Hello Anita,

To be quite honest – my approach is going to be self based.  My parents are so beyond insane, and unable to understand anything.  There is no possibility of directing anything TOWARDS them.  In fact, it will make them more angry and combative, and increase stress further.  IT has been a vicious cycle in the past when I tried to do such in a cool calm and collected way.

Unfortunately, it will have to be me blowing off punches – but also somehow being able to have a firm stance as well.

Dear Anita,

I have enjoyed writing both the previous posts, and I am glad that you have enjoyed reading them.

I had a conversation with a colleague/friend yesterday that was quite pivotal. It is similar to what you have been pointing out to me over the last month – and I think it may have finally hit.

He was asking me how things have been going (he is well aware of details of family issues and all – a very close person to me). I started telling him a little about my father (recent cardiac issue) and sister, etc.
He then interjected and stated, “okay – but how are you?” i said…”i guess fine – i mean better as I took a break from talking to them extensively over the week on vacation.”

i then continued. he then stated “okay – but how is your marriage.”
similarly I said: “yes..things are going better, since i’ve been able to detach more from the family issues, and create more boundaries.”

he then repeated: “okay i get that, but how is your marriage?”

I realized something at that point, something that he was trying to get at – and out of me.

My ENTIRE definition of how I am, and more so, how my marriage is – is dependent on my family.

It is the state of my mind, and thus, the state of my marriage. Sure this makes sense given the torture and horror that has been let alone the last year (not to mention years and years of imprinting and abuse).

But I see how you have been mentioning 1 vs. 2. 1 being biological family, 2 being the family I chose (my husband and future).

I see now that – I have not shifted my attention to #2. Yes, I have been working on dealing with #1, and that is not a short term affair, it is a long term ongoing burden. (even if one goes no-contact, as you deal with recovery and healing from the trauma.)

I know this is not easy for me, or someone like me, as my life is INUNDATED with my mother and also what I realize now (sister) too. But I also know that I can actively make a choice to shift attention.

I know it is time to do so…and I will first allow myself to do this, by expressing it here.

Anita, I would like to open up to you about my relationship. I know you have heard bits and pieces in regards to the saga that is my parents. I also know my sister has alluded to some troubles that are similar to what we have in other parts of our life – of course patterns exist. No better quote exists for the relationship I have had with my husband than:
“for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”
When you wrote this, it did start the wheels churning in my head in regards to this epic concept in my life. Yet, it is only now that I want to actively pursue uncovering it.

I will post later today about some concepts that I feel are relevant. Right now I do feel stuck in regards to that. I will not force it, I know it will flow with time (just as my previous posts you enjoyed did – these took time, patience and learning).

what I will say is that I do feel angry. I do not feel angry about: “why would my parents say this to me, or why would they treat me this way, why don’t they understand.”
Instead I feel angry that I am so tortured and traumatized by all of it – that I suffer. I do not deserve to suffer, and I will take every measure I can to promote diminished suffering, so that I may begin to heal.

I also know that until I begin to suffer less, and heal, my relationship too will suffer. I have seen the beginning of hope, change, and resilience within us. I am married to a patient, resilient, and understanding man – more than any human I have ever met. But – he is still human, and he is not a punching bag. I vow to not treat him as a punching bag anymore, by developing healthy habits – but more so, I vow to not receive these punches from my family. Punch and shoot they will, with all of their might, but i have to deflect with my shield.

soon enough I will begin to process of truly focusing on my marriage #1 before all. It will be an ongoing process to remind myself of such.

yes, i do feel angry that I have not been able to for so many years, and even still. when someone asks me how long I have been married (5 months) I have to stop and ask myself. Yes, because it has been very hectic – but more so because we aren’t the newlyweds that are focused on ourselves and starting this new chapter, instead we are distracted and inundated by everything else..

Dear Anita,

I am back from my vacation.  The second half of my trip was busy, a lot of job related interviews and visits with old friends.  Every step of the way I kept our conversations with me, and our words brewed inside me creating stronger and stronger roots.  Yes, even though I am 32, I can still begin to form new neuropathways, or re-calibrate some of the old ones.  This will take time, deliberation, and practice.  I see the beginning of some of that now – which makes me hopeful and proud -but also very humbled to the process and depth of it all.

Interestingly, I spent a good amount of time this weekend with my best friend’s baby, a sweet and very smart 1.5 year old boy.  While spending time with him, your above conversation rang very loud.

