Dear Anita,

i think my dad is bad.

i know he is nice to me sometimes, and we have fun sometimes. but i think my dad is bad.  he always gets angry

Dear Anita,

I stay quiet with the adults a lot, and go play with my cousins.  because we have fun playing. I don’t really say much to the older people, i don’t know why maybe because my mom always says “what we say in the house is secret between us, and don’t tell anybody.” and she says “when they ask you questions that are personal, don’t give information away.”

we are supposed to not let them know stuff about our life, because they have jealousy and they may try to ruin things.

Dear Anita,

my cousins and aunts and uncles are bad to us – they are mean and put my mom and dad down.  they have jealousy of us.

it is weird because when I go to my cousins house, I have so much fun playing with her, but I also know they are not good people.

sometimes my mom is happy to go there, because their apartment is SO SO much more fun than our house (no one plays outside that much where i live).  she likes to go there because it reminds her of India and there is so many people outside and hustle and bustle – good energy she says

but other times when we come home, after being there, she says how much her sister (my aunt) puts her down and taunts her. taunting is when they put you down and make fun of you.  then i think they are bad people, even though i have fun with them.

maybe we shouldn’t talk to them that much then Anita.

—-now I am a little older so 8-12 or so…

i go to my other aunt’s house. she is fat and always cooks. she always talks about how her cooking is so good.  my mom told me thats all she knows how to do all day – just cook cook cook.

she wants me to eat her dish that she said she made so good, and i tried it and i didn’t like it.  i didn’t want to compliment her on it – all my other cousins did they said ‘oh wow this tastes so good, wow you are an amazing cook.”

I didn’t because they are bad people, so they don’t deserve that.  I told my mom later that I didn’t and she was glad, it seemed she was proud that I saw that my aunt is bad and she doesn’t need to be told her food is good! (when its bad anyway!))

Dear Anita,

My mother tried desperately to make the sadness to go away, today my mind is quite clear and focused, so I will organize my thoughts as such, she did the following:

• distracted, in the years after CC was a child, mother turned into level 2, the angry rage, revengeful, spiteful phase.
  • during this time she would distract. hastily sign up for a yoga pass, not for a day or week, but for months, only to come home and say ‘oh its not for me, or oh its beginner and I’m more advanced, etc, excuses” and not be able to commit or follow through.  she would go on vacation after vacation, running chasing, she would make random friends and try to go on trips with them, seeking, finding a way – as “she suffered her whole life, it is her right now to enjoy!!”
• projecting
  • she projected her sadness onto us, (me) and so I could “carry it for her.” Here she would say – take my sadness, it is too much of a burden for me to bear.  she would be proud in how much her daughters felt for her, see – who else is there for me, look how much they feel for their poor mother.  never ever once thinking, perhaps i should protect my daughters from sadness, and not pass it along.
• she would attempt to “reason” and “bargain” with herself
  • she would convince herself her life isn’t so bad after all.  “see look at how much we have, why would we ever be sad!” we are foolish to be sad – people don’t even have one of these things.  see how lucky I am.  look at my husband, he is so supportive and he is my best friend.  everywhere I want to go – he goes with me.  everyday on the way to work he calls me for the whole commute.  who would do that? most of these women, their husbands don’t even talk to them! they all sleep in separate rooms

Dear Anita,

Yes very interesting how you point out that my mothers goal was not to comfort me, but instead cement her position as a victim. Well said.

Great question, in fact I never recall daydreaming as a child, or daydreaming ever. I have thought about this for sometime now, and I believe it has something to do with burn out, my neurons were so zapped and burnt out so to speak- that this imaginative quality has not been present. But as a child – it must have been. But I do not recall any such memory.

Dear Anita,

I am thinking how I am so sad, and how I feel confused how somehow I always get sad.  that somehow someone is always sad, or yelling, mom or dad.  maybe i don’t know who is more mad, mom or dad.  i guess it depends

i also feel tired, sometimes when I cry a lot I get tired

Dear Anita,

NO she did not hold me and comfort me! I think she pretty much talked to me and my dad at the same time! like GOD what is all this commotion at dinner time! That she can’t take it.  And then to my dad, she was mad that he made me cry and I did not eat