Dear Anita,

I think so.   I always listen to her.  She always wants to talk to me, so I listen.  She needs me, so she can talk to me – because all of those people are bad.

I know that sometimes when we are with other people she is happy.  sometimes those people make her sad later.

I try to do what will make her happy

Dear Anita,

yes, her voice sounds like it will break.  so I want to ask her why.  it is because all of those people are so mean to us, you know.

her sister called today and said something so bad, and made us not invited to the party this weekend. my mom is so sad.  her voice is going to break.  when my dad comes home maybe he will help her. but sometimes he gets mad – because this stuff always happens.

Dear Anita,

I see someone with a nice smile, a big smile.  I see someone also with small scared eyes.  I have big eyes, hers are smaller, more hidden, they look scared.  I feel happy that my mom is in front of me, sometimes I get scared without her.  I feel she is my friend.

Dear Anita,

I hope you had a pleasant weekend.  I hope you were able to enjoy some fresh air, and also observe your thoughts without getting too bogged down.  I hope this same for myself – and it did happen.

Yes, you are right, I AM becoming more than that role of Super Cali Chica.  That role has a delusional way of telling me that it is in fact super, and great, and highest pinnacle of what to strive for.  But Anita, that role is — BS.

The work we have done over the last month has been incredible.  Do you recall (don’t know exactly what date but I can go back and look) the day I stated: I feel I am at a plateau.

I was.

I knew there was the next step, and deeper understanding – but I could not access it.

You helped me get there.  The exercise (of my speaking to you as young Cali Chica) has been incredible.  Beyond what I thought.  I answer you, and you answer back.  But whats more is that throughout the day I notice I carry it with me.  If i saw a child, after having a conversation with you about how my mother didn’t come after me when I went into hiding – I would ponder what that child is thinking.  If he simply needs someone to ask him what’s wrong?

This pondering, thinking, in a different light has given me more tenderness for myself.  Last week you stated: I am sorry for what has happened to you (and to yourself) by mothers such as ours.

And it is true, it is sorry, I am sorry – and it is sad.  I am able to better accept this.  And I notice 1% of the hardness dissolving.  Slowly I notice it- and this right here – well it is the real work.

dear Anita,

I also wanted to mention how people like (us) (assuming you may be similar) are hyper-aware of our surroundings. Often extremely conscientious, not wanting to offend others – very aware of how another is perceiving us.  i notice this is quite uncommon in the world, and it is truly no benefit for myself/us either.

I notice how  we navigate the world with so much fear, so much concern – of course we are hardened, how could we not be…

even writing this – makes me feel hard, annoyed for us – yes for us

Dear Anita,

chemical habit yes, chemical habit continues whether there is “fire” or not.

so with that the intention remains—? the intention is based on frenzied energy fueled by a chemical habit

not from authentic need..

Dear Anita,

yes you are so correct!

i want to go back to the example that you stated about my intention.  thank you for bringing up this real life example.

I was focused on my “friend” on the other side of the world – and her party that was not important at all.  not to anyone, but I made it ‘important” in my own head.  To distract away from the true importance, the true thing, my team

interesting, you would think if there was a true team you were apart of, that you would naturally be inclined to focus on that, and not the “noise”  – yet my inclination is the exact opposite! i wonder when that formed..as a pathway..and habit for me..

Dear Anita,

I want to add to my above question/comment.

I take it that you mean that: my mother invested in spur of the moment ways to reduce her emotional distress, such as projecting out, acting out, putting on performances, fleeing, acting, etc. none of these were authentic, and none of these led to any appropriate long lasting results.

Unlike her, I should engage in activities and behaviors that are more fruitful — a win-win for me, this is the part where I now pause