You wrote: “you don’t see your future children because they are not here yet. He or she will be born with a brain ready to form those many, many neuropathways. As you continue to invest in those in your life who already have powerful neuropathways that fail them, you will be less able to see to it that your child has effective pathways formed. So that he or she will not struggle like you have, like your sister had. Those struggles can be prevented.”

You’re right, but I am beginning to.  I see that every moment in a new child’s life is an opportunity for new neuropathways.  Although that may seem very overwhelming for many new moms (wow I need o be aware of every moment!) – I find it fascinating and exciting.  Right before my eyes, this baby learned a new word and action as I enforced it a few times.  Just like that! I have always loved this ability and resilience in children.  Thus, Efforts directed towards those who are already hardened, unable to change, and continue to be toxic (parents) will take away energy from promoting positivity in a young undeveloped mind.

A majority of the reason that my friend’s baby is so happy and smart (aside from the randomness of personality etc) is that he spends the majority of his time with her parents.  They (I am very close to them) are sweet, patient, nurturing and kind.

The old me would have looked at this and felt discouraged.  I would have thought to myself: look how nice it is for my friend to have such a supportive family, her son benefits so much.  It will be very hard for me one day as I am deeply exhausted already by what my parents have done to me, and they will only cause more stress and poor influences on me and my future children.

I did not think of it this way at all.  Instead I thought of it like this: Wow, how sweet for this baby to have all this support, I am so glad for him and my friend.  I see the beauty in this child’s innocent and wild eyed wonder – this does not scare me, it motivates me! It inspires me that one day when it is my turn to be my friend (new parent) I will do all it takes to promote good and positive behavior in a child such as  this.  I know this to be true in my heart, and I know I will do this against all odds.  (as per previous posts, self development and focusing on well being comes with a price).  I feel very strong about this – and sure I do not plan to have children within the next year, but regardless the fact that I see the scenario like this now (as opposed to previous paragraph) shows me my change in priority and focus and strength.  I will not let anything get in the way of that.

Next,

You wrote: “How much will it take out of you, those “endless .. efforts”- in the context of still having a marriage that needs to be nurtured, maybe having children who will need so much from you, a career that is so demanding… after all, you are not superhuman.”

No, I am not superhuman.  Nor, do I continue to want to think I am and try to uphold that expectation or title.  Over this past week I learned something: That merely the baseline of life elements (a marriage, having children, a career) needs to be nurtured.  These are not only things that need to be nurtured when there is a problem, nope – they need to be nurtured on a regular basis. Why? because this is for the well being of them, just as well being of one’s self requires regular nurturing.

I think of this akin to something I used to do: Oh I don’t need to catch up on sleep this weekend even though I  feel terrible, I’ll just drink extra coffee to be there for these other people – and I’ll sleep in the future.

Nope, life and well being doesn’t work like that.  It is an ongoing process, to soothe and nurture yourself, or other life elements.  In the above scenario, you may think it is working short term (the concept of only nurture when things get to an extreme) but sooner or later this scenario is set up for extreme burnout.  Just as a marriage would be.  I see in my own marriage I did not understand what it meant to nurture a relationship, respect a man, or put the views of myself and him above my mom.  We are facing the consequences of that now.  Nurturing is the only way.

Over the last few months, I have made the marriage a priority – in daily nurturing, living each day making a deliberate effort to be good, calm, focused and not projecting negativity from others.  I already see a tremendous change! So, yes, Anita – life already needs so much from us.  Just the baseline of upholding good habits and trends is a daily effort.   – “endless efforts” for someone or something that will never amount to any good will all be done in vain, just to take away from the pot of energy towards things that do require good efforts.

You wrote: “Notice this, you are still motivated to improve their experience of life, this time by setting your boundaries. I believe you are determined to do so not only for your own well being, but you are hoping it will help them. A motivation so strong doesn’t die.”

I see this is deep ingrained in me.  The thought of, “If I do this, it can help them like that.”

I will say however, that I am slowly starting to shift – I am starting to feel that boundaries are not efforts for the big picture or other party, they are efforts for self preservation.  To preserve my energy pot as above.  In addition, boundaries are shields, they allow me to deflect negativity and self doubt.  They keep me from absorbing all the woes around me, and help me focus inward into the priorities and well being of my life.  Boundaries are a new language for me, but things that have already brought me progress.

