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Cali ChicaParticipant
Dear Anita and Calisister,
Thank you Anita for providing my sister support, she appreciates your words on this forum tremendously. Â You have given both her and I the courage to see the truth. Â With the truth comes pain and distress, and as you mentioned, this is something that one must endure in order to come out on the other hand with more light, healing, and less pain. Â Calisister has endured pain all her life, at first as a young child not knowing what it is, then as an adolescent having precocious understanding of all we speak about (and that I only realized in my late 20s-30) – but feeling tremendous guilt and confusion.
I believe that calisister is at a cross roads.  It does not matter the type of job she is in, program, etc.  It is that she can not live one day longer in the state she is in.  She has reached her limit.  It so often is when you  reach that limit, true beauty can finally shine – but if you let it.  She has reached this rock bottom before, but had to go back to her normal ways (work, interacting with parents, getting abuse from parents) that these breakdowns never led to any enlightenment – how could they.  Now – I think is finally her chance to provide space for healing.
My husband and I will support her in any way that we can. Â I have advised her not to tell my parents about this right now. Â A) she needs to let her feelings sink in and really find her voice of what she needs B) parents will only cause more stress and havoc and guilt C) parents will terrorize me over the next week and beyond on how I need to help an fix my sister, and call me with emotional breakdowns and guilt – and even blame me for my sister’s issues.
No good can come out of any of this. Â So for once, we take the liberty to not involve them – the ones who brought her to this place in the first place.
Cali ChicaParticipantBombarding * our inboxes.
Typing this out made me see how much sheer “text message” abuse I have endured over the last year. Just that in itself.
About a year ago my mother sent me, via 3 different types of text message modalities – a screenshot about how: a mother’s bond with her daughter is never broken, but if she marries a narcissist he will ruin all. She “cyber-bullied” me with this for hours. Sending it over and over.
Then shortly after from my father : a screen shot of how: “parents should not care for their children as they only turn their backs on them” this was sent not only to me but my sister as well. Where they find the things who knows. But to nonchalantly send them and then say call us a say later and act like nothing happened?! Upon me timing it my mother acted dumb and said: downtimes when you’re mad people do things, what you’re perfrct, what about all the wrong time done? And then proceeds to make this conversation of course about how I’ve done wrong shining light away from them.
So now on a Sunday when we are on the other side of the country and I see 5 unread messages of : puppies saying good morning , happy messages, random quotes. I see this as desperation and harassment. Â I see this as having no respect and doing anything and everything to get attention, being shameless and relentless in your pursuits whether they’re “happy and positive” or negative and abusive depending on (like you said) their mental state. Often which is only based on external affairs.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.
Cali ChicaParticipantExcept that she never pointed to her daughters being sad. Didn’t see, doesn’t see or doesn’t care.
What a concept! Someone who is so quick to judge and point out – oh the dog looks sad- that neighborhood looks sad- that person looks sad- NEVER saw her own daughters being sad. In fact last year when I was in India I was struggling in front of their eyes- and all they would do is talk about how much injustice they’ve dealt with.
Today I got numerous texts from My father. (my husband and I both receiving them simultaneously). They were those screenshots of quotes that some people send around. Some of which say are on a site such as tiny Buddha. One he sent was : happiness is from within not from the outside.
Now why in the world are you sending this to us both at 10 AM on a Sunday. Because you’re sensing some distance – and want to push push. You know no boundaries. No respect. You had children so they could be indebted to you for life. You didn’t think ever what you were imprinted in their brains. By nature of providing them food and basic support you’re a good parents. Â Now they owe you their energy and souls.
I didn’t see before that this is untrue. That humans have rights and culture or not, Indian or not, this is unjust. You can send me quotes for days sure. But do you think after a year of torturing us. Calling my husband and his family and cursing at them. Calling me and telling me my dad is having chest pain just to provoke me when it wasn’t even true. (mind you my father is a medical doctor with a true history of heart disease) so this is not taken lightly. You think that sending me some silly quotes, or in fact Bo Harding our text message inboxes with such, today will make all that is erased? Well I don’t see myself as one to hold grudges. But those are not grudge s – those are your true character. You showed it and I saw the truth. I will never unsee it and now I see more and more each day.
Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
Just in a few days of taking our words to heart and letting it sink in, I feel a slight shift. As always I am thankful and grateful for any progress knowing that some maybe temporary and some may not.
