Dear Anita,

My being a thing, and those qualities that were a tool – for her to think well of me/her, of her to others.

She felt good showing off.

If I had a lot of friends, oh look at my darling daughter the popular socialite.

If I was a doctor, oh look at my aamzing daughter she can do it all

If I was dancing, oh look she takes after me doesn’t she, she has that dancer in her

If I had a good boyfriend (one acceptable to society, good family, career, etc) , look at how great I raised her to meet a nice boy she deserves

Always the case.

but interesting how CC now, is still in a way, connected to seeking the things she taught me to – that wwere the right things, the “right things” I should say

Dear Anita,

Separating truth from lies.  I absolutely agree.  That is the work I will do, I am prepared.

As per the second post, yes.  If I found that “the love she never had” it would bring contentment to her heart.  Fulfill her, give her what she lacked.  Have her live vicariously through me..

As we know the outcome was not that way..  If we brought her the X thing she lacked, she asked for Y.  If we thought about Y she said Y is filthy, go back to X.  And on and on.

I will wait for your reply to guide my thoughts/conversation.

Dear Anita,

It could absolutely be true. Especially as I got older. I left the house at 17 for college and then all of my schooling. I did not live far away, I would visit on certain weekends. Regardless, my sister who is almost 7 years younger was home during this time. My sister dealt a lot with what you have posted, my mother wanting her to be out of the house. I recall my sister would be starting downstairs in the same facility as my mother, and my large house, and my mother making snide comments about how she feels my sister is watching her, and feels annoyed that she’s always clinging to her. So then my sister would go upstairs and study in her room.It was like her presence annoyed her. You of course remember that we thought this was related to the fact that she is infuriated that my sister does not have many friends, and usually stays at home, more of a homebody during that time.

There was that one example that you know about, when we were having guests over, I recall having a phone call from my sister saying that she was pretty much kicked out of the house. My mother said to her, Cole even do something, it’s embarrassing for gas to see a grown girl like you sitting at home while they are here, go to something and come back in a few hours so it doesn’t look bad.

My mother had this idea that kids, teenagers, etc. should be out frolicking in the world with so many friends, that the parents shouldn’t have to be so involved in helping them have a social life. This was one of her biggest gripes of American culture, in India kids played outside and entertainment did. It have to be sought out constantly. In theory she has a point, as that was a different role she lived in, and a different environment. But her thesis is not really make sense when it comes to treating my sister this way.

So during the time in my medical school and she was having this affair, I can absolutely imagine that she couldn’t stand to have my sister around, my sister even has stories of noticing that my mother was in the closet on the phone secretly, quickly turning off the phone and getting angry with my sister walked in. She would exclaim, I have no privacy in my own home!

During this time my mother became very obsessed about speaking about the affairs of others. She said it was not uncommon for unhappily married Indian woman to have this sort of thing happen, they were arranged at a young age to men that they had nothing in common with, so as they reached middle-age, they often found themselves being attracted to other people, and finally having a chance. She would explain the stories to my sister and I as these woeful tragedies, this poor woman stuck with these horrible lives, finally having a chance to be set free finally some love.  Once again in theory could possibly make sense, and a movie, etc. This is not an unheard story or plot. And of course this is what we believed.

You know something, this week I was watching that show again, the show of the dysfunctional family. It is a comedy, and there are multiple to dimensions. And one of the episodes, the oldest daughter, who is 21, ends up sleeping with a married man. There is so much hype and she hasn’t seen this guy since high school, and has lasted over him for many years. There is so much hype and build up to this sexual encounter of theirs, but when it finally happens, she’s left disappointed, it is almost comical.

There’s a TV show, but it got me thinking. My mother always told the first part of the story didn’t she. She would tell the first part of the story, oh wow, this woman has been needing this sexual encounter, and finally she met this man could fulfill her, after 30 or 40 years of being all alone in that house. Of course she never tells the second part of the story, what actually happens? Does it actually make her happy? No. It’s like one small girls tell stories, they talk about a princess being carried away by his parents. But as an adult we know there are other dimensions. Does the spreads have a job? Do they actually get married? Do they have a stable marriage? I almost laughed as I write all of this, but it is pretty much reality versus fantasy. Did Cinderella actually have a retirement and long lasting husband!?

Point of the matter is, she taught us nothing about reality in real life, just fed us fantasies and lies didn’t she. In fact, no matter how educated I am her only girl is in this scenario it doesn’t matter because the true life skills are all based on a fantasy.

