Dear Anita,

When I feel bad for her, it feels like a deep ache in my heart – it feels like an overall heavy feeling. Feeling your body is heavy and weighed down – not light and free.  It feels like a weight.

Dear Anita,

You remember a few of those times, what goes wrong, when those times happen, help me understand, young Cali Chica, will you, why is she not happy with you anymore?

She isn’t happy lets say if she is in a bad mood, and I ask her to give me a ride somewhere – then she gets upset and says “god I didn’t take this life to be a slave to my daughters.” or she would say to my dad: “look at these children we give our blood sweat and tears to them.”

then maybe i’ll get upset and throw a fit, and then I say something mean to my mom like “no other moms do this, they don’t make a huge deal out of everything”

she will sometimes get MORE angry – and throw a huge fit, get huge big eyes like a monster and say “HOW DARE YOU say this to your mother, you’re lucky I don’t kick you out of this house”

or sometimes alternatively she will get sad, and start screaming and crying saying “god what did I do to deserve this torture, even my daughter is against me!!  she may call my dad on the phone while he has work to complain about this and then my dad will get upset when he comes home, for being so bad to my mother

Dear Anita,

I think I will – because I can do a lot, since I am young, so  I will do all that I can – because I have the energy to do so

Dear Anita,

Yes, I am a good girl.  I care about people and I am nice.  I always want everyone to be friends

Dear Anita,

Good segue into resuming the exercise.

Guilt:

Today I made a card for Cara, she is a girll in my class.  I made a card out of my construction paper, I used the red or pink one – the ones I save as they are the best colors.  I cut it out in the shape of a candy, you know those hard candy that have two ties on each side, like crinkly.  I wrote something on it, something like hi friend, or have a good day friend.  I want to make it for her because she is my friend now, and I didn’t think she would be because she is popular.  Maybe if I give her this card she will be happy and stay my friend.

It is hard to  be friends with the popular girls.  they are friends with each other  they always have new clothes, and they act however they want. sometimes they act bad because they have lots of boyfriends, or they care more about boys than school. but they are lucky because they have each other and a good friend group.  sometimes I get to talk to them and sit with them too, but I don’t want to leave my other friends and make them feel left out.  If i just ditch them and go to the cool people – well that’s not right.  That’s not what good friends do. Iwould feel bad about this – guilty.

My mom always told me how all the boy girl stuff is bad, and that I am too young for that stuff.  LIke on TV when people kiss and all, she usually doesn’t want me to  watch this.  When I go to my American friends house, they always watch 90210 – their moms are never home or they don’t care. In gym class we are going to do square dancing, so I have to have a boy partner.  For some reason I feel so bad about this. So I went home and told my mom.  She thought it was cute and funny, and said of course you willl have a boy partner for this – that is perfectly fine and okay.  I don’t know why I felt so bad about it – I really did. But my mom told me it is okay.

When we go to India, we stay at my dad’s sides house.  His brothers and family llive there and his parents.  His family is cunning and jealous. My cousins there sometimes I have fun with, but sometimes they taunt us and make us feel bad.  I feel bad that my mom got treated so bad by my grandma (my dad’s mom).  She used to be so bad to my mom after my mom and dad got married.  She would call her horrible names, and make her cry everyday.  When my dad would hit my mom, my grandma thought it wasn’t bad – a lot of those grandmas felt thats how to control a new wife.  My dad’s brothers wives were all mean to my mom too, and gang up against her.   When I go to India I feel bad about this.  I see my grandma and she tries to be nice to me, but I know she is bad.

Dear Anita,

You asked:

Is it that still existing empathy (perhaps not felt easily, but still it is there) for her that makes it difficult for the CC part of the mental unit with her, to have power over the Mother part of this mental unit? Because you don’t have empathy for yourself, you see yourself as a tough.. dog, with a big bark and you don’t want to .. crush that alleged fragile puppy.. in that mental unit?

I do not believe, in my conscious mind I have an empathy for her.  In fact there goes that saying, it takes effort to love someone, and to hate someone – but not to “nothing’ someone.  To be “over someone” is to not feel much for that person.  Of course when it comes to your own mother – it is not a matter of forgetting this person and moving on.

I do not believe I have empathy for her – but I also do not believe I have developed true empathy for my husband – it is just starting.

