Dear Anita,

for crying out loud, you don’t need that headache

Is right. That’s it. I don’t. The only reason I will go is out of obligation and friendship. I’m not sure if you read my post before this as it pasted at the same time as your reply. It starts with “I’ll read your reply”

I don’t need any headache Anita. No one else’s at least – I have my own daily (lol again)

Please remind me again when necessary –that I don’t need external headaches will you? Thanks in advance!!

And yes another reminder of how people can be kind and good friends, but still selfish in the sense of getting their needs met in any way without regards to shame and guilt.

So much shame and guilt I have to relinquish!

I’ll continue with whatever flows.

So I think it’s ridiculous that people just do whatever they want. God. But we talked about it before Anita the concept of them “getting away with it.” It’s useless way to see it.

More importantly is the concept of shifting focus. Not acting like idiot teenagers for God’s sake!!!

But the shame Anita oh the shame! My mother planted the shame and guilt tree deep didn’t she? Everything guilt and shame. Don’t answer a text – guilt. Don’t attend an event – guilt.

Yes I am working on it. I think a key is the exprirement. Just like the one with mean lady doc.

Do it and see what happens. Ta da!

Nothing! You didn’t feel so bad after all did you. Perhaps with this practice and NOT explaining myself , just doing (such as simply not answering S phone calls and being distant on text and not involved or enthusiastic) is key.

Just do it

Yes, what do you think about my explanation of S To you in regards to her wedding (and cultural context) and the edit I made explaining the $350 hotel?

Dear Anita,

How dare you (parrot) take away my most precious moments. I was on the cliffs of one of the most spectacular beach scenes of my life. Getting proposed to. PROPOSED!!!

And I was not present. Where was my mind?! With you of course. You stole it and never gave it back. You don’t own me. You are a small stupid troll that takes and takes- and you never gave me back.

I always have said you wanted me to have wings, but clipped them so I could not fly.

I am so damn sick and tired of explaining this analogy to idiots. To idiots and friends who are like oh my. Shut the f up. I don’t want to hear your commentary. You’re all stupid. Stupid and inexperienced in my trauma. Does that make me better than you? No. But does it make me more experienced, Insightful, stronger, and smarter. Yes. Absolutely yes.
That’s why I only want to talk to a few people now who are equally strong and smart. Not dumb idiots who sit around pondering the weather.
So no S, I don’t care where you have your welcome party. When you ask me for reccs I don’t care to give you any. Do I know some. Yes. But your wedding is the last thing that i want to be Concerned about. I hate myself for even caring about it. I want to only care about me. I don’t want to be your right hand girl – friend and confidante. No. I don’t. Did I want you to be that for me. Yes. And were you? Yes.
But I am not obligated to do the same!!!! Make me want to scream. You never asked me to do anything – you never would. But it’s me!!! I put this pressure on me to give you attention and be Involved in this happy time in your life. But every time it comes up I cringe. You don’t do anything to involve me directly or annoy me extremely – but it’s still so damn annoying!!!
I don’t think you (S) have a clue about anything. You talk a big game. Oh you would never want to get married at a hotel, you much prefer a more unique venue. Oh and you want this and that.
Awesome.
And look what you chose for your May 2020 wedding. A place that’s none of that. So no you’re not different or special or unique.

Your stupid email almost a year in advance about how the hotel rooms are expensive and you want a rough headcount?! Umm who knows where they’re going to be staying for a wedding almost 12 months away. And if you’re so big on making your wedding chill and Fun – then why don’t you pick a chill fun hotel that’s not $350 a night. Ya unsubscribe to that email.
How cheap you are when it comes to your own life. And you expect US your guests to pay allthat for YOU just to attend YOUR wedding?! Get the hell out of here.
As each aspect of your wedding is told to me – the more I feel annoyed by you – when you called the other day I was filled with dread. Do you think I have time for you and your unawareness. How you’re on a budget but parents want to Invite 600 people to the wedding, fine I know our culture – but you expect guests to stay at a hotel that’s over $330 per night.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

You (mother) never valued my emotions. You made me into this strong almighty being but you’re stupid and disgusting. A stupid prostitute that had an affair your disgusting outfits and make up – clown like!

