Dear Anita,

She too, did whatever she wanted -and she slept fine at night.  Yes Anita, she slept sound like a baby.  It was only in her speech and drama that she was distressed, she did not lose sleep over this, or have true empathy for her daughters.

Sometimes I feel I lack empathy for my husband too – as I’ve mentioned before — not really processing what he is saying even though I listen, like yesterday.  Feeling detached/disconnected.  But I see now this is the product of hardened SCC and as in our exercise, the roughness and hardness that I attained after all the years of being “pounded” by the mother voice.  Perhaps deep down under there there is true emotion and empathy, hidden under the fog and stone.

Bit by bit chip away at the untruths until you have nothing but the truth and your anger will diminish.

Yes, and perhaps anger will diminish and true emotions of CC will emerge…

You will see how she harmed you with injustice practiced against you 

I thought of this right before I read this post! How interesting, in sync again.  I was about to say – perhaps my anger is not directed at all at the subway or corporations but at my mother – perhaps it is all anger at my mother and what she “did” to me – and it is manifesting in every other way…what do you think? and so there like you said the focus in many ways is to “undo her damage” – and seek out the truths in reality, and differentiate them from the lies she told me in that context.

No Anita, she did not allow me to sit at all – ever.  Never.

I was never able to, and never have, sat in peace. Ever. 

Dear Anita,

Okay here goes, I have my eyes closed to better access and get into the situation

god, this is annoying, some people just act however they want adn theyre fine, and they always go to sleep at night – and me, i get so worried and stressed.

and what kind of world is this, where people treat each other like garbage?!! where I ask a young man kindly to allow an elderly lady to sit in his spot on the subway, advocating the elderly lady who looked at me, and he is angered and inflamed and pretty much curses us off.  what kind of world do we live in, so inhumane. i don’t want to live in a world like this.

and gosh, we as doctors, who do our jobs as public servants, are treated with no respect, it isnt about money and power – its that corporations treat us like cogs in a wheel – churn churn churn they say.  here these big finance execs are getting company cars and dinner and showered with compliments and bonuses, and as a physician to get a cup of coffee – well even thats a lot to ask for.  i know its especially bad in nyc, the environment for physicians, and the culture, cut throat.

but gosh after all this training why should we be treated so poorly – it is unfair.

Dear Anita,

No, i do not always feel “no bitterness” – so yes I do feel bittnerness at times.

Sometimes I feel a true closeness, but many times I feel a bitterness – more of an annoyance.

It does depend on who it is, when I can intellectually connect with someone on the same level, whether it is based on emotional conversation or otherwise.

But when I feel a disconnect in the sense that the person does not understand a similar: pace of life, stress level, etc – then sometimes I feel annoyed/frustrated and don’t particularly want to converse more.

Its like this: my friend visiting tomorrow is a physician, who had a baby recently, and works hard to balance social life, family life, and his new child.  he and his wife are similar to my husband and I in that way/mentality. I feel a TRUE closeness to them, like a form of love.

Versus my friend S, she does not have a busy schedule, often her biggest complaint is that she is bored at work – or that her fiance and her didnt have that many plans over the weekend — entirely opposite of my life.  In these scenarios this person is not so relatable and so I sense a bit of annoyance rising…

I know I may not be explaining it to well – but I’ll start from here…

Dear Anita,

Good morning.

Thank you for the work we have done over the last few weeks.  I notice that when I stepped away, yesterday and the day prior – how difficult this work is.  It is the real work. Diving in. Deep.

I spoke with my husband yesterday.  I have been concerned about his job, the new one he started this past January since moving back to NYC.  It has a toxic environment, a lack of respect, and long story short — just negative.  I expressed this, and while doing so – got riled up about negativity in general.

It started a conversation – that although not new – I “heard” for the first time.  In the past I have not been listening, never listening to my husband.  Listening to the mother voice, but not to the real voice/the sound voice outside.  Floating through the world – whether in NYC, Africa, anywhere, doing anything – plugged into the mother voice.

He expressed that the most difficult thing for him is my attitude.  That work is a toxic environment, and he will get to a solution, but that the most difficult aspect is: how it feels like I can never be happy.  My constant negative comments about everything – and never seeing the glass half full, always finding something to pick at or complain about.  Its the constant negativity that is far more draining than anything to him.

In addition,

He spoke about how he feels that my behavior is erratic, and it has been for a long time – but for a few months there over the winter he noticed it got better.  but recently is back to that rollercoaster/up and down.  A week will be calm and good and well balanced, for example a full fridge great with chores etc – normal.  The following week can be a mess, empty fridge, all over the place.

He didn’t mean this in the sense of housework or cooking/cleaning – but just the indication that there is an imbalance/inconsistency – and as a result, he never knows what to expect.

He stated he doesn’t know if he is going to come home to angry CC, or overly happy CC. Angry CC or ecstatic CC – living with that unpredictability is exhausting.

—-

Now Anita,

This is not the first time that we have had this conversation – in fact it might be the 5th at least.  But this time I listened.  And you know what – it is hard to listen to, not because the truth hurts – but it feels like this: words but difficult to feel their weight.  Similar to when I used to tell you it was difficult to feel true emotion: sad/joy whatever good or bad – it felt similar.

For the first time intellectually processing, to a point, the words coming out of his mouth – but still feeling a disconnect/disassociation to the true weight of them.  I have a feeling you know what I mean when you read this.

Anyway – I want to work on this.  And you know what first comes to mind when I say that out loud to you on paper:

“I want to work on this not because he told me this, but because I should.”

I am so quick to react—that I need to do something for me and not for someone else.  So quick to combat.

I guess I’ve been in war for a long time.

Anyway, his words are not an opinion alone – they are true Anita.  They are not new news – and they are true.  I have been working so hard on this healing journey, that I sometimes don’t realize how I actually come off to the real world – my husband/not strangers, patients, colleagues, friends.  No, the real stuff – what I come home and talk about, how negativity and anger spews from me.

Dear Anita,

It doesn’t take much to hurt a child and there is plenty of hurting in almost every home, if not in every single one.

wow – you are right…yes you are and I see it all around me, but because of the mother voice – I focus more on what everyone does right/ (and what we do wrong based on mother voice).

Thank you for this reminder.

I will let it savor.

I want to also ask you something – what I asked my mom:

Why should we be positive/optimistic?

Dear Anita,

I did not mean to !!

I have had this conversation about S sooooo many times with so many different people throughout life.  So perhaps I feel “immune” to it / it isn’t too important to dissect her as her life is entirely different than mine/ as is her brain.

Does that makes sense?

As in, I used to spend endless amount of time worrying and thinking about this sort of thing and how the brains of other people unlike me work, and how they process things.  But I have learned now – that it is useless.  AS it doesn’t lead to anything productive, help me heal/learn, or do much of anything.

We have to follow our own path, based on our own past, and our own brain chemistry i.e. what works for me, what heals me.  what exercises are appropriate for me.  no use in trying to get on someone else’s path.

dear Anita,

I entirely agree, and you are right about the Teflon.  I think I missed a key point here when explaining S to you.

She does not suffer every day. She is content, and happy. (and i do love S and am glad for that as she should not suffer)

I do.

My life is not inferior – but i do.

Why? because of trauma – and also because of emotional intelligence, because of awareness, because of drive, because of programming, and yes because of the mother voice.

Dear Anita,

Do you mind rephrasing your question?  I don’t think I understand it fully.