Dear Anita,

yes one day i will be a grown up. i will

i don’t think about that too much though – because for now i am small

Dear Anita,

i played outside this weekend, i layed on the grass, it was wet – butthats okay its outside.  it was nice.

i walked around the park too and it is fun sometimes to find new places, it feels like a magical adventure it is good.

in the summer this is fun. in the winter you have to be inside

Dear Anita,

shoulders are small and soft.

no weight on the shoulders, nothing pushing down I’ll say- —  feeling soft and small – and light. not heavy.

not feeling bad, feeling bad, just having fun. playing outside and having fun.

Dear Anita,

I hope you had a good long weekend.  I took my time to reply to you.  For many reasons, that I would like to outline, for you and myself – for myself because it taught me the idea of letting a concept (that may not be easy to grasp or innate) sink in.  To play with the concept in the morning and night, on this day and that day. With people around, and in solitude.  What comes up? It takes time for this, often more than a few days of course.

I thought about the exercise we have been doing, and how it has been profound.  How it has created a shift in my thinking from: “what is wrong right now always” to “what based on my history and childhood makes me interpret right now as wrong.”

It isn’t perfect, but the fact that this change even happened at ALL – is profound – to me.

I talk to you a lot about present.  This person and that. This thought and that.  Good days and bad days.  Some times of the month.  Of course I do – we all do.  We live now, so of course we talk about now.  We hurt now, so of course we talk about now.  We go to the doctor because our stomach hurts now, not because what hurt 5 years ago!

But mental health is funny, our brains are funny.  What is occurring now can often trick us – can convince us that now is everything – an alarm to say – look at this right now it is everything!!!

But our exercise and recent talks has taught me more, and made me slightly wiser.  Of course because of the wisdom imparted by you.  I notice how in our last conversation, last week, I spoke to you about my husband and what he stated, I spoke to you about how I view friendships — and the last piece of our conversation was about embracing that young Cali Chica.  Loving her, letting her know all will be okay.

It all goes back to her, the young Cali chica. the child.  The child under the mother.

The child.

I thought about her a lot this weekend. I thought about her when my friends came over with their own child, a 5 month old infant.  I thought about her when I watched my friend with this child.  I thought about her when I enjoyed myself at a picnic as my friend fussed over this child.  I thought about her when I made sure my friends were relaxed at dinner although with a small child.  I thought about her when they left, and I cleaned the apartment the next day.  I thought about her when I went to the fridge for a snack, and sat in peace.

I thought about her yesterday, at a hair salon – of all places.  It was about to close, and I was one of the last clients there.  Getting a last minute slot for a haircut before the summer.  I sat for a moment while the hairdresser went to grab something. Seemingly alone in a huge NYC salon, the different smells, chemicals, some staff on the other side scurrying around trying to clean up before close.  Bright lights, so many different fixtures.

I am closing my eyes while I write the next part, without editing:

I thought aoubt how I am small.  No I am not just small in stature and petite.  I am small. Small and sweet and kind.  I am as mall child.  I do not feel bad about being a small child. Somehow I know I am a small child.  It is an understanding, children know they are children. I don’t wish to be big like my mommy. No I know I am smll and I am in a way okay with it.

But Anita.

The world did not allow me to remain small.  Even though I am small.  my mother forced me to be big.  So even when innately I am small and perfectly okay with being small, I had to reach out my arms and come out ofthat cozy shell and jump and be big..  Big and jump. Jump Jump Jump.  Like a small turtle coming out of its warm cozy shell. Out in the world okay I am here.  So am I big all of a sudden? I don’t know.  Be big she said.  It is foolish to be small!!! Be big! you are too good to be small.  Only foolish people are small.  Only people without your amazing qualities are small! but you!! You can be big, so you should be big..  You mustnt be small. Being small is quitting.

But Anita…I am not big…I am small.

For I was okay being small – I was not trying to be big at all.

I just perhaps want to be small.

Dear Anita,

I will aim at feeling empathy for this young girl, this young girl who was treated way. But I will try to hold her in my arms and tell her it is OK. Honestly I feel very lost even writing this because it seems so foreign to me to feel this sort of empathy – for my own self. I have no idea where to begin.

To add, perhaps I do not feel comfortable with happy go lucky and calm – so I feel the need to attack and “uncover the bad” just like my mother did in above scenario.  Perhaps only this feels “real” and all else is fake/stupid.

Dear Anita,

yes, and interestingly I quickly feel guilty.  In a way perhaps I am too scared/guilty to be happy as I then don’t want tobe like “those” people.

Almost like an over compensation – finding ways to be unhappy to maintain loyalty to my mother…

I think you may agree..thoughts?