How did you teach me anything! It’s like a dumb uneducated whore taking her daughter to Harvard Interviews and acting like she has a clue what she’s doing and what life is about. How disgusting.

I literally terrorize my mind daily 100000 times per day – yet you sleep soundly. You with your stupid body that you think is gods gift to men – just a mush of fat. The stretch marks you so “charmingly” remind my sister and I were the result of her sacrifice of motherhood. Shut the hell up you idiot. Your stretch marks aren’t unique. And the fact that you never lost the baby weight is because you’re an unmotivated shell of a person that can do absolutely nothing. You have e done nothing in your life, zero progress. Co tributed nothing to the world. Congratulations for terrorizing me – do you want a diploma?!

And how the hell do you dare not just put me down but an entire family (my husband’s) that is outside your own. Some nerve you have. Some nerve. You think you’re so innocent and unlucky and subdued. You’re a lion. Who the hell calls up strangers and barks orders at them like Donald Trump. Who do you think you are?!

I remember shortly after I got married you mentioned you wanted to go on a vacation. Of course you did – that’s all you know how to do. I was kind of to discuss with you. Like a puppet fool. And your response is, I would ask you to come but I know you’ll be to busy with HIM.

Him!?

You f–ing idiot. That him is my husband. That person remember – that person you wanted me.to find my whole entire life. Would terrorize me about in my 20s and harass and threaten me about. Oh ya him. Oh yes the guy I met that you adored and went around town boasting about. Ya that’s him you idiot

Yes that same HIM that you beat down just like you beat me down.

So now you want to be envious of Ni?! Well look at you 4 foot nothing blob with no education, taking the livelihood from 2 young physicians that have their entire lives ahead of them. Making them both feel old and worn and hopeless. Are you happy now idiot parrot. Parrot pecking at me over and over stupid parrot voice – mother voice. Peck peck peck.

Dear Anita,

Don’t try to appear intelligent, educated, understanding, taking all factors into consideration. You don’t have to look at what you wrote and edit it. You can start anew

Amazing. Yes I do try to do this. It’s a mask and shield. I will try again with your guidance thanks. To be continued…

Dear Anita,

I read each part of your post and understood it and processed it completely. That felt nice – like I was able to write to you earlier today In a way where I was not frenzied, and able to receive your input with full attention.

Now to the most important aspect:

It is time to do just that, to express your anger at her,

your anger at them (all the people who allegedly hurt her.. and those who really did hurt her long, long ago),

anger and frustration about how hard you tried and failed to get what you needed from her and

whatever is there, repressed and distressing to you. Those emotions will not go away unless and until expressed a whole lot

I’ll try to go one by one so it feels less jumbled or insurmountable. By the way- before I begin, I thoroughly enjoyed your use of lol! Made me smile!

Oh and another thing. Thank you for explaining the focus on friends as you did. As you know I am a visual and analogy type person. The way you described it, the comparison of teenagers to grown adult / resonates quite well. As does the monetary example, in fact I have said many times how it feels it’s “my job to be a good friend.” Or “I should be paid for this.” Jokingly (and now not so much)  clearly I have been hinting at this for a long time – not having come to terms with it for a variety of different reasons.

okay so back to the anger – the real stuff.

I’ll type whatever comes to mind, without edit, but use the quote above as a guideline.

Mothers choose to be mothers (except in certain circumstances they don’t or are forced) but in all cases that are relavent to our conversation this applies. So you choose to be a mother, whether you are mentally mature enough or not. Fine. Culturally married off young before you know yourself, to a stranger man, now shipped off into a stranger country.

But see – you’re not a stranger to your own daughter. She is not a stranger to you. In fact – out of all the above, she’s all you actually have. That’s yours. Your own.

And you treated this person worse than a stranger. Taking all of your insecurities and inadequateness onto this daughter. Your own child. Using the child as a puppet and mop. mopping up your own sorrow.

But see you didn’t see wrong. As apparently you feel entitled to the fact that this is how children are supposed to be treated. How often you made me feel I should feel lucky to be born to her, yet what a silly thing to say to someone who has no choice. Pushing it onto culture – that in our culture children care about their parents. That in fact their sole purpose is to make their parents happy. And look how easy I have it.

