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Cali Chica

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Viewing 15 posts - 1,351 through 1,365 (of 1,382 total)
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  • in reply to: Self Trust #187589
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    “but endure that distress, resist the temptation to reduce your distress by giving in to the compulsion.”

    I see this is key. In fact looking back I avoided the “distress”. I recall this Pattern or habit in many parts of my life.
    – coming home and feeling overwhelmed from the day and instantly going to the fridge to stress eat, this was common in medical school for me
    -Coming home from a long day and instantly texting someone or calling someone, not necessarily to vent about my day or anything, but almost like a distraction from the stress of my inner self. Of course subconscious

    – The example that I mentioned about Juliana. This wasn’t on a particularly stressful day or anything, the point of the matter is that it doesn’t matter, it was that it wasn’t really my intention to be social for someone for even 15 minutes. So I was acting out of habit. My action was not intentional but instead it was a habit or compulsion that I tended to – likely to alleviate some inner distress.

    To shift gears I read what you wrote on my sisters thread. Thank you so much for sharing personal things about yourself, I really enjoyed reading about your journey and where you are in life now. I resonate with your words and saying that it was delightful for me to read this.It makes the whole process of healing feel even more real to me when someone like yourself can explain in detail some of your life story.

    Great point at the end of the post about how my mom cried and it wasn’t necessarily because she was so touched by the intimacy of a relationship. You ask what it is then?
    It is: telling yourself something so you can feel “content”. Not unlike above, going through with something -to relieve distress -because it’s habitual to feel that this is what is right/happy. (Such as. Inviting a friend on a walk means happy and loved. Going on it alone means lonely and sad)

    Such as:
    Oh my daughter came to visit me this weekend. I am loved. She wanted to spend time with me. I was needed. I am “happy”

    I have so many plans to choose from this weekend. I am popular. I am busy. I am “happy”

    I was so busy this year with wedding planning the year flew by. I am occupied. I am not lonely. I am “happy”.

    It is convincing yourself. It is attaching a feeling of happiness or contentment to a person or activity to convince yourself that this equals: happy, loved, full, and satisfied.

    in reply to: Self Trust #187465
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Hello,

     

    quit the job yes – slowly but surely….so for the first time EVER – i did something, I analyzed my motivation behind a small meaningless social situation.  here goes, and sorry if this is jumbled – I am excited to post my observation of myself because your insight has brought some new awareness to me.

    I come home from work often and bring my dog for playtime outside in the public backyard area of our apartment complex.  through this I met a friend a few months ago, Juliana.  She is a very sweet girl, and has moved here from Brazil and does not have many friends.  Her english is poor, and she doesn’t always feel like she fits in.  Our interaction was an instant click, as she is a sweet person. since then – i have invited her over a few times (because I really wanted to spend time with her?, craving social attention, and had the energy to? – nope not at all – more on this below)

    so that’s background.

    so today – i was leaving work in a hurry, and before i could even think – i texted her: hey, going to be outside with the dog in 15 minutes if you want to join.

    now if i stop and thought (which i never do): did i really want her to join me? not necessarily, it would have been nice to have 20 mins outside to myself and the dog.

    did i invite her bc our dogs would enjoy the experience more: not necessarily, my dog doesn’t particularly play with hers.

    sure if shes there its fine, but why did i go out of my way (naturally) to tell her and “invite” her —

    because: IT’S HABIT.

    this was a huge revelation for me.  not only is it habit, it “feels necessary.” now NOT because i am lonely and don’t like to spend time alone, and NEEDED the company of someone.  more because the way I am raised.

    like you so astutely pointed out, my mom was trying to live vicariously through me by placing immense immense pressure on friendships.  she almost idolized how many friends I had growing up, it was always an important thing and priority.  such as oh mom today i went to the gym – “oh with who” not, oh what did you do there, did you have fun.  calisister can elaborate more – as my mom has done this even more to her because she is convinced my sister (who did not have as many friends as me growing up) is always alone, and she fixates on my sister making/having friends.

    anyway – so I see something.  my mom convinced us, and imprinted in us, that to have friends is of utmost importance.  of more importance than learning about one’s own self, and finding comfort in your own company.  in fact, we weren’t taught to value that at all.  regardless, i have developed a sense of enjoying alone time, to a point, as i have grown out of my 20s and into my 30s – which is something I like about myself, and am glad to cultivate.