To an untrained ear or eye, they would thing – well why is it this or that, he or her? but as you know, my devotion and dedication to my mother took away from any other being, even my OWN self, and of course my husband. In fact she taught me in many ways it was wrong to honor a man, and respect him.  She never taught me what true love and respect was.  How could she? She had no true love or respect for me, her own daughter.  What is there to emulate?

I saw this morning as i had a chat with my husband, that truly truly – I am learning this all on my own now.  In the sense that many women may treat a husband based on how they saw their mother treat their father, an older sister.  Or perhaps how an older mentor figure – aunt, priest, family friend etc – guided them.  I had no guidance whatsoever Anita.  All my so called guidance was lies.

So, this morning I thought about what it means to learn how to love and respect – at the age of 33 – honestly for truly the first time.  It isn’t as natural as it may seem to others.  This combined with the major clouding of my mind – the outward focus.

We began this whole series of conversations based on my inquiry to you about outward focus.  The day I was walking in the park, endless chatter, mind chatter, and some verbal chatter about every which thing, unable to stay still with here and mine.

I see that this ignited the conversation and the exercise, and I see now that the truth is: I have to see my mother for who she is, the lies.  So I may feel less/no GUILT in acting the way I want.  See what holds me back isn’t empathy for my mothers, but still believing somewhat who SHE told me I am.  It is uncovering the truth about her – so I may uncover the truth about me.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for itemizing the quotes as such, it helps me see each aspect both separate and intertwined.  My mind works well with this sort of breakdown as well (as you have seen). I will reply in the same fashion.

