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Dear Anita,
Incredible. After I wrote that post to you – I wrote to myself. ( I didn’t want to post again and bombard you before hearing your reply) What I wrote to myself is what my interpretation was – why did I act this way. The first thing I wrote down was the The Disney World example, TDT. I then proceeded to write about how TDT is a microcosm of everything. Yes. I wrote how even looking around the living room had TDT. I did an exercise last night – I looked around and saw something and wrote down my immediate reaction. For example TV set (my mother mentioned that only lonely lazy people watched hours of TV, most people have friends and social events so they don’t need to do that). Next, board games under my TV (first thought – oh how sad, these board game are untouched – going back to the mother voice of the fact that more is better, solace is bad – mother voice would say well hopefully someone comes over to play those – which is false and not what I believe, but see the first thought!) and it went on.
I wrote that this is why I tore these people apart, because in this world of TDT NOTHING is good enough. You have a job, you want more time. You have time, you want success. You have success, you crave mental peace. You have mental peace— oh wait you don’t. That doesn’t exist in TDT.
The part missing from my prose yesterday was this:”a part of you believes that indeed it is she/you is a victim and therefore, your anger is justified, as well as the cruel behavior it leads to” Yes – justified. You said it. I in my head may not “think it” in thoughts floating above, but my ingrained soul and wiring DOES believe that. I believe with continuing my healing path and getting farther and farther away from TDT, and rewiring to new thoughts – I will slowly let go of that. What do you think?
I also was up all night thinking about this. I was tossing and turning, and I look to my husband who is also. Now this is a guy who NEVER had poor sleep until the advent of the stress from all this. I look to him and I wait, I don’t distract, I don’t beat myself up for having insomnia, I don’t go to my phone to read or turn on the TV. I wait and I see what comes up. What comes up is the following – first spoken to with him (as he too sensed my energy and woke up as well) and then written down to post here:
Dear Anita,
You stated: Here within lies the real work, what is to come now is the hard work, it is the real thing. I listened to this, and I believed you, I even thought I had an idea about what you meant. But I truly understand now, in this moment. Now I know, now I feel it. This weekend gave me a glimpse of the real thing, the real work. I had spent time in my cocoon, shielded from a lot of the distractions of the world. Naturally that was not sustainable for long – so off I went back to the “real world.” Back to natural tendencies, habits, and the like. It felt normal at first, of course I will be social again – it’s summer, my friends are reaching out – why not? But slowly being social turned into absorbing the issues of others, to having issues with boundaries, to feeling resentful for others’ taking my time/energy/focus. But it is not them. IT is me. I can choose who I give away power and energy to. I have choice. Just as I had the choice to remove my parents from my life, I have choice for the next steps as well. If I took that major choice – then I am capable of any choice hereafter.
The interesting thing is, none of the struggles of this weekend involved my parents (directly). This is how I know I am now on the “second” part of this journey. I didn’t think once, oh did I make the right decision, how are they doing, anything about them. I thought of my mother as in that her mother voice has created such a negative bias in me, to taint my entire life and being. For this I am not angry, I am aware. For this I know it will take THAT much extra work for me. I am not the norm, I am not the general population. What applies to them does not apply to me, the strength, energy, and deliberate focus I must exert to heal is on another level. Another universe.
The road block (parents) is gone, now what is left – is me, is my life. This here within is the real work.
I see it like this. I wanted to walk across the hot coals to get to the other side, to free myself, to achieve this goal to start a new life, a life without torment. But this requires tremendous support. I did not just wake up one day and decide to walk across the coals, for I hardly even knew what the coals were. It is my husband who supported me every step of the way. So when I was finally ready to walk across the coals, he said: go ahead. I said okay, and before I knew it, he was laying down on these hot coals, so that I may walk across. I walk across and think to myself – wow I did it. Now what? Now I will move forward. So I say to my husband, let’s go – I finally made it across! He says to me, yes and I am so proud of you, but unfortunately I am wounded now. You were able to walk across, and I offered you assistance, a way to bridge you over -but as a result I need tremendous healing. I must heal these burns, I am unable to jump start this path with you – for now I need my OWN healing. I have a task in front of me it is speaking to me loud and clear. It is up to me to look it’s straight in the eye and say I am ready for you. What is this task – it is to fix. Not just myself, but my husband, to fix us. Fix may not be the right word, but facilitate healing is. To make it a priority it is. It is much easier to distract it is much easier to be outward , it is much easier to say I’ll get back to you in sometime when I’m ready. You’re never fully ready, but in this case I am, I have taken out many obstacles in my way, for I walked across the coals. But that was hardly one small step, now is the real thing. Along the way someone was wounded and burnt, I see this now. I see the open wounds, and they are clear and loud. I have clarity, I have the ability to know better, the difficulty is that I too am struggling, the difficulty is that I too feel stuck in many ways, the difficulty is is that I also feel that I need support, well then let’s go support together make it a cost, make it a priority for what is more important in life?
I used to say I wish I was someone that would cry and feel sad and set of manifesting things the way I do, by feeling wound up by something – the need to go to something to talk to people etc. Well deep down inside I am no different, it is just that I distracted- I went out but I didn’t sit with my feelings, I never did sit, I numbed and I escaped. Well now there’s nowhere to go – it is time to sit, it is time to sit with myself and with each other. This time not just with me, but with my husband who needs that more than ever, this is the time: it is the formative time where we can heal and we must heal together. I want a good life, and I want to start. The power is within me. I don’t have to look far, nope. IN fact I must not look anywhere at all, just look to me and the wonderful person beside me.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 