Dear Anita,

Re-reading your post, I want you to elaborate on the following line, if you will:

I wouldn’t be here communicating with you if my relationship wasn’t good, if I didn’t do my best in it.

Dear Anita,

The turning point keeps happening!

Just like you said a few weeks ago: That I’ve made it around the bend.

Well now, I made it around the bend, and continue to weave in and out of the next turns.  Progress – true progress!

I feel it, I feel the shift, and most importantly: the calmness and centeredness – if thats a word

You know what else? And I have a feeling that you do:

Our spouses pick up on our energy tremendously, especially if you have an attentive, intuitive spouse.

I noticed how quickly my spouse was able to go from distressed to calm, because I carried calm into the home.

How quickly he was to go from feeling stressed, to more relaxed, to want to talk to me freely – and have a release himself. Have you had similar experiences?

This stuff really works doesn’t it?

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for thinking about me this morning. I thought about you all day throughout this day.

So the day went well. It went well in the sense that I don’t think that this lady is any different than I did yesterday or the weeks prior, but it was pleasant and respectful and professionally distant.

I thought a lot about what we spoke about yesterday, in regards to the cousin, and her attack on me. I thought about how I have been triggered so much recently, often by other people that are doing the exact same in many other ways. The Idea that there is hardly anything left and if I get triggered one more time I will go over the edge.

And for the first time in a very long time I discuss this with my husband. Not in a complaining way, or an attacking way. But a true discussion, like between two best friends or colleagues, respectful. It reminded me how I was taught to be courteous and a great listener to everyone else but my own spouse.

You mentioned a week ago or so, how I often looked at other people who are not deserving of love and respect, as valuable, because I was searching for my mother’s love. You wrote, why not utilize the person in front of me, my loving and supportive spouse. The concept of if I am truly searching for that love and support in guidance, who better than my own spouse! But like you said, I was too wrapped up in the mother voice, to learn how to respect him and put him down, and not value him. Of course learning from the best mother (eye roll)

Yesterday, after I received that message from my director about the meeting, and spoke to you, I discuss this with my husband. I was first very triggered, angry. Saying  I don’t need to deal with this sort of thing I can easily quit. Which is absolutely true. But my husband and I started talking about the deeper context. The instant impulsive reactions. My reactions. My way of dealing with triggers. I told him about our conversation about the line between fear and escape, the frenzy. He mentioned to me that for all the years he has known me, I can be very impulsive, if I get an email that I don’t like I will immediately send a reply back. If I got a text matches that is triggering, I will immediately send  a paragraph back. He mentions, look back in your life and tell me how many times this is actually helped you? I thought. I didn’t react and respond – I just thought. And – He was right, getting worked up and having the sort of instant but response has always been detrimental to me. It has not necessarily been detrimental to the other person, but it continues to cause self harm. And the name of the game now for me is to reduce self harm. In fact, I should call this forum not just self trust and more, but how To reduce self harm. How to protect CC

We talked about many things, not the idea of giving into others that are abusive, but the concept of reducing self harm. Sometimes being an aggressor and throwing up hands in the air and saying —I will get you back -actually ends up hurting me. I guess I have been raised that if I am treated poorly I must fight back, not tomorrow not the next day but now immediately. I look back at my life and see how many situations could have been tempered if I was able to sit with myself for just a little longer. Now writing all this makes me sound like an impulsive volatile person. That’s not necessarily the case. But the point of my anecdotes is that I never truly sit with myself first And foremost

I decided this approach today, I told myself, that I do have options that if and when in the future I do feel like I’m being disrespected far too much, I can of course leave this job. But in the meantime the benefits of this job at way the negative. I work with this lady only about 1 to 2 times per week, my hours are good considering New York City and medicine. And besides her all of the other people I work with are extremely pleasant, More than any other place I have ever worked. But besides all of this, here is the most important thing: I have so much work on my plate right now, the work of healing. If I uproot myself and make it a point to also change my career, perhaps I will be distracted from my healing work. In the sense that over the next few months I am truly craving quiet, peace, and self-care. And I have started doing a great job of that. The Last thing I need is to add something new to my plate. I should take advantage of the fact that I have a relatively flexible job in regards to attending to my personal life (Being able to go to the gym, spend some time outside with the dog, or write to you, catch up on reading, socialize – when needed/wanted). I haven’t seen any of this as a benefit given that I have been so fixated on the negativity of this woman.

