Forum Replies Created
-
Dear Anita,
You said it perfectly. I needed to hear this, in this condensed way of explaining to myself what I feel. Thank you loads, as always.
I felt anger, how dare this abusive person do this. I want to assert myself. I wrote an entire angry text to send her on the plane to get emotions out, knowing I wouldn’t send it. And I wanted my husband to call her and say how dare you treat CC this way! I felt angry, I even screamed at my husband. Why did your cousin have the audacity to talk to me this way!! Don’t you want to go there and tell her she’s wrong! I can’t stand your mother saying how she’s so sweet and how it is bad luck she’s single. No she is a monster.
there we go, see how it led me to be so triggered that It led me to be negative or attacking on my husband.
But then I also thought about people that are abusive, or have abusive qualities of projecting unto another, don’t have insight. Many aspects of this woman (that I won’t get into more) show me she lacks true insight. The deep kind. The true kind. Not being a fun friend or throwing a party. Also empathy towards my husband – sure I valued that plenty and it was then that i started to build a true frienship with her – but she in incapable of seeing any flaw in her self or life. She believes herself to be gods gift to the world.
I thought what to do in this situation. Removal. Anita the answer is always removal. Asserting yourself, sending emails, trying to asset yourself and telling the person how you feel and they are wrong. It does not work when the other party is not insightful, and truly and honestly able to see and feel.
I will see her at family events throughout the year always. Not every month. I know who she truly is. I will now keep my distance. It has been a them hasn’t it.
Being friendly and kind, and BAM being thrown down. mean lady at work lady did it. This cousin did it.
No more Anita. No more.
I am working with the mean lady tomorrow for a long 10 hour day. I have no energy left for these types. Distance, removal, silence when needed.
It is the only way.
Dear Anita,
Thank you for your response.
I will now start my response.
I was so so incredibly triggered by this. Triggered in a way I haven’t been in over a year. It felt like this:
stop, enough is enough. I can’t take one more person taking out their own uneasiness, and insecurities out on me. I am absolutely sick of it. I am a nice caring person and time and I am sick of this.
When I discussed with my husband, he mentioned the jealousy thing. He mentioned how deep down inside it sounds like she is very insecure, and felt uneasy – and so you were an easy target. She is used to always being the center of attention smart beautiful one – so perhaps she feels threatened by you – another alpha female. She may also be jealous that you are married and settled.
I responded, yes but to you her own cousin.
He went on to say how she has shown many signs of being crazy and delusional.
I mean looking back at the whole wedding her comment were just a few:
I haven’t worked out in 3 days, god I am going to lose my abs.
A guy has to be extremely fit and physicially attractive for me to give him a chance, I keep up myself and I expect the same. I am just not wowed easily
I have everything to offer a man, so I am super picky, if I have everything, why shouldn’t I expect that all in return?
It takes a lot for a guy to impress me, after all these years I am perfectly happy how I am and I have a lot to offer.
Anyway, what she is or not is besides the point compared to how I felt.
I cried for an hour, letting so much emotion out. The next day on the plane I cried a lot too. It wasn’t just about her – I felt the flood gates open.
I felt:
I can NOT TAKE ONE MORE person mistreating me. I have been mistreated my entire life. I can not simply take it, I will explode. I need mental space. I don’t expect this person to ever apologize as she is not a normal human – but how dare people treat me this way. Over and over I am kind and extend myself (that is just who Iam) and I refuse to be berated or put down anymore. I REFUSE.
Anita wanted me to feel – Iwanted to feel. I feel. I feel wounded and sad and angry – all of it. Enough with others. ENOUGH!
I feel sad, tired, and wounded. I feel as terrible as I did after returning from the India wedding trip with my parents. Like I have been thrown down and walked over.
I would have judged previously why such a dramatic way to feel from one incident with this person. But I don’t. I know that a lot has been pent up – and i simply have nothing left. This person pushed me over the edge. i know that I am allowed to feel this, and given the context of my OWN life it is this. If this was said to someone else without my history maybe fine. But that person is not me god d*** it and I can not take it.
