Dear Anita

Good morning. Happy Sunday morning. I love this time, it is usually myself- awake before anyone. Whether it is now as a married woman or younger as a child, or in college or high school etc. I would be up and productive and enjoying some alone time on Sunday. Did I know this back then. Did I observe this similarly. No. I did not perhaps even enjoy this quiet time before the world was awake – Perhaps or even likely felt fearful and pushed myself into a task to not face that amount of solitude. Being awake and sitting with myself and taking it in. Versus jumping into tasks and not checking in with me.

I bring this up because it goes exactly with our recent conversation.  After reading your Last post I thought a lot about how much truly a person has to be trained, self-disciplines, aware, wise, and so many other characteristics to be able to sit with distress and pain without passing it on to others. It did occur to me that there are some people who are so “notable” or seemingly leaders, or well accomplished, etc., yet they have not mastered the skill at all, and never will. Some of which could be that they have gotten away their whole life on mis-treating others and projecting their insecurities or distress.  Also Another of which could be that there is really no space for this in many peoples lives, these sort of conversations just never come up, people come and go and just act how they please without ever stopping and thinking how do I really seem, how do I come off to others, am I being my best self? I could name a handful of people in my own life that have likely never had this conversation for even 1/10 of a second. That’s okay. Let them live their own life. My focus is inward on mine.

I used to think that I of all people would be the worst at sitting with discomfort. The reason being, like I have noted on earlier, I always surrounded myself with others, I was immediately on the phone to discuss something that was going on, I didn’t seek solitude, I always felt that if I had some time why not spend it with others— time is better shared. Experiences are better shared.

This goes back to what we discussed this week about filling things to the max, filling time to the max, feeling suitcases to the max. It also goes back to the conversation about the angel versus devil.  Without distinct memory, I can recall overall times during which I would wake up feeling quite fatigued, and wanting to instantly cancel the plan that was pending. But of course SCC never did. Fearful that of course if I did that, what would I do? Spend that hour alone? And also not wanting to disappoint the other.  Of course this fear was not blatant, I did not actually sit there and feel that overwhelmingly lonely or guilty, but it was habit to be social, and it was not habit to sit with myself. Nope it was not habit to sit with myself, this habit is only being developed now, in this current time.

And that is OK because it is a beautiful thing to watch develop. Sitting with ones self. It is not lonely. It is alone. And alone can be beautiful.

I saw A quote on the tiny Buddha website today, I do like to read these. I do not believe that all quotes are as ground shaking as the internet and social media tries to make them be, as we can relate to most of them on some level, but in order to truly understand that we all have a different view – and that is fine. In fact that is what makes them interesting because if you go around a table everyone has a different interpretation.

This is it  “People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.” ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I read this a few times, the first time I read it quite literally, it made sense, of course people sparkle and shine when there is good in life, and of course when there is not good in their life 1their true self will come out. That your true friends are revealed when you are not in the best place, who sticks around. And character shines through when we are faced with tragedy.

I have read a lot about this, many of us have, and seen it in her own life. But when I read this quote again and again I thought about how it has so much to do with my holding on to people, or holding onto versions of people. Versions.

I realize of course that with my mother it is a whole other story, holding onto a parent or making excuses for a parent is innate and primal, children want to think the best about their own parent. But I will talk about this overall, not just pertaining to my mother. So when it came to my mother, I wanted to only see the version of her when the sun was shining out, but when darkness came through her true character or according to the quote “true beauty” did show itself  time an again. Surprisingly it may seem that it was unpredictable, it would seem that it was out of character. But if you look back, this WAS her character. All of the times during the sun being out was not a profound reflection of her soul and heart and intentions. That was the easy times -those were the good times. And no, not everyone acts so terribly when they are faced with something that is difficult. No not everyone crumbles in the face of darkness. And this is what I have learned, people have choices, and not everyone turns into a monster. And therefore, we cannot excuse the monster. If true beauty really does show itself in times of darkness, then watch it, and observe it. If it happens time and again, that is the “beauty” of that person. I have made a lot of excuses for peopleBased on this principle, seeing them as they are when the sun was out, and using that as a guide to think of them as a person overall. The sunny person let’s say. To a point this is human nature, or a good approach to humanity I shall say -to want to think the best of people. If we only charged a person based on how they reacted in there most terrible situation we not may not be truly fair. For ourselves or others.

BUT When it comes with our conversations, we are not talking about humanity or simple human nature. We are talking about specific situations, we are talking about how my brain or the brain of many people like me is wired in a way that sees things very specifically at times, perhaps not congruent with reality. So if I take this quote to think about other people in my life, not nearly as monumental as my mother, friends like N, and so many others, I think once again similarly. Wanting to see them as they are when the sun was out. But they’re true beauty did show when it was darkness, and once again it was not unpredictable. I can’t really say all these people all acted OUT of character when tough times hit them, because indeed that is their character.  The darkness showed their face. Having a bad fight or screaming at someone may be out of character. But time and time again, acting selfish, self-centered, rude, etc. every time something is not going your way – well that’s not out of character. This begins to define you. This  in fact is the mirror of the other person. look into that mirror and see that person clearly. And then you have your answer.

there’s nothing to be confused about. Just like the mirror for ourselves. There is a mirror we can see others too. No need to make excuses. They are showing their face to you.

