Dear Anita,

sure it could be worse. Oh so much worse. For myself. Perhaps for you too?

but where does that lead us?

yes perhaps I am resentful at my husband because he is the others. Calm cat.

Perhaps if he was angry and cynical and harsh I wouldn’t react the way I do to him – ironically if he was this way – I would be the one being treated like that by him likely.

I don’t believe in religion too much and I try not to be lofty. But I do believe I met him for a reason, for without him I wouldn’t have the love foundation and support to make the big decision I did. Or perhaps I would have regardless if I was single or married to someone else who knows.

Point is I am lucky to have him and also lucky to have his parents, my family. My actual support.

I take this for granted as my mind is fixated on all else. What is wrong and the anger. I forgive myself for that – as the healing path is new. Everything that I Am in this exact moment does not define me forever. No it does not.

I will focus on understanding that good little Cali Chica more. And understanding that this little girl needs rescuing. She does. She did then. And she does now.

Dear Anita,

I thought occurred to me after I submitted the last post.  A fleeting thought that  came like a meteor and passed:

Perhaps I don’t give my mother the credit she deserves (by credit it meant blame) Perhaps I still cover up for her.

Then the thought left.

I analyzed it – is it true? Hmm noo…I am quite open about the destruction she caused and how she has no place in my life. When she called my friend S to “ask about me” I made it known to my friend that none of my mothers gestures are kind and harmless.

If someone was to ask me why I don’t speak to my mother, I would explain it without flinching, without guilt, without an unsteady unsure, insecure answer…

But then why this meteorite thought? (we can’t believe all of our thoughts, but these types of things that come in my head and leave are often understandings I am missing)

So I thought about my inner dialogue.  Sure I explain to others (if situation arises) but what do I tell myself.

So S (that same friend) got engaged recently.  It was perfect and intimate and about HER AND HIM, not tainted by crazy parents.

When I talked to her on the phone about it, I was so happy and excited, we talked for some time.  When my husband spoke to me after I got off the phone – he seemed down.  He explained (as now he has gotten pretty good at explaining his feelings -go figure – lots of practice) he said how it made him kinda sad/upset to see me so excited for my friend, yet all of our proposal did not exude any real emotion out of me.  That I was more excited to send pictures and call people and tell them about it, then savor the moment with him.

He’s right.

But I became defensive.  I said its because of the mental state I was in, the stress of the parents – how I was almost going through the motions because my parents had beaten the joy and anticipation excitement out of it.

But why didn’t I say (to him or in my head more importantly) – yeah screw those idiotic “mf B****S” that screwed our every moment up, who sucked our joy, like vampires.  yes you are right I wasn’t there I wasn’t truly happy – I wasn’t truly anything.

My point is not what I did or did not answer my husband, thats hardly the point as this is the past – but why wasn’t I filled with anger and rage!

Screw those horrendous socipaths – I would kick them if I could.  Sure I dont naturally use curse words like above, but its the point – where is that rage and anger?

Where is that – wow this people literally ruined my life, my proposal, my most important milestone of getting married, and the beginning of what could have been a “perfect” and calm and amazing marriage.  Every problem I have now is because of them.

Where is that anger towards the horrible people who did this?

Dear Anita – disregard the previous post, the formatting is off as the phone version of the site had a glitch – here it is again properly:

Dear Anita,

I had a lot of trouble answering this. Young Cali chica has no idea what it means for her mother to Muddy her heart. She thought the world about her mother, never once thinking otherwise. Adolescent quite similar. Sure as I got older I thought that my mom was crazy in so many ways, I knew that she had an issue, I knew that she was emotionally unstable, and I knew that she was difficult. But the concept that this woman has caused me, and suffering, and quite honestly ruined my life was never apparent. Ruined my life. What a concept. How dramatic the sounds. But if you think about it, if your own mother poisons you day in and day out isn’t that ruining of a life? What does it matter what your outward life shows if she poisoned your brain, if she led to neural pathways that are stuck and deeply ingrained and stubborn that lead you to suffering every day. That’s not really living.

If you asked me before what was better my life:  someone raised by an alcoholic mother, or a drug addict mother, or someone a mother, that’s life was a visible mess. Of course I would say my life, look at my parents, look how supportive they are look how organized, the dedicated their life to me. Those moms shouldn’t be mothers, maybe.

