Dear Anita,

Also I would like to celebrate Cali Chica NC/NA today – one month!.

According to our conversations, I feel that this is a one month celebration of not acting aggressively towards my husband, thinking before I speak, seeing him as my partner, whom I love and trust – and don’t attack.  No Attack.  that is NA.

Attacks come in many forms, subtle aggressions, sometimes attacks come from not doing – but not doing.  Not doing what matters, appreciating, loving, and taking efforts to remain calm.

Dear Anita,

No problem, always glad to offer my professional opinion, to the best of my ability from afar of course.

Thank you for explaining the next part in such great detail.  I am going to allow it to sink and savor, and return to comment 🙂

The I-part is fighting for independence, fighting to kick the Mother part out. 

Dear Anita,

How is your leg? I hope by this time it is almost entirely healed, however pain in tendons and ligaments can linger over months -small twinges when you move your leg a certain way, are you experiencing this?

I wanted to comment on the following:

we answer her and defend ourselves against her and try to protect and assert ourselves against her.

This appears to me that a lot of “being in my head” is in fact having a conversation with my mother, the devil on the left shoulder, trying to appease her or shoo her away.  Trying to reason with her and say nope, your views are no longer my priority, nor are they congruent with reality.  Saying, intuitively what you are saying doesn’t appear right to me, and  I am working on not getting bogged down by you.

In fact I notice this even when I am not in my “own head.” There are certain individuals I am around, who love to hear their ownselves speak.  Going on and on about their own lives, how stressed they are, how great this is, blah blah, on and on.  No awareness how they come off to others.  NYC is full of these types, the world is full of these types.  They can be compelling, luring us into conversations we don’t have interest in, commenting on topics we are not interested in.  Stroking their ego, or entertaining them.

I notice that just like the mother voice, it is natural when someone is “speaking” to me – that I have to be alert and give them my FULL UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. But this is false, Anita.

It is my CHOICE if I want to give them my attention in this way, it is not a must.  It is not my role or duty.  Often protecting my spirit involves not engaging.  Actually, it usually does. Preserve my energy, not engage constantly.  My full undivided attention can be reserved to myself.

Dear Anita,

Its been a long time since we last spoke.  There has been a few occurrences since then – first of which, my friend from medical school passed away.  It was tragic and sudden, and a true shame.  I feel for his young wife and son. Without going into too much detail about the death etc,  I do want to write – now – what I observed of my own self.

I notice, that about 2 years ago, I mentioned to you that it was hard for me to feel true emotion.  At this time we did talk about joy.  I think about joy a lot, and it is in my opinion, that joy and such true positive feelings are the hardest to conquer – after being numb.

Yet, “feeling” takes time and it is in a stepwise fashion.  I truly did feel for my friend, and his wife.  Of course grieving in this form is quite different than your everyday emotions.  But, what I noticed is that my feelings were not clouded.  I was able to be present – sad, disturbed, angry.  I noticed how if my mother was in the picture, the whole story would go another direction – how terrible she would say, how sad for him, look at all these evil people running around everywhere just fine, and poor him.  so and so did this and that daily and still alive, look at this persons bad luck.

the entire thing would be about OTHERS. And I notice – that when we are so so caught up in OTHERS we never process what is going on in our own self and own lives.  It is asking – what is TRULY happening to ME. no, not to her or her, or him, but to ME.

I will make it a point to ask myself this more often—hopefully regularly.

Dear Anita,

He has always ALWAYS treated me like a prize, perhaps its time I do the same…

Dear Anita,

Yes, i better choose. The choice is mine.

It may not feel that way often, because we get swayed and directed by the exterior.  Pulled in so many directions.  We often lose sight that we are in fact in control.

In fact this happened to me yesterday. My husband and I came home from yoga (he came with me which was nice).  I instantly felt that I needed to tend to many matters (all of which were social).  In robot mode I couldn’t “see” the difference between a “need to do” that was voluntary versus involuntary.

For a moment there it felt that I was burdened with so many tasks – as thought they were not a choice.  But if  I took a second, all of these “tasks” were voluntary, non urgent, non-priority situations, (such as planning the trip to visit my friends baby, making the reservation to meet my cousin, etc).

I have gotten so used to stress and drama, that if I do not take a fine look at what is going on – I can easily form any situation into such.

Whether it be rushing to work, or rushing to a social gathering – the feeling can be the same.

That’s when you know there is a problem.  When there is difficulty differentiating  – when it becomes tough to see when I have a choice in the matter.

Am I CHOOSING to be stressed right now? Am I?

Dear Anita,

I thought a lot about this weekend, what we spoke about. When we harm others, we also harm ourselves.

This is new to me, this way of thinking.

I was conditioned to think about how others acted and treated each other.  Often, when others were shameless and rude, it would make me angry and think – well gosh how do they get away with that and sleep at night! or feel slighted, feeling that even if I do good, these “evil” people continue to do bad – unfair.

Your perspective, and comment allows me to see it in a different light.

Doing harm to others, being unkind, rude, etc – it isn’t just about the other person.  No it is not.  It isn’t just about how others are affected.

Acting this way, inherently affects me – when I am unkind, I also harm myself.  It doesn’t just feel “not right” it can also have long term effects.  Harboring this sort of feeling can lead me to have outbursts to other people like my husband, and impede my healing path.

Therefore, being good benefits all.