Dear Anita,

The balance is about seeing to it that most of our attending to others (social responsibility) does benefits us.

How do you feel we do it so it benefits us? I think I struggle with that – I actually really do

Dear Anita,

We have an inborn need to be good people, to help others, to  cooperate with others for the benefit of all.

Great point, as when I am short, angry, etc with someone, or not my innate empathetic self for a period of time, it is not that I feel guilty, it is that I intrinsically feel wrong and bad.  It simply doesn’t sit right. Now I do not believe all people operate this way, but for my journey and this conversation – that is irrelevant.  What makes CC feel good, what makes her feel authentic?

Brainstorm activity:

The ways that I harm myself:

• over-reaching to others
  • this is harmful to myself because it takes away from what I need in the moment, and simply jumps to what the other person needs
  • it is harmful because it often distracts me from “sitting with myself” and what I am going through, and simply distracting by someone else’s world
  • it is much more important to first process what is in my own head and heart

Dear Anita,

you don’t have to always help yourself, you can relax and focus only on do-no-harm-

not to others and not to yourself.

Would you mind elaborating on : do no harm to myself means (in your opinion)?

Dear Anita,

Last night I did a mediocre job of detaching from involvement and sinking into peace.

It wasn’t perfect, but I did let go of the need to analyze and berate myself for what I could have done better.  That was a start.  This morning when I woke up I literally felt that I was starting a new day – usually I rise feeling gripped to the previous day/night.

The morning “should” be a time to start fresh, new day, new beginning – but I haven’t felt that in a long time.

Today I felt a glimpse of that, and it felt nice.  It felt that today CC can seize the day in the way she desires, to do or not to do.  Yesterday is not an indication of how I need to feel, or what I need to do today.

Dear Anita,

Good morning.

The date I would like is February 13

This is the last day I spoke to my parents, my mother in fact.  The last thing she said to me on the phone (screaming in agony not speaking) was the following:

We should have had an abortion with you

That wasn’t the tipping point or the hurtful last punch, it was just a sign that enough was enough.  There is no helping the crazy, there is no usefulness in absorbing the crazy, and when enmeshed in crazy – you too are crazy.

One year later, February 13 (now) I have not spoken to them.  My biggest hurdle since then has NOT been how to keep no-contact.  It has been a variety of healing paths including, juggling the relationship with my sister, but most importantly my relationship with my husband.  It is through time and the help of you, that I am opening my eyes to the immense gift my husband is, a loving supportive partner.  I had been blind to this, and not just blind but an attacker.

Which brings us to our current topic.  You are no longer an attacker, when you no longer attack.

Of course.  How could it be any other way.  Would I call my dog a sweet docile dog if he attacked weekly at the park? What about monthly? In this case I would still worry in the back of my mind.  What about once every few months, well the worry would be buried in the back, but may come up from time to time.

I would only call him a sweet docile dog if  I NO longer see him attacking.  Of course.

I love your idea, to mark the calendar.  And this time next year, on February 13 I will celebrate being a non-attacker.

I do hope that I continue to have insight, foresight, and hindsight.

I know one thing is true – the most helpful advice I have gotten recently is the following:

do not help/simply do no harm.

This has been instrumental.  My innate need to jump and help is a frenzied state, it is not a calm way, and it does not prioritize myself nor my husband.  Often it helps no one, it is just a reflex based in fear/anxiety.  Instead, when I do no harm, and often this means do nothing at all – I can think and act from a place of calm.

Do not seek – do no harm. 

Dear Anita,

We earn our self forgiveness – wow what a concept

But only when we are on that other side right – I mean just a month ago I still attacked (after that yoga incident)

I am still not all there where I can call myself a “non-attacker” but I am working on it, I truly hope I am

And I think daily about what you said:

in order to truly heal, I must believe I am a good person.

I think I do, but not 100 percent, not just yet…

Dear Anita,

Yes, but that doesn’t diminish at all the grueling nature of such a task – the task to recover.

My last patient, we had some difficulty with blood work.  I said to him before the procedure, I am sorry you had to go through that.  He states:

Well, everything you are doing here is to help me, right?

I said, yes, right…

He replies: well then why would I be nothing but cooperative, you are doing your best to help me…

So simple, but incredible – something we never hear – perhaps in the medical world, or even the real world anymore.

It is exactly right – if someone is trying there absolute best, why should we be uncooperative and attempt to put them down – how senseless!

Yet it happens every single day

Dear Anita,

No problem. your insight has helped me tremendously, and others I have no doubt.  Distress and poor experiences often feel futile, what a waste to suffer! But – if your experiences can help change the life of someone else – then wow, isn’t that something..