    Regardless – as you see above today, because it is SO HABITUAL – I immediately don’t allow myself the personal space often, even if I don’t truly want to be social.  another thing I realize is this:

    Juliana reminds me in many ways of my mom when she first immigrated:

    sweet, young, innocent – lonely, not many friends, and very gracious to find good female interaction.

    so – I almost “took her under my wing” during the times I invited her for interaction.

    next, she has opened up to me about some things about her husband that to many people would be found to be rude and obnoxious – however she tolerates it well and pretty much dismisses it due to a combination of being seeimingly naive, a new immigrant here, young, innocent, forgiving, etc.. (the husband is not the point, nor is the way she deals with it – more so my observation and “concern” of wow wait Juliana’s husband isn’t the best)

    i notice that after she told me this, I felt even more compelled to reach out to her.  and not even because she voiced this neediness to me.

    so i see now – i operate on this job. i operate on this job of: i am good at making friends, and being there for people – my mother gave me this job – and so i will do this job to the best of my ability, for it is my role.

    i have trouble turning it off, with even pretty much stranger/acquaintances like Juliana.

    i find that even in times where I have extremely little time and energy – I STILL don’t turn this part of me off.  like say i was ragged from work all week – i may have still asked her to join me outside even though deep down all i wanted was 15 minutes of silence with my dog (small example – but telling: that I feel I must operate like this  always and I can’t turn it off).

    in reply to: Self Trust #187425
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Anita,

     

    Your mother gave you a job: to make friends for her. This is probably a big reason why you ruminate so much about friends who may become distant from you, afraid to lose friends you made. You take this job assigned to you by your mother very seriously. Your mother wants you to make up for the lack she experienced before you were born. She is using you to get unmet needs met. You of course needed your mother’s love and approval. What you received from her instead is a … job.

    I read this over and over and will print this. Thank you for putting this into words. Wow you are exactly right. Now my questions is. What are some ways I can work on that (the rumination and the very serious over focus on it)?

    I

    in reply to: Self Trust #187409
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita and sister,

     

    you did not butt into my thread! You gave me light!

    so the background Anita is – my mother has placed the “burden” of uplifting her and making her happy for me throughout my life. Sister can comment on this. If I wasn’t at a family event she was sad, If I was coming, she would be excited and her whole day would revolve around it. Needless to say at one point about 5 years ago I couldn’t take it anymore – too much pressure and obsession. No understanding of limits or boundaries (as you know).

     

    My my sister has not done the same thing. However, my mother made it her whole life that she “needs my help.”  That she isn’t great about making friends so why don’t I help her. Oh she’s lonely why don’t you take her out. (Some of which is normal big sis little sis) but as you know with my mother nothing was normal.

    So for example my mother did not give my sister the feeling she was independent and capable. And so without the fault of my sister it’s been Vey much that I am the “emotional caretaker” of her too. Yes, I do need to slowly change this view and see that my sister is able and okay. However since over the last year there has been many ups and downs, it has stunted that progress.

    All of this has helped tremendously. I now see that I micromanage as a form of control, and anxiety. It is also rooted in My inability to turn off. So I am “on” even when I don’t need to be, such as trying to solve sisters every problem or have an opinion. All in all being able to sit back and take things in will be helpful for myself and those around me as it will help me be less anxious, micromanaging, and always “on”

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.
    in reply to: Self Trust #187233
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita and sister.