When it comes to parents- I no longer believe what they say.  When my mother told me 2 weeks ago, that I was terrible for not being there for her and my father, and that it’s terrible she had to uber it to the hospital.  No, I did not like to be talked to in this way – of course.  But they were just her words – they just bounced off, I did not believe them for even a second.  One year ago – this would not have been the case.  I have had tremendous growth in this sense, a lot of which is due to your tremendous help and support.

Regarding boundaries, I notice that I have been practicing not absorbing my friend’s issues/nuances/perturbances as my own.  I have been successful at having this radar and saying to myself: “calichica, is this bothering YOU – or is it bothering HER and such you’re automatically letting it get to you.  remember it is not your duty to ALSO be bothered and brought down by the concept.”  I used this tactic a few times -and it was brilliant.  I found that it not only freed me of unnecessary burden, the conversation and interaction was overall lighter and freer with my friend.  This taught me that so often, I “feel the feelings for other people” when perhaps they don’t even feel them for themself! No need to – what good comes of that! the mother voice and imprinting has given me a sense of: automatic need to be burdened.  I can begin to undo that pattern.

The next part of my post will be related to boundaries, parents, and shielding myself from external negative energies.

My husband and I are likely going to move across the country in the next 6-8 months.  This is not official, and I have not expressed in to anyone as a fact.  We have been interviewing all over the country, and this weekend I feel that we both sensed a big move will be the right decision.  This includes many reasons such as change of lifestyle, climate, career opportunities, and a new adventure.

It does make my husband anxious that such a move, would then put us thousands of miles away from his own parents.  (my in laws currently live an hour north of us, my parents an hour south).  Sure, it is nice we won’t be so close in geography to my parents.  Yet, given that his parents are older and very supportive – it is a valid thought for him.  I was at first not very supportive of this thought process.  I felt instantly: “well we can’t make decisions based on others” given that I am so fed up with my own parents and not allowing them to be in the decision thought process – I projected this onto him.  He patiently reminded me that they aren’t apart of the process, yet, it is normal for him to think and pause. To have thoughts such as: if say in the future his parents are sick, will it be stressful for us to be thousands of miles away.  Would they potentially move, closer to us if we have kids, would we want them closer if they were ill, etc?

After a week or so passed, I realized, that given the fact that I do not have normal nurturing parents, it was hard for me to understand this thought process of his.  But I allowed myself to see it his way (for once! usually I am so brainwashed into only seeing things one way, the mother voice)  It is all about growing and becoming open minded.

Regarding a move: Here is an internal dialogue I have with the mother voice.  Whether this will or will not be a true conversation in the near future, is not my focus.  My focus is that my internal dialogue has changed.  My response has changed.  My belief about myself and as a result, others, has changed.  Thus, the most important conversation we can have in life, is the one with ourselves.  Here it is below:

1) “okay parents, we have decided we are going to make this move across the country”

-is it because you found nothing close by? did you look hard enough? what about that great offer an hour away? did you just let it go?

(nope, I didn’t just foolishly make this decision without also looking close by.  In fact, I searched and worked so hard on this decision more than you can imagine.  You may think I didn’t, but that is your insecurity and fear I am leaving you talking.  I am making this decision appropriately, and you can’t make me think otherwise)

2) “well it might seem like this is a good idea at first, but your whole life is here, friends and family – after a while you will get lonely there – the glamour will fade.”

– (not believing the words for a minute.  I know that my husband and I have a strong bond, and this will be a great new adventure for us.  Those that are close minded to growth can not appreciate this. Well, it is not my duty to stoop down to their level to explain – I won’t let them squash my spirit. I am excited and I know good things will lie ahead.  If there are moments of loneliness in a new place, as there always is, it is a normal part of a journey.  It is not because they are right.  They speak untruths.)

3) i say: “you know parents this is a great career move for both of us”

-well, there is more to life than just career–family and all is important too – making this decision based on that is looking at only one side..

(I see there is no truth to this.  Who are you to tell me family is important.  You ruined ours, and have no basis for family values, although you may think you can preach to it. I choose to create a happy and healthy future family, and these are some of the first steps.  Just because you are my elder and biologic family, does not mean that you have taught me and showed me the definition of family by any means.  This is something I have learned from myself and others, and will continue to with positive relationships.)

