Dear Anita,

on further thought – there’s a lot I can’t stand anymore – I have a low tolerance.

perhaps that makes me easily triggered.  perhaps because I have dealt with so much, and just in the beginning of my marriage.

perhaps I shouldn’t judge myself – and do only what serves me.

I do wonder in a way why I can NOT do say, what you said, go with the glitter when I feel like it.  My husband mentioned something like this – don’t expect much from her, and know where she stands, but you can spend time with her if it works out for you, and you’re up for it.

makes sense, what he said, and you said.  and it feels that I almost don’t have the ability to have this regulation.   my way does seem quite: all or nothing…

Dear Anita,

Glitter is right! always a good time, great time. fun groups she is in, and activities.

The thing is Anita – I thought I could do this.  But I can’t.  I find myself suffering even if I simply reply to a text.  It may even sound dramatic to an outsider.

What I am telling myself (you) is that her very presence irks me now, presence as in, her  fake ways of acting like she isn’t the selfish person she is.

Based on what I was reading yesterday – I think of it like this—

if you are healing from the cancer that is a toxic parent, best not to come across irritants while your immune system is low.  take time to heal and get your immune system back on track.

perhaps I simply can not handle anyone with the slightest bit of toxicity, unpredictability, selfishness – perhaps I feel so so triggered these days, my threshold is non-existent.

perhaps there’s no space for glitter without substance – perhaps only room for the path and substance…

what do you think?

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I was tired today, I am tired today. But I would like to write.  It is in times when we feel exhausted and defeated that we can look at our villains in the face.  We can say enough – don’t torture me.

But who is it that is the “torturer.”

Often it feels like one’s own mind.  Our mind agonizing, creating fear, our own self sabotage.  But as you dig further – and you learn your patterns, it becomes obvious that we are tortured by all that does not serve us.  To stay on this path. Our inner self, our “being” I will call it – it knows very well what we need.  and so all else outside of that will continue to torture us until we listen.

Sometimes I find that this may be too simplistic.  “so what – cut everything out?” “so what – live in a cocoon?”

But I see today, that often (in many cases) it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.  The way that my mother taught me, the way that many unstable people think.  That it is love or hate, good or bad.  Of course, as spoken earlier, i was either good daughter, or horrible.  Was there ever space for me to just be? Was there ever space for me at all?

And that is just it.  I notice I need space for me.  Space for what? For everything and nothing.

I was fed this delusion, believe this delusion, that because it was always about me – the golden child, the child who always got it right, the adult who succeeded, who never failed, was always liked, blah blah, etc etc. —- I believe that because all of this I had plenty of space for me.  In fact TOO much even perhaps.  But it is false.  I had no space at all, because intricately woven into all this was my mother and the mother voice.  It is a giraffe learning to walk, but carrying the dead weight of his mother before he even learns his first step properly.  It is being on the podium to speak to accept an award, but being most concerned how to thank your mother.  It is being told I am lucky and have it all, and feeling guilty that despite all this I was not happy – and being ridiculed about this – the irony.

No, there was never space for me.  All of this, all of the above is simply life steps.  They are not wholesome, they are not powerful, they are not healing.  They do nothing for a human or a soul.  I could have been in a concentration camp, or flying to the moon.  My mother had control of the real estate that is me.

So you feel angry, and want to stay away from anyone or anything that smells like poison even the slightest.

But it doesn’t always work that way.  And as an adult, we need to avoid, but also learn new tactics.  Unlearn the faulty, and learn the useful.

And the way to gain that in this modern world – is not always going to be cutting things out, or living in a cocoon.  But what it will be are boundaries.  Good old solid boundaries.

unwavering.  Yes, Anita I always did admire those that are unwavering.  In many ways – I was too. Look how unwavering in support for my mother until just a year or 2 ago.  Look how unwavering at keeping ties that did nothing good for me.