I am glad to feel this – maybe finally I’ll make a change. Finally.
Dear Anita,
Good morning. It feels we haven’t sp0ken in weeks. I notice how much I look forward to our exchanges.
I am back from the wedding. There were fun moments, but quite hectic – as 3 day Indian weddings go. I am glad we went as it was family time, and I enjoyed time with my in laws – but as far as what I need (for my energy and honing into myself) it wasnt. (obviously).
At The end of the wedding reception, around 2 am – there was an incident – between myself and one of my husband’s cousins.
Actually the cousin that witnessed the abuse of myself on my husband many summers ago (I mentioned that last week) in which I was angry and hitting my husband. She was there.
There’s a long back story but I’ll explain it like this. She is a narcissist. I see this truly and completely now (notice a theme, mean doctor lady at work is, that horrid wife of the friend is). I always knew she was self centered by the kinds of comments she makes. She is 36 and single (nothing wrong with that) but culturally as you understand (no one looks down on her, but it isn’t common or what not).
She’s smart, beautiful, but most of all – from what I saw, lacks complete empathy (like a sociopath/narcissist). We always had a good interaction prior, she’s similar age to me, so we became quite “sisterly” as in I felt like she was my own cousin. She was close to my husband growing up when their families lived near one another, a sibling bond back then. she played a huge role in our wedding, threw me a mini bridal shower type thing for their side etc.
Anway, so at this wedding, she was being set up by the London cousins with this friend of there’s (who lives in London). He arrived after one of the events first night when it was just us (kids we say – the cousins no elders or parents). he spoke to us and got to know some of the cousins and then went off to spend time with her alone in the other part of the bar/restaurant.
At the end of the evening she shared a cab with my husband and I back to the hotel. Like true family or sibling form, we discussed the guy. Made jokes about he has perfect teeth like her. She told us he was nice and smart and seemed fine so far, and she wanted to see him again. He had mentioned he would come by again the following day to the wedding reception at the end. We joked and called him a “wedding crasher” but he knew many of the wedding guests including the bride and groom and cousins that made the set up – so it didn’t seem to strange.
The next day after the wedding and reception (full day starting 8 am) we are all on the dance floor at the wedding. As you probably know by now – I am a very dedicated “girlfriend” in that it is my innate state. I am the girl that is the first to ask so how did it go, and people come to me often to discuss. (just background – which you likely know given that I am talkative and engaging).
so we are on the dance floor and it is around 11:30 pm. The buses to leave the reception to go back to the hotel were arriving at 12:15. So I say to her, did he text you yet? I hope he’s on his way because we will be leaving soon. She says ‘oh yeah I didn’t check” she goes and checks her phone and he has texted her half hour prior that he would arrive around 11:45 pm.
So he does. When he arrives all of us other cousins (girl cousins like 8 of us) are on the dance floor. (my husband and the guys are on the other side or something). one of the younger cousins starts snickering and says oh look at the perfect timing of this song. The live band was playing this new song called “sex is on fire” — silly funny comment, so she put her hand up for a high five. it was all in fun, not at all about the song etc.
She (the main cousin I am talking about) arrives on the dance floor a few seconds later and asks me, what was all the giggling about – what did she say – so I told her the comment her cousin made. She smiles.
The night continues and its time to head back onto the coach bus. My in laws let all of us know they are heading on the bus. So my husband and I start gathering the cousins. i see her sitting at the table talking to the guy – and so I go to her discretely and ask, do you want to join us on the coach bus to head back to the hotel or will he be driving you back, she says no no I’ll join all of you in a few.