4) “what will you do when we are older, what you want to run away from your parents when they will need you? after all we have done for you? most children stay close to their parents as they get older, because they may need more help and support.  instead you are going to settle on the other side of the country!”

(this decision I have made is best for me, and my future family.  if i make this decision, I am confident in this.  This decision is not based on people who are selfish, self seeking, and unable to be happy for others.  This decision is not based on so called “parents” who see the benefit to themselves, prior to their children.  If I had good parents, I would be the first to put thought into their future into my personal decision making, just as my husband is.  But I don’t, and as a result, you do not have a reserved spot in my brain that allows me to think of you in this way.  Nor, do you deserve it.  I won’t allow it.  This does not make me a bad daughter.  This makes me someone who finally sees the light after 30 years in the dark.)

5) “well maybe your husband’s parents brainwashed you to move away from us.  they are old and likely can move all the way out there with you.  In fact, they probably willl! that’s their master plan, to move you away from your own family-us!”

(I am a smart, educated, and thoughtful woman.  I have made this (along with my husband) decision based on things that are important to us.  I am not a puppet that is all of a sudden brainwashed by others (such as in laws ) to act on a whim and change my life plan.  If you actually knew me and saw how strong I am, you would know that I would never make a decision like this “just because someone told me to.”

Second, in all reality my in laws have had no part in this decision making and are not brainwashing us -but that is besides the point.  If you want to have these delusions, go ahead.  I will no longer spend my energy trying to explain and PROVE to you that they are untrue.  Paranoia and delusional thinking aren’t something I can treat in you.  I will no longer try.)

6) “well that’s just like you, to use everyone around you to climb up to the top – and when everything is all figured out for you – you want to vanish and not be there for all those people.”

(I do not use people.  I have great relationships with people that are mutually collaborative, positive, and beneficial for both parties.  If I do not have this relationship with you, it is of no fault of mine.  You are incapable of such relationships because you are hollow, selfish, and self serving.  You project this view onto me, but it is the horrific image of yourself you see in the mirror.  I am nothing like you.  You do not understand me, my relationships, and growth – because it is foreign to you.  You are incapable of it.  That is not my fault.  That has nothing to do with me.

You may be threatened by my growth and ability to rise above.  That is not my fault.  I have wings and so I will use them to fly.  I will not inhibit my growth because of the insecurity and discomforts you have in your own self.  I was not put on this earth to stoop down to your level just to bring you comfort.)

Moreover in life, I will no longer put myself down just to soothe the discomfort in others. It is not my duty. I will shine, rise above, and protect my spirit.

Dear Anita,

I spent yesterday re-reading a lot of posts between you and I from the beginning. Oh how consistent you have been in your advice/comments. Thank you for that – as it is finally beginning to sink in slowly.

You are right we have been having a very intense conversation this week. I will take the rest of today to reflect on your most recent post. I am deeply deeply moved by it. Reading it, I felt A very strong connection to it. It is worthy of reflection. Here are the concepts that stuck out tome The most.  I will allow myself to have them sink in before jumping to new thoughts/ideas. (something that I am working on – it goes along with self reliance and allowing one’s self to sit with their thoughts/suffering/etc.)

1) When you allow a person to use you as an audience for her suffering, you not only sacrifice your own well-being, you also prevent her, be it your mother or your sister, from a possible, maybe-opportunity to contain her suffering and in so doing, to experience the beginning of her well-being.

—I see this is a two way process. When I EXIT the audience – It not only limits my sacrifices of well-being and equilibrium, it also potentially allows my sister (mom is a lost cause and not focus for change) to develop any potential sense of self reliance.
I shall reflect.

2) When you are the audience to a histrionic person you are watching a performance of a person who is focused on creating strong emotions in you.

—YES! I found myself thinking last week, why does sister continue to call and text both me and my husband with this agenda of: “well don’t you see, don’t you get it!!!” Vs. This is what its going on I need help.
I see this is the work of someone who is creating a performance to invoke emotion. That is the way this person can side-step the true suffering in the moment, and get on the podium with the mic.
I shall reflect.

3) It is also, unfortunately, not likely that your sister will heal. It is best that you don’t expect her to heal. Hope for her healing, I understand that, but expecting it will bring you despair.

—this is very strong Anita. And very true. You are able to honestly and truly point that out – I commend you. It is not easy to “say” it. Reading this was eye opening and I will bring myself back to it Everytime I feel the despair based on those expectations.

