Dear Anita,

I wonder if you did walk Friday, and Saturday,and today.  I wonder how your leg is feeling.  Sometimes it feels as though healing is lightning speed, oh how wonderful – and at the same time as slow as can be.  In any way it is a beauty how the body heals it self — it is visual so we can see it, and tangibly feel it.  When it comes to the mind, it is much easier to not “see” the healing that takes place.  And like anything else, sometimes things have to feel much worse before they get better – or maybe not “much worse” but different that’s for sure…

I have thought all weekend about my wellness center.  How to approach it, how to even begin speaking about it, so much to say, such a whirlwind of ideas. So much authentic passion, and drive – yet a fine line towards anxiety.

I will let this simmer and get back to you about my wellness center later this week.  This will motivate me to think of it (or the plan of it) in a more coherent way, which will help me understand my intentions, and also be able to better explain them to others.  As I have learned when an idea, plan, or choice comes from a place of frenzy or anxiety – it does not reap the same results as it does when it comes from a place of love and calm.  Of course it is not black and white.  But I know myself enough now, that there is more “negative” chaotic energy backing this idea, then calm confident energy.  Will it remain this way? I don’t think so.  I wonder what you will think.  We will loop back around to it.

I thought today about how so much is interesting.  I don’t want to use the word “sad” – oh how sad.  Or how ironic.  Nope, because self speech, and the speech we have about our own life, affects and in many ways even dictates the way we feel about our own self.  Small, scared, fragile, on the brink? Well, look deep – what is the dialogue you are telling yourself?

I feel like this often, I think.  Maybe a lot MORE often than I even realize, as it becomes innate.  Innate to self badger, innate to not self-lift.  How interesting (first use of the term) that we can be in charge of this.  And no, it is not made up.  It is not phony.  It is not “fake it till you make it.” It is simply just lack of self-judgement.

Today I went to a wonderful yoga class, and took a hot shower after.  The whole process took most of my late afternoon.  I seldom have this time, but more importantly MAKE this time.  Yes, I dedicated half my day to self care.  Oh how often I would wish for this time.  “oh if only I could spend half a day doing yoga, and relaxing.”  Oh how lucky other women seemed, those who had liberty to do such.  “oh I hope one day I can do that.”

So here I am today.  I did it. Didn’t I? Was it earth shattering? No.  But was it natural, or innate? No.

I think about how not 10 minutes would go by, that I would think oh I am relaxing.  Almost in a surprise way, like wait – did I forget to worry about that thing.  It is hard to explain, but It is like catching yourself off guard.

“forgetting to worry”

So then you quickly snap back, oh right, THAT’s what I am supposed to worry about…and then again, find yourself unplugged not worried, and self reminder.

How interesting this internal watch is.  Watching me, saying – hey you, remember you’re supposed to be DOING something.  Like a mother voice telling a child…don’t forget to pick up after yourself – while the child is immersed in play.  Yes, a lot like that.  Except, the child likely doesn’t think much of it at a tender age, but as an adult – we can be snapped out of the pleasant experience we are having.

Yes, the anxiety voice, and the mother voice, aims to do that.  It is the enemy of quiet.  It is the enemy of “NOT-doing”

This voice reminds you who you “are” – the woman who constantly thinks about something day in and day out.  Reminds you that is “you” and your “duty.” Reminds you to not get side tracked and step away from this mental grip.

How interesting, that they say with practice, that this voice can become distant.  That relaxing becomes easier, just as something such as say running.  That to commit to an activity, even one of NON-doing takes practice.  After all, like you say, it is rewiring of the neuropathways.

So how interesting, that your whole life you want those moments.  Of serenity, of time.  Of solace, and self care.  Yet, they aren’t exactly what they seem from the outside.  They aren’t perfectly still and quiet.  But hopefully with time, and protection, these moments will separate from the voices, and become their own.

Dear Anita,

Interesting timing.  The job requires me to exert a lot of effort on behalf of the practice, managing, directing, marketing etc.

As much as I feel I have the skills for it, i notice that my inclination is to utilize those skills more for a personal endeavor.  For so long I have wanted to start a wellness center, to treat patients from the inside to out.  Utilize my understanding of the mind and body.  With my current job I have the ability to seek such endeavors during down time.  And I do hope to in time.