I admire your follow up post to the one above – where you added your win win statement. Yes if its a win win. So often with diplomacy, brushing the surface, and not being held accountable (all common themes in today’s society) people don’t fully come out and say the truth.
So often people say – keep in touch knowing very well they won’t and don’t even want to. So often people say sure to a plan they know they will cancel on soon enough. So often people say catch up soon, knowing that they won’t put any effort in on their end.
I dont hate these people, or concepts – or feel as bad about them anymore – for I know they can affect me only to the extent I let them.Back to you. Thank you for coming back and adding that portion. It taught me something. I am allowed to say – sorry this communication/relationship is no longer serving me. As you know I ruminate over past friendships that have ended, or feel instantly that I have to do “my part” and keep trying to make sure things can work. This goes back to the job I was given by my mom. Your comment was so simple and true – yes you (or a person) will continue communication with the opposite party so long as both parties benefit and have mutual respect. You give yourself permission to exit gracefully If this is not The case.
Beautiful – I love it.
The second part of my post today involves observations during my weekend. We are away on travel interviewing for jobs. I am in a location that is very different than what I am used to–, and to think wow we may live here is both exciting and overwhelming.
My first instinct and default whenever I go anywhere – such as this would have been – am I going to be lonely here? This is the case If I have to imagine myself living there – I think of all the good things then instantly go towards that question of lonely? The mother voice is always external – saying look it looks desolate, looks sad and depressing, maybe it’s lonely here –oh no. Perhaps it seems fun for a while, but maybe not friendly long term. These are always her comments.
Well this though just hit me this morning. All weekend it did not cross my mind. Sure I am in a major America city that is very lively – but that’s not the point. I realize that I no longer believe this. Being lonely is not a function of your surroundings. It is a function of yourself. Sure there is influences from external, but having lived in Manhattan for many years I know, that the external world is just that. External. You can live in Nyc and be content as be, or sad and lonely stuck in a traffic jam of thousands of people. That is all dependent on your mental state (of course it’s not exactly that simple).
Yes there are locations that we feel happier in than not. Yes there are locations and cultures that suit us better than others. Sure.
But what my mother did was not this. She made it a point to always point bad about anything she didn’t appreciate or understand. And seeing now that was everything – given that she speaks untruths, she knows nothing.
I am happy that I did not look at this new city and think wait will I be lonely here. Because I know I am on my journey. On days I suffer I may feel lonely, that may be on top of a mountain or in the middle of Times Square. I’ve lived enough different phases by now in different cities and all to know that here I am. I am here writing on tiny Buddha and despite all my surroundings I am just starting to see the truth. That is what its about. I see that my mother was never aware, intelligent, or strong enough to look within. It is much easier to say oh that neighborhood is negative so I feel negative. Oh that state is dull, so I feel dull. It is much more difficult to say, I am struggling from within so I paint a negative or dull picture of anyone or anything.
This has been eye opening to me this morning. I see so many times I wanted to point the finger at a place or a person, to think this is causing me distress and more often than not it was my internal struggle that was rearing its head. This allows me to realize there is more control of one self. Life isn’t just a series of things that happen to you as my mother made us think. We do have control on how we accept them, deal with them, and process them.
The ability to make the most of a situation is within me- but I never allowed that or Gave it power, for I always thought it was out of my control. Of course I did: something happy could be instantly negative (such as Disney world example). Someone great can be instantly bad and not good for us (example of how she was convinced my husband’s family was evil one day and not the other).
These are untruths. We have more power to enjoy, to be optimistic, to not focus on what isn’t ideal. If we ALLOW ourselves. If we become unstuck.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.
Cali ChicaParticipant“You, Cali Chica are reading my words: attend to your well being, be it your number one priority. It is your first responsibility, it is what is right and just. It is not right for you to continue to sacrifice your well being for anyone.”
Thank you Anita – and I do hope to have you remind me this throughout my journey, I sure will need it.
Today, as you know, that doesn’t sink in fully – I can not force it to as it will take time sink in given that after 30 some years I am just starting to “see the light.”
Regardless – I will do a practice, in what ways will I make ME my number one priority right now?