4) Do what you can do to help her by not being her audience. I can’t stress that enough. By refusing myself to be her audience, I will probably lose her myself, in the context of this website. Yes, I said it, you may lose her in a strange way when you are no longer her audience. She will be looking for an audience elsewhere. There is a price to pay for your learning and understanding, for your hard earned well being.

—In fact I used to notice/observe such things when I was younger.
I recall an older cousin get dumped because her then boyfriend went on and stopped indulging in the bad behaviors/patterns that they had both been involved in. My cousin felt: “oh what! so he’s better than me now? He’s Too good for me so he left?!” and felt betrayed. So I saw it that way too since I was young. In fact I was quick to see things that way, given that This is also how my mom sees such situations (instant betrayal and personal attack).
Now I don’t. If I saw this cousin concept NOW, today – I would think: “yes he is, because he moved up and out of that despair, he worked hard to find well being, hard personal work – and so it has a price to pay. No, He can no longer accommodate yours/his old destructive behaviors. So it’s not that he’s better than you or a personal insult/attack, it is that he is now better than those old toxic patterns. As a result, he had to move on- thats the price to pay for his well being.”
I would understand she’s sad sure, but my entire mindset about it would be different. Of course I also recall that this cousin then so quickly searched for an audience elsewhere, It was like oxygen for her.

What a difference in the way I would see this now!. How eye opening. (How funny this Random example from when I was 14 pops up in My brain)

I will reflect on all of the above today.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Histrionic personality disorder stuck out to me about 10 years ago when I first learned about it in medical school in our psychiatry class. I instantly saw a connection with the disorder and my mother and especially some aspects of it such as cycling of emotions and shallowness. My mom has many examples of this disorder that I’ve seen throughout my life especially when we were younger when she used us as an audience on a daily basis -given that my sister and I lived in the same home as her and of course looked up to her.

It has been very pivotal for me to realize some of the similarities between my sister and my mother. This is not to mention that I too carry many of these characteristics given that they have been imprinted in me. But the difference I see now is that— the way that my sister is dealing with her struggles and distress is very similar to my mother in regards to things such as the exaggeration, the audience, and the seeking of attention and empathy. I think that you made a great point to me saying that it’s not necessarily help that they seek, but this sort of audience for their performance. For, when I actually try to give objective and straightforward help, they can be very resistant to it.

I have noticed over the last few days the thing that causes me the most distress is not my mother but my sister. I truly feel sad in my heart for my sister, she’s only 25 years old, and has been unable to enjoy the majority of her life. She struggles on a daily basis, and when girls her age are out thinking about parties and fun and friends and boys— she is having functioning issues on even the most basic levels. She Tries to also live her life in this way, being social and fun and outgoing, but it usually comes to cycle back and blow up in her face whether it be a boy, a friendship or whatever. Makes sense why this happens of course because on a basic level she is on able to think normally, process normally, and is very deeply disturbed by all of the things that we know.
Yesterday my friend who is here on this trip with me was talking about all of the events of the last week with myself and my husband. She made it a point that although it is sad what my sister is going through, it is not my fault nor my responsibility to fix it. I instantly said yes, but it is not her fault that she puts it on me as she doesn’t know what to do.
I then felt a strange feeling of guilt and sadness that I was putting my sister into a negative light and maybe making her look bad. I noticed that this used to be something I thought about my mother, this feeling of wanting to protect her image -not make her look bad, as other people would not understand. She struggles in such a deep way that by explaining it only makes her look selfish and bad, but in reality they don’t understand her. Although my sister story is quite different I did feel a similar sense of not wanting to taint the image of my sister that a friend of mine would have.
My friend must’ve read my mind as she stated, I know your sister is a great girl of course I know that, but I do not think that what she is doing is not OK. I think that you do have to continue to place that boundary for yourself and for your husband. I said yes you are right and this is exactly what I have been talking to you (Anita) about.

I then went to sleep feeling even more sad —thinking wow, is this how it is, my sister seems to be draining, and toxic —when all she is is a sad suffering soul?
I had trouble processing it. It felt similar to the idea of: this person struggles on such a deep level that they can’t help being that way. However, what they are doing is really not working for me and it’s causing me major distress therefore as my friend said it must be not OK.