But what about mine.

this is not true. The only thing a child needs is love. Yes the other things can help, financial support, other source of support. But I am thinking about this in such a basic way, almost an animalistic way. A mother that kicks her cubs around versus a mother who simply supports them and allows them to cuddle with her. This mother doesn’t speak negatively every single day She may also not speak eloquently and amazing things. The point is it what she is NOT doing that is more important than all the lofty things she could do. It is not about the lofty things she says or the things she does.  It is about at the most basic things that are missing: love, support, respect. That is it.

Through our talks this week, I have realized I am deeply angered and negative. I have to mourn and grieve that anger towards my mother and the ill effect she’s had on me. You said this, I said this – it is the only way.

I felt some of it today. I felt angry and upset for being so stuck. Usually I feel angry at myself, why does my brain always go this route. Why can’t I pause it. Or actually Anita I should say —honestly I didn’t even think this way,even a step back, to me my brain was functioning was normal to me, because of course that was my normal. It’s not that I thought that I was so normal, it’s that I didn’t know any better so I thought that this daily suffering was inevitable. I used to think that there were things I had to change in my external life so that I could feel better, but no matter what I did or who I was with in my external life, where I was. I never felt better. Never. To this day it is the same isn’t it.

Because everything that I feel on a daily basis is the product of my brain.. it is the product of the mother voice. And nowadays with the awareness I have, it is a product of the mother voice beating down on me for all of these years. It is the product of trauma.

Anyway, this morning I felt some anger, I didn’t necessarily feel angry at myself but more of the situation, the concept of no matter where I go who I am with what I do I will always suffer. Life is one big ball of suffering/anxiety.  All else is behind the scenes.  All else doesn’t matter. My brain does not allow me to enjoy and be relaxed, my brain is angry and negative and mean. I Snap at my husband who is the most supportive person and I have literally tore him to shreds throughout the process. But yet it feels like I cannot control any of this ..like being possessed by a demon only spews negative Fire. controlled and possessed, stuck in this way.

I felt sad about this I felt angry about it. I felt like why do I have to live like this. I don’t want to live like this. I felt this anger come up it said: screw everyone I wish I could go into hiding on a solitary beach for a month. Suddenly I also started feeling angry at others, anyone who requires any bit of time and energy from me. I felt angry at them. I wanted to scream at them and say shut up shut up – go away for a few months.

But then I also knew that this was just anger, none of these people are harming me, I am already harmed. I am a hard person who is trying so hard to break out sometimes, and only knows how to throw punches. Just like a traumatized puppy. Barking and barking. barking at a stupid squirrel who did him no harm. Barking like a crazy dog, seeming so aggressive and confident but honestly traumatized and disheveled. Frenzied. frenzied dog.

I wanted to be in one of those moments that they have on TV, God I’m sick of living like this and then of course there is beautiful music and the person changes. But I know it doesn’t work like that. I also know that to a point it feels like being angry about being like this doesn’t necessarily take ownership. I am angry that my upbringing has led me to become such a negative angry warped person. I am angry that I cannot find joy in life like other people, I cannot walk out and go to the park and feel relaxed without a frenzied brain, relaxing on the outside, but not having my brain shut off – not thinking nice things.

So yes I am angry that over 30 years I have been trained to become this way. But I know that only I can change it. I also know that I wish I could have that aha moment, that says I am sick of being like this so I will make sure I am not like this anymore. But I know unfortunately that is far from true. Baby steps sometimes feel so useless. It feels like Five steps forward and six steps back or perhaps 1000 steps forward and 2000 steps back. Or sometimes only one step forward but two back.  Perhaps  sometimes I feel like there is no point because this is just how I am

Dear Anita,

my mom told me that i shouldnt play outside in my nice clothes and get them all muddy.  i was having fun with michael down the street – but he is naughty, a trouble maker.  we got full of mud and then when i came home my mom said that michael is not that good, and i shouldnt play with him like that where i make big messes

Dear Anita,

I absolutely agree.  I am working on accessing that hurt and anger, trying to access it and feel it.  The exercise, with young CC has helped – and has been a start. I like thinking about that, and perhaps next week we can continue that exercise too.  I will work on more ways to access it, I will.