-I will not answer the phone unless I have the time and energy ( this includes everyone outside my parents too)
-I will not feel the need to always have to explain myself if I have to say no to something, if I have limited time, or I do not want to engage socially. my first responsibillity is me
-I will not let anyone guilt trip me, some people may be feeling down and insecure/caught off guard by me not being “always there” – they may even say things like “oh haven’t heard from you — oh where you been” – this is not a direct attack on me. I too am allowed space, just like everyone. I allow myself permission to take time and mental space for me to heal. If this catches people off guard so be it – good people will always understand, and my priority is me not them.
-I will not live a life of shoulds. I don’t have to always be doing something, talking to someone, helping someone, or being engaged period. I should do nothing more than what i need to do for my own mental peace and sanity, that’s it. That can mean whatever it does during that moment.
-I will not look at the way others treat me as a reflection of myself. I know my anxiety creeps into lesser things such as friendships and all when it is not focused on parents. If someone at work, or in personal life is not acting in a manner that I expect or is “acceptable” that is on them. I do not need to internalize all that is around me. every battle out there is not mine to fight. i have enough on my plate and my priority in my heart right now is healing, listening to myself, and allowing mental space. my JOB is not to be “mrs. always in touch – mrs. always responsive – mrs. can do it all”
my mother gave me these jobs because she could not do them herself. well i resign.
Cali ChicaParticipantGood morning Anita,
I too feel affection and appreciation towards you. In fact there was a few hours yesterday due to technical difficulties we could not post, I thought to myself – I hope this doesn’t last long as talking to Anita has been such an important and precious part of my last few weeks (if not months)!
I have been doing more observations vs. judgement over the last few days, of myself, and of others. I observe that my post above may look to an outsider or bystander as: “wow, this girl is coming to an awakening, she wants to be free and prioritize herself and say NO more abuse from parents.”
Sure – yes in theory. But as I point out, I am by no means fully ready at this exact moment to make that decision. More on this below.
I notice that instead of my thoughts going in circles (rumination) – they have new wavelengths. I visualize this as a circle with a small opening that goes elsewhere, perhaps an arrow – instead of a deep rooted spiral. This arrow has led my thoughts to new places, unknowns.
-if my parents died suddenly, what would I feel?
–perhaps some strange relief to be honest, but the key point is here my natural tendency is to think this: i would feel sad because my parents lived a tortured life, and now they are gone before they had the chance to ever live happily, oh what a shame they died in vain, never experiencing joy or rising above all the afflictions.
to that person I say: that’s not my fault. this may sound sad if written in a history novel, but in my life all the above has caused me is suffering. to the point that my life has been far worse than theirs. i can mourn that individuals suffer, but I cannot feel guilty (or at least work on trying not to – it will take time). For it is not my responsibility that they never rose above and found happiness. This makes sense to me if I outline it by tangible examples.
–my whole life the holidays were sad and lonely, fillled with, oh everyone else has better plans. as I got older we traveled and were always occupied so this wasn’t as apparent (but the hollowness was still there). I grew up and found a man with such a giving and loving family that they opened their arms up to my parents and family for every holiday. treating them like their own even prior to us being engaged or anything. buying gifts for my sister. the whole thing
what did my parents do? they insulted these people, treated them like garbage, showed off in front of their extended family, and acted superior.
well you know what – you no longer have relations with them. there you go – all your life you were lonely during this time period, and I “found” you someone that will include you with open arms. And all you did was spit on it and ruin it. your misery during this time now forward is nothing but your own self sabotage.
this example leads me to realize that even without realizing – I always did try to bring them happiness, and fill their voids. But as you pointed out months ago in one post – there is no pleasing a mother (parents) like this. nothing will EVER be good enough. yes anita – I now know what you mean. I truly do.
my father calls me yesterday to discuss a car registration (mundane normal topic) – and if anyone was listening it would be as normal as ever. it’s moments like these that I have a temporary lapse thinking oh they can be ” normal sometimes.”
he then goes on to talk about our “move in the next 6 months” and is pointing out all the good things that are close to home (where I grew up). what he is trying to do is play that game of persuasion without sounding pushy. well I am far smarter, diplomatic, and astute than he – and I read right through it. I said to myself, my husband and I will move where we want to, when we want to, based on our choices – this will have nothing to do with you.
I see that they know Cali Sister moved 2000 miles away, and don’t always focus on her coming back (perhaps they know she won’t) and I have always been the golden child, obsessive priority.
