Before I submitted, I wanted to add:

I thought about how empathy, justice, etc all require one thing – ATTENTION

One can not have empathy for someone unless their attention is directed towards that human.  One  can not harness energy (frenzied energy) towards a person unless Attention is directed there.

Perhaps it is not that different from a child with ADD/ADHD – that has to do ONE task at a time, as multi-tasking creates frenzy and distress – and low outcome/productivity.

Perhaps I must see myself as such – someone who truly has to focus attention on one thing (person) at a time.  Perhaps Anita, for the time being, I need to see myself as an ADHD patient who needs to focus on treatment by harnessing energy onto one thing at a time.  One person.

I will make a plan on how to approach this – with upcoming social events – as it is during this time that I think the balance is disrupted, and remains disrupted.  If I could stay in a cocoon, it would be much easier to work on being a patient and doing this “homework.”

Dear Anita,

Interesting point you brought up, you never have. And yes to all of the above, he does all that and more.

The issue is, we enjoy being social – how to be social but not “be” with those people? How to enjoy others company in small selected portions, but not “be” anywhere else.  We are quite social (on weekends) but in small selected doses.  Often have people visiting, events, large circle of people, etc. etc

My sister is someone I enjoy time with, in small selected portions.  She has been helpful in the sense that she understands me and the background – but that isn’t really helpful – it is RELATABILITY.

you are right, no one has been helpful, no one truly cares in that way.  you are right. no one else is important.

selectively redirect. I have the power to redirect, I have achieved so much in a short amount of time in this past, so therefore, I too can redirect this energy.

Dear Anita,

Absolutely it is better to create a new life experience.

I feel, I am at a standstill again, not unlike a few months ago when I was stuck, with my sister scenario. Now although I can not say that is “fixed” of course, my increased awareness from our conversations was monumental.  You helped me see that my first major hurdle, was removing my parents.  And that now it was onto number 2, inevitably, learning how to approach the relationship with my sister.

I see now that those are 2 very very important life changing objectives.

But here today, I approached you with something a little different, it is something that is not in the present tense, but entirely tethered to the past.  As you wrote, it is a core belief that is stuck in my brain, that I can not unearth.

In a way, this is a task much greater than removing my parents, are redefining the relationship with my sister – as it involves reprogramming my BRAIN.

It is this that will change my life. I know it. I know in my heart that when I can make progress with this, that is when life will feel different finally.  No mother, sister, or lack of etc etc – can lead to the same amount of relief/change/awakening/enlighteenment as my changing that core belief.  In a way I think I have been waiting for that, and have not found it.  Of course not, I am still stuck. On the path, but still stuck.

Yes my life has changed tremendously from the decisions I have made.  But for me to feel differently, approach the world truly differently, treat my husband honestly differently, and myself.  This core belief has to slowly mold away.

I am an excellent student, and yet, this feels like a flurry.  And yet, it is only today that I am seeing how incredibly  difficult a task it is to diminish that mental chatter, to not escape to the lives of others to avoid my “inferior” life, and so on.

So like any student, a well conditioned one, I will do what I know works – start from the basics, and build.

I must simplify this arduous task, this subliminal way of my mind.  Clearly what I have been doing thus far has not been working, its time to take on a different approach. I will outline a stream of ideas/concepts relevant.  And as we speak tomorrow, I will polish and make more sense of my approach/understanding..