Yet, how WAVERING to the things that matter, my own definitions of good and bad.  That at the age of 33 I am JUST starting to define them.  No fault of my own – it is the way it is.

It feels fearful to be unwavering with boundaries.  Why? Fear came from the place of my mother.  “if you don’t do this, you will be alone.”

good is not here, it is over there.  no there.. no not here. keep going —over there.

It will take a long time to undo this.  It does not feel natural at times.  It feels wrong, or rude.  But my mother told me to denounce what is here, and jump to over there.

Well there is nothing at all over there.  I checked.  And I know now.

So hopefully my trust of this will follow…

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

It is stupid isn’t it.  Almost like a broken record.  Something doesn’t serve you (me) and you still seek it or attend to it, and then suffer.

Then again.  And again.

Perhaps because of deep ingrained ideas of what is “good and bad” and “right and wrong”

Clearly – it starts from the definition.  My OWN dictionary definition.  Perhaps I can spend some time creating this new dictionary.

Let me start here:

-good company = those who do not create distress or feeling of guilt in me

-good use of time = rewarding and productive, leading to either joy, relaxation, or not negating a good baseline state

-good people interaction = that of a win win situation, something positive for me, and something positive for me

There is no virtue in giving and giving and running yourself ragged.  you don’t get a prize.  no you don’t

Dear Anita,

I wanted to re-read your New Years day post and comment.

I have thought about the concept that others have their own distressing pathway. in fact there is a “friend” from college that now lives close to me here in nyc.  i have mentioned her before, as someone who is flakey and unreliable.  she is a fair weather friend, wonderful and all about you when convenient to her – no where to be found when its about her – everything is revolved around her life and schedule.

well anyway since i’ve moved shes been pretty persistent about meeting up, but of course only when shes in the area, and her new bf is available.  she makes it a huge point that i have to meet him, a lot of which is that she wants to “show off” and show how happy she is – it feels.  i notice how she has her own distress.  moreover, i notice how i feel anxious and tense even if i get a text from her.  her distressing energy (although masked) does rub off – even via technology! i notice that before i would judge this about me.

this time around, no matter how simple the plan – i feel toxicity from her end. even if it is a simple hello.  i don’t have space in my life for this – and so I know, like you stated, everyone has their own distress – and for now, or perhaps forever, when avoidable – i would like to stay away from that energy.

when fear is so strong in us. We live in a frenzy and  dust disrupts our vision.

yes, so well said.  dust disrupts our vision.  that is why it is even more important for the dust to settle. let i settle, so we may regain our vision, or at least see a little clearer after wiping some dust.

you wrote:

This is very common, parents criticizing their children, minor and adult, for all kinds of supposed character faults that really are the results, or consequences of their own actions. And we do criticize each other, other people for character faults that were born as unavoidable  consequences of their early experience, their parents’ actions.

this helped me gain some perspective,  how true this is.  and how much more compassion I must have, for a loved one (my husband) when I see he does not see things the way I do innately.  His upbringing was ENTIRELY different from mine – and so his baseline approach and way of dealing with people and life is such.  I understand this, but I do not always respect this.

Definitions are changing.  And it takes time.  Mostly the ingrained idea of he would she be our own self.  Self pressure.  But if we self trust, and see what our inner compass is telling us – we can learn a lot.  Do I need to be doing this right now? Do I need to be saying this right now? Do I need to be interacting with this person right now?

Most often – the answer is NO – when you are in the healing phase.  That I must and will respect.

Dear Anita,

Good Morning! I have read your 1/1 post many times, and allowed it to sink and savor.  I have thought a lot about the concept of letting the dust settle.

I am grateful for our conversations that led up to the New Year.  Although I know that you can always have a “fresh start” “new beginning” “awakening” at any time – it is nice when new awareness coincides with the advent of a New Year.

I want to write more about your post this evening, I am off to the second day of my new job in NYC! It feels good, and many other things – look forward to sharing more soon

Dear Anita,

Sink and savor, like a cup of tea – steeping.  It takes time for the tea’s essence to infuse, it takes great temperature to extract.

