Dear Anita,

Happy Monday.  I hope you had a pleasant weekend.  It was more spring like here, and I enjoyed the weather.

What has come to mind this weekend, especially yesterday are the concepts of: The Disney World (TDW) and the concept that you so aptly described as:

what’s here is not good, what’s good is over there

now that what is over there is here – it is no longer good, what is good is over there.

I notice that I feel I have “plateaud” with my learning of this.  If that makes sense.  I feel as though there is the next step in the journey in regards to these concepts.  Where i obtain a deeper level of appreciating what’s here, and focus less on what’s there.  By not “over-appreciating/over-emphasizing” what’s over there (which often times is not even over there) but also – by not always being so observant.

What I mean by this, as that I know the concept of being content in your own world, and say you’re on a walkm you’re not constantly seeing “oh look what she’s wearing that’s nice, oh look at that family how happy, oh their food looks really good..”

All of these observations are benign enough, but overall – as time goes on (and I have noticed) you end that walk perhaps not even realizing where you walked to and if you enjoyed it, instead full of a flurry of outward observations.  This happened to me yesterday as we had a beautiful walk in NYC on a spring sunday.

This thing – that I describe, is what I intend to work on.

Dear Anita,

Ironically, the room I am in, with 3 ladies, a topic about rushing was brought up. They were talking about different parenting styles, culturally.

I thought about this for a moment.  I have a dog, not a real human child.  But regardless.  The idea of walking from point A to point B.  With the destination in mind, point B.  The idea of quickly walking to point B, dog in hand quick strides. Child in stroller quickly walking.

Or, leisurely strolling.  Letting the dog explore along the way, stopping to sniff the different smells. Stopping as a child pets a dog a block away.  Etc.  This route of course takes longer, it is in fact the “leisurely route.”

The conversation is about having patience for your children, allowing them to explore.  Not scolding – in this article they read -but taking the time to explain.  Quite interesting the conversation.

To me, I bring this up to you because of the above.  It takes more time to go leisurely from point A to point B.  But often, we can make that time.  By removing other activities and the frenzied state.  This benefits us, the dog, and the child – whatever scenario.  Exploring, living.

The conversation then went on to the different teaching patterns these women had with their children.  The “innate” way seemed to be quickly scolding. “don’t do this.” “stop doing that.”

However, the article these women had read said not to do this. But instead, explain.  It stated that anger is a wasted emotion.

And that instead explain and let others – children- understand why what they do is hurtful or wrong.

Interesting.

It reminds me of how much patience is required to be our best selves, to explain, totake the time.

How I could have chosen to not attack that day after yoga, and how that would have taken time, patience, harnessing kind energy – not simply reacting and snapping.

This is not unlike the parenting conversation, what parents have to do to be patient parents, what adults have to do to be patient adults, what humans have to do to be patient humans.

How taking the leisurely route from A to B isn’t just about leisure at all, it is about allowing patience.

Dear Anita,

I like the flexibility aspect of your post.  Very true.  Depending on how we are feeling, and level of distress we can make decisions.

I cancelled social plans this weekend as I need to rest and attend to some errands.  This was a good plan.  The old Cali Chica would have “handled” it all.  But why? And for what reason? None.

A point I want to add is that of habit.  The idea that caffeine is needed to function, is common in our society.  There are days I wake up where I don’t necessarily “need” coffee but would go for the cup out of habit.  Perhaps later that day I felt more wound up from this caffeine, perhaps my muscles more tense.  Perhaps no, and I would have felt that way anyway. Regardless, being aware of any habits of ours – is important.  Important on the healing path.  We are always evaluating and re-evaluating what works and doesn’t – aren’t we.

To me, my yoga practice has been immensely helpful.  Since moving here, back to NYC, I have committed to a regular yoga practice.  It has helped me in so many ways, head to toe, mind and body.  I am really enjoying it, and look forward to continuing this practice – and seeing even more benefits.  If I notice positive effects in 2-3 months, imagine a year!

I also find that this has become an important part of my day – or however often I go.  I look forward to it, and for the most part, I try not to exchange it for another activity – such as a hangout with a friend.  I try my best to preserve it.

In fact, when we talked about the No Attack conversation, that day I came home after yoga and attacked my husband.  I look back and see the story clearer now.  IT was not, of course the yoga practice, that put me on edge.  No.  It was cramming too much into my day.  Making me angry, angry at myself and the situation, and then rushing back physically and figuratively – and then bam – roar.  There goes the attack.