I see that they have no life. I am their life. I am their hobby. If they happened to be busy with something else (plans, family members, travels) sure that is occupying – but that is all momentary. In the grand scheme of things I am their life. Understanding this is important because it goes back to my previous post, on how they would be when I have children.
I like that you pointed out to my sister and I that even the worst people, have some glimpses of “good qualities” or seemingly normal. I must remind myself this whenever I find myself engaging in something that may not be classicially negative (such as talking about car registration).
I know that they are desperate, and expect me to be their savior from their miserable hollow lives. I can not.
“Where should your loyalty be, whose well being is your responsibility? Your own. What a concept, isnât it?”
Yes quite a concept, one I can not absorb in its entirety just yet. It makes sense, but does not mean much just yet – but I know it will, I am close to it.
I have a feeling there will be a breakdown sometime soon, perhaps if we decide to move to another part of the country, and they sense that we are avoiding them. perhaps this breakdown will not be for months, who knows. it is only a matter of time.
I ask myself – am I waiting for some huge debacle to say no enough is enough? am i waiting to hit rock bottom yet AGAIN – before I can walk away. I think so…I can’t say it sounds like a good idea from the outside from a reader, or someone like yourself. But I know I am not ready just yet.
I do want to focus on some small victories however, as that is more attainable for me at the present moment.
-I do not feel the need to make a plan with them anytime in the near future. They can sit with the uncertainty of when will we see them next (next month – 2 months – oh no when) — that’s fine.
-I do not feel the need to tell them any of our plans re: potential move locations. we have been traveling and interviewing all over the country and will continue to do so through february. I used to feel that if I was on a plane and traveling far they should at least know. It’s my little secrete with my husband and a few others – and that suits me just fine. No one’s opinions matter
-I do see what you mentioned about “protecting” my sister by keeping in touch with them. It is false. There is no protecting from monsters. whether you talk to them daily or never ,they are and always will be the same. My sister and they have a very very different relationship. That is not up to me to mend, to protect, or change. Also, continuing to harm myself is no good for anyone, myself or my close loved ones (such as my sister and husband) they –as you know in her posts –have suffered negativity from me when I have gone down dark paths due to my parents. When I am ready to break away from the evil, it will be for me (and all else around will also benefit down the line).
-You may not know this per se, but my mother has put a tremendous emphasis on our Indian culture. Which I loved, I speak 2 Indian languages, trained in classical dance, have a great appreciation for the food holidays etc.
but not only did she emphasize it – she taught us there was only one way – for example:
-oh your future husband doesn’t seem to speak the Indian language at home, his parents don’t have good culture (wow can I believe that I actually believed thus! the power this woman has over me in brainwashing)
-oh that part of the state/country etc doesn’t have a lot of Indian culture, you won’t be able to maintain it (which to me means that I MUST find Indian cultural activities in proximity to where I live or I am not doing a good job maintaining it) this is my JOB – and as you know I take my job very seriously
-children (of people in my generation such as my friends and cousins) don’t seem to have culture these days. Your generation isn’t teaching them the language or values. (to me means, wow i must do that when I do have kids because If i don’t it equals bad)
With the help of my husband I am seeing things a little differently. Yes, I do value my culture and things like language ARE important to me, as is food, dance etc. But I see that holding and gripping onto the above so tightly isn’t culture – it’s small minded control. It’s narrow minded thinking in that only one way is good. In fact, if “cultured Indian people” are so great – then why are you so evil mmom? did your culture that is so full of family values, and respect and all teach you to disrespect and abuse your daughters? is that culture?
i know and hope that over time I will develop my own sense of what culture and traditions mean to me. I know it won’t be easy as I have been taught there is only one right way. But as you say – all they do is speak untruths. If any of it was true, wouldn’t they be happy – and wouldn’t I…?
Cali ChicaParticipanthello was having issues posting all morning so I tested it out earlier. Here is what I wrote to you after I read your morning post.
Good morning Anita,
Thank you for thinking of me early in your morning, I too have thought of you, and all you said since last night. I did not post as I was working on some guided journaling. I was able to reflect on what you said, and also find some more truths. All of which point to exactly what you said.
I have been feeling differently since this last weekend, and since you and I have spoken more in depth of these truths and her abuse, and my true suffering (greater than HERS – what a concept). I have been feeling as though my trauma and pain is stuck in my body (body aches, tension, headaches) and no amount of running, yoga, lifestyle changes will release it unless I work on “emotional trauma release.” What does that mean exactly?