You can’t get a cup of tea without that heat, time to steep, and cool down process.   No, you can not – it is necessary.

So then how can thoughts and concepts sink in, steep in, without the same dedicated process.  They can not.

It is unreasonable to think that new teaching and concepts can quickly pass you (me) by and stick – and stay.  It is no fault of mine that they don’t, as they would not for anyone in this manner.  There must be time to steep.

For so many years, since adolescence – I would find myself coming across values, goals, and teachings that I “admired.” Perhaps it was the way a friend handled a situation.  Perhaps something I read.  Most likely random delusions fed from my mother.  All sorts of things.  Some of them innocent enough, some of them quite false and self deprecating.

So I would come across something.  Say – “oh look at her she doesn’t feel the need to go out on a Friday, she seems so comfortable staying in and relaxing in her own company.” I should do that. I should be like that.  Why aren’t I like that.

So the thought or concept is flung onto me, and without any time to process, observe, or understand- it’s quickly flung back out as – “something I should be.” And this happened for all sorts of things.  Ideas of who I wanted to be, what I should be doing.

But we can not expect ideas to bounce off of us like tennis balls, and stick for good.  We are only human.  I am only human.

Never did it occur to me, Anita, that people take time to let things settle.  “let the dust settle”  — or let life settle.  Let it sink in.

Here I am, after all these years of schooling and training, you would think I would know the value of taking time and dedication.  Well, not exactly.  I never prioritized taking the time to do things in a way that was best suited for me, or my mental health..  What did that even mean? I just did them, on a whim, on the fly – it always worked out – the results and outcome always presented itself – so what was so wrong?

My sanity, my nerves, my being.  Who I truly am is buried in the frenzy.  It was buried in the dust – I never let the dust settle.  I never let the tea bag steep, no I chugged it all at once instantly – wondering why I ended up with a scalded tongue year after year.

It felt wrong to take the time to let it steep.  It felt unnecessary, or guilt-worthy, or perhaps a luxury I did not have.

Interestingly, my father’s biggest gripe about me was exactly this – I never take the time to do things, I am always rushing.  Here and there everywhere, physically and mentally.  Oh how ironic, the people who put the most immense pressure on me to do all and be superhuman and attend to their mental health, also berate me routinely for being frenzied, and never taking the time to steep.  No wonder it was always a conflict.  No wonder I couldn’t look at it with clarity.  It wasn’t a simple, let me slow down – it came with baggage, repercussions, and feelings of guilt and obligation.

Burden.

And that’s just it.  I see what is burdensome now.  I see who is burdensome now, what people or types of people.  What scenarios, or types of situations. I see them this way because – I do.  Not because of what I should do.  But the hard part is the follow through.  To recognize what feels this way, and stick with it.  To not give in to instant gratification, patterns, guilt, and “shoulds.”

Because when I do, I then beat myself up over this – and the vicious cycle continues.  Recognizing what is right, not going along with it, and then hating myself even more.

But if you set yourself up to fail, time and again – you are destined to live in a cycle of sabotage.  And allowing people and scenarios that don’t serve you, or bring out what you need at this time – takes away from your ability to thrive – it sets you up to fail.  So then why do it? As above, because of instinct, innate patterns, and fear.

Fear of not doing enough, fear of not being who I “should” be, and fear of not being a “good” girl.

Well then – perhaps the definitions have to change.  What is good what is bad.  What is right what is wrong.

Because in my book today, good and right – is what FEELS good and right.  That is simply it.  My moral and internal gauge is enough of a compass.

I know now what is good and right, I just have to allow myself to sink and savor, to steep for a while.

I may only do this if I create an environment in which I have the clarity to do so.  When I can set myself up to thrive and feel great.

sometimes you just have to let yourself steep, no other effort required – because with a little bit of time, and some hot water, you have yourself an excellent cup of tea.