Dear Anita,

Do you see this? or my new thread?

I just got this strange feeling that the thread collapsed and the website was gone – and we were never able to communicate again! Oh what a terrible feeling, I felt “gasp” god I really hope that does not happen!

Dear Anita,

Oh my! perhaps, you are right. Oh I wish I could just press print and this whole Self Trust would print out.  Shall I start a new thread? I will..

Dear Anita,

I would like to go down this road:

I was thinking some time ago, why it is that your husband married you after experiencing what he experienced with you and with your family, why did he… an emotionally healthy man will not do that, don’t you think?

• • He states he did it (this has come up a lot especially when he began to be more resentful) because he truly loves me.  He had hope and he saw past the bad.  He saw someone in need of help and tried his hardest and mightiest.  He often feels like a fool because all his love and patience for me was taken and thrown on the floor and stomped on.
• so the answer is he had true blind love towards me, and even despite all that stood by my side.  when he gets very angry he makes comments on how it was foolish as he didn’t see how bad he was treated until now sometimes.

What are your feelings toward your mother at this point, and is she okay with no contact with you for the rest of her life..  has she reached out beyond communicating a bit with that friend of yours.. is she still talking to your sister about you.. what is the status on this?

• She has not reached out beyond that communication of calling my friend (S) that you know about.
  • Yes I am sure she asks my sister about me in especially snide ways, but my sister does not tell me. she knows thats the rule.  my sister was just at their house this past weekend. my sister and i have a healthier interaction now, than when i first moved here and vented to you about her and her cries for help.  we have spent some good quality time together with boundaries, and enjoyed our dogs and company.  we definitely needed that space over the winter though – and she now has a great job, good group of friends, and very much her own life.

Dear Anita,

well the reason we broke up is because I “lost feelings” but not in the sense of “oh i don’t like you anymore”

I didn’t feel much at all – kind of like a numbness to be honest (in regards to no passion ,sexual feeling etc) at that time and age at 20 I felt perhaps it was because he was not the right person for me.

But then Anita, after the break up I suffered, oh I suffered so much.  Some of it pathologic in that I was ridden with guilt and regret from the mother voice (surprisingly my mother wasn’t so involved in this and didn’t have much comment) but also I truly truly missed this person.  This best friend, this person I grew up with, this beautiful soul and companion. Oh how I suffered, oh how I felt I made a terrible mistake.  Oh how I felt I would never find something like this again and “feel” like that.

Interesting how after the fact perhaps (looking back) I was heart broken, because I truly loved this person maybe deep down, but maybe not in a way I could understand as I didn’t “feel it”

Hello Anita,

I just read your reply, and of course! How important it is for you to understand this abuse, and also it will help me reflect on what happened.

I can think of some scenarios, I’ll begin:

Early early on, a really terrible one.  It was my birthday (this is way before my parents were involved at all, years before anythign you and i have spoken about in regards to my relationship with him). EArly dating birthday perhaps in the first year or 2 of dating.  He went all out.  It was a weekday in NYC and so he sent a sweet email or text about how  I should get dressed and meet him at 6 for a surprise.  So I go.  I notice that it is a restaurant I had already been to with him.  OKay.  So we proceed inside.  Looking back from the outside it goes like this.  CC sees that she’s already been to this restaurant she goes, “ugh gosh! couldn’t he be more creative!” we proceed to a private wine tasting with just a few other people.  CC doesn’t even enjoy the event, all she can think is, ugh there are so many amazing places in NYC why would he choose THIS.  CC proceeds to the dinner portion. Pouty face, trying to fake that she’s having fun.  Doting boyfriend says: “wasnt that fun!!” wide eyed bushy tailed sweetheart.  She tries to fake it and says, ya fun, but haven’t we been here before? He says yes but that was a private event – I thought you would enjoy it…dinner proceeds.  CC is terrible at keeping stuff to herself.  she blurts “i guess I thought you would do something more special.  I mean I have already been here.  I’ve had other boyfriends in the past take me to such unique places for my birthday, I guess I would expect that of you.”

doting boyfriend is shocked and heart broken, he looks like a puppy who was just kicked in the stomach.  CC sees this and knows in her head it was not nice or kind, but can not muster up anything genuine to say about it to be apologetic.  Clearly she said it so she isn’t apologetic, it wasn’t a mistake.  They procced through the surprise dessert, and they both put on a fake smile,  Hers fake – his defeated.  And take a picture bc the server says let me take a pic!

On the cab ride home, he is the most defeated person in the world (he is truly a sweet child that was slapped by his mother, the person he thought loved him the most)  when we arrive at his apartment he says — – well I do have one more thing for you.