Sounds to me it consists of first, allowing myself to even release. give myself permission to say: i don’t need to feel like a walking stress ball corpse everyday. why? because I am a human being put on this earth – and I deserve happiness just like anyone else (despite who I was born to).
“For you to not hold her responsible, while you are both alive, for what she did to you; to continue to submit to her abuse, is a violation of justice and a meaningless sacrifice of your life.”
-I never thought about this as a violation of justice, as you know I feel that this is “just my life.” Because I am born to this family, this mother, this is my burden to bear. It is true, as a result there is a sacrifice of my life. I am breathing and “functioning” but I am not living. And I feel it boiling inside me recently – I feel this strong feeling that I want to explode – strong tension in my upper back, my body screaming.
I know I am getting closer Anita. I am not there yet – but I am closer.
I was in a fellowship a year and a half ago, in a difficult field that requires a lot of focus. I never allowed myself this focus, the fact that I am a good doctor now is a result of my ability to “push through” the emotional suffering and rise above and function. I had such bad headaches and neck pain that I had an MRI. I knew of course there wasn’t anything “wrong with me” but I just could not find relief. My body was feeling all of the trauma to an extreme sense, some of the worst pains I have had in my life. I thought this morning how everyday would be screaming on the phone and tears. Then finally they got what they wanted (we got engaged and they were able to show off and throw a party) – but a day later it started again – about something else.
poor me. Â yes I can say it – poor little me – I don’t deserve it.
I think about me in the next few years when I am ready to have children. I have this visual: I am overall okay, but feeling sick and tired and fatigued. My mother is either on the phone or at the bed side driving me so crazy I am in tears and having a severe migraine. The nurse/or my husband has to ask her to leave for my health. I see her go and I think, yes, but these are not guards in my life. The nurse can ask her to go for now, but what about after when I am home, she will be back.
I then fast forward to having a child. I have a puppy (that is not a human) but extremely smart and receptive to emotions – so I have a beginning understanding of what it is like to be a caretaker (but of course no where close). I like to use my dog Bodhi (named for the Buddhist term Bodhi to find enlightenment) as a “pretend child” in my head as it is easier for me to conceptualize.
So I see this, young (human) Bodhi sees mom crying – he says mommy why are you always crying after you talk to grandma – I have no words. Bodhi starts to absorb this behavior and find it to be normal. Bodhi sees me have to go lay down all the time when grandma is over. He hears me getting angry. I snap at him when I am amidst an emotional breakdown.
This is what Bodhi sees. This is who I am to him. More importantly, he sees all this as normal. This is his known.
That cannot be.
I go back to my real Bodhi, and I think what if I said to you – hey Bodhi why are you whining so much today, after all I rescued you from that bad place and gave you a 5 star home, aren’t you grateful?but mom i was just saying I don’t like this food that’s all —sure it’s just food to you, but other kids would be so happy to even have this experience.
Bodhi I brought you all the way to the park, and all you wanted to do is sit and not play with anyone? –but mom..I just didn’t feel like playing today….Oh you ungrateful child, mom had to rush home and do all this, and this is how you show appreciation?
you know Bodhi you used to run so fast and be so playful, everyone used to say wow Bodhi is the best at the park, he could be an athlete, what happened to you?! oh mom I dunno I don’t really like running anymore…Â Well if you’re just going to be so lazy so young nothing good is going to happen to you, you better think about that…
Wow – it took me less than 1 minute to type all the above, it flowed from my fingers because this is mine and my sister’s real life…when I think about saying this to Bodhi I think: he’s a sweet little baby, and finding what he likes, and is developing his own self – I want to nurture that – not squash it with my personal misery. It brings tears to my eyes!
So yes Anita – with my mother in my life, my future kids will be affected severely.
My husband said while we were away this weekend (exploring a place that we may move to) – he said he doesn’t know how much more of this he can take. I said I am surprised (since reading a lot about what you wrote – and he knows about you and our talks) that he didn’t just “tell them off” a long time ago. He says he thought about it so many times, but what would be the point. If I don’t talk to my parents, they will harass my sister and drive her insane and inflict all on her – it’s all a lose lose…there’s no winning while they are alive.  i said even after they leave this earth (the mother voice) will be remain – but limiting or going NC as Anita says will at least begin the healing process.
what do you think about his comment about if I go NC they will then harm and harass my sister more?