Dear Anita,

Yes.  I thought about just because you live in a connected world, a city like nyc, access to so many things and people, in the era of smartphones where you can easily connect with someone at any time – just because there is all that, does not mean that you have to choose it.

Your baseline doesnt have to involve such, it is your choice.

you can live in the middle of chaos – but choose to not jump in.  if you jump in and feel constantly bombarded, note your motive for jumping in.  and remind yourself, you have this choice.

at the end of the day, I don’t have to fill all my space up, to the very max.  I now have that choice, as a result of a better work schedule and most importantly, for creating space in the universe by deleting toxic people from my life.

Dear Anita,

First there is Cali Chica the individual. Second, the one in the team of two, my husband and I.

Excellent!

Cheers to the healthy chapter

Dear Anita,

As to your first post – thank you for delineating it in this way, as it expands my understanding of the situation as well as yours.

Correct on both fronts, mother as well as N.

See, the thing before is that responsibility was always mine. There was not even a thought of – wait she has the ability to make her own choices, decisions, and employ boundaries.  I am not her gatekeeper.  Or her keeper at all.

So now – once I enforce my boundary – in whatever respect to an outside person, it is up to her to deal with that person in the way she chooses.  She surely may experience additional stress as a result of a choice I made -such as torture from my parents when she lived at home, trying to get info about me – but at the end of the day, I am NOT responsible for the poor treatment of her by OTHERS.  That is NOT something I can prevent or change.

Therefore,

Yes, if she does not respect my boundary of not wanting to hear about such people or things, I will have to say – sorry I can communicate with you if you do not bring up such things.  If you must, it is better we have space.

Dear Anita,

What is behind the scenes anyway…?

You are right…prepare. I am ready to prepare.  Let’s go for it.

Scenario 1 – all off the top of my head.

• that girl N – who also knows my sister from all these years and they have texted in the past for my wedding etc
• texts my sister, oh what happened to your sister, haven’t heard from her is she okay
• she tends to do this – as to make it look like she is caring, but just seeking control and validation
• anyway, my sister – as has happened in the past – reaches out and says, N keeps texting me and asking about you, I don’t know what to do.
• to which I become stressed, stressed that N is so persistent, and stressed that it is causing my sister agitation.

Scenario 1 solution:

• I say, calmly – via text back:
• okay, I have decided to no longer communicate with N
• It is your choice how to approach her, she is someone you know through me, I will leave it at your discretion.
  • aka saying, I made my choice, it is no longer my problem.  Just like when my parents harass you, to get info – yes I now this is bothersome, but I don’t have to change my values and decisions because they bother you, nor will I. As an adult YOU choose how to deal with these pests.  You too have the tools.  We all do.

Dear Anita,

Yes some editing indeed! As this is always a stream of consciousness!

Interesting how as you put “interactions with my sister and others” are really what are often the root of distress in me.

It could be exactly as above, a normal day, yet my engulfing myself in someone else – voluntarily – given that they didn’t ask me to – that I lose my energy – it seeps out of those holes.  Left with nothing for myself and my husband.

Clearly trained very well by my mother: give me ALL you have, right now and always.

Dear Anita,

I starved the devil last night.

My sister texted me – just a normal hello.

I was NOT triggered.  I responded WHEN was convenient for ME.

The devil would say, respond immediately given that its my sister – halt and act NOW.

I said nope.

Here’s why.  First of all – because I was in the middle of something, and no social text requires me to drop everything NOW.

Here’s another reason, my husband was at work until 9pm last night, he was having a miserable day at work.  Now, I can’t do anything to make his day better.  But what I can do is preserve my energy.

Energy is not infinite.  It is finite.  We are only human.  Each person and thing that punches holes into our energy sphere, allows it to seep out.  This may be without us even knowing.  But at the end of the day we may be surprised to see we only have 50% remaining.  How? How did this happen.

Scenario: I respond immediately to sister, get super engaged into her life – or anyone for that matter but especially her – and there you have it.  It is 7 pm, I haven’t stopped doing any of my own tasks.  But where is my mind? My mind is not present.  IT is not inward.  Husband arrives home at 9 pm after a 15 hour day, and where is my head? If I let my energy seep out  – throughout the day, when husband comes home – I am depleted or up in my arms – I am Cali Chica from a few weeks ago after yoga. ready to fight, ready to attack.  Depleted and angry – angry for being depleted – and then roar fire out – stay away!

So anyway, protect thyself, so you can be your best self to you, and to others.

Dear Anita,

To add:

Revive the angel:

keep at it, no matter what the devil says.

have faith that the angel is in fact the angel -not the devil in disguise

believe the angel, as the angel is me, it is myself

know that following the devil does not lead to any progress – proof is in the pudding

know that following the angel does lead to progress – the difference I feel in this past year, versus other decades of my life