I told my director that I did not want to have the meeting tomorrow, I would like to postpone it to the following week if needed as this week was not good for me. He said okay. Went into work today with a calm attitude, calm and centered. The entire day was pleasant. We even share a few laughs. I didn’t go into it thinking that this person will now be my new best friend I just wanted to pass the 8 to 10 hours in the most pleasant way as possible for the whole team as well as the patients. I was successful in that. Perhaps I have learned something about how I can be disengaged and emotionally removed, yet friendly. This is not always an easy balance. Who’s to say – I won’t make too many judgments based on just one day. But at the end of the day my director came to me and said it looks like you both had a wonderful day. I said yes I agree and I think it will be just fine. I know that this person is unpredictable and I’m sure within the next few weeks at least, there will be another situation. I will tackle that when it arrives. For now I will try not to get too worked up about it- and take each day at time (for once)

And you know what Anita yesterday you said you know I will be OK, and to trust you. And I agree, I know I will be OK. As I am okay now.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Sorry to change the subject to an abrupt twist. But I can’t focus on anything else. I was just asked by one of my directors if I am OK for a meeting tomorrow after work for half an hour. I am mediately assumed it had to do with the mean lady Dr. because I’m working with her all day tomorrow. I said sure, why. I am very friendly with this person and we talk openly.

You mentioned to me that the mean lady doctor had a few issues and complaints about me and so he thought it would be a good idea for all of us to discuss given that he knows I have had issues with her.

I felt instantly triggered just like I did yesterday, weak and shaky.

Talk to him openly and so I explain my whole side, how I had an entire email written to explain all of the points in which she was just respectful and bullying to me. That a 30 minute meeting will not do anything that she is someone who has no insight and disrespect and manipulates people and she feels uneasy. I explained to him that I don’t have any tolerance for this sort of abuse at work whether it be one time a week or more. In essence, my approach to her will be to be quiet, and not engage, but if there is any patient issue of course. Also mentioned to him that if I was to work with her a few times a week and this sort of disrespect continued, I would have to look for another position

He does understand all of this and is open to my side, however does feel the need to have this meeting tomorrow given his role.

Oh Anita. I don’t have anything left.

Dear Anita,

I do trust you Anita.  I do.

Dear Anita,

I did, and will continue.

Yes mother you killed joy. WHY.

How evil how torturous.  What human being does that.  God and look at me now – I am almost turning into that to my own husband! The cycle continues!!! no i wont let it. NOOOO

i’ll do whatever it takes! ANYTHING!! you taught me all the wrong things were important! everything wrong.

So go to hell with everything.

CC is done being super social and giving aaway the goods for free.  what goods: kindness, sincerity, love

you took advantage of it! and thats why even unimportant people who do that now trigger me so much.

my own mother wanted to suck my joy away. so distressed with her lack, that it killed her to see me happy go lucky and carefree so there BAM – let me bring you down to my level.  SUFFER YOU MUST SUFFER!!!!!!

WELL I AM SUFFERING

from you from all these idiots here and there that have not a clue about their lives.  idiots!!! evil people.

i am glad I got to see the real you, and the manifestation of you in so many people I encounter so many of your qualities, black lady at work, this cousin.

you are everywhere, they are everywhere.

Dear Anita,

It is time.

First I want to say sorry to my husband for inflicting my anger and frustration and wounds onto him yet again.  I know I have to change – not change immediately as it is a path. But if i have to create an environment that is least triggering as possible (to my control) I will.

The exercise. I am going to write whatever comes to mind, whether directly at my mother, or similar people or whatever.

How dare you! How dare you enjoy what CC gives you, fun, humor, support. And step and stomp on her when you don’t feel great.  It is not my god D*** fault you are a flawed human being.  You may look great or fine from the outside, but you are an ugly disgusting monster! A monster with no insight.  Walking around the world trying to pretend you are kind.  Doing things for others, avaialbe.

That is not kind!!!!! you are not a good human.  Kind is not throwing a party, being there for a friend in need, and being fun and social.

kind is not stomping on people when you are down.  Character comes out when you are stressed, feeling bad. And what do you do – you ROAR on the most accesible vulnerable victim.  The  victim that makes you feel bad about yourself maybe.  Because she is happy and smiling. STOMP STOMP on CC.  Stomp.  God CC why cant you make me look and feel better about myself. WHY

why?!!

because you are disgusting.  You were born without the gene for empathy. the gene for true compassion.  the gene for true human closeness.

mother,

I see based on what Anita has enlightened me about, that I am highly triggered by women who remind me of you. selfish idiots who think themselves as God’s gift to the world, to men.  To be flawless, and for EVERYONE ELSE to be responsible for any issues they encounter.

Hollow shells of a being.

I can’t pray to God I won’t encounter these people in my life.  Of course I will, especially being in a city like NYC around people with many egos and high powered careers.

But I can say – I hate you for making me so triggered.  To feel like a ticking time bomb.  For the comment of this girl to put me over the edge to crying on an entire flight home.

To feel that everytime I make progress, I get triggered again – being  beat down.

I am so tired, and you made me so tired.  you took joy away, and so much energy.

I have a whole life to live ahead of me, and sometimes I don’t even think  I will make it.

Your abuse has made me into a monster.  a monster in one way, and a scared little lamb in another

liek you said right.  a lion outside, and a little lamb at home.

well good job.  good f***ing job – it worked