You know funny thing is. I don’t have any examples of you doing anything for your parents do I? Being the doting daughter. Oh okay it was a different time, and you were sent off to America so young. But what about when you moved here and your mother with severe depression was back home. You tried many times to have her move here to help her. She didn’t want to come. Fine.

But did you dedicate the rest of your life to then be sad for her? To suffer on her behalf?! To give up all your happiness because your poor mother suffers daily – so how could you ever have joy. No. I never heard this out of your mouth. And if it was the case I would have heard it. Because you never shut up.

So no. You had no guilt in regards to your mother. And she truly suffered , her mental health leading to her own demise – objectively.

I never once heard any guilt or shame on your part – ever. Even after she passed away so trsgicly.

Yet you stupid selfish uneducated idiot expect me to have that for you?! Not that it’s a game or competition. That If you didn’t do it why should I? No- because suffering on “behalf” of someone isn’t really a thing. It’s a bunch of BS that leads to dysfunctional generations to come.

How interesting for you to want something from me that you never experienced onyour own. That guilt shame and empathy for a mother. How interesting.

Dear Anita,

Empathy toward yourself will calm the frenzy, anger toward yourself will feed the frenzy.

This is so Incredibly foreign it’s like reading advanced calculus. You know it’s correct as it’s a fact, but it’s entirely not innate.  When I said thank you for not judging my email it was along that line – helping me not judge myself first of all. I notice how harsh I am with myself. I notice how I focus more energy on what I do wrong and now I approach things wrong – and less on empathy.

I know this social “busyness” has been very detrimental for a long time. Not just for myself but also my husband. He doesn’t have the same background or upbringing as I, but he too is noticing the increasingly less and less “benefit” toaling yourself available to many friends.

If you take away all the aspects of my background and mother — at simple baseline when we met we had this in common. We were both Incredibly social brings with large groups of friends each. We had gone through college and medical school valuing friendships and having a great time in this manner. Especially meeting and living in NYC in the late 20s it was a very special time when we met.

Fast forward to now. I know what I know. He too has had Many examples of his own.  Like the friend that came over on the 4th – the one with the horrific wife. This man is a what my husband would call one of his best friends. And over the years he has become increasingly flakey, unreliable etc. I noticed this about 2 years ago first when I had a get together – then again at a mutual friends wedding. Point of the story is – we talk a lot recently, my husband and I about this.

About the fact that people do what they want when they want how they want. They unlike us, don’t make themselves available when inconvenient to their own selves or life.

We talk about now (led by me but he sees it too more and more especially after this past weekend) that instead of hating these people – we have to stop being foolish and must re prioritize our own lives. We can’t have fear. We too can do what we want and what we should.

It’s time now to cut out all that nonsense. Now does that mean we live in a bubble and have no friends. Of course not. But it will take a shift in perspective. The idea that socializing is not beneficial for what we need – for our healing and personal restoration as a couple.

I in my life have seen time and again the concept of being shown a certain “lesson ” over and over until I finally accept it. Many people can say the same.  With this friendship aspect I have been writing this to you for years now.

This is the Pinnacle. The idea of each friends face on a dart – pop pop pop. Feeling anger and annoyance at even kind friends.

The feeling of anger and annoyance at myself. Im going to tap into that more right now whatever comes to mind…

I know that this is not a one and done easy lesson. Oh CC don’t you see how giving away your energy to friends is showing you time and again – your Demise. As in you feel so strung out and then what you have left you give away. Now you have even less left for yourself and husband. Or perhaps you feel down inside feel anger. How dare these people act how they want!! When they’re busy or occupied they never would take the time to accommodate myself or husband. But look at us – always making time for people in our most mutually busy lives. All for what!

Well all for the fact that we value socialness. But aren’t we just idiots – or are we disappointed. Disappointed that the real world exists of many people who are self oriented. Or people who change as they get older becoming more selfish especially if they marry someone who is a certain way or controlling.

Or perhaps these are all small details and the universe wants me to learn. I picture it taking a wooden rolling pin and beating me down with the lesson. Not violent just a smack. Smack see look at S and how she was able to enjoy her own engagement – look at the feelings it brought up in you about yours.

Smack look at your fourth of July and how you “allowed” others to take all your precious energy. Attending to idiots who came and went as they pleased.  Look at 400 other examples. So many of which are outlined in this previous thread. Smack smack smack. Did you learn it yet?