And then throughout the day today processing this has given me a deep feeling of heaviness, a feeling of sadness that my sister does feel this way and suffer – but also feeling of heavy bass that this will be something that I will also be dealing with throughout my life. I feel quite weighed down.
Not to mention all of the personal suffering in distress that I have in my own self giving my mother voice.

Dear Anita,

Yes it is good evidence. It will either help (be beneficial) or not hurt. I know this. And of course I need to be stable and centered in order to be a good support to others.

Your point about the exaggeration is so true. I don’t feel I ever allowed myself to see this. As I would hear the mother voice: why do you think she is exaggerating, what- so you haven’t ever felt like that?! So when you acted that way we didn’t say you’re exaggerating and now your poor sister struggles and That’s your response?!

not to say that my mother would actually say this in regards to my sister. But she would surely in regards to herself. Because : she never ends.

absolutely. If it’s a wedding it’s about her. Future grandchildren about her. If my father is sick it’s about her (well if he’s gone I’m all alone).  An extreme level of self absorption that is done in such a “woe is me” self deprecating sort of way that it may trick someone. For it is not in the classic entitled self absorbed woman (think- queen like narcissist who thinks the world revolves around her). My mother is exactly that person and actually worse. She isn’t just the “diva” that thinks the world of herself, she takes it miles beyond and also the “sad soul” that needs saving. Using either persona on a given day depending on the response she needs. Superior in one breath, helpless in another. Almighty in one sentence, victim in the next.

And exaggeration is a key point. I notice the similarity between her and my sister in that: they will go to great lengths to show the severity of their situation. And as soon as you (I) absorb it and reflect on it and say wow that is terrible I do understand – they immediately snap back to superiority and defense mode:

”oh well it’s not that bad. Oh it’s not like I’m the only one who deals with this, anyone in my shoes would. Oh what you haven’t felt the same, you don’t understand”

Hook and bait.  Then self imposed importance  defensiveness

Dear Anita,
“You took it upon yourself, as children so often do, to rescue the parents so that they will be able to survive so.. that you will be able to survive. Point is, they, neither your mother nor your father saw the little girl Cali Chica as a lifeguard. Neither one saw you as their rescue. They still don’t.”

Yes I did take it upon myself. And I still do. And yes, they do not see me as a lifeguard. They never did. And never will. In fact they don’t see ME.

“They don’t value you as a person but as a mean to an end“

This is so apparent in even the smallest ways. Before I came on this trip a few weeks ago (we are With 2 other couples, 6 people) my mom had asked who is going and what we will do. I had mentioned that it is a ski trip, but I will likely do yoga and relax during the day. She states oh yes skiing, other people liek your friends enjoy that.
No understanding that my husband himself is a huge ski lover, and I have enjoyed it since trying it too. She only sees herself. (WE) don’t ski. Not me. But her. She doesn’t know where she ends and I begin.
It was Infuriating during the wedding planning time (and mind you these details about wedding decor/ideas I could care less about- more the concepts). She would always interject if someone was asking: what color? Or what food? She would quickly say oh we don’t like that, we prefer this. Often I would look at her and say well that’s not true. YOU don’t like that. I and my HUSBAND do. She would not let this process for even a second (incapable of even allowing it to absorb). She would quickly deflect and say oh well I just thought this. Or make a silly statement.

It happened so many times that it was so apparent to me (and my husband) that she is living life thinking I and others around her are puppets to get to her master decision/plan/outcome.
Funny thing is – if and when we do get there….It’s like it doesn’t even matter. For she is now onto the next thing. What an exhaustive way to live. Not for her. But for those around her. ME.

She doesn’t value me as a person, just a means to an end. Someone to make herself feel better about if she is feeling low. Someone to show off about if she feels Inadequate. And someone to put down when she wants to project misery.
Never to think what does calichica want? Well OF COURSE she wants X. That’s how she was raised.
And if she doesn’t want X anymore. It must be because someone brainwashed her to not want it. (Someone like her husband) because the daughter I know would always want and love X.

I had difficulty with this concept about a year ago because I believed her. I too thought, yes wow have u changed and become brainwashed? Do I no longer value things that I was raised to value. Oh no am I CHANGING?!!

Now I see:
1) I sometimes don’t even know what I truly want because it is so tainted by her voice and her lack of differentiation between her and I.
2) and so be it! Say I did Change and so did my preferences. I am allowed to. I can grow. And this isn’t a slap in her face. Growing and changing is beauty and life, it is not a direct disrespect on another (especially not a parent like her). How dare she try to inhibit my growth and make me feel guilty for growing in directions she can no longer understand or fathom. In directions that don’t SERVE her.

