Dear Anita,

Self focused it is.

I did have a self focused weekend.  I did notice a lot.  I noticed that although self focused, the mother voice of course is present, perhaps not always, but is there lingering in the background – omnipresent in some form in that way.

I noticed that there is the “new” Cali Chica way of thinking, that is not forced, but often coming from a place of calm – but there is also the devil on the other shoulder, questioning or mocking it.  Perhaps the “angel” and the “devil” on the shoulders such as they show in cartoons or TV – we can call it that for conversation sake.

Here’s an example:

1 -My mother in law asks, what are you doing for the super bowl:

Angel: oh we are invited to a party, but will likely stay home to relax, as we have an early morning Monday

Devil: oh how sad, sitting at home, I saw so many people in the lobby getting dressed to go out to parties, look how fun

2 – my friend on the phone mentions her plans for Super bowl:

angel: oh that sounds so fun, I think we are going to lay low this year

devil: oh, that sounds fun, how social.  it sounds lonely to do nothing, and lame, let me make sure my friend knows we have options to do something fun too.

I observed this.  The angel response was not contrived, it was innate and natural.  It was real.  But when devil reared his head, I did feel this feeling rise in me – the feeling to overcompensate, to explain, perhaps a feeling of guilt or shame?

interesting – I am glad I observed.

Dear Anita,

When selfless you get angry and want to retaliate by being selfish.

yes! it is going from one extreme to another, being ravenous and then over eating as a result – now uncomfortably overstuffed.  all or nothing, neither feeling/state is healthy or useful/good.

I prefer the term self-focused.  and thank you for using the term sensibly.  I like the term of sensibility, it makes SENSE.  That is just it, coming from a place that makes SENSE.  We have an innate guidance of common sense most of the time, we just over look it.

I used to get caught up in others that are selfish, oh it doesn’t seem stupid for them on the long term, they seem to get away with it.  It doesn’t matter.  For ME and most of us, being selfish or selfless is stupid! AS you say.

To be authentic is to be sensible.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

How was your walk yesterday.  Happy friday.  I had a very good pleasant and calm week.  I felt very inward oriented.  I felt that I checked in with myself about what I was feeling, what I needed, what I truly felt in the situation.  There is always time for this, although at times it feels like it would be unnecessary or a damper.  There is always time for checking in with yourself, only good can come from knowing yourself first before you even attempt to tackle your surroundings.

Dear Anita,

You are right.  I do need to create a scenario, and practice – here with you.  I will think about this now and through the weekend.  As at this time, I do not have the correct mindset to approach it.

Speaking of, I know now that some days our mindset allows us to approach certain topics/situations, and sometimes not.  If we are able to – and we can – we should protect ourselves and approach accordingly – to create less distress.

So today – thinking about my sister feels foreign, I will approach it when my mind is ready.

Today is a very cold day here, perhaps the coldest of the year.  Interesting as I have always dreaded winter and these cold days, as of course when you are already feeling low, the cold does not help.  I look back at feeling worse during the winter often, and thriving in the sun.  I look back and felt that the winter was to blame often.

I see that sure the winter may exacerbate feeling down or low, for just about anyone – but surely it is not to blame.

It always felt external all of it Anita.  I feel this way, because of this person, this situation, what they DID to me, what this made me feel like, because of the weather, because of many things.

But like my post yesterday, It is news to me that I actually do have control over myself and approach to life.  What a concept!

It is interesting, taking N out of my life – I ended up actually having to block her by the way, as she was shameless in her texting and “fake” interest in my life in random spurt when convenient to her – and just the sight of her meaningless flakey messages added toxicity I did not need.

So taking someone like this out of my life, not someone instrumental in it, but someone there in my life for many years in some form – even not a large form – creates space.

I feel a small amount – 1 percent – increase of space.  I am appreciative of this one percent increase of space.  I am glad that it serves as a reminder.  When we remove toxicity, space returns in a different form.

It returns, and we may not be aware of it – but even without our consent, energy and space come and go.  They slip away when we don’t have strong boundaries, and they return when our boundaries remain intact.

Dear Anita,

I think mood is interesting.  We spoke a few weeks ago when I was suffering, about the use of medications, to help ease suffering so we can heal.  It is interesting, as so often we need this help, whether it be from a medication, person, or other treatment – to get us to a place that we are able to focus on healing again.

At the end of the day, it shows me, that as long as we are working on healing – we are going in the right direction.

That is quite refreshing.  For some it may only be medicated, for some entirely unmedicated, for many it depends on the phase.  For some it may be esoteric, removing all toxins, caffeine, alcohol, etc.  For others, it may be a life that supports different habits as well as healing.

I am learning to open my mind to what healing looks like Anita.