No – perhaps because you are too hopeful for humanity? Expecting people to not be so selfish and truly “show up.” Even people like D Or her ex when you know they aren’t that reliable – still seeing the good over the bad and expecting more. But then being smacked by the true reality of them.

Maybe that is too hopeful. Or maybe it’s that it’s just outward. Sure we are social beings. But who else extends themselves this much? No one I know. Clearly others preserve their own first.

So looping back around. The universe has shown me Time and again that I, CC (take my husband out of the convo now) do NOT want to give my energy away. I do it as a knee jerk reaction and habit – and then become resentful to that person and myself. It’s a pattern.

Give it away when I am depleted and then resent the friend or person/ and my own self most importantly for allowing this. What a silly cycle.

Over and over and over.

Of course all of my problems do not lie in over extending myself.  Because then that would be only blaming one aspect. I have frenzy at baseline – even if I was to be in a box for 3 months. But I think this is a huge component of it.

Back to July 2 when I was able to successfully complete my experiment of silence with the mean lady. I’ve been away from that for a few days and it sounds – well childish!

I am thinking about it and read the post again. It reads as a child making a big deal of pouting and giving someone the silent treatment. I say this not to put myself down as a child..

But I see this pattern same as I did with my mother. My mother would have so many stories. Oh finally I told that woman off! Oh finally I was able to not talk back – oh this and that. She would have so many scenarios where she was agitated by others and it affected her so much.

I know my story isn’t the same and I don’t want to put down any progress of my own. But seeing it from far right now I see this young girl CC who is so sensitive. She’s small with wide eyes and so aware of her surroundings. She’s taking it all in at lightning speed – no filter. Taking all the stimuli trying to process it fast no shield.

I guess after writing above – I took a small break – I see one thing. CC is SO affected by her surroundings.  She finds herself giving plenty of energy away to friends. She finds herself not having the patience to act with love and kindness to her husband. A person that Maintains this towards her although becoming increasingly resentful and impatient.

She is working on it. But constantly gets pulled every which way. To the left to the right. Feeling pulled, but more importantly allowing herself to be pulled. She is starting to see how much of a role she has in this personally. She can’t learn lessons daily if she lets herself be pulled.

She isn’t the average Joe with average needs. She needs to see herself as different. Okay she saw it. But she needs to give herself permission.

You said something that really struck me the other day. Along the lines of: a person overlooking all of my actions, collecting every email etc and keeping tabs and judging so to speak.

The concept of an over arching being that is saying oh look at CC doing this, saying that, no doing this.

Perhaps it’s the mother voice – the mother looking over and judging. Saying oh how sad rhats not the CC I know. Holding onto a tight version of her  – maybe the S the super cali chica SCC

So if CC relinquishes the role of Super Social. Then what’s more – is there still super? As in if one aspect is conquered (the silly social busy-ness as you call it, the giving energy away) then I am still left with the baseline frenzy

Then I have no distractions away from being aware of triggers and baseline.

So daily frenzy, the bird. Not the squirrel today the bird. Bird bobble head back and forth back and forth. Constant battle with himself.

This bird hates himself for the frenzy and the fact that he spills it over to his bird friend – husband. Knows it. But feels unable to stop it. But the bird can’t sit still.  He must fend for himself and find food constantly. Day and night.

But what is the bird was given an endless supply of food and nice shelter. Would he still bobble back and forth in frenzy. Well yes. He wouldn’t know how to accept this new “safe space.” He wouldn’t be used to it; and perhaps it would feel odd and uncomfortable. Too easy – something has to be missing!

I think this is why I avoid sitting with My frenzy and task at hand. The task of focusing on my teammate. I have visuals of being on a mountain or island for a month all alone. Yet in real life I don’t create this scenario – when to a point I can.

I feel easily distracted and burdened by this. And just like the bird. I can go to a safe space – retreat in it. The space where I only worry about myself and husband. But it doesn’t feel like a retreat at all. It feels wrong maybe or foreign.

Well I would give the bird the advice of –sit in it longer.  The safe space. It is good for you in the long term. Don’t worry you won’t lose all your skills. You don’t have to be challenged daily, you’re allowed some rest. I give you permission.