Dear Anita,

Good morning. I re- read our posts yesterday and wanted to comment on the aspects I skipped over in my frenzy. Yes, it is like being medium okay for most of the month, and worsened terribly a week before that cycle. A pattern I have noticed now for a few months. However, I do by no means believe the other part of the month is perfectly fine and free of the symptoms.

I started the medication again last night. I got the old RX refilled. No I have not found a psychiatrist here yet. Why? Because I do believe that over 99 percent of them are not going to be adequate, or simply aren’t as caring as they let off. It might sound negative. But it’s true. Especially as a physician with a knowledge of psychiatry given a lot of my own field overlaps with this – I have seen countless psychiatry doctors push pills one after another without ever listening to the person. Yes, over time I do believe I can find a good doc. In the meantime I am doing a retrial of the lexapro. If in about a mo th I don’t see anything changed I can increase the dosage. Hopefully by then I have found a doctor I like. As I can not be in charge of the medications only on my own. I know that Zoloft (which you took) has been effective for many with this, and some of my friends. Perhaps that could be a trial down the line. We shall see. It feels good that there are options – but that of course lends itself to having patience and an open mind.

I do have that – because at this point what else is there? I can try my hrdest but it does feel like so much is “out of control” especially on this particularly bad days. It does feel like I can’t control the thoughts, anger, or outbursts.

I was doing well there for a while Anita. And as a result our marriage was healing. Well now with my anger and outbursts I have created new wounds. I have been irrational unappreciative and having angry outbursts at my husband. Sure I can track “why” as it coincides with the physiology that is the wonderful women’s cycle often. But then what? Can I control it even 50 percent knowing that. No I can not. It feels uncontrollable.

So let’s see over the next few months – let’s see if and what medication can assist me. Because like you said so well, if I am like this I can not heal. It feels that I am on a healing path but keep cutting my leg so t bleeds all over. So I pause and wipe it all up and have to attend to this new wound. Then a week or so goes by and I’m healing from this and now another, I cut my arm and now attend to it – etc. same cycle. As you can see a vicious cycle. With no net movement forward.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I also forgot to note that this is so key, and thank you for stating it so well – this statement has given me a sense of a “sigh” that yes it makes total sense…

but a relief is what you desperately need and without that relief you may not be able to continue the healing process.

Dear Anita,

Yes it is the gooey stuff.  I don’t have such a large “ego” or lack of true understanding of mental health to believe I am so powerful that I can “always” over come this all on my own.  I know I am only human.  I also know that modern medications exist for a reason, for treatment.  And that we have come a far way in psychiatry – although of course nothing is perfect.  Mental health is exceptionally difficult to treat as it is so multifactorial (what an understatment for you and I)

I will likely do a trial of an SSRI, as other medications that are short term, to simply treat episodes are momentary – like an advil or a glass of wine.  SSRI (antidepressants) do “treat” or so is the logic behind making the drug – the “baseline imbalance or disorder.”

Dear Anita,

Yes, I feel sad too.  No, unfortunately I mean a psychiatrist.

Dear Anita,

Gooey stuff, so true – sticky, adhesive, clinging to every thought and moment.  It is nice to see clarity in between, ah ha moments where we find that we can break free of this.

A great thing I am noticing these days is that the “goo” is not really “me.” I used to have trouble differentiating this, even up to a few months ago.  Feeling that it was all one and the same.  There is no differentiation between myself and the mother voice in that life.

Now I know that in fact, the mother voice is a parasite that infects me – and that over time the virus can continue to shed, but I will either become immune to it, or perhaps be able to kill it off slowly but surely.

Dear Anita,

I hope your leg feels like it is “going in the right direction.”

I realize I started speaking to you about my anxieties related to developing a business – but not necessarily bring up background.  There are many key elements of thought that were enforced in me as a child based on things my parents said, and things I saw – that factors into such feeling.

Many of this is related to the idea that “we aren’t lucky” like others.  Others (whether deserving or NOT) seem to get lucky and get the “good outcomes” yet, we aren’t so lucky.  This also I suppose ties in with the aspect of good is over “there” not here.  By definition.

Another aspect is seeing my father, a smart intelligent man, many times getting the “short hand of the stick” and the sentiment arose that no matter how smart and talented you are, others may get ahead – and we don’t.  perhaps because we aren’t lucky, perhaps we don’t have the “grit” and ruthless way of those who are business savvy.

this brings me to the next point.  There seems to be an ingrained sentiment of “good honest” people like myself don’t get ahead in the business world – but cunning ruthless do.  And this feels like a “shame” as it is not the best doctors/people who end up making their mark/finding success (whether it is financially, professionally, recognition, whatever it may be)

Dear Anita,

so true!!

but here is something.  i HAVE seen with my own eyes, people building “wellness centers” or the likes – with no medical background or interest in people’s betterment.  just great at business ventures.

when i see that i feel sad that someone who actually cares and has the authentic training and background is NOT doing this, and also angry / frustrated that such people “get away” with it…

makes sense…?

Dear Anita,

These sound wonderful, so much so that i can visualize it, and myself with a radiant smile.  i see it! i do!

But what about the thoughts, and the anxiety? What about the fact that it feels “others” “get away” with achieving these goals, but someone who “should” will not..

oh sounds familiar doesn’t it..