It does not have one face.  It has many faces, and those faces depend on the day and phase.  Such as the moon – different faces, based on so many variables – all of which are beautiful.

I think I have held onto for a very long time what right and wrong is – well of course, as mother voice has taught me good and bad right and wrong.

And more so – recently, the idea that healing is a certain way.  It is when your life looks a certain way, and MOST importantly – when I FEEL a certain way.

this would describe a destination, or an idea, or a goal.  this does not describe healing.  Healing is the process.  Healing has many faces.

2 weeks ago when I was truly suffering – well that – that’s healing too

6 weeks ago when I was on a beautiful beach feeling serene – that’s healing too

1 week ago when I had a nice glass of wine, and enjoyed a TV show – that’s healing too

A few days ago when I crept into bed early and let my thoughts wash over me – that’s healing too

Today when I did a hot power yoga class, and was able to enjoy it – that is not just healing, that is progress

And today, as I write this, it is healing, and progress

Dear Anita,

SCC – i like that.

I guess I never thought about it as that she never gave me permission early in life.  As I always felt I never gave myself permission.  Early in life I found myself pushing myself more than she pushed me.  But here’s the thing, theres the whole aspect of her trying to live vicariously through me.  Feeling that her life was so bad, and so her daughters should seek all and live the life she never could.

Then later in life, yes. She NEVER gave me the permission.  Nope, I had to fix all- most importantly her! My role in this universe was to fix her.  I was placed her to bring joy to her, and take away suffering.

Dear Anita,

How is your foot feeling? Is it okay, I hope you are not feeling too much stiffness.

Yesterday, during a slow yoga class, restorative, one in which you have time to your thoughts – I came across something.  For the first time in my life, I had this thought bounce into my mind – that I have control over my life.

It sounds strange.  Of course I have control over it, who else would? I controlled in many ways my trajectory into career by applying myself.  I chose who to marry, I chose many things.  Many of us do.

Yet, when this small thought appeared in my mind – it felt new.  I know exactly why now.

I have always felt as though I have no control over many things.  I am just a person that gets messy easily, not dirty, but disorganized.  My closet can go from perfect to a hurricane in a minute.  i find myself easily with papers everywhere.  Everything is always very clean and sanitary, but not always organized or in the right place.  This is something that I have always in a way accepted about myself, even though it can be a barrier to feeling calm and structured.

Another one, I feel like I can never just do one thing at once, there are always so many things to do.  How do people focus on one task at a time – how do they have the time!

This does go hand in hand with the disorganized comment. So yesterday I came home from yoga, and my friend S was calling.  A nice sweet loyal friend from college.  S is quite reliable and calls and checks in regularly, we both do.

Naturally the phone rings, and I go to pick it up.  I do not check in with myself first.  Nope, instant knee jerk to attend to this call, attend to this person.  Although in all reality it was her calling leisurely.  But naturally I am primed, to drop everything and pick up, and then resume my activities while multi tasking.

Yesterday I didn’t.  When she was calling I was in the middle of organizing my closet.  A dreaded task for me.  By picking up the phone I would be able to distract myself from this annoying task, and talk while performing it.  Then I would be done, and feel both, unrested, and also equally unorganized.  This would continue, and years later.  I would find, that

1 – I never allowed myself to focus on any given task at hand. Why – because I did not protect this time for myself

2 – I may be less organized than say another, but the true reality is, my mind is always on something or someone else.  Like knee jerk picking up the phone to talk to someone, out of habit – and not giving yourself or your task the undivided attention it needs.  The closet does not clean itself.  The next morning it will continue to cause you stress.

So why?

Well my mother consistently throughout my life needed me to give her my full attention, and towards the end it was so intrusive it was – drop everything and run to her.  This habit still runs deep.

guilt.  guilt runs deep.  the feeling that CC can do it all, so she should. that she is not deserving of doing just one thing at a time.  why should she? if she can do 12 things at once, just doing one at a time seems a waste – seems unnatural.  guilt that if she doesn’t pick up the phone, the opposite party will be disappointed.  guilt that she is not the person she has always been if she now begins to focus on herself/husband and own life.

This is a common theme for me I know.

But yesterday, looping back.  I realized that I control this.  I can control whether this closet stays disorganized, or becomes organized.  If you give yourself one hour, and do it and put your mind to it – its nothing! But if you give yourself one hour, and half do it, and focus your energy on the phone call with S – you aren’t helping yourself or your closet out.  And S is fine either way, if I don’t pick up – I would another time.  At the end of the day, it is my own guilt.  But I see now how I can control how I felt yesterday.  How my evening went, how my closet looked.   How CC doesn’t always think about others because shes defective, its that she always picks up the phone -figuratively.

So OF COURSE my focus is not from within.  put down the phone. and pick up yourself.