Dear Anita,

It sure does make for an agitated brain.  Of course my brain is constantly wavering and up and down.  Of course there is usually a constant state of unease/anxiety.  Of course.

I would like to resume the exercise:

I’ll start by saying:

my mom always gets amazed by other people, she says oh my look how amazing that person is and what they did. but she also gets sad that she never did any of that stuff

Dear anita,

Yes, it does hurt to be hit where soft.

As far as my husband, my father praised him so much – and often put me down – until the very end – when things got bad during the wedding planning – not that they werent to begin with but you know what I man, at that time it was full out against him.

Heres an example of the back and forth, cruel unpreditable wavering behavior.

My in laws were once at my house and we had gotten into a big argument regarding the hotel accommodations for guests for the wedding, My father started exclaiming to my in laws – well fiances parents at the time —

“what kind of daughter treats her own parents like garbage.  look at this! do you see her.  she is an embarassment.  I dont know what we did so bad in this life to deserve her.”

my in laws were speechless..

yet weeks later, the above example, him exclaiming that his daughter had to settle because she is old and no longer capable of finding someone better – sigh, what a tragedy for her

Dear Anita,

The work is happening and I love it.

I had a dream, or something of that sort, right before I woke up.  It was my father talking to me, scolding me, as an adult, in real life at this age – as though  Iwas a child.  At first glance it felt normal, obvious – this is what happens.  But as I began to “awaken” more whether it was awaken from sleep – or in my dream…I thought of this:

my parents “tried” to raise a good child, not a good adult

I read this last night before falling asleep.  In reality my parents didn’t really try to raise a good child for the sake of the child – but that we know.  But in terms of this dream, and my point this morning – I was treated as a child.  I did not know this.  I thought it was caring parents.

In this dream my father is scolding me, big red bulging eyes – anger – fire steaming.  I am there, crouching slightly as I am scolded.  At the same time there is a twinge of guilt and sadness in my fathers eyes – almost saying I am so angry but so sad! I don’t know what to do – how to react – but ROAR.

My father – was angry from a world of repressed emotions starting from his childhood.  It is a fact, and the way he treated us was as an “adult” if it was convenient – but as a child if there was something that made him uncomfortable – which happened the majority of the time.

I of course struggle with many adult things i.e. how to balance a marriage, focus on my husband – because I was raised as a child, the whole time.

Dear Anita,

I agree. Thank you.

It has got me thinking some things, and I will ponder and let it sink in.

Dear Anita,

I am messy too Anita – my mom always says how I am the messy one in the family.  Sometimes I don’t care and we are having fun.  but other times I watch them and make sure, or else my mom will get mad.  if we ruin something nice of hers she will get mad too.

sometimes I think like my mom “look at them making a mess in our house, if it was their house they would be more careful. how rude”

Dear Anita,

yes I am worried sometimes about this.  that in the moment we are all having fun, even my mom – but later on she will get annoyed and mad.  and say to my dad “look at these girls, they live like its a hotel here. even their friends! what do those girls mothers do?! they relax and enjoy I bet – theyre not slaves like me.”

Dear Anita,

My mom sits on the deck with us (she doesn’t swim).

She talks to my friends a lot, asks them questions – we all talk together.  Sometimes she asks them a lot of quetions, about their mom and life.  and we talk together.  it is fun.

afterwards she will talk about it all day.  like oh look at kristen, she has so muc hfun with her family.  or oh look at kristen, her mom is divorced and she doesn’t even take kristen anywhere.  or anything.

my mom gets very involved – and all of my friends love my mom because she has so much fun with us.  we all talk like we are friends – she is funny and silly with us too

Dear Anita

I usually just play with my cousin.  We have fun together, and we play away from the adults.  But sometimes if someone is mean, like my aunt – then I feel bad like my mom.  I see them beingmean.

it is confusing Anita, let’s say we are heading to my aunts house.  my mom is so happy to go, she has been cooped up in the house all week, and says how she is lonely and doesn’t get to go out like other people with a job.  so when we go to my aunts house it is so much fun, and she is happy I have company too with my cousin.  all fine.

but other times if we go there, my aunt may “taunt” us.  my dad always uses this word so i will use it to.  they taunt us by saying something such as “oh yes youre having so much fun here, isn’t it much better than that big lonely house of yours – you seem to always want to be here instead.”

this is true maybe, but sad.  then on the way home my mom is sad and mad at that.  so then she changes her mind and says ” we won’t go there anymore!!! why should i be insulted! after all we do for them (my dad always helps them with medical stuff because they don’t have much money) and then i think about how sad it is that theyre like that…