So I will continue because this just came to my mind after I posted above. I am alone with my thoughts today in a wonderful environment so I am allowing them to flourish, as I do not have to give myself constraint of having to be somewhere else. I will let my mind flourish and I will let a lot of these repressed feelings come out as they wish.

So knowing all the above, what would make me want to reach out to them? If I put it simply what would make me do what I always do —check in with her on vacation/continue the normal sense of contact.

Maybe a sense of guilt, a sense of deep horrific fear that if I do not keep in touch with her for the next 10 days or so she will have a meltdown when I return, and in order to avoid that it’s good to just do the bare minimum and check in? This is the natural way that I have been prone to thinking over the last year or so when her abuse has become pretty bad. But if I truly think about it and especially look at some of the text messages that have been quite abusive over the last year.
Were any of my actions preventative?
Every time I tried to do something or the bare minimum just to avoid some horrifying meltdown after, didn’t she just go on and have a horrifying melt down anyway! Nothing I did matter. The result was always the same!

So the thesis is that no matter what I do or don’t do, what I say or don’t say, who I’m with or not with, what I feel or don’t feel —she will always be the same. she will continue to go up and down, curse me then cry to me, be happy ,be miserable, feel like she’s losing her mind, be ecstatic with glee —all of which has nothing at all to do with my actions.
Maybe I am small minded to think that I still have any Role in this.
By accommodating her and giving into such things such as contact and keeping in touch during vacation (or anything at all) I still feed the beast and allow it to be quelled at least momentarily (or so I think!).
By thinking that – I essentially feel that I may have some power to prevent this beast from becoming a monster.
But this beast is by nature a monster! whether you feed it or whether you let it starve whether you tranquilize it for a day or provoke it it is all the same. The monster is a monster at the end of the day. Now and forever.

Many would think that I would already have a deep understanding of this. Prior to my husband proposing to me about two years ago, my parents threw so many tantrums and caused me so many issues that I had severe physical symptoms that I have explained to you before. My dear husband finally managed to pull off a fantastic proposal that was above and beyond any girls expectation or dreams. It was truly special, however 24 hours after it – when we been celebrated with friends and family back home, she created another enormous tantrum and took away any ounce of happiness that I might have gained from all that he planned for me. A very special moment in a young woman’s life instantly squashed.

I was in tears from that moment for a week straight going back to the same physical symptoms again. Yup back to the terror instantly! Something that should be someone’s happiest time, was instantly removed from me and once again miserable and terrible and torturing. The next time I saw my fiancé after that proposal was a few days later, and I was in so many tears that I was uncontrollable and hysterical. The look of sadness on his face I could never forget, he said that —we went through so much just so that we can finally get engaged and I did it! I pulled it off magically and I wanted you to be the happiest girl in the world. and it did! It went perfectly and now what?!! I feel truly an utterly defeated I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have nothing left. “. Those were his words. Something died in him that day, and it has never come back.

You would think that that would’ve been a pivotal moment for me. You would think that that would make me say you know what enough is enough even after all that torture we finally got to this pinnacle milestone for us -that made everyone happy, me, you, my parents your parents —but she still had something wrong she still found a way to torture us she still found a way to take any ounce of joy from everything. I will no longer let her have that power over me and over us.

But I didn’t.

I succumbed. I allowed her indecency to then make me indecent. to make me then also a negative abuser of my husband. My husband was defeated that day and lost apart of him, and then I continued to beat him down. My mom was angry so then I was angry and projecting onto him. Each action had an equal reaction onto another.
We fast forward now two years later after going through so much with the wedding planning of the wedding itself.
And I am sitting here today with my thoughts to myself, and it is still difficult for me to let it all sink in. I understand like you said that it is very difficult especially the relationship between a mother and child, to truly admit to yourself wow all this truly means that my mother does not love me for she is really not capable of love. I do believe that my mom is a sociopath and she is unable to have any true feelings of love for another person, I do believe that someone like her should never have had a child, and I also do believe that just because that she has given birth to me -it is not my birthright to automatically be a victim of abuse.

But still it is hard for me to have that “ah ha” moment and just say nope no more – it ends right now. Completely.