It doesn’t matter if I was doing yoga or karate, or nothing.  It was my state of mind.  Therefore, yoga, and talking here has taught me – that the frenzy causes distress.  It is not even necessarily the activities or the people I am around, but the frenzied state.  If I rushed to and from yoga daily, and rushed through the practice without breathing – would I be relaxed? Would it help my mental state? No.

But if I see it as not just an hour of exercise, but the reminder to unwind, to protect this time, and that before and after/to and fro – then it is an entirely different experience.

Dear Anita,

Very true, and great point.  Thank you.  And I shall.  He also respects and appreciates our relationship – from what I have shared!

How are you, and how is your leg? This week I have been slightly under the weather – cough cold, nothing out of the norm. I noticed I did not drink any coffee this week.  The combination of being more mellow because my energy levels aren’t as high, plus no caffeine has been interesting.  I notice that I am not as quick to respond to people, whether it is in real life, or through phone/text.  I notice I am not as jump, and feel calmer and more collected.  I notice that I feel more “inner’ oriented.  I sit with my own thoughts, versus a million buzzing thoughts.

It feels nice.  It feels like myself.  It is a good reminder that I am not my anxiety and high energy.  I am simply me.  I am not defined by my constant need to do.  And in fact, when I am feeling “low” I am protecting myself even more.  I don’t have the energy and caffeine pushing me to do do do.  Instead, I am sitting with myself, a little more.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for expanding this image.  Your image reminds me something, this journey is not mine alone – it involves him intimately.

I find myself forgetting that often.  I find myself thinking I am healing and on this journey and he is just on the side.  I don’t give enough credence or respect to the fact, that like above – so often he is extending his hand to hold me up.  Sure, I do the same.  But over the last 2 years he who has not only extended his hand to pull me up, he’s had to “carry” me and motivate me to even take the first step up the mountain.  Halfway through the mountain climb, he has reminded me that it is worth it to continue.  And most of all, he has helped me remember who I am.

I took some time to reply to your post as I let it sink and savor.

It teaches me many things.  That it is my husband who has helped me up this mountain climb, and continues to.  It is he who also needs my hand extended to help him up from time to time, as he is only human.  Lastly, reading your post again reminds me that – if I was to tumble down that mountain, he would quickly be by my side.  No one else.  As those people aren’t present.  He is, and only him.

Dear Anita,

I can see in you, and can tell you know all too well “what behavior is right and what is wrong.”  I can see this about you clearly. It is something I believe requires a high level of self awareness, and experience.

I, too, am getting there now.  I notice something about this – because I have gotten so much better about knowing right vs. wrong behaviors – for me, with confidence, it has also added to increased pressure.  Pressure to do ‘right” considering, I now know what is right – i feel well then why wouldn’t I do that, or choose that.  Cali Chica no longer is in the dark, and knows, who and what is right vs. wrong.

Thus, I am working on being less critical of this sort of thing, in my own life.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

 it takes way more time to be at ease with a new, learned behavior than it is to perform that new behavior.

I have been noticing this, and you pinpointed it perfectly.  Sometimes I will fool myself, or take the ‘new behavior” as natural in my head.  But sooner than later, I will find that being at ease – is not ease-y.  It is the natural way that wants to dominate, the old neuropathways.  I notice how much deliberate effort it takes to go with the new learned behavior sometimes – not always.  And sometimes, that effort and energy that is exerted to choose the new behavior, can be mistaken as “wrong.” As in, “wow if it is this difficult to choose this choice, than how can it be the right choice?” It doesn’t feel like the ‘right” choice because it takes effort and isn’t “innate.”

I know we have all asked ourselves this question, what is an example you have? I will think of one too…

Dear Anita,

Happy Monday.  I thought of you and your leg.  The concept of healing, that even after the “big heal” pain lingers.  It reminds us that we are not “back to baseline” just yet.  It urges to be attentive and have patience.  There is something to be said of the human body reminding the mind, what it needs.  Taking that “extra step” so to speak to be careful.

Yet, sometimes when we are too careful, it does not feel natural.  It is frustrating, which can in fact lead to more error! The fine balance is key – and that is what we search for, or attempt to attain – time and again in life.

I thought about how this also applies to the path, the healing path.

Sometimes we have large doses of healing.  This can be tangible objectively, someone finally cutting a toxic person out of their life.  Someone finally making the decision to date again after heart ache.  Making a new choice, or move, etc. Yet, it is the “small healing” that takes much longer, and can hold us back.  It’s those small twinges of pain, those reminders that we aren’t “there just yet” that keep us humble.