     

    I agree completely with my sisters recollection of my regressing. It’s almost like I go back to being the clone of my mother, because she has always made it so that she didn’t realize where she ended it and I began.   It is also true that especially last year toxic conversations with my mother would then lead me to be a pathologic talk to my husband.  This was very severe and Trumatic to him and continues to be. He does suffer from PTSD is my sister says from this behavior of mine   Of course distance from my mother does limit my overall continuation of that but that really is not the point. I think that something important for me will be the following. I am writing here for the root. I’m not writing here as a dear Anita how do I become a better wife, dear Anita how do I become a better sister. I am writing here to say, what about me and my relationship with my mother brings out these abuseive qualities in me to whoever it may be sister husband. And how can I change that. I think I would like that to be the focus and not the exact  person or things that are done. I say this Having spent a lot of time in the past thinking oh why did I say this to this person and why do I tend to act that way, but never really understanding the root of it and that I was absorbing toxic and negative energy from my mom and regressing into her brain And voice.

    Anyway, with that, if I do not go no contact, and I do continue to have interaction with my mother in whatever capacity limited with breaks or whatever, like my sister said I will have to practice not regressing back into those behaviors. For myself and of course my loved ones.

    in reply to: Self Trust #187197
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Hello anita,

    I am wondering, if you imagine right now ending all contact with your mother -what kinds of thoughts go through your mind?

    I haven’t formally formulated this thinking so I will give you my “fragmented thoughts”

    1) immense and deep sadneses

    -the first thought that comes to mind, is sad – very sad. something like this: ” my poor mother suffered a terrible life since she came to America, she dealt with abuse from family and others, and her focus then was me – yes it is toxic and has continued to be in adulthood – but she relies on that so much to the point she cried a month ago when I left.” how could I hurt her like this.

    then my mind goes here: yes shes abusive, but shes damaged – so cutting off contact from her leads to more damage to her. yes but it’s not my job to endure abuse for her sake…

    she lives for this – she has her own life now yes, she travels, and is not a dependent disabled person – but the idea of losing her daughter is crippling to her…to the point that when she felt she was “losing me” even over the last year bc of her delusions related to my in laws – she was besides herself.

    I do not expect her to understand at all what she has done to me and her sister.  she does not have the capacity and she is ill and insane.  so trying to explain it and hoping she will change is not an option. in fact, as she gets older she has gotten worse – and I’m sure will continue into elderly age as both the brain and body deteriorate.  so no contact would be for me – no explanation would justify it to her. 

    she would likely get our whole extended family involved, maybe even end up hospitalized due to deep despair, hysteria, and psychosis related to the idea of “losing me”

    so where does that leave me…?

     

    in reply to: Self Trust #187191
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I commend you for taking such a noble step, and finally allowing yourself after decades to be relieved of that guilt.  I could not even imagine how difficult that may have been for years on end.

    yes, you’re right – I will likely not go down this path.  and yes, this will consist of a life of “survival” and some respite during breaks – and then rescinding during times of contact.  I know this, and I see it in front of me – but I still can not conceive no contact, and will not kid myself or others, including you – to say yes  this is a possibility.  when it is not – not at this time at least.

    interestingly, my husband and I are thinking of moving this summer.  we are now 1.5 hours away from both parents and most of our family – and we are thinking of a move cross country.  for many reasons including climate,, jobs, etc.  of course I realize more geographical distance may be good in some ways, but the same in others.  I know no matter where I go the mother voice is within me – miles don’t change that.  I do worry about future milestones such as children, and like you said the full force ad control and guilt that will come with that.  if we live miles away they will want to visit and stay for a week – during those times

    I told you I saw them twice since the wedding.  the time I ssaw them a month or so ago – it was a pleasant weekend and very focused on my puppy.  once I returned back home – they called to see if I made it back, and then both began to cry, and say how much they missed me, and how they really enjoyed the quality time together.

    the old me would have felt something, but all I thought was – you’re a lunatic – one second abusing us, now crying and emotional how much you missed us.  insane.

    anyway – you know this, I know this, my sister who is 6.5 years younger and 2,000 miles away knows this.  yet – the cycle will continue.  sadly I don’t even know what life without guilt even means.  like you said I think of the breaks as breathing space and allowance to “get back on track” but that doesn’t mean I am at mental peace or immersed in the process of healing and un-numbing.

    in reply to: Self Trust #187073
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Do you think or feel that your current interactions with your mother are hindering your desired progress, your aim to feel your repressed feelings?

    to be honest, even if she was away from this world (dead, gone who knows lets take that aside) this feeling of repressed feelings would be extremely difficult, that combined with old waves of guilt etc.

