Dear Anita,

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Great point about our memories deactivating and basic logic.  Oh how many times I have felt this way – and to think the next day, how did I, who has this knowledge and awareness get tricked!

How is your Friday going?

Dear Anita,

Happy Friday.  It has been a productive week – we have come to great understanding for me.

Last Friday I was truly suffering, plus combined with the bossy lady – it was terrible.  Funny how only 7 days passed and it is so different.  I know days like last Friday will arise again, and flow away, and ebb and flow.

Today the bossy lady is acting exceptionally perky and nice – as they do – but I am seasoned now and knowledgeable of her ways.  I know how to stand up for myself, and most importantly, I will not be caught off guard – I saw her true colors – I know who I am working with.  Perhaps the first blow is when we expect someone to be kind and good, and they are not  Yet, when we see this and accept this – perhaps we are able to better process and deal.   Who knows.

I had a pleasant evening with my husband.  It felt like normal.  It was normal

Dear Anita,

I am curious.  How many years have you been married?

Dear Anita,

I thought about this fear, that we all have it, and of course we do – why wouldn’t we.  From being worried about getting pushed on the subway, worried about being late for work, worried about our health, worried about our loved ones, worried about dying – worry – fear.  I am not the only one.  You are not the only one.  It is the human condition.

I thought about the difference between small steps and leaps and bounds.

When I first spoke to you, I did not have a direction, well in fact, I did not know you – you were kind enough to reply, and then continuously, and here we are.  Since then, there have been advancements, goals, and large changes.

Sometimes with large changes we continue to think BIG, life, large.

However, I see now that it is in the details.  The goal that I would like to attain now, need to attain, is no harm.  To bring back that softness, to relinquish some anger.  This is in the small things.  So as you said for the next month, the goal is not to help, but to do no harm.  I will attend to that by honoring the small steps, undertanding the daily changes, and understanding that the human condition is also based out of habit and patterns, and to change those, it takes the smallest steps.

So yesterday, I came home from yoga, an intense class, came home, dehydrated, sweaty, starving.  A great recipe for potential disaster.  My husband was in the living room fixing something. Instantly My guilt radar goes off (wow he came home from work and went right to doing some more work, whereas I enjoyed myself) my guilt radar said CaliChica (CC) should help.

Not because I really SHOULD, but it was guilt and anxiety talking.

But I checked in with myself, am I trying to help?

yes.

Then abort.

And in fact, I couldn’t really help he was doing a small task. And did I actually WANT to help? NO – I wanted to take a shower!

So I did, I took a nice cooling shower, refreshed myself, went to the kitchen, ate a small snack (although dinner was close) to ensure I wasn’t ravenous and moody.  Sat down and was ready to approach my evening.  My husband and I talked about work and went on a walk (finally over 10 degrees here) and had a pleasant normal evening.

So aborting this “need to help” by NOT sacrificing a basic thing I needed, food and shower – is key.  It is helping no none, it is just an anxious urge to do something to “help” out of guilt. And Do not jump to tasks when you are not replenished.

And for now, do not jump to any tasks you don’t truly need to do – first and foremost do no harm.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I think this is perfect.  Just as perfect as when you explained my sister is #2, what happened then? I immediately absorbed it and made a change.  Just like that.  Life changing.  When you know – you know. (with your help of course). This feels the same.

Outside of your work with patients, when you feel the need to help (your sister or anyone else), ask yourself: am I trying to help? If the answer is yes, abort.

this is key, especially because all of my energy MUST be to do no harm, so helping in any way distracts.  it distracts, takes away, and is detrimental to the one goal.

You are right – I get confused by my need to help.  I do.  I will give myself daily reminders.

What shall it say….do no harm, are you going out of your way to help? yes, then abort.  Do no harm.  Simple.

Dear Anita,

Do no harm, the first mantra of being a doctor.  It is the oath we take. How fitting. How quickly this gets clouded with peoples idea of what is “good” some of which is really good and some of which is ego driven.

Such as the “good” I thought I was doing for my sister, some of which felt like responsibility, some of which was not helpful at all, and some of which was plain harmful (for more than one party)

So do no harm.

And most importantly, do no harm to the good man you are living with, focus on that and that alone. Don’t try to do much good. Focus on not doing harm to him.

Don’t try to do too much good. Just focus on doing no harm.

Yes, simple.. Useful

Oh and as a side note I wanted to share,  I connected with a very good GYN, I told her my mood symptoms related to my cycle, and luckily she has had history in treating this.  She mentioned that she has seen good results with patients taking SSRIS during that week before the cycle (The hell week) with good results.  IF for the other 20 or so odd days the person is relatively “okay.”

I am going to try this approach. First of all, to see if truly it is only that time of the month I feel this way, and if it helps.  And also to assess how I am the rest of the month, if the necessity is there to medicate then or only when needed.

Dear Anita,

Good morning.  I thought all evening about what you wrote.  About believing I am a good person.  I thought about it on the way to the subway, I pondered it.

Today on the subway I helped save someone’s life.  It was instant, and innate – and I was able to help her.  It is something I am trained to do.

Afterwards, after shaking off the adrenaline.  I thought to myself – and it was clear.  I do believe I am a good person (not because of the medical incident) but I do believe I have a truly good heart.  What has happened though is that I do not see clarity of this as I am too focused on the “bad” around me, and the poisoning that my trauma has led to.

By poisoning I mean that, I feel it is akin to this analogy:

A sweet puppy and the dog park that is quite friendly and playful, but approach him the wrong way – and bam – he goes for the throat.

The owner then says: oh he’s from the shelter, he has a lot of trauma.  Or oh, he’s had some bad experiences he’s easily riled up. Or oh he’s quick to pounce because he’s used to having to protect himself.

I feel like this is sort of me…

so back to the question, I do believe I am a good person DEEP down inside, if I look deep, if I access it – but this is overshadowed – it is overshadowed by the “badness” of the world and those around me, and overshadowed by my poisoning/hardening