1. my mother’s message to me, I am special, no the MOST special led to the Super Cali Chica. 
   1. Perhaps the cali chica thinks she has to be super in order to be special.  perhaps if she is not acting “super” she loses her identity.  Her role as special. I will hold on to the fact that I am special, as is.  And try my best to return to it often, in order to let go of my mother and the Super role she forced me into.
2. I was loyal to my mother, but she was not loyal to me
   1. how interesting to be sent out into battle, on behalf of one’s mother, only to turn around and she is nowhere to be found. yet, you continue the battle.  Fight on I must – my mother sent me, and I have to do a good job, I have to make her proud. In fact I have to make myself proud (as I believe what she wants is what I want). Yet, where is she? She has escaped and onto another mission.  But I remain don’t I? How dedicated I am to task. Not giving up.  How special of me.  How super, yes that’s her Super Cali Chica.
3. I never thought of my mother as someone who likes to be alone.  Well it was hard to think of my mother as anything outside of what she exclaimed to be. I notice I have this tendency in general, or at least I used to.  I take someone’s word for what they say they are, sometimes ignoring what intuitively they seem in real life.  Such as someone who exclaims they are amazing throwing glitter, but in reality all their actions show they are empty.  So back to above, when you asked me about the lonely comment, the things that come to mind are my mothers exclamations.  “oh how nice it is here, so many people!” oh it is so fun at their house, they have so much family over.
   1. but when I would introduce my mother to these scenarios in the hope for her to find happiness, she would never enjoy them. In fact she would be angered, irritated and complaining.  so many examples of this.  I thought of this as her ability to only see bad in others and scenarios – but it is even deeper than this. she truly only enjoys the company of herself, the queen.  no one else is truly worthy of keeping up with her, no scenario no person. not even I, her chosen one. nope. as no human can satiate the mother
4. But there was no us, no  unity
   1. no there was not, and the biggest lie was that there was unity between her and i. It is me vs. them,, her and the world. yet, she made it seem that it was poor her (the victim) and the world against her. Thus it was the job of SCC to ease this burden and suffering.  “make the world better’ “bring her good” “show her the light”
   2. but I too, am apart of the others.  It is only truly her in her own world, swirling around. I remember being hurt when I was told that I too was against her.  How could this be! After spending my entire life trying to make her happy. I recall being in my apartment and my mother throwing me under the bus.  ridiculing and insulting me publicly as I was not furthering her agenda. my father doing the same. there’s another story with the police, that you may or may not know about. well in front of the police, Anita, my mother threw me under the bus. to punish me. only to despair later on out of “guilt” this isn’t a mentally unstable person, that is emotionally unwell and makes rash decisions out of emotionalism and despair.  this a truly an evil person
5. It is true, the only true bad luck in my life, was having her as my mother
   1. yet, she made me believe that everything BUT that was the bad luck.  any obstacle I may come across, but more importantl even attemptinng. feeding me the lie that no matter what I do or where I go or who I meet, I will not be happy/or lucky
      1. small example comes to mind, she used to ridicule my cousin’s husband to me as he was not good enough or this or that.  after I got married I remember one of the first times it came up again, she exclaimed, this cousin is the only person in the family who was lucky enough to find happiness.  “you can just tell those people who are truly happy how lucky.” “others all get married and all, but they’re not happy.”saying to me, that too bad for you. you tried and did all you could, you’re still not happy see? you won’t be. she felt great pride in letting me know this fact. that my cousin is happily married and I am not. it was a fact not an opinion. feeding me this idea that I am not capable of this sort of happiness in my lifetime, because of an internal flaw of mine – so there you go continue to seek for it.
6. She didn’t think of me as a good daughter, but not because I wasn’t one.  There is no us in her mind. It is exactly that, whatever feels good in the moment is spit out.  If its bragging about me, then that, if it is mocking me, then that.  There was no unity.  Amazing point that she never quietly and personally reaffirmed those things. I think about how a mother has a lot of talk with her child, even I do with my dog! The small daily talk, oh you’re a good girl, good job doing that – oh how cute you are, how funny, you’re making mommy very happy.  And it goes on with age.  All of it does not have to be positive affirmations to be healthy – but the fact that my mothers words to the outside were never congruent with her personal talk to me is key.  In fact I felt this was normal, the person we put out in the world is different than what we show our loved ones at home – I thought this was an example of this.  And of course, you can’t go airing your dirty laundry around town daily – but what my mom was doing – as not this.  She was showing a false persona, she had no trouble being evil in reality, but glorious and bragging in her public ways.  And this all before social media! you don’t need facebook and all to see only the “good” side of people.  people have been living lies for much longer than the internet, haven’t they? it’s just now there’s an easier vehicle to show off and brag daily (for those people).  I have followed this behavior somewhat, in the abuse and attacking my husband.  Not feeling there is anything wrong to be negative and cruel one on one, but think easily we can still enjoy time with others without an issue. well no, true love is first, built in the home.  
   1. It surely is a habit for me to sensationalize others, just as my mother did. I learned it, and emulated it, to this day.  Learned behavior, watch and learn. Mother would say look over there how nice of them to have a picnic..  So now when I walk in the park, I don’t notice the beautiful walk I am with my husband, but more the beauty of the picnic that others are having.
7. even her lovers couldn’t make her happy, as she was incapable of “handling” this sort of relationship.. she would agonize if she didn’t get a message back from N. when he was off onto the next thing, she would drive and stalk his car, trying to see where he was going, if he was over her and onto the next, a younger better version. infuriated and “hurt” but never guilty, always a victim
   1. going along with that, she always painted this rosy picture of her upbringing in India. a beautiful town where everyone was out to play, neighbors were friends, people helped one another.  in this rosy picture, there was also not back stabbing, misery, and “normal” human adversity.  I think about how being told how this rosy world is “reality” and this miserable American life is a “tragedy” was so detrimental to my sister nd I.  From the moment you are born, you are born into the bad world. how unlucky and what a shame.  it is your poor fate to have to live in this tragic life, long gone is that rosy world, you’ll never taste it – you are stuck with this sad world full of sad people.
8. i’ve been distressed and rushing for a long, long time
9. yes absolutely difficult to stay with her. but i recall feeling it never mattered where I was of course. it is better now as her physical presence is no longer a daily threat (or active ongoing threat). as you know it is the mother voice. and so as we talk about it, even to this day now, once her lies and “tenets” she taught me slowly fade away
10. she always had this thing about being stronger than others.  being stronger than me. reminding my sister and I which one of us was more loyal to her, or stronger, or etc – depending on what would help her more.
    1. she used to always talk about the strength of others. oh look that ladies husband died recently, shes out working, she probably didnt love him that much anyway – she’s strong, people like us that are emotional it is hard for us to be strong like that
    2. after a break up, one of my adolescent friends (she always knew everything as she was my “person” talked to her day in and day out) she would say oh look at your friend how strong, she bounced right back after that break up – not us, we get so hurt because we feel with the heart.
    3. the strength part goes along with happiness too. always making it known who is happy and unhappy. towards the end in the last year of speaking with her, she would often ridicule me and say “oh you think you’re happy just wait” the only person who actually is happy and can sleep at night is me.  i know you, you can’t sleep at night – very unhappy you are.