I know there are guide ways that are utilized in psychotherapy, much of which is documented in books and on websites too.

I also know like yesterday, that alone time to ponder can bring up old memories, and perhaps over time, anger too.

Dear Anita,

Good point, there is a lot of anger underlying that dissociation, that keeps me away from true feeling.

The thing is, there is nothing about him that annoys me.  I mean of course there may be things here and there such as marriage life stuff. But no personalit ytraits.

It used to be a joke, that I create so many more scenarios or have traits that will provoke him.  Yet he is kind and understanding.

Perhaps sometimes I get annoyed that he is so nice that I worry he will be taken advantage of, such as at work – as he is in a pretty toxic work environment.

But to be quite honest, my projecting, anger, inflammatory snapping at him never has anything to do with a truequality or flaw of himself – it is usually redirected annoyance and anger.

Remember the scenario, when I came home and he asked whether he should order food or we should eat at home, and I snapped “angry that he would want to order when I had all this healthy food at home”

It wasn’t based on a real thing he did Anita, he did nothing wrong.  It wasn’t based on an annoyance of a personality trait he showed.  He wasn’t showing anything abnormal/personal.

Notice here, and usually always – it has nothing to do with him.

Dear Anita,

Happy Friday.  I took some time alone last night.  An hour or so before bed. Sitting in my bed, reading and writing – a nice candle lighting the room, a healthy glow, some rain outside.

I thought about a few things, and I wanted to cry – that feeling of so bad wanting to cry and let something out, not a full catharsis, as that is a high expectation, but something.  Have you felt like that before? Often… Iremember feeling like this all the time.

So I did what people do, I looked for something on TV that would help me cry – knowing that it would likely not work.

As I flipped through the channels, I came across an old movie i used to love in my childhood.  It described the movie and the synopsis under neath.  The movie is called The Little Princess.  It is about a girl who ends up living in and discovering India because her father is at some war.  I didnt remember much about it.

In the synopsis it says something about how at the end, the girl cries out and says “Papa! Papa!” as she finds out her father was lost in the war.

I didn’t remember this part of  the movie, but when I read it – I felt something strong.

I felt sadness for my father, I thought about how he was abused as a child/more emotionally neglected and put down, and was treated poorly.  He then grew up to marry my mother who was of course abusive herself . He was a man that never healed.  He went from trauma to trauma, no understanding of his baggage, his anger – and lashing out, accumulating more trauma.  I felt empathy for this man, who unlike me, never gained awareness, or understanding – never did or would heal.  I felt empathy for his pain, and for his condition.

But I also saw reality, yes often the abused become the abusers – yes, more often than not – when they have not healed.  And how many people take the healing journey? I thought about the abuse he inflicted on me, as a puppet of my mother or not.  Regardless, the objective reality of his life, and the effect on my sister and I.  Crystal clear, someone tormented inside, projecting out hate and anger out to those vulnerable.

I did not feel sadness and empathy that I want to help this person, as he is not “helpable” but I did feel the above.

I thought about how similarly I have abused my husband, unhealed trauma/wounds/anger projected onto a loved one, someone innocent and supportive.  This did not make me cry or feel empathy – as in the past – it did not feel like anything.  It was not associated with sadness and guilt – as I know I am dissociated from that.

I know over time I will feel more when it comes to the treatment of my husband, I hope I do.  I know that then, and perhaps only then, I will truly change my behavior to him, as in definitively see a shift, and be much more mindful.

For now, it is not that different from my father, myself being full of trauma, and not seeing the effects it has on those around me clearly.

Dear Anita,

I have started some recent research on accessing this.  I have not come across those exact books yet, but I am sure I will.

I brought this up because you brought up the importance of accessing young cali Chica to me, thank you.

Back in present day,

My husband and i spoke again and we talked about how it is stressful for him, my erratic/frenzied energy.

Sometimes, I feel  I am “doing  better” but I realize I still come across this way – projecting this frenzy.  It is not that I want to inhibit it per se, but perhaps channel it better.  Sure yoga, exercise, etc helps – but I notice I still am not entirely aware of it.

Perhaps it really boils down to, pinching myself before I speak – as in, really thinking – is what I am about to say next a knee jerk from frenzy, or a thought out response of meaning (useful).