Dear Anita,

I feel exactly like my mother, or sound like her:

I think, oh man I wish someone could guide me – alas I feel so lost in this process on my own

INstead of thinking about it strategicially I get overwhelmed and discouraged, and fixate on those who “made it” and how some of them are phony/not good doctors/not even appropriate providers

I feel so overwhelmed by it , that I want to put it to rest – without even have tried, and just focus on going to work and being an employee and NOT developing my own thing.

But then I know that itch will not just disappear – and so it will come back, leading me more disappointed that I ‘never did anything with it”

I know this is all very unreasonable and leads to nothing productive at all – just stress frenzy – and most importantly if it continues, I will be unable to focus on my husband, his healing – and being a good listener

WCC is a role I took – to achieve – if only fleeting – that feeling of unity. To seek this love of my mother (that doesn’t exist). I see this is innate. I understand that more daily.

>To go back to the post prior, the concept that those who lacked this love from their mother (like you and I) will often go and mistreat others.

Thank you for putting your personal example, of going out there to “make the wrong right for your mother.”

This is based on loyalty. And yes my loyalty still exists.

Of course it does, as you say there is nothing as strong as the love a child has for its mother. I observe and I see many examples of this around me. Adults, fully functional, living their adult life with “bias” “loyalty” or “predilection” based on how they were raised. Of course. This is the evolvement of a human, taking that what you were taught and incorporating your own flavor.

Trouble is this loyalty of mine – I only see superficially. I see it as appeasing my mother and being a good daughter in the way my mom wanted. I don’t see that this loyalty also includes abusive behavior. I felt that my abusive behavior was my projecting my own distress. But I see now that it is more than that. It is that plus the idea that others have done my mother wrong. Everyone has. So I can’t take someone’s kindness and niceness and appreciate it.  my drive to fight as WCC takes precedence. I am unable to love another person because that space – the space that would exist. Is filled with the warrior drive. Seeking for that lost love.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I think so too. The deep rooted loyalty I have to my mother makes it “impossible” to love someone else. Others may love their parents but also soon grow to love a spouse with equal or more respect and loyalty.

Yet in my world the mother voice was omnipresent. I was out there as warrior queen fighting battles to right all the wrong that was done to my mother (similar to you) – this also includes mistreating others. It includes mistreating others who have never harmed me, and have only loved me  (that part I am wrapping my head around)

Dear Anita,

Oh my goodness!!!! – never in the last 2 years of our conversing about this topic did I think of things in this way. Ever.

I loved her so much that I hated everyone. I wouldn’t love anyone because they all hurt her. I  was loyal to her that way. 

Anita…do you believe that I am still loyal to my mother, the mother voice? And that many of my actions,annoyances, and attacks on my husband – and the missing, just now developing full respect for him, as he has for me – has to do with this loyalty?

Dear Anita,

Explain to me, if you don’t mind, how the neglect from the parent, the person who didn’t love them before – is a powerful motivator.

Motivating millions of adult children to make their aging parents love them while neglecting and mistreating their spouses and their own children

Persistent tenacious amazing. Thank you. That sure means a lot- especially from you.

But I do worry Anita, worry that I will squander this new found trust. It is exactly right. It is a wounded and traumatized individual inching towards me with trust. Trying it out, building the strength to trust me again

yet I do not know/think if I am grounded enough just yet to harbor and protect this delicate and fragile trust. I do not know if I will respect it and cultivate it. I fear I will not and I will just throw and spill it in a frenzy. Back to my mental chatter and rush of life. I do sense I will do that…i don’t just worry / I feel I will.

Dear Anita,

I read your last post a few times this weekend. In fact, every time I read it, I took something new for me. This last time I read it, it is quite late at night, I woke up in the middle the night with a lot of my mind. I reread your post. The last line is what I feel is your major question, what is the real thing? What about the real thing, real interaction? In your scenario, I am throwing something out there, whether it is to my mom or to strangers, throwing them a bone, saying, look at me I have knowledge I am relatable, will you catch it, how’s that sound to you? Does it sound palatable? Does it make me you happy? Perhaps I drive a portion of my self-worth from this, given that it was so important to appease my mother, and give her information that would make her happy perhaps I am still doing this out in my own world.