• I know that involving myself with too many people clearly does not work.  Mind chatter only gets worse when, of course, I chat more! When I over communicate with too many people in a day, it is that much harder for me to shut off my brain and focus on “you and yours” – on mine.  I like that term, focusing on mine.  I will use it.
  • So lets say today I communicated with people at work, yoga, my husband, small talks here and there groceriees etc – that is much different than texting a friend or 3, or responding to a friends question about how my weekend was, or her next trip, etc.  when I communicate in this way on a daily basis – my mind only goes there
    • it quickly and naturally moves away entirely from sinking and savoring my OWN life.  this is a fact
• I know that even if I am by myself, however, this occcurs.  So in this case I can’t say it was because I was distracted because I was on the phone with someone, out with someone, on my phone etc.  I was with my own self
  • I see this as habit.  About a year ago or so, I remember telling you about an example, with a neighbor J.
    • I said something along the lines of how I would automatically text her to meet so our dogs could play, even on days when I didn’t feel myself, or even my dog needed that social interaction.
      • You mentioned something excellent, that my action(s) were a compulsion to reduce distress.  Obsessive thought occurs, compulsive action follows to “reduce distress.”
        • obsess – act
          • I see in order to break this cycle it will have to be different
            • obsess – analyze – then choose
              • in fact, I know the answer will be to not act, to simply do nothing, say nothing at all.  but when it comes to the mind, chatter, and such – it is much more difficult than turning off an ACTION.
• this brings me to a point that, this is perhaps the greatest feat thus far, as it is not a tangible action: cut someone out, stop going there, stop attending to this, etc.  This is truly the first attempt to have control over the mind.  To then re-wire.  To manage my thoughts.  To unearth core beliefs
• to summarize this evening, thus far, I know for sure what does not work.  It is so very obvious based on my life and observations. It does not work when I am overly social, and overly involved in others.  Okay, I am already working onthat.  The next step, I will look at like in yoga..  My stamina has increased tremendously in just 2 months.  Look at what I am capable of.  Perhaps I can increase mental stamina just one step this week/weeks.  I wonder what that step should be…

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

“constant focus on the lives of others” is a way for you to escape your experience of your own life, the allegedly inferior life

I will let this sink in, and reply back in a few hours.  I know you may be on your walk at this time (so enjoy that!) regardless, we will speak more when you are available. Thank you for your insight and wisdom today – and always.

Dear Anita,

After we discuss the above, when you would like – I wanted to add something else…

To add about the portion that is “compulsive mind chatter” it is almost like an “obsession with others”

an example would be, if you are on a nice walk with your husband enjoying the sunlight, the sounds, the people everywhere, walking, running, biking – a beautiful environment.  Why would you constantly talk? Talk about this and that.  “oh S and her boyfriend are going away finally, she is happy he finally booked the trip.” “oh that lady at work was saying how the center is going to get busier in the summer.” “oh I saw the neighbor earlier and she mentioned there’s an open house she went to upstairs, but it was an old unit.”

Can’t just stay in the present.  Talking about this and that.  This is similar to the above scenario (couple moving to florida) but also different in the sense of it is “talking just to talk” having focus on the Lives of others, being preoccupied with what they are doing (not finding it superior per se in this scenario) but just being consumed by it.

my mother used to do this ALL THE TIME – almost like a “let’s see who and what we can talk about now to fill the time, beyond gossip, compulsive mind chatter/spoken chatter”

Dear Anita,

Yes, I do.  As I have mentioned before, I do not have that many vivid memories from childhood (or the thoughts from childhood). But I can say I remember a vague sense of this.

For example, my mother and I – our family, we would go visit someone (my cousin) who was  living in a lower-middle class apartment complex, kids outside, people walking around, perhaps more urban.  She would say “what’s the point of living in a nice big house like ours and be lonely, it is so much better to be here – around people.” So I would manifest this.  As I played outside with my cousins, and all her friends (as there were so many apartments and so many children) I wouldn’t want to leave.  I thought “this was happiness” and going back to my lonely big house was sad.

So yes, that is one example.  I can think of others.

Therefore, I do remember as a child thinking I wanted to be in the superior scenarios (and mine were inferior).

Dear Anita,

To add, I will look at last Friday.  We were out to dinner with 2 other couple, close friends of mine, and now ours.  A great time.

My husband and I spoke about this yesterday (same conversation as that including our walk). The concept that I “over-emphasize” and over appreciate what others do/are doing/are.  AT the dinner I made it a huge point that my friends were moving to Florida and they got great jobs.  I went on and on about it.  To the friends it probably seemed normal, Cali Chica being nice and supportive.  I went on and on about it on the way home too to my husband, emphasizing how great it is for them…and looking back it was “compulsive/obsessive”

See Anita, if it was my husband and I who were making this move (which ironically we just made a move) I would by no means be as “appreciative/amazed/happy” about it.

Second, and most importantly, my husband stated how this has always been so hard for him, and now become a sore spot – because it is as though no matter what I will appreciate that of others, and undermine all that he does for me.  All the love and support.  I forgot how he said it exactly but something along the lines of.  They can have 1% but you give it 1000% appreciation and amazement, but i do 1000x that, and I get 1% appreciation/acknowledgement.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Cali Chica.