    And do you think it is possible for you to heal while in contact with her?

    good question, as above, i think the answer is this. considering that like you said no contact is likely not the route things will go – then the answer has a lot to do with: within me, how much do i let her get to me now, how much do i believe the things she says, how much do i communicate with her. how much do i focus on her versus my own life/husband.  these days over the last 4 months i have been able to shift gears towards my own life and husband – and seen reality.  but for sure there is a long long road ahead.

    if the contact continues the way that it is – will i someday slowly feel the repressed feelings in the way i want to? truly FEEL them, and not just have them as a passing thought or something.  will i be able to focus on them, and not have my mind go to the peripheral person (such as above) so that i don’t tend to focus on the heavy issue at hand.  i do hope so, with distance, practice, time, and the guidance of supportive individuals.

    in reply to: Self Trust #187069
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Hello,

    This interaction is keeping you numb as your brain doesn’t know that you are now an adult and it is time
 to un-numb yourself.

    Exactly – well said thank you.  You’re right I did avoid touching on the no -contact.  But now I am home and have let that linger and would like to touch on it.

    Since the wedding, in September.  I have had a tremendously larger amount of distance from my parents (for obvious reasonss such as no need to talk about details about planning as that is done) but in a global sense to.  I have only seen them twice since then, and the talks we have – have been more superficial.  The example I had about a fight with her or accusing me was only hypothetical – we haven’t had a fight or spoken that in depth since wedding time.

     

    Now I by NO means find this a sigh of relief, and a “wow look see how good it is with them.” I just see this as some much needed space, breathing room, and focus away from them.  I guess deep down inside I must feel that if it can be continued in this current way (no constant phone calls, accusations, no interaction with them with my husband aside from the here and there his and hello text or something) then I can SURVIVE.

    I am not foolish and I do know that this is just temporary – like waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It will only be a matter of time until there is another catastrophe again, and they’re back at the aggressive behavior (because that is who they are, this distance is just a phase – it is not indicative of anything).  For example fast forward and we have kids, they will have a coniption if theyre not involved in the care as much as my in laws lets say.   Or a million different examples not worth explaining.

    So I guess that brings me back to today and here and now.  I guess like you said, you do not have any expecation whatsoever that I will stop contact with them, especially given my background and all.  So in theory – that means that my healing can never truly be full.

    Sure over the last 4 months I haven’t had harassment or aggression or much involvement from them at all – but the mother voice is omnipresent in everything, as you see in my writing and all the above over the last 2 weeks.

    Perhaps it is just hopeful to wish that this level of “distance” can be maintained so that I may at least have some level of “self-healing.” and that even if it is not full, it is better than the immense torture that was last year.  I have noticed an ability to see things clearer since the wedding, but like I said above, that doesn’t mean I am able to feel the gravity of it all (as the numbness is the natural respite my body has been used to – and it doesn’t know how to say okay now its time to feel and un-numb).

     

    in reply to: Self Trust #187041
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita.

     

    I see see that without realizing I was repressing and freezing as a child unknowingly as a coping mechanism so I continue to do now as an adult as my mind and body don’t know it is time to un-numb and heal.

    As an aside. I find that not only do I not feel the gravity of the situation at hand (such as lashing out at a fiancé that was unwarranted- or having a terrible fight with mom the night before). But I wake up after an evening like that and have fixation and rumination about peripheral issues.

    For examples sake. Say yesterday I was impatient and short and negative with my husband because my mom had a terrible accusatory conversation with me and I projected onto him.  I go to sleep realizing yes it was wrong for me to act that way but not feeling sad or remorseful. Just “knowing” in my brain. I then wake up the next morning feeling tense. But NOT ABOUT the issue at hand. I for example am rumination and fixated on:

    oh so and so hasn’t gotten back to me about this weekend, that’s weird, is it something I did. Nope probably not- hmm well why is she being so inconsistent. Gosh that’s weird

    an example of something that would literally TAKE over my mind the whole morning. As though nothing big happened the night before. My mind focuses on that and almost “forgets” the issue from the night before. Aware it happened sure, but no feeling about it. Just constant focus and rumination about this “thing” at hand (such as above about a friend or something like that)

