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Dear Anita,
Hello, how are you Anita? It has been one week since we last spoke, and I have thought about what we have spoken about in the last month – daily.
You wrote:
To choose thoughtfully instead of to automatically or habitually react. To choose, moment by moment, all day and tomorrow. It is exhausting sometimes.
Yes, quite exhausting. In fact, I was thinking about how it takes daily effort.
I think of it like this, a person who has difficulty with weight management, each and every day they have to be mindful about what they eat, if they go too much one way, they feel off balance. If they find themselves in a scenario where this may be difficult (i.e a party or a buffet) they have to have great self control/mindfulness. At times when they don’t it may be okay, but adding up – it leads them back down a vicious cycle.
I feel quite similar. If I make consistent right choices daily (go to yoga instead of engaging in something else, etc) I am able to stay balanced. Yet, life isn’t so straightforward. So now if I am in a scenario where all of this is tested, it is fine, and I may not always choose the option that keeps me centered (such as speak less, listen more – perhaps I go back to my old ways of talking before thinking) – and that is fine too – to a point. And that is it, after a certain point you become off balance (whether it is mentally or weight management or whatever it is) and then you feel you have to re-ground and re-start so to speak.
This can feel exhausting, to feel that a fine balance must be maintained to feel healthy, sane, good in your own skin.
Dear Anita,
No benefit in accommodating her delusions, her distorted thinking
Better stick to correct thinking, that which fits reality
Have your loyalty be to reality, keep your focus on it.
That AZ experience was no benefit to anyone, well except that my mother could gloat “oh my daughters look how supportive they are, look how much they care for one another and their mother.” but quickly – oh you’re leaving so soon. NO benefit to anyone, just distress upon distress. Distress breeding more distress. Dysfunction breeding more dysfunction.
All because of a delusional definition of what SUPPORT and help is. The mother’s distorted definitions.
No use of it. Needing help for rent, but then signing up for now two dogs to roam freely. Where does that time, money, and energy come from? The air? No, sister, it does not.
Best to prepare. How shall I do so. I would like to brainstorm here…
Dear Anita,
When I last posted, my husband and I were discussing exactly that – her energy. The way in which I wrote it, I did not mean to sound that her energy is necessarily toxic and destructive. However, I am glad that my husband and I spoke about it.
So on his end (and mine after seeing what he means and then looking back observing it), and it is tough to explain/articulate – it goes like this:
So imagine if you lived in NYC too, you’re my sister or close friend. You are going to be having dinner near my apartment, so you send me a text and say, hello I’ll be there, if you are around I will come by after – with my dog. I reply okay, we will be home in an hour, and going to be finally going through wedding pictures, but come over when you are done.
Normal – pretty much saying, yes we are home, but busy with a task we are going to do (since she’s family it is of course not awkward for her to be over while we do this, as she was intimately involved in the wedding itself) – my husband and I discuss about her coming over, he is cool and calm about it, and jokes that perhaps she can even help during this “dreaded task.”
She comes over with her dog. Her dog is small and hyper, and so when he and my dog play they have a great time, but it is a ton of ruckus and commotion, running around a 1 bedroom apartment. NO fault to the dogs, I am just objectively mentioning. They also had not seen each other in a while over a month or so, so the pups were happy to meet and play. My sister arrives and sits down, and we chat a little about our days and the dogs etc. We continue to go through the pictures (had started about half an hour prior to her arrival)
The dogs begin to get very loud and tumultuous so I mention that we should put them in the kitchen area with the gate up (small apartment) – she mentions “oh they haven’t seen each other in so long let them play.”
A nice normal benign comment – but when my hsuband and I discussed yesterday, we both talked about how – once again, she is off track from what our goal is (as husband and wife we are sitting down doing an important task) her focus is not “oh i came over but they are doing something important” it is ‘oh let the dogs have fun.”
so I say, yes they’re having fun, but we can’t focus right now, so let’s put them in the kitchen area. So we do.
Then about 20 mins later, once again a ruckus, so I feel perhaps one of them has to go to the bathroom, or something. So I mention it. She says, oh they’re fine.
So again, not noticing, okay my sister and her husband (a team that is older than me, and I am at their house, while they are doing something) – are trying to focus – what can I do to help out? No that is not there.
So like I mentioned before, instead of getting up myself and investigating (yes it is a few steps away) I repeat, “no looks liek they’re getting rowdy, go check make sure all is okay.” So she does, slowly….
That’s the point. If I was at someone’s place, friend, sister, etc – and they (that person and ESPECIALLY if their spouse was there too) were trying to focus on something – I would try my best to make sure my presence and that of my dog and I does not disrupt what they are trying to do. It would be something that I would think of (I like to think) or be aware of. Not this way.
So then lastly, after we go through some more, she begins talking about how her “dog is lonely” and she has already looked up a Thai rescue dog that she thinks she wants to get.
From the outside this sounds slightly absurd. Just moved a month ago, finally settling in I’m sure, starting first adult job, with first adult salary, learning to be financially and otherwise independent. This sounds very much like my mom, lofty convos and thoughts, not necessarily focused on reality or practicality.
Anyway – I cut her off. I don’t mention all the above, I simply said oh interesting, yeah I am not sure – but let’s talk about it another time, we need to get through the rest of these it’s getting late.
So all in all, while I type this, and after discussing with my husband. I notice a trend, her not aware that it isn’t about her, she doesn’t barge in with her dog to have a party – she’s coming over – it should occur to her that when I stated that I wanted to finally do this task – respect it – does that make sense.
So it is true we had a good evening, and it is true that I observed and was mindful, and as you said “excellent” on my end.
But when my husband and I spoke, he also mentioned that her energy is quite “erratic.” He is not like you and I, in that he describes behavior/psychology/etc and speaks in a descriptive way – as it is not his habit. But what he meant is something along the lines of “she tries hard to cover up” that she’s not lonely. She goes on and on about things, even when not the appropriate context. And even when we are in the middle of doing something important, another person may pick up on cues or have awareness -she lacks it. He also in the past has mentioned how I “change” around her and he does not like that.
This is true, and we spoke extensively last month about how I do. And how I go into help mode. And how I also turn into silly young girl jokey Cali Chica almost like an entertainer to her. This I did not do this time around, but of course it is not perfect. He mentioned how he thinks I handled the whole situation well, but he noticed how being around her does affect me. As her presence is not relaxing and calming, or “helpful” its more like she shows up and I have to regulate, and find a way for us to stay on task.
all in all though, I was not “severely” affected by her. Although I did sense some relief when she left. As I said it was late, time to go, evening was fine. More is not better. And phew task complete, and hangout with her successful on my end.
Dear Anita,
thank you!
now none of this is to say this will be a frequent ocurrence. As even in the small time together I notice her energy does affect both myself and husband. Sure I was able to reroute it and recircuit back to task. But this does not mean that it is healthy on a regular basis.
Yet I am glad I was able to have this interaction and successfully be able to observe and interact!
my growth recently has mostly a lot to do with space from my sister. And I will protect this space.
Dear Anita,
To Answer your last question. Yes I did ask him, we discussed it, I even thought about it myself thoroughly and systematically . I thought about whether her presence would disrupt our evening in anyway at all. I also thought about whether her presence would disrupt our important task at hand.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 