- This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.
Cali ChicaParticipanthello
Cali ChicaParticipantYes and I am glad to start the journey of re-learning with the help of your wisdom. In addition I have pledged to give myself space to do so. This is mental space, not just occupying mental space with what is habitual.
Cali ChicaParticipantAlso,
I can see that her patterns and behaviors began in childhood. This makes sense to me medically and scientifically and also in my own self. The neuropathways are formed when we are young and impressionable. Sure the manifestations of such can be later in life if there is a traumatic event, or some other form of provocation.In addition, there is a strong family history of mental illness. My maternal grandmother (her mother) had a severe history of depression and under went ECT and hospitalization and multiple medical treatments all throughout her life.
She took her own life via suicide when I was 16 years old. (she always lived in India).This has always shown me, when I had moments of confusion and questioning- that there is an objective family history. Of course, what this passes down genetically is never know for sure. But I sure do know there is a predisposition.
So going back to my mother’s untruth. Like you said who does she tell, she had no one. So she told us (which as you pointed out is wrong). But not only did she tell the wrong people (my sister and I) she also spoke untruth. Wow…
I was talking to my husband yesterday about this one incident. My mother had visited India a few years ago and went to visit his uncle there. (Our families had good relations back then, and it is not uncommon to visit the other side’s family)
My mother had come home and told me how Nice they were and they had a good time.My husband recalled yesterday, that when those individuals came for our wedding a few months ago they mentioned that they knew all about My mother’s lavish vacations and saw our whole house. Someone had asked how. They said oh she brought her iPad and showed us all your house and vacation pictures.
This is not uncommon. She goes to places, as sister knows, and goes on and on about how she lives a “five star life” that she lives like a movie star and says absurd things to mere strangers.
I always either ignore it or thought it’s her way to “gettint back at the world” as she was so “screwed over” and suffered that now she she just shows off to make herself feel better.Anyway I know I’m getting a bit off track. But I’m thinking wait. We always thought of it as:
Moms life was so bad, everyone was bad to her, she had this magical childhood and life before she got married and moved here, and it all went downhill because how much others caused her harm.
Her insane ways now are retaliation for that, the abused becomes the abuser.But perhaps its more than that.
Cali ChicaParticipantHello,
So if what she told me was untrue and what she taught me was untrue- then it was a lie. I can say that. And it is a reasonable deduction. But I can not feel it. When I say that to myself I don’t feel sad or angry or confused I feel nothing. I think this is because I am only beginning to see the truth and it will take time for it to sink in and truly un-numb.
So I pretty much studied hard, had dedication, motivation and all efforts in learning and being embedded in things that were untrue.
No wonder it is so overwhelming and difficult to see the truth. Because I spent my whole life training in this âfieldâ (such as medical field) full of discipline and time and energy and respect all for something that is truly for lack of a better term: BS.
So now what?
Cali ChicaParticipantDid you have a better childhood than your motherâs?
Absolutely not.  In fact, my mother spent so much time glamorizing and glorifying her perfect childhood to us that it was a deep space of sadness for my sister and I. We often felt that this wonderful beautiful childhood that my mother experienced no longer exist, and we are destined to a negative childhood. childhood where neighbors donât talk to each other, people are not family, and then there is no love in the world. Sure times are changing, there is a difference between the United States and other countries. And of course many people do have these gripes of the fact that the human touch is no longer as existent given modernism and technology. But at the ripe age of five or eight or whatever why w so burdened with such thoughts and such sadness. Because once again my motherâs voice  When I look back at my childhood all I can see is sadness. Whether it was feeling sadness for my mother who is suffering for all the after mentioned reasons above due to her husband and family. Sadness for feeling lonely, and feeling like I was born into this life of only of us because as my mother said that is our bad luck. And just sadness in general because there was always a sense of unease, that what we had was not good enough, such as we are on this amazing Disney World trip but there is something missing everyone else is happy but we are not because we are not lucky to have what they have. So all in all know my childhood in fact would be described as very terrible. At the age of 32 now it almost feels weird to say that Because as you know I have been repressing these truths for all these years. I wasnât hiding them because I was embarrassed I truly did not know that. Not to mention the fact that my mother made it very evident that we were never supposed to show anything bad about our life we were always supposed to make everyone think we had a perfect life and even try to be jealous of us, this behavior of hers came into play later when I was closer to adolescence. But of course thatâs what sticks.