     

    i will elaborate on what else you said about contact with my mom in a moment.  I just wanted to get your take on the above

     

     

    in reply to: Self Trust #186967
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    I reread my post and I wanted to add one more thing. Simply put I know with my brain now that, the way that I have treated for example my husband was not only wrong but rooted in this self torture that I have endured because of my parents. And Resulting anxiety that it has caused me from a much younger age than I realize. I also know that my parents and the way they acted is objectively wrong. And it is not an opinion or feeling in me but is truly wrong and it has led to a lifetime of despair within myself and my sister —things that I am now only starting to realize and work on and be aware of. This will be a lifelong journey. But at the end of the day sometimes given all the above I want to actually FEEL these things not just know them in my brain.   Perhaps like I said because they have been repressed for so long and I did not feel them, it is not natural or easy me to now actually start letting it sink in.

    in reply to: Self Trust #186963
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Good morning Anita,

     

    I have let the words that we spoke about sink in for the last week. As you know, there are ebbs and flows. The last few days have been particularly more centered and positive, I have woken up with more of a feeling of understanding of why I am feeling certain ways. Versus confusion and frustration as above. I am now starting to get what a long lifetime journey this will be and of course that will only seep in overtime.

     

    I did read some of my sisters post about treating others abusively or negatively when you are hurting in your own self or struggling within.  My sister is right in that I did not treat my current husband very positively many times over the last four years. I can’t say that the timing is like clockwork in that as soon as my parents met him everything was negative and before they were involved everything was perfect. Because as you alluded to, my mother‘s voice is in my head and ruling my life so with or without their physical presence I have been affected, tortured, and have had self suffering. Even when I didn’t know.    Looking back I see many patterns of me having internal distress and projecting onto him. It could be something such as feeling that everyone else is happy and why am I feeling not so happy and so targeting it out at the first person in front of me which was him. Then there are many examples of things that are more specific, my parents telling me that there are many men out there that have certain qualities and those are great qualities, and then looking at the person in front of me and convincing myself that since he may not have one or two or some of these qualities that he is not as good. In reality, my first example is the more harmful one because it came out of nowhere for both him and me. It was as though there were these ebbs and flows of terrible emotions in me and I would lash out for no rhyme or reason. Things could be great for a month or so and then I would be sinking into a terrible feeling and then just act like a monster.Back then I had no understanding at all of everything that we have spoken about. I truly was applying to any abuse that my parents did, I thought that just like any parents there was going to be good and bad. I really had no idea how much self suffering was brought on by the mother voice

    The thing is, when I look back at some of those things now I am astonished.  However, it doesn’t truly hit me. I am not sure how to explain it but I almost want to feel that i superficially  think wow how could I treat someone so bad like this in the past I feel like I should be so sad and upset with myself over this. I want to feel like this but instead of that there is empty space almost like a numbness.  Not because I don’t feel like what I did or all of the above is not true or valid it’s just that I can’t actually feel any remorse or sadness or kind of anything over it.

    There was a time a few months ago that my husband had mentioned this, and said that it he found it strange. He said that if he was in the same shoes he would be so beyond himself for doing this to someone that it would really show. And with me it doesn’t show. This was after a lot of the terrible things that had happened so we were talking about this not into fighting way but more in a discovery -why doesn’t it show for me -what is going on in me that I can’t actually feel the above mentioned.

    This feeling is also there when I think of certain things that my mother has done over the last year, the time period in which you know a lot about over the wedding planning year. In fact I was reading an old text message this week that was truly and utterly abusive–copy and paste it here you would say that this hits all the marks of emotional abuse, narcissism, etc. it doesn’t matter the terms.   When I read it once again I felt pretty astonished that this was real life, but similarly instead of feeling the sadness, tears, or even any sort of anger from at it was almost like nothing.