It is like saying, go out there find your prince charming Cinderella. So this girl is out there are seeking and seeking and is finding herself frustrated this prince charming that you explain mother I’m having trouble finding him. So the mother says will try harder, perhaps there is something wrong with you, why wouldn’t you be able to find him? So the girl the spares, and continues to try to find yourself deeply depressed that she will never succeed.

But the mother fed her lies. The mother never taught her what is important, with the reality of this so-called prince would be. The mother never taught her what is important, how to approach peopleAnd that at the end of the day reality is more important than what we see on TV or hear from other people.

As an educated woman in society, I truly believed all these fantasies. It’s not that I grew up watching Disney movies and thinking that they were real, no I had a delusional mother to feed these boys for me, different kinds of lies but fantasies nonetheless.

The other thing is that it was all black and white, and so in the example above, she would explain the first part of this fantasy, scorned and alone woman going out and finding true love, how amazing, how inspring  But let’s say she decides to tell us another part of the story now, of course not the realistic ending. It would be that the man that she ends up with never leaves his own life. His own wife who is a fat troll. So alas this one woman continues her Misery.  What is the moral of the story? Is it that the women didn’t see things clearly? Is it that all that glitters isn’t gold? Yes, she would use this term countlessly. All that glitters isn’t gold. But listen to this, this would be her theory and conclusion. It would be that this poor woman has bad luck and she will never ever be happy…

This is her example of all that glitters isn’t gold. It is that this poor woman will never be happy, or that other man is evil. That is it. It is not that the true moral of that story is that what we seek out is not always what it seems. No that would be the adult tomorrow or lesson. Nope, good or bad still a lofty example nonetheless. Always for her.

Well, we talked about when my mother would make those comments about her unsatisfactory love life  You mentioned that it was at least good that she did not go into further detail, oh God. But that is not true, I didn’t want to really mention it here as it may not be something that is great to talk about. But regardless, my mother would talk about this,  that her needs wouldn’t be met. she would teach my sister and I that some women have more sexual desire than others, and so it is unfair for those women to be with men who cannot fulfill them. She would explain that some women are just that way. She told my sister and I that she believes my sister has that, and I don’t. She would say that some women are more hot, and some women are more cold. In this meaning of more or less lustful/sexually driven. If my sister was on this post right now she would explain it even better, but pretty much, she feels that ever since my sister was younger, she would be interested in romantic novels and books like that and TV shows, so she knows my sister has a higher drive like that. But she never saw that in me, and she knows that I am not that interested in those things, so I am not really like that.  She took great pride in explaining this to us, and finding solidarity with my sister in that they are both the same. Oh her and I – we are similar in that way. We just listed and observed we were not really offended or seemingly put off by this at all, or intrigued or anything  just listened.She would then go on and explain that women like her they have these increased desires and needs, and so if they are set up with a man who is not able to perform in such a manner, it is a tragedy.  I am refraining from adding my adult input here, as I want to explain it to you as it was back then.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

No  one is good except for herself, in her own mind.

You wrote that you thought that your mother “feels more than the average person, cares more, loves more”- she hates more. “I have a clean heart”, she said many times. No, she has a hateful heart. She doesn’t only hate the individuals that did hurt her before, she hates  forevermore.

She hates everyone and she lies a lot. She lies a whole lot.

So true that she does not believe anyone is good except her own self.  no one is good enough, no one has a clean heart.  if at any given time someone conveniently helps her move her agenda, that person may be “deemed good” for just that second.  in reality it is all lies like you said.  all lies.  all the stories.

The thing is, she hated to be alone, because it made her face nothing but her own self.  yet, she was burdened by the presence of others if things didn’t go exactly according to her mood (ever changing) in that day.  in short, she is an unlovable, miserable, liar.

I thought a lot last night after the posts to you.

i am obsessed with the happiness and contentment of others. my mother has told me – NO LIED TO me – my entire life. the lives of others in her eyes, made up, were a fallacy fed to me.  others are lucky. we are not.  others have the right path – we do not.

others will find happiness, we will not.  period. end of story. no matter what ever and ever.

I see a slight opening in my mind today, I have read all that you wrote – and I see something, hard to put into words.

I suffer as a child of a liar. Children of criminals, convicts, and socipaths suffer.  So do children of liars

Of course – if  I saw a patient who was fed lies his/her whole life, I would say wow: how much suffering, how sad for her, wow she has no perspective of reality, she only knows a false world that was skewed and biased.

So if I worry, why I focus outward, why I can’t enjoy the moment just my spouse and I, why I deviate to think about others even when it doesn’t make sense – it isn’t because I was just to do so…it’s more than that.