Do you have a better life than your mother?
What a simple but difficult question. My knee-jerk reaction is to say yes of course I do, I have the independence to live where I want, Mary who I want to, the educated and successful in my own right. Of course I have a better life, for she moved here to give me this opportunity so that I would have a better life. This is an innate response that perhaps many immigrant children have, and it is definitely the knee-jerk response for me. But knowing what I know over the last two weeks with our conversations and really letting all that sink in. Do I have a better life than my mother?
Sure I can be at a five-star luxury hotel, I do medical conference, be on awonderful date with wonderful man. What does it all matter because I have suffered mental torture from the day I was born. What does anything matter what are you are rich or poor, uneducated  or educated an immigrant or ânot if your baseline self never feels at ease.  My sister has touched on this, and your response was on point. I suffer from insomnia, headaches, chronic muscle tension and of resent over the last year and again now deep feelings of despair anxiety and sadness. My mother sleeps fine every single night, she never has an ache or pain, she doesnât have somatic manifestations of this anxiety because she doesnât have the emotional capacity to really absorb or suffer in the way that my sister and I do. Do I want her to suffer in that way? No thatâs not the point but to your question do I have a better life than my mother, I do not. I suffer to a greater extent and so many ways and just my daily breathing that she does not. I donât have to validate and say well at least I wasnât abuse the same way by my own  Family and husband. But you want to know something, I was abused by my own mother tell me what greater abuse then from your own mom?
- This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.
Cali ChicaParticipanti always wanted to know – what does it feel like to have a sense of relief – that (aah) feeling.
sure at the end of a yoga class i do feel slightly better, less tense in the muscles, more uplifted. but what does it feel like to take a deep breath in and out and let off some steam and feel a releasei can’t recall ever feeling a sense of relief. after an exam, after a huge event, after anything. waking up the next day and feeling that “phew” weight off your shoulders. nope never.
and it makes sense why. because my baseline has always been suffering and anxiety. i have no idea what it feels like to even come back from vacation and feel “lighter, more relaxed, at ease” (sure some relief from headaches or muscle tension, and 10 percent better mentally but what does it feel like to REALLY FEEL better.like oh you just got married – wow must be a huge sense of relief.
-nope, don’t feel any better just the same (like body is tensely holding onto something unable to let go)as a result of this my mind also finds other things to be stressed about if one stressor does pass, since it’s baseline is not to release stress (we have spoken about this in prior posts)
I asked myself, what will it take for me to stop this suffering. if it is rock bottom, then i’ve hit it – over the past year
1) got involved with the police, as I didn’t know how to take it any further
2) felt physically ill so many months, losing weight, feeling terrible
3) constant muscle tension everyday of my life
4) insomnia – this in and of itself ruins quality of life
5) so many numerous issues with my now husband given i too abused him, and projected all my abuse and negativity onto him for the past few years, which has caused him a great deal of trauma and ptsd (pushing forward the abuse). we are improving tremendously, but just like i suffered, these sort of things leave scars and marks and pain
6)inability to ever daydream, feel excited about the future – as above the baseline state is tense and not ever relieved, my mind doesn’t fathom anything different (not because it is afraid to)
like oh you must be so excited for the move – kinda feel nothing
oh you must be so excited you graduated – oh hmm i did, don’t feel much differentoh you’re so lucky that this X thing happened – sure i can see that in my head or in theory, but do i FEEL that, nope.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.
Cali ChicaParticipantYes. Not are they cruel and unkind. They gaslighted us and continue to if we ever bring it up or have a fleeting memory of such. They also bring up how ungrateful we are if ever speak the slightest mark against them.
This is quite classic. I think my sister and I struggle more with the things that aren’t as apparent or straightforward so to speak.
Such as with my mom – she did suffer a lot ever since she was married and moved to this country. My father was very bad to her especially in the first years of marriage until I was about 4 or so. And her own family members, siblings who had moved to the US prior to her were very terrible to her and me. My entire young childhood I recall feeling this and seeing with my own eyes My aunt’s and uncles leaving us out, Insulting us etc. When I was old enough to absorb it on my own I felt so bad that people would treat my parents this way. Back then they still tried a lot with such people and were always sad and defeated.
