anita,

Ok will do. And you will be the first to know when I finally block them. I shall change my number today.

I am proud of me, because even though I am so emotional right now, I am functioning. Which is a huge improvement from last year.

I wanted to share – on Tuesday my yoga teacher set the intention of the class as “celebration.” I celebrated my reconnection with you. The last time I went home, I came back completely distraught. My therapist and I spoke on the phone and considered all the ways of NC with parents. I was very emotional as I was that day, but scared. I am still scared, but it is different today. I am asking the universe for support.

I am writing this as a side note as these thoughts are flowing in: I see myself these past 2 or so years, constantly searching and searching for ways to get better. To feel better. To enter my own world and not be fused with theirs. I can literally see myself – as if I am watching a movie. I realize now – All I need is for them to just not be a part of me. Not even a text.

Oh Anita. How heartbreaking this is. Did you also feel heartbreak? How much easier this would be if they were neglectful, but after my sister went NC – they have become even more obsessed with me of course. I see what you are saying about driving here and the effort. But since my sister is gone and now they are also losing me – I feel they will jet here. Esp since my dad is off today from work. They truly have nothing to do.

It’s interesting. One thing – I always feared that if I did this, my father would have a heart attack. Now if that does happen, it will be what it is. A heart attack. And not my fault. I do not have the power to cause heart attacks.

It is time for me to stay away for good. I know if I have to call the police, it will be tough for me.

This is all tough. I am sad to cause so much harm to my father. However, I know this will be life changing for me.

Thank you, anita

Anita – when I woke up this morning and saw all of my fathers texts and calls – I just COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. They keep texting me – non stop. They keep calling me – non stop. Seeing that causes much much much distress. and does not let me heal.

You know that feeling? When you wake up one day and you just know it is time. I felt this way before – and then when they went to Spain for vacation – it was much easier. But it was all an illusion. The moment they came back Anita – the feelings flooded back. There is nothing to wait for anymore. I do not want to live like this anymore.

I let my director know in case they show up here- and she will inform security. She recommended perhaps an attorney for a restraining order but I am not sure how that works.

I also emailed my building management to see what they can do with regards to not letting them upstairs to my apartment.

I have a plan to perhaps send them a text saying I no longer wish to speak to them because they have caused me too much pain – I will state that I have moved apartments and not to show up there or they will call the police.

I know they will come banging on my door. I know they will hang out on my street. They are relentless and will not give up. I can see them showing up to the hospital I work at. I do not know what to do about this. It is also my sisters bday weekend. She knows nothing about this but I am afraid that this decision will cause an uproar. On their end

HELLO!

So happy to hear from you.

Yes- very little of him that is not owned by my mother.

A lot of it comes from the brainwash my mother (I call her parrot, as in a poisoned parrot – from a worksheet I did in therapy) did regarding his health problems. She essentially made it that his life and his heart issues depended on me/was my fault. Obviously no true, but very traumatic. I used to wake up in the middle of the night when I was young to go check if my father was breathing.

In other ways, growing up I think I felt more love from him than my mother. I felt safe and protected. Of course, this can all be false – and I was a child. I remember when my mother and I were in Guatemala and I was in the hospital. She was unable to handle any of it, hardly took care of me, and also blamed me for ruining her vacation. I remember feeling that all I wanted was my father. And the moment we got home and I saw my dad, I felt completely different. No more anxiety. A lot of this can also be from parrot – as she is unable to handle things on her own and seeks support – so I may have been cloning that behavior or perspective – that with dad, everything is ok and that alone it is not.

But I believe that I feel for him. His parents treated him horribly too, he always called himself an orphan. But here he is – doing the same thing to me. Is he good to me? Does he show me love? Are his intentions in my best interest? NO. He is not only the enabler of parrot, but he himself is also treating me horribly. Oh, just horribly Anita. So I am not sure where this bond comes from. Like I said, I have not been responding to them. The other day they sent me (not joking) 88 pictures since they are traveling in Spain right now. I opened it to make the notification go away – I usually do not look at them. But one popped up. It was my father alone in the picture. And my heart dropped and tears filled my eyes. I do not know why. But I do know this is not healthy, to feel this way. And I want to deal with this emotion because I believe that it is my hindrance for fully entering my own world.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by cali sister.