We all head to the bus (minus her) on the bus people are discussing. It’s a bus full of 10 cousins all relatively drunk and fun. One of the cousins mentions oh he seems nice and he drove all this way. The other says something else. All nice comments. See the (main cousin) has been single for a few years now so everyone hopes the best for her as far as meeting a nice guy of course.
she joins the bus and we head back to the hotel.
once we reach the hotel, I am in the elevator with her and a few other people. I had borrowed an item from her a day prior so I say, I’ll go change and bring it down to your room. she says ok. It is around 2 am almost now and everyone is tired.
I am at her room and she opens up the door and I hand it to her. She says do you want to come in? i say well I am super tired, but how did it go with the guy today?
And she responds: well I am super super annoyed and disappointed with my family
I am caught off guard so I say what? why?
So she tells me to come in, I naturally do.
And it begins:
She starts with: I am one of the eldest cousins in the household, and I am usually treated with respect. I say yes sure
She goes: I feel so disrespected today. What was that high five on the dance floor?
I said – oh ya your cousin made a silly comment bc the song – it was all a joke?
shes like this is how you joke? i don’t know about you but our family is super conservative and we don’t make comments like that or insinuate that.
I say: well its actually YOUR cousin who made the comment might I remind you, and no one was insinuating anything, you are taking this way too seriously and personal.
She continues: I don’t know what these people who are mocking me have to say, this guy came all the way out over an hour to come see me at a reception where half my family is there, that takes guts, it’s not like any of the people making those comments about me would ever get a guy to do that for them
(insinuating me) – wow
She then talks about how she arrived on the bus and everyone was talking about her. One cousin had made a comment like “oh finally you’re on the bus, how did it go, we were discussing”
I said listen, I didn’t say this. She replies oh so you were just sitting in the back with your ears closed.
It is at this moment that I see her face and realize I am completely and utterly dealing with a monster. A true narcissistic, self centered monster that is not a normal human being.
I say something along the lines of, I think this is coming from elsewhere – as no one was trying to offend you, it is your own family.
She replies: I am talking about YOU.
I say something along the lines of – well sorry if anything anyone said was found offensive, all I saw and know is that everyone was supportive of you meeting this guy and even got to know him. I went out of my way to get to know him and remind you to check your phone for his arrival at the reception.
She replies: “oh don’t talk about going out of your way, I have gone out of my way plenty for you and your husband on vacation” (referring back to the abusive incident a few summer ago )
I say nothing -the old me would have been enraged at this comment or wanted to defend myself.
I see further this won’t go anywhere. She talks about how she is extremely happy and she doesn’t need people who don’t truly support her in her life.
I say: it feels like I am being blamed for many comments I didn’t say. Are you going to bring up this “high five” thing to the ACTUAL person who said it?!?!
She looks at me and says: maybe!
I feel that I am even more tired and know for sure I am dealing with an insane person. I get up and go towards the door.
I say, I regret getting involved with you and your dating at all, or even the type of relationship we had. I am good now, so I am going to go.
She responds: “WELL I AM GLAD YOU’RE GOOD”
I leave and shut the door.
I go upstairs to my own hotel room, enter, my husband is sleeping, and cry a cry I haven’t in over a year.
The type of full body cry that brings you to the floor with heaving and shaking.
(I will stop there until your reply – and will not add any commentary or analysis until then either)
Dear Anita,
I know you won’t see this until later – and I would like to read your reply to the cutting of the frenzy Fear line – before you read this.
But I would like to journal about what cutting that line is or means – since it is fresh in my mind now.
Seems like cutting the line — hmmm. Catching the frenzy in its tracks. I remember learning- stop drop and roll.
This was ingrained in our brains as kids. Of you sense a fire- stop drop and roll.
Entirely useless it seemed at the time and I haven’t thought about that in over 20 years – but it came to my mind right now.
The visual is stopping in your tracks, dropping to your knees and rolling on the floor.