So I do know a lot of that suffering is true and objective. I do also know that it doesn’t warrant any of their own evil behavior. Sure. But I do sometimes struggle with the fact that they had so much sadness and suffering especially 10-15 years ago. And aside from them as parents, my mom had even more suffering given that my father also treated her poorly years ago.
Cali ChicaParticipantHello,
Along with that, there was a time when my mom was having company that my mother said to my sister: we have people coming over so go somewhere, it will look bad if they come over and youâre just home. (Like oh she is just home no plans no friends)
i remember my sister calls me while driving and pretty much trying to kill time – and I was so saddened.  At this time about 2 years ago I will say I didnât know what I knew now  my thought process was dual.  1) how terrible for my mother to do this to my sister – so what if sheâs home! 2) my poor sister doesnât have an alternate plan so sheâs out there literally trying to kill time â
now my thought would be more like this: 1) how dare a mother treat her daughter like that – she finally has someone âoverâ and finally feels like she has friend so she kicks her daughter to make herself look âgood or coolâ Â absolute atrocious abuse.
i see a lot more of her actions to my sister as this – and I have realized over the last week that yes she may have more blatantly said these things to my sister as she has this different attitude towards her  – that doesnât mean I havenât endured incredible abuse from her too. Sometimes I think a lot of it has pertained to recent times but looking back I see patterns so young. I just didnât know it. Here are some memories:
1- very strange but if we were getting our bathing suits on when we were much younger say I was 10  my mom would jokingly ALWAYS bring up how she never had the belly or stretch marks before I was born  – and she was so skinny – how she misses that body. I recall feeling kind of bad that this âhappened to herâ
2- I was a very naughty child and itâs been a running joke as a child that I was a terror. This is often joked around and is not uncommon in many families. Well it was always made apparent to me by my mother that I always cried when I was a young baby and toddler. Inconsolable and entirely attached to her. Â She couldn’t go anywhere or do anything without me crying.
I recall a time in medical school say I was 22 – and I had the first of what I now know is an “emotional breakdown” feeling lost overwhelmed, scattered, hopeless, sad. At this time I had NO idea that my parents were what we know now. I just thought they had a lot of sad things happen to them by many people and as a result endured a lot of pain. (my poor parents so many people have done them wrong and made them suffer)
Anyway at 22 I recall feeling that “breakdown” and I usually went to my friends for the typical ups and downs – but I remember it was so bad I instantly called my parents.
I recall talking to both parents and they said things like: we don’t know what to tell you, ever since you were young you’ve always had a problem. You came out of the womb crying and you continue still. We just don’t know what to do with you. This is too much you’re an adult now.
I had totally forgot this until 2 weeks ago, something on TV reminded me and I told my husband and he was horrified. He said I know a lot of what your parents did- but to kick you when you’re down like that. Wow.
I thought to myself things like this were the norm – wow.
3) another thing is related to let’s say dating/marriage. For me (because my mom considers me this princess golden child) she always had an expectation that I would marry the “best” guy. So in many ways those qualities van be tangible such as career, education, etc.
This is not uncommon in My culture and that’s fine. On the other hand she has told my sister and I from a very young age how unhappy she is with my father (a whole other story to post about) and as a result said and imprinted so many things in our brains: make sure you find someone you’re attracted to, make sure you find someone that’s a fun person, etc.
Yes it seemed like “advice” back then. But if was sick. Because as a person who takes what my mom said very seriously (as you pointed out to me that I take the job very seriously) I took this to heart.
I would go for someone that was educated and food on paper, but say didnt make me laugh I would have an immediate feeling of anxiety about the concept. And so much pressure on myself. Such as oh how will I ever find “both”
My mom always had a comment. If someone was marrying someone that they got along with but wasn’t necessarily great on paper she would say oh look she got stuck with that kind of guy bc she had no options . But then on the other side still go on and on about how she’s such a fun and adventurous person and my father isn’t and so that’s been such a let down in her life. A daughter like me as you know- took this mixed feedback and all to heart. It was very overwhelming.
She often also made it feel like we have the power. I have to find a good guy. Smart girls find them. But then she would go on and on about how some people are lucky And some aren’t. (she applied this to many things in life).
For a very long time I put immense pressure on myself with dating given all the above. (I’m sure I can elaborate more later).
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