I walk in and there is a beautiful package with a glistening gold bow – an exquisite looking gift, the kind you see in movies and the girl walks in and gasps.  CC is so surprised.  She does not have genuine joy for it, but she so surprised.  Does she feel a moment of remorse for being such a B****, perhaps in her head, but not a true heavy sadness or remorse in her heart.  Nope not at all.  She turns around and he is already in bed.  She tries to talk to him and say “oh my thank you, wow this is amazing, I’m sorry about all I said earlier – hey are you listening.”

He is so defeated that he is almost in tears (in the way a guy presents versus a girl).  Defeated is not even the right word – its beyond.  He is laying there, and says. I don’t think I can talk anymore – I think I’ll just go to sleep.

(i have a lot to say of the analysis of this- but I will hold that thought and wait for your reply)

Dear Anita,

I very much feel like sharing with you.

The reason I have not posted much in the last week – is because I was focused on your long post.  I would read it daily and have my fingers ready to type a response — -and no retract — and then again — and no retract.

It felt like there were no words good enough to respond or reflect, in addition, there was so much valuable information in it that i wanted to absorb it all.  Of course that comes with time, this isn’t a biology text book to memorize and regurgitate.

I would like to elaborate on my husband’s “condition”

So as you know, he over time has built up a lot of resentment towards me.  It is the sweet innocent puppy who after years of being kicked is now disgruntled and growls at strangers from time to time.  I think what happened to this sweet little puppy! how so angry and sad now? and then you realize okay – puppy was kicked daily for 3 years, when puppy was hungry people didn’t listen.  sure they threw him a bone from time to time – but his needs were not met or validated, in fact puppy was blamed over and over for the woes of the family who adopted him.

I like to use analogies as you know (especially with animals etc) as it makes it easier to explain.  So that is a decent try.

At present, he also has a very difficult job that is a toxic environment (we discussed this). However, the most recent time I brought him up to you  I explained his own words: “it’s not work that’s bad, it’s you – and everything  I went through with you.  I still feel like even after all this time, and i know you’re working on it, I just don’t see change or remorse in you.  It’s like it just doesn’t make sense or matter.  I know it takes time, but frankly I just don’t think I have any patience left –  I used to be the most patient person, and especially with you, but you took that quality away.  And now there’s nothing left in the tank.”

So yes, if someone reads this they’ll say: he sounds burnt out/depressed he needs therapy.

Yet, my conversation with you goes beyond that.

So at present, he is withdrawn, burnt out (and of course his job as a surgeon at one of the busiest hospitals in NYC with a malignant/toxic work environment doesn’t help).  He has poor sleep (Like I always used to, and sometimes still do).  He has low patience for me, in short he is beaten down.  He is the beaten down puppy.  He suffers in a way that I mirror I have – like perhaps the way I was when i first messaged you – and yet, I am feeling better in some ways — yet he is getting worse and worse…

there’s a start…let’s see what you have to say/converse

Dear Anita,

Yes, I too wish I had a room like that to hibernate in. Well I shouldn’t say that.  If I had a room like that, this is what would happen:

I would enjoy it for a few days, and perhaps a few weeks.  I would slowly start to look at the room thereafter as not something “special” but more “normal.”  Soon enough I would walk past it and throw a jacket in there, perhaps an unused book or two – perhaps a shelf.  Before you know it, this special place, this sacred place – has become filled with stuff.  It no longer serves the purpose it was intended for.

Now I walk near it and have resentment, gosh! I never made time for it.  Where does the time go!  How difficult it is to preserve a schedule gosh!! What a mess!

This has been the story of my life, in many ways – when it comes to “self preservation” and self care.  It is very difficult for me to maintain healthy habits for myself, and I am quick to “sabotage” them when overwhelmed with plans or others.  I know this is not an unsung story, and many may say they feel similar.  But I do notice that I have this tendency given that I am (the bird with the bobbling head) frenzied.

Frenzy.  It is the name of the game.

So I read your post, THE post many times.  Daily, and all weekend.  So much resonated with me.  I will start here today.  Because you did such an incredible job writing key points, TRUTHS – It only makes sense to me to paste these and elaborate. I’ll start with these today.