Stopping in your tracks –
sometimes it’s that simple. I have trouble often not completing the intense or anxious thought or action. For example if someone around me is triggering me for whatever reason – it is hard to in the middle of responding just stop. It feels like a pressure to have to continue. A more direct example would be- a person saying oh I don’t really like NYC don’t know how people can live there … I’ll start my response by saying “oh I can see that, well for some….” And right there I realize I don’t need to be responding or explaining myself or ANYTHING. It’s useless filler talk and feeds the frenzy. But it is difficult to stop it in its tracks. So the convo continues. The few times I have stopped – such as above I started saying “oh yes I can see that…but” and ending it with simply “but ya…” Stopping my input. Done. Fine and so much less energy wasted. It works. But one must be comfortable stopping in their tracks.
Next – Drop-
This Is a tough one. To drop to ones knees is a symbol of vulnerability. And in this visual exercise I believe that the drop to vulnerability is key. Stop and sense the trigger or FEAR (fire). And then have the vulnerability to almost surrender to it and accept it.
Example here would be- noticing that this person’s comment about NYC makes me feel defensive or judged. But then realizing it’s a general comment and not about me. Or – good for them who cares if they aren’t a city person. Or – yes they are judging decisions of those who live here – but it doesn’t matter, yet it does trigger me. That last one Dropping down to vulnerability of knowing that I am easily triggered and perhaps sensitive to such comments (just an example). Perhaps due to my uneasy of our decision to move back here at first.
Next example, say the horrific wife of the friend comes over because she had to for some reason. I am triggered and I don’t see it clearly but I am all sorts of frenzied. Running around making sure there’s enough food. Continuously asking everyone how they’re doing or if they want something to eat or drink. Not sitting. Frenzied energy and frenzy unto my husband. Stopping would be key. Literally putting the plate down. Literally being in the kitchen about to open the fridge and saying to myself – nope not needed everything is fine. But also the next drop. Saying to myself – this person is triggering and that’s okay. I surrender to the effect it has on me and how it brings out worse than baseline frenzy. Surrender to accepting that this is happening and it’s okay. Isnread of judging and resisting myself for feeling extra frenzied because of this person. Understanding this and allowing myself to drop to this level will result In letting myself…
Roll.
Change direction. Roll away. Roll within. Roll back home. Wherever is safe.
In order to roll to safety I must first stop and drop. And to end the above example – roll could be – sending husband a discrete text saying – I feel triggered I’m going to take the dog for a walk and get air. It could be myself announcing we need to head out. It could be anything. But knowing there is a need to find safety. And that safety DOES exist. This extremely triggered state leads to all sorts of frenzy. I am able to change it. (Obviously using this wife as an example. Ideally she would never have and now never will come over!)
There it is: stop drop and roll.
The frenzy..
I remember a few instances from childhood. Not the feeling of frenzy but anecdotes
I recall being around 12 or so and having some sort of assignment where he had blocks or dominos or the like and we had to use them for math or something. It involved building them up or something. I recall the boy sitting next to me – Dennis. I remember he made me nervous as he was the bad kid teasing type. Wasn’t a crush just nervous I would say. I recall knowing what I needed to do with these block things but doing it slowly or strangely and knocking it down when Dennis was looking at what I was doing. Sounds like a nervous giggly girl in front of a crush. But I distinctly remember feeling something along the lines of – I know what I need to do but I feel weird or don’t want to look too smart.
I remember another time – the science fair. My father had helped me with my project about the heart. I was happy with it. We all had a booth/space and mine was next to this kid Andrew. A chubby popular bully type – we all know those. When people came by we would explain our project, it was fun and lowstress type of thing. I remember my mother commenting that I wasn’t focusing on my own thing, and kept looking at Andrew and his friend and laughing. I remember it distinctly and that she was right. I wasn’t able to enjoy or appreciate the project in front of me. I was focused on laughing along with this cool kid – making jokes.
Frenzy – how can I explain it. I’ll just see what comes to mind and type ( I am on my phone so sorry for any typos).
Frenzy is madness in the brain. It’s having a center and focus such as oh this coffee is good it tastes different. But your mind staying there for a millisecond. After that flash the mind goes every which way. To me the frenzy isn’t the classic self doubt. Oh how do I look, do they like me etc. No that’s what shown on TV or teen romance novels. No This frenzy is much more contrived and tricky.