It looks like option B is starting to look like an endeavor that will not be a win-win.  I am glad I had the opportunity to explore.

Dear Anita,

Downtown Manhattan! How fun! Must have been an interesting time.  NYC it is.  Look forward to planning in the future.

I started a new job in NYC 2 weeks ago, as you know.

Interestingly, there is a new opportunity in the area (near my apartment in fact) that would involve some leadership, and directorship.  Although I am young in my career, they are considering me as a strong candidate – which is pretty incredible.  I interviewed with some of the senior physicians this week.

It hasn’t progressed to the point that I am “choosing” between jobs – Yet a lot comes to mind.

Option A, current job, has better hours, and no “work to bring home.” I go to work, I come home.  I can attend to things in my personal life without thought about the job – when I get home.

Option B, is a leadership position, so as a result, you are quite involved with the practice and the department.  I will be involved with work after hours, whether its management of individuals, or larger aspects.  Option B is a stepping stone for career advancement perhaps.

two similar but different options, and different packages too, as a result – to a point.

I do wonder how all of this will play out.  I am grateful to have such opportunities.  I do know the universe knows I have talents and abilities to engage with people in ways that are unique, and thus, I am well suited for the leadership aspect of a position.

Dear Anita,

My husband is glad to hear that you (and your husband) would like to meet us later in the year.  It is delightful.

How is your leg? Did you get some rest? Are you able to do some activities that help it, such as stretching, heat, ice?

Do you want to know something funny, N texted me yesterday – I could feel the urgency in her text, but covered up as caring and fun.  Wanting to make plans with me because she was available and close by, and wanting me to meet her “glorious” bf so I can see how happy she is. to show him how she is so popular.

Persistent, and direct – even when I told her this week was not good for me. Yup, that’s N.

And this is what’s funny – I looked at the text, and simply put my phone away.  I didn’t remember it until this morning. That’s it. And that’s how it goes doesn’t it Anita.  Once we process the reason why things irk us – they can slowly float away, not having as much of a grip on us.  Others only have power over us when we let them.  Often when we are confused and misunderstanding of our own root.  When we conquer the fear and confusion in our OWN selves, we can see the clarity of others – and we observe it – we don’t jump into it. We sit back…

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Oh I would love that! That brings tears to my eyes. And I will look up this restaurant! Oh Anita how lucky I am to have “met” you!

Dear Anita,

Thank you for this thoughtful post.  This really sticks out in my mind:

You were determined, from a very early age, naturally, to be Good

Yes, extremely determined from a young age, to the next age, to this age.  extremely goal oriented, extemely driven. – all seemingly good qualities, but in this sector – inability to let go and sit back.  even when it comes to the above- seeking out behavior that doesn’t feel innately okay – i am still determined.  because from a young age Cali Chica had to be “good.”

you know what Anita, it does feel like everyone is the enemy sometimes – because as the mother voice said – everyone disappointing us.  people are selfish and self serving.

yes, to a point many are – but others are simply self directed.  inner oriented, unlike me.  it is not an offense to me – for I am the one with the pathology – I am the one who lacks the ability to look HERE – always seeking THERE.

By keeping an eye on them, I am fulfilling my duty. but yet there is this other aspect of addiction.  addiction to over THERE. no matter what THERE is.  for, if it isn’t here, it MUST be sought out.  to not seek it, is not doing my JOB. and that is not GOOD.

Dear Anita,

It is true, all in vain, but moreover – even before that aspect of grieving it – I am here. stuck.

i do not know how to “not attend” to others and prioritize my husband and I first – CONSISTENTLY with it feeling natural, guilt-free and shame-free.

perhaps that is my greatest distress.  the ability for this to be “my way” not an ongoing struggle.

like someone who LOVES sweets and consistently attempts a dessert-free diet.  constant painstaking battle..

i know the root, the deep feeling of shame and guilt if I don’t do such.  i know the source, the mother voice from a young age.  I also know that my mother made it a huge deal to throw yourself and family away for focus on others, and commended my ability to have so many friends and an active social life.  i know this furthermore ingrained the superhuman cali chica role, the social butterfly, not necessarily pushover – but the great balancer.

but it is not balancing, when it is pushing myself, and now husband aside, for others – ESPECIALLY others who are not worthly of such attention…

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.