•  she robbed you of the taste buds you were born with, robbed you of your natural ability to be fully engaged in the here-and-now, to feel affection, empathy, joy, togetherness… and calm.
  • it is difficult to comprehend that this was indeed “lost” or “robbed.” As you have mentioned many times, I did not start this way, I as a child was not this way.  I of course do not have memories from this childhood, I have only select memories as you stated.  I can recall perhaps sometimes in adolescence say the age of 12-15 or so feeling joy.  But it does not truly matter.  Today in the here and now, this present state and condition, I have lost this natural ability.  I think of myself as a wounded warrior.  How often the example of an individual at battle/in war coming home with PTSD is utilized to also reflect emotional trauma.
  • So I see myself as this wounded warrior, battered down, shoulders stooped, head forward.  Dead face, tired face.  wanting to lay down and collapse but also wanting to jump and run.
  • I am not fully engaged in here and now, it does often feel impossible to be.  It feels that even if I try it is not SUSTAINABLE.  Like anything, I know, it will take time.
• Your mother has been extremely pathological (the word you used) way before she became a mother.
  • how interesting that I used to believe her, that she was “fine” and all her problems started based on other people.  When she moved to America, when she received poor treatment from her family members. When my father began to hit her.  Oh the shame! This poor amazing women now beaten down.  Gone is her light oh my.  Oh what a shame.  What a tragedy.  Now how can she regain happiness.  Revert back to that sweet happy angel.
  • That person NEVER EXISTED. That person is a lie.  That person is made up, a delusion.
  • If I was to go back to her childhood and observe her – what would I see? Who knows, maybe nothing at all.  Maybe a happy go lucky kid.  But who knows what was repressed in her own brain, and the  trauma she saw in her own mother (who committed suicide years later) and father.
  • It is not perhaps resourceful to wonder, but the truth is, if I went back – I wouldn’t see what she told me.  A delightful young girl or lady.  So happy and full of love and joy.  No she has been devoid of empathy from early on, from always.
• to attacking you for having any emotion or problem, she also gave you a lot of senseless nonsense
  • She did attack me for having emotions didn’t she? Yes, she sure did.  She attacked, her claws out big and sharp.  Roar claw, why are you sad! Don’t you know how sad your mother is, how could you be sad? Happy…well happy is suiting her because it is furthering her agenda.  My daughter is so cute and happy look at her neighbors, look at her, what a doll.  Happy again…not suiting her agenda.  ROAR how dare you be happy when your ailing mother is sitting at home suffering.  Do you have no concern for her distress?
  • Regardless of the emotion, it was NOT MIRRORED OR VALIDATED.
• you were doomed to relentless cognitive dissonance
  • Wow, this one takes the cake (oh what a pun, the cake I can not taste?! Oh this one I will try to taste!)
  • cognitive dissonance, what a concept! By definition it is the state of having inconsistent thoughts, wikipedia said so.  I wanted to look it up as the concept I had about it in my own head was a jumble.  And that’s just it – inconsistency.
  • I wonder what your definition is? Or your personal anecdote about this is? Do tell when you have time.
  • I think of a young girl, her head says go hang out with the blonde girl, but then a random thought – oh that girl always leaves you out, should you be nice to her? Inconsistency – which way to go? Be nice and open? Be angry and closed off?
    • hmm let me try one, okay well I was nice but now I feel foolish as I was nice to someone who has been mean to me.
    • the other – closed off and aloof — well now I feel guilty because that didn’t sit right.
    • conclusion: AHH it feels like lose lose!
• Your mother was about appearances
  • oh yes, physical appearance, but more over how she appeared to others. for it to appear she had this perfect life, perfect daughters. LUCKY. oh how important it was to APPEAR lucky yet teaching her daughters there was no luck left in the jar for her and her poor family, what a shame..
• Her extreme emphasis on you and your sister having  friends was not motivated by her valuing friendship or valuing people. 
  • she values no one.  not me, not my sister, not my husband.  hardly herself (besides the point)
  • it is not a human, it is a monster with no value.

Dearest Anita,

A masterpiece, a thesis paper – the result of a diligent study.

I read this yesterday, and re-read this yesterday, and re-read it this morning.

I am going to approach it like I would any other “text” a text that requires studying, just like it required you to write.  I will take my “highlighters and pens and highlight and underline.”

I will do this and reply back. Let it sink in, and savor it properly.

For now, I want to share this:

I had a dream last night, a pleasant one.  It is hardly ever that I dream (and remember it) and hardly hardly ever that I have a pleasant one.

In my dream I had a new baby, the baby was irrelevant – the dream was about the following:

In many cultures, including mine – the new mother is supposed to be home with the new baby for 3 months, sinking in and savoring.  Hibernating with the child, these golden moments of bonding and focusing on the child, and healing.  Often in these cultures it “takes a village” as there are many women, practitioners of sorts, mothers, aunts, grandmothers, who are in and out of the house to help  – it goes without being said.

anyway, in my dream I visualize this:

a dark dimly lit room, it smells of cedar candles, it is warm and cozy – safe and secure.  I am there but I don’t see me, I just see the room and the ambience.  I think to myself 3 months 3 months! I sense myself in the dream feeling soft and warm, and guilt free.  I find myself thinking – 3 months without questioning, it is a given that I get to stay home for 3 months and hibernate without attending to anyone else – and so this time is protected for me! I woke up feeling: a smile, a safety a security.

CC was so happy to be in this warm cozy dim lit room – and have the 3 months just to herself – to sink and savor.  CC has not woken up feeling so calm and safe in years…

To be continued…