Sometimes it can arise about something entirely unrelated. Like sitting and drinking a nice coffee and realizing – God I never get this chance. God why do I always give my energy away – God stupid selfish people- like these dumb weddings – oh stupid email from S (won’t get into it) – and then down the path of her email and how they are versus I am and how annoying and blah blah. There – one microsecond of enjoying coffee and Bam thoughts on the annoyances in the world.
Frenzy is also inability to be still. To be in a moment that is serene- but finding your mind going through every which way. They say in meditation you aren’t supposed to push to stop your thoughts (impossible anyway) but to gently observe them. Well frenzy is anything but gentle.
It’s not observing it’s jumping right in – sabotage. Oh S And her stupid wedding yup let me get allworked up about it. Oh stupid lady at work – yup let me analyze all of it. Oh how annoying it is to be a doctor when people are ungrateful- let me think of so many examples. Oh my poor husband and his toxic job situation – let me think of why this is so entirely unfair.
Frenzy is your mind not having an off switch, or a faulty one at best. Stuck between on and off. Never able to go into respite. Brain spinning over and over wasting energy and depleting neurons. Frenzy is Inability to sit with one self first before attending to a situation good OR bad. Key point. Sitting with yourself first before anything.
Jumping in straight into the boiling water. No dipping the toe. Nope. Come on in let’s Burn. Burn burn. Now jump out and go enjoy your day!
(sarcasm)
That’s frenzy –
Dear Anita,
Thank you. Yes I recall that cool grass, slightly wet- Dewey. On a cool morning, beads of water and texture. Vibrant green. The feeling of your feet coming out of your shoes and touching that cool refreshing grass. Oh what a pleasure!
Every time I go to Central Park and I am wearing sandals (summer of course), I make it a point to touch the cool refreshing grass. Nowadays, a respite for often tired achey feet.
Yes that zest comes in many forms. Many to do with nature – just like you described. An appreciation for the vast and ever changing beauty of nature, animals, and yes – human beings.
I love children. Seeing young children play with my dog is exquisite! So much pure joy, surprise, awe, excitement, fearlessness.
There is so much amazement in each day.
That is precisely why many, that think like me, suffer. As they know there is beauty and joy, but are often bogged down by the madness and frenzy within.
Dear Anita,
Absolutely not your fault, nor mine. Yet how easy it is to forget that. How easy it is to simply take on this “identity” – of course, we didn’t know better. Even as adults my age or yours – or any – our intelligence can not supercede deeply ingrained emotional patterns.
The sheaths on the neurons can’t be simply peeled away with awareness. It takes daily work doesn’t it. That which we do here.
Yet I want to talk about that innate self. How beautiful it is. To have humor, passion, and a zest for life – despite what we have been through. How incredibly special.
Yes it takes a special person to embark on the journey. On the path. May we always remind ourselves of this pearl. It is this quality that will allow us to move forward each day, always, no matter what the history and no matter how many steps back the day before. Net forward.
Dear Anita,
Comfort is important. True comfort that is. Developed and “earned”
I recall in my 20s finding “comfort” way too easily. Trusting the judgement and opinions of people who far from deserved this sort of value, respect or “adoration.” Yet not being grounded to find comfort where I truly needed to – within myself and true supporters (at that time first of all boyfriend)
Can’t get annoyed at the other party – as it was my lack of guidance – not the opposite party’s doing. My blinders.
More than a decade later – that pattern and scenario continues. Perhaps not overtly but covertly. Looking to others as a guide versus my husband and I.
Well that is the work we do here isn’t it?
In My next post I will continue the anger exercise. Rest assured the migraine inducing wedding will not make a return to our conversation. And let it be a reminder for not taking on any un- needed headaches. How much of life stress is from the concept of taking on more headaches when you already have a daily Central one so to speak.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 