I may not like. Conclusion: I rather sit at home alone for an entire evening than see Alex (or any man) for a planned amount of time.

I feel the same way (not to the same extent of anxiety) when it comes to plans with friends. Of course, it is not romantic when i am with my girlfriends, so I do not have as much trouble leaving when i get sleepy. If i am sleepy with a man and I have a huge presentation the next day, i will stay as long as it lasts. no ability to leave. i’ll give the presentation on no sleep.

—

With regards to the conversation, hm, I am not sure the best way to practice. I do have issues with oversharing, bluntness, abruptness. I, by nature, am not that “typical, feminine, gentle” girl. I mean, that is what makes me, ME. I have an edge. I have never been that girl. BUT, I could maybe tone it down a bit and try to be those qualities in a sense, so i do not come off as rough. How would we go about this? Practicing this per say.

Last time I saw alex, i forced myself to stay silent in silent moments. Since he is not my actual boyfriend or someone who i am seriously emotionally dating, he is not someone i would practice the vow of silence with yet. we are not on the level for him to understand such a thing. instead i did what i could with silence. and it felt better. but this is just alex. there will be many more alex-es.

Talk tomorrow.

hi anita,

thank you for caring for me and thinking of me. with regards to sexual stuff, we have not talked about my traumas with that. (emotional traumas that stem from my MOTHER). that being said, (feels awfully awkward mentioning such a thing on a public forum) – i do not engage in such activities. to make it clearer, i am a virgin and would not engage in sex. I need protection from rape per say, i agree. that is not in my control. however, with me being emotionally out of control with sexuality – that is not the case. i am very firm and tell men when i meet them that sex is not an option with me. i just dont want to do it right now – have not met anyone that would make me comfortable to do that. like i said, i agree with regards to be being unable to be in control PHYSICALLY. i am very tiny as well! after all that i have been through, i do take pride that it has not lead to – crazy sexual experiences, drugs, etc.

i like this idea of self control in public. are you mentioning this only due to sexual reasons, however? do you feel the same after i told you what i said above?

mark,

I’d be happy to respond, but perhaps create a new thread if you would like to discuss this topic. it would be easier since that is not the current discussion at this point in this thread!

talk soon!