please disregard above, the formatting was off as I wrote it on my phone. here it is again, unedited (minus format)

Anita

I’m doing such hard work this morning. How do I know it’s hard work. Because I am thinking and shifting. I am talking to my brain. I am not letting the stupid parrot on my shoulder dictate all my thoughts this morning. I am not letting the parrot bobble My head back and forth left and right without reason. What a waste of movement. Left and right no wonder my neck hurts. No wonder!

A thought is going in. S is engaged and on cloud 9. She’s happy. She feels joy. I was robbed oh this joy. All of these previous moments we’re robbed of joy for me because stupid parrot kept pecking. Pecking and pecking until I bled. Peck peck peck away. Peck at my golden daughter. Peck at her o want more more more stupid parrot said. As it became engorged and fatter and more threatening. And as I withered away. Shoulders stooped over, head hanging low.

Are you happy parrot. Are you happy. Did you get what you wanted. You pecked and packed and pecked.

And all for what. All for NOTHING!!!

Why do we torture our daughters. When we are unhappy why do we torture these sweet souls. They are just trying to keep their head above water. Swim swim. They can’t. Pecking away at them. Drowning them.

Dear Anita,

I know you will not read this until the morning. I want to do a practice now a days. About validity, about roots. I want to see the root. when I feel frustration beyond a reasonable norm. If I feel annoyance thats targeted at someone that doesn’t make sense. Or is invalid. I want to know what is valid and where it is coming from.

here goes

I am sad that I did not enjoy my wedding. I am sad that despite all of our efforts to do everything the best, I was robbed of something very simple, joy. So many people too far less, most people do for less, but they experience so much joy. I am not saying that I deserve more joy because we did more, perhaps had a more extravagant wedding. Joy does not work like this it is not linear or proportional or exponential. If that was the case all Hollywood celebrities and rich people would be overwhelmed with joy all of the time, clearly they are not. I am getting off track. I feel sad, I feel sad that so many people do not criticize them selves day in and day out. They have confidence. Some of these people have confidence and you may not even know it. They are not self deprecating, they love themselves.  They have joy and love for their own self and life. How is that?

I’m not saying that everyone is happy go lucky, I am saying this. It saddens me when I see people who have circumstances perhaps for less than mine, but they feel so much joy. It doesn’t saddens me because I am jealous of them, it saddens me because I feel like wow if I was in that situation I would probably not be happy because I am in the situation and I am still unable to be happy. And then I realize it has nothing to do with the situation, I am unable to be happy because I was cursed with trauma. I guess that’s what it is. It is sad that no matter where I go or what I do or who I am or who I am with I will be unhappy. It is sad to get reminders from the outside sometimes when I see people have joy so easily. And look how much I do and still no joy. I’m not doing all this to create joy or to seek it. No. I am just me and living life to my potential let’s say. what I am saying is that despite all that I have there is no joy.  I am stuck, I am under all of this glue, it is a sticky stickiness.

Dear Anita,

Oh beautiful.  Thank you for sharing with me the beginning of your healing journey.

You know, I think a lot about what you mean – the importance of healing in a safe relationship.  I honestly sometimes don’t realize this as it is easy to “take it for granted”

Interesting how we both started our respective journeys around the time we got married.  I can see how that was a beginning for both of us, and like you stated – a safe place for us to heal – we are lucky to have supportive spouses.

I will work on reminding myself the importance of this healing in a safe relationship.  However, I must keep it safe by not abusing my husband (as my mother abused me).  Safety is a two way street.

Dear Anita,

You are right! Once again!

I am doing the work. Day in and day out.  Sometimes it feels like work – real work!

Sometimes it doesn’t.  I notice when it doesn’t now – after the fact of course.

Such as when I turned down plans this weekend (may sound small to another person) but we both know my background and tendency to “fly into” Super Woman – Super Cali Chica mode!

It was natural – the answer I mean.  Do I want to do this? nope…

It didn’t take long to know the answer – nope – it doesn’t often.

It’s just that before the “answer” was hidden beneath mountains of guilt, burden, and trauma.

Healing nowadays is day in and day out, uncovering trauma.

Dear Anita,

Good morning.  Yes, dog walkers can make a great living in this city – charging cash for walks and building up a great business.  I often joke that I should be a dog walker instead! And yes, that sentiment is common in this city – bragging and talking about status or money.

But hey – everywhere you go there is good and bad.  I used to focus on the idea of what a place is by the stereotypes – and sure they influence your experience.  But I am slowly learning that I am the experience.

I am my own experience.

Yes laying in the grass, playing.  This weekend we made ZERO plans with others.  My husband was not on call, and it was a relaxing weekend just us 2 and the dog.  We ran in central park, then stopped played ball with the dog, walked some more, and wandered around.  My favorite thing – since I was young Cali Chica, wandering around outdoors in the beautiful weather – no sense of the time!

I said no to a few invites for dinner or drinks.  At first feeling guilty, but quickly remembering that its an invite for something fun.  This isn’t my mom asking me to come over, and then one hour guilt trip about how everyone else’s daughters come over and are dedicated, and how I am too busy with my own life to care about her (her who did everything).

Also, my friendship with this person does not depend on how many times I say yes.  An understanding person (which all of my friends are – the ones who weren’t or are selfish are no longer in my life) is not pushy and judgmental.  These people too have their own lives – we are all adults.

So, quality time was great.  Quality time in a busy city – even better.

I will work on this over the summer, when it is possible – to protect my time with my husband – to make it quality.

Dear Anita,

This reads to me when I was in Portland Oregon years ago.  Beautiful scenery and breweries, dog friendly.  I recall being at such a place.

I too, love sitting at bars and restaurants at the counter/bar. Often chatting with the servers when they are maknig drinks, and yes, seeing people come and go.  It is very lively.  Good ambience.

Its not often that I choose a table that is more secluded, for privacy – as I enjoy the lively ambience when I step out to eat or drink.

This time of year many of the NYC bars and restaurants have outdoor seating that is quite full.  We sometimes bring my dog, depends on the scenario.  Often there are many people with dogs and it is fun.

My favorite thing to do is sit in Central Park and have a picnic.  When my friends were over with their infant a few weekends ago, we did this.  I had a large spread of food and snacks, we had blankets, and games, and wine and cheese.  Perfect sunny day.  The dogs playing and the baby enjoying as well.  It was a great day.

Dear Anita,

I had many interactions yesterday.  Some more with patients, uneventful for the most part.  I then met with someone who I now consider somewhat of a mentor.  She is in the wellness industry from a non medical side (more fitness and marketing etc)

We had a good positive talk.  Yes, I feel lucky to have her – someone to bounce ideas off – and that can help me navigate the world of entrepreneurship/wellness.  One step at a time of course.

i thought about redefining: luck and love

How I have had love and luck around me my whole life – I have been “lucky” in that way (for lack of a better term).

I have had luck and love around me, but unable to receive that love and appreciate it – to focused on the hate, that mother taught.  Not even knowing I was doing this of course.  Thinking gosh theres no love or luck, sigh.  But in fact having it all around me, but being blind.

Even present day with my husband – a good example of having difficulty accepting and receiving love – and of course even more difficult to GIVE love.