So you asked, what about the real thing. Interesting you ask. I have managed to have a good amount of real relationships. At this point in my life I have done a pretty good decent job waiting out the relationships that are not the real thing. There are friends who came into my life through the 20s that serves a different purpose is whether it was friends of convenience or situational, friends of glitter and not much substance outside of funny, or simply people that you no longer have anything in common with.  I am waiting out many of these people these days as you know. But the question remains what about the real thing? Well the first thing that comes to mind when you asked this is my husband. The only true real thing, relationship, to the realist extent is the one between my husband and I. And based on this conversation and what we spoke about this weekend, this need to speak and connect with others. I noticed that I don’t take this realist relationship to be up as much substance and worse as it really is. I believe that throughout my life the realist relationship is what I loaded by all of the non-real relationships. I can think back to my high school and college boyfriend, I have mentioned him in the past, I was so hung up on these so-called friends to really give him the respect and validation he deserved. Let’s fast forward to now, I’m not that different. I will say that I blame some of this on the society we live in, social media obsessed etc. But for me, are those distractions, societal Ways, societal pushes perhaps more of an issue? As in, I am I am more prone to being distracted by such things because I am already outwardly? Yes that makes sense, but I think that instead of focusing on the triggers that make the baseline problem worse. I need to once and for all look at the baseline problem. Like we have been in our exercises. Let’s say that we are analyzing a girl, she has trouble focusing on her boyfriend, and instead as I was on the phone with a myriad of friends and family. She is also on Facebook constantly commenting and doing this and that. It is easy to look at her and say she needs to shut down the phone, and the Internet.

But over the weekend when I was analyzing this, I thought about, what is more important is why is she always on the phone and Internet. Does she perhaps have a fear that if she does not connect with these people all the time that they will no longer be her friends? Is she perhaps so tuned into these things because they are a source of her validation, such as being liked on social media? Or lastly, if she simply unable to focus on one thing at a time, easily getting bored by someone finding needs to entertain herself constantly with variety? Maybe it is many of these things.

When it comes to me I have noticed, in the small observation over the weekend that it is simply uncomfortable to focus on one thing. I think that in the past it felt too simple, it felt like something would be missing or that I was missing something better side.  A simple analogy is like this, it’s like feeling that if you go on a long walk, you were warned her the whole time if the food in the oven at home is cooked enough or if you should have put on the timer for long. But when you get back the food is fine, or the food is not fine but it had nothing to do with your walk, or most importantly there is no food in the oven at this later time, but you’re mine still goes there.

the feeling of seeking and needing to escape does come from the frenzy of the mind. This escaping has never led me to any place of productivity. Of course not.

So the real thing is diluted by the seeking and escaping. I have been more mindful over the last few weeks about my interaction with my husband and quality time. I have been doing a good job. Yet – I know that it feels like a full time job to do so. It is effort because it is not innate or natural. And that is okay.

I also know that it is innate for me to be distracted away from him at the drop of a hat and find myself occupied by some other thing/person/idea.

It almost feels like my entire attention us to go to this these days, but yet there are a few other things on my mind that I also want to attend to, one of which is developing my wellness program. It sounds silly, how to be a good wife but simultaneously also develop a business? To me it almost seems impossible at this time given that I am in the middle of the healing journey. Perhaps if I had already conquered/or already had the tools set in place to have a healthy marriage and be a loving doting wife that is supportive and not attacking etc – I could move on to another goal and balance. perhaps I am unable to at this moment..

Anyway I don’t want to distract this conversation with the idea of a potential business. I want to first focus on talking about the meat of all of this, the idea of real interactions, and then perhaps I can tell you a little bit more about my plans

i