I was taught this outside world is where the glitter and luck is, and if I spend my time there, perhaps I have a chance at it too.  It is the place to seek, elsewhere, as only there is that chance.  Spending time here and now, within myself and mine, there is no chance of it – so quickly go elsewhere.  Go quick and find.

the reality is that the others arent so happy and lucky, theyre just normal.  no one is better or luckier, or more fortunate.  but believing this is like searching for gold in world full of dust.

constantly searching for that gold, go get it girls

Dear Anita,

Thank you. you know, when you first brought up this exercise, I thought about how I don’t have a good memory of chilldhood.  But then I realize, the idea of whether I was exactly 5, or 7, or whatever age is not as important, as knowing it was when I was a child.  Today, when I answered your last question, somehow after I submitted, it opened up a flow of more thoughts, and then again after submitting. it felt good to explore this, and explain it to you – writing from that first perspective as a child, and not as the past. I think this is quite important..

I re-read your first post to me today, and the key point being–no matter what I do, where I go, it is the others that are the lucky ones.  how lucky for them to be happy. if only I could be like them, but alas I can not.

now whether these people are doing something I have interest in (perhaps finding a good guy to marry) or no interest in (moving to Florida) – its all in the same.  this is interesting, it truly does not matter what it is the other person is doing/granted/achieving – it is that they are CONTENT. so as a result I envy their contentment.  It is a wanting of that satisfaction and contentment (where it comes from is not the focus, and easily glanced over).

“oh look at her, how luckky she is to find a great guy who treats her so good.” — devils advocate would say, hmm but CC would you even like a guy like that? doesn’t matter – llook how happy SHE is – if only I could be happy like that.

“Look at that job they got, oh how smart they are to move away and go to a place good for doctors.” —well do you even want to move to Florida?

point of the matter is, they are doing this, and they are content they are happy. they are CAPABLE OF BEING HAPPY. and that is remarkable, enviable, and oh so sooo unattainable.  oh how! how to be happy like this!! maybe, oh if only maybe, I had what they have? will that do it? but wait I got that- still not happy…hmm–well then maybe I need more!!? maybe something else now? yes probably, well keep on digging.

You know what else Anita. When they talk about heroes and role models at school, I say my dad because he is a doctor.  It is a good job because he helps people.  All of his patients love him, and we are familly friends with some of them.  They always say he is such a good doctor, and sometimes if we see them at the store or at a party- they say my dad helped them so much.

Everyday when I talk to my dad on the phone or at home, I ask him “how are the patients?” and sometimes he tells me some stories.  i have been asking that ever since I was a baby I think.

a few times I visited my dads office, everyone there is so nice to me. my mom told me that my dad’s partner has jealousy of my dad, because he has a good wife and kids – and that the partner got divorced so many timmes.  she said that he is cunning and makes my dad work more than he does.

my mom says my dad is a really good doctor, and he has “really good hands.” that a lot of doctors don’t have good hands. but that my dad is especially good.  she also says how his job is good, but he could have even got a better one, but he didnt because if you’re from India it is harder.

my mom always says the hardest job is to stay at home.  You know that?

she says only a very strong person can stay at home.  because at home there is no one.  at work you can talk to people.  but if you are home at work all day doing work, like her – you have to be really strong.  she says how so many people can’t do it, like some of my aunts, so all they do is talk on the phone all day because they are lonely. or they always go drive somewhere.  because they aren’t that strong.

she says that one of the hardest jobs is a housewife because you have no where to go, all your work at home.  you know if my dad is home for a day, and he is tired or they have to do some house stuff – my mom always says “look see how hard it is, imagine if you had to stay home all day..”

she says how people who go to work, i mean moms who go to work, they come home and they dont do any work.  they dont even have to cook and clean!! that their husbands do that stuff, she says its so easy for them.  she says some people are okay with dirty houses, but not her.

Dear Anita,

Sometimes I feel bad that my mom had to send me to camp one summer, because she didnt know what I would do at home all summer – that I would get bored and lonely. She says how the camp was such a great one and so expensive – but a good idea because I had company and went everyday.  It was a good camp, we did so many activities like swimming.

I know my mom likes it when I am home too, because I give her company, we talk, and I sit with her when she is in the kitchen.  We go to the mall and library and other places.

Sometimes she is happy when my good friends come over, because it makes the atmosphere more lively.

You know Anita, there is this saying she always says about me – like something like “I bring life and laughter into the house”

That without me – the house is quiet and cold, but when I am there, “it is full of life” that I bring the “good energy”

She always says this about me, to my dad, and to others.  And if I am gone for a few days or something – she says it

you know Anita – I bring life and laughter into the house, and into her life.