    I have an intuitive sense that I am feeling this nothing sort of thing because a lot of this is still repressed. I don’t think I am actively repressing it out of embarrassment or ego, it is almost like it is stuck and fossilized deep In me under dust and rocks / it will take time to uncover. I also have this feeling that once I start truly feeling the feelings that would be associated with this, such as wow I can’t believe I could treat someone so terrible how could I do this I never want to do that again I feel so awful and terriblE.  Or with example of thinking about some of the truly terrible an atrocious things my parents have done/truly feel The strong emotion of whatever it may be/sad, mad, angry, anything  , I think that once I start actually feeling these things I will be able to release so much of the inner Repression. This is an intuitive feeling. I know I can’t force it I know it’s not one of those things where if I read an old angry letter long enough I’ll start crying and then release all of the emotions associated with it. I understand that this is just the beginning of my journey and for so long I truly did believe everything that they said, and I truly did feel that I was doing nothing wrong such as when I would act toxically towards my now husband because I felt like these were warranted thing since I was struggling so much inside.

     

    I know that the ability to even write this out is starting to brush the surface because it is me starting to realize that a lot of the way I acted was wrong, and above all the root of that behavior. What is most important to me above all and everything is now finally after all these years understanding the route. Talking with people like yourself and realizing that almost everything goes back to that mother voice even if it at the time feels like it is just me feeling something.    . What are your thoughts on the above? Of course there is no guidebook and step-by-step on how to slowly start releasing all the above and seeing clearly and actually feeling things instead of feeling a sort of lapse.

     

    in reply to: Self Trust #185191
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Question as to why would someone (my mother) focus on something outside of her such as look at that family they’re so lucky – as a means to seek temporary relief from distress. What does that mean exactly.

     

    I guess i dont don’t really understand that concept, I am curious about it and would light you shed light on it

    in reply to: Self Trust #185183
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Hello,

     

    Thank you for your reply – I know you may not be able to answer all at once as I am putting a lot out there.  I do appreciate all of your wisdom as always.

    This is a novel concept to me: “She was  looking for (temporary) relief from her distress. She  said  what she said to  feel better. That  is all.”

    I have not thought of it this way prior.  This got me to think that perhaps my focus on the external prior to the internal is also a search for relief.  Perhaps it allows me a distraction from my internal unsettlement/distress..

    “to the left is your mother pointing to wrongs. It  is your mother who is your problem.” I will try to wrap my brain around this today.  and also think about – if it is my mother who is the problem, what does that mean for me, the person I am right now…and forward.

     

     

    in reply to: Self Trust #185177
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Good morning,

     

    Yes these “problems” I come to usually A) don’t have a solution — are rumination.  or

    B) aren’t problems per se, but anxiety created about current things that aren’t necessarily negative (am I looking at all my options for us to move, what if I’m not, do we even want to move..?)

     

    when my mind goes to things in the A category, I struggle much more because of: rumination.

    such as the friend example – like you said I should ask myself, is there something I should do or change the answer is 99.999% no (as I am such a “do-er” overdo-er) in fact.  So it should be, listen you have done your part and over it as well, you can not control the other person.  release the thought because you are only harming yourself.

     

    just as my mom did in Disney, nothing good came of it, in fact it took over the happiness we had in front of us.  key point (and life story for me)

     

    I find this concept difficult this week – I feel a little defeated honestly, with thoughts such as – why do I let others have so much power over me, even if it isn’t something they are doing that’s personal (such as my rumination over a friend who has been flaky/not as responsive).  or why can’t I do a better job of shining that light like you said from the “problems” that mostly are not worth my time and energy, to the left – to my whole happy life where I have so so much good.

     

    I know it will take practice, and like you said building new neuropathways.  I also see what you mean in that I am conditioned to be this way (from a young age my mother imprinted this way of thought in me) and like you said since she looked for others for validation and happiness outside of herself, so do I.  what we are doing is not good enough or important enough, therefore, the other person is good or important.

     

    what are some thoughts/sentences/sayings that you think would help me during times where I do feel defeated in trying to tackle the above?

    I know it is allowing yourself to release the worry – and I just feel very defeated by that concept today…feels almost impossible.

Viewing 15 posts - 1,351 through 1,365 (of 1,382 total)