oh and by the way, I am working with the mean doctor today, and as I saw her get more moody I knew a jab was coming towards me – I could smell it. (knowing what I know now)

She goes “oh hun that perfume you’re wearing, I am sorry but I am just so sensitive to the scent”

(background, I am not wearing perfume, perhaps a body lotion from 6 am – entirely made as a jab not reality)

my response: “oh really that sensitive, that must be hard in nyc to have such a sensitive nose!”

that shut her up real fast -didn’t it? yes it did 🙂

dear Anita,

Yes, please! I think I know where you are going with it…but need to understand some more..

Dear Anita,

A long term intentional practice of calm.

Sometimes this feels like your whole life has to be dedicated to this.  As in, stop pause, and live life focused only on calm.

Other times it feels like, when you go throughout the day- you can keep it in mind.  The issue with this second way is that it is so easy to slip back, and then the frustration arises – of not keeping the calm (when you know better)

As you have said many times, to be angry with oneself will lead to nothing beneficial.

I notice my triggers very easily now, especially when they are certain people/types of conversations.  I think knowing this sometimes leads to more annoyance on my end the: “oh cmon you know better, why are you engaging in this sort of thing.”

But I have to remember that life is fluid it will come and go, so will the learning and experience.  You can’t avoid things – but you can surely engage less in time in things that don’t bring out good meaning.

Dear Anita,

This is an excellent point:

until it was no use to rest in relaxation, too fleeting, likely to be disrupted anytime.

The concept of, why even attempt or try?

Your next point is as well.  A reminder that this “jackhammer” doesn’t truly exist in my daily environment anymore.  I am so used to having it around that I subconsciously assume it is there, or perhaps even seek it.  Saying to myself: oh look at this jackhammer or that.  But it is up to me to maintain that calm.  Calm is everything.

Dear Anita,

Yes, and as I wrote you the list above, I was thinking about how it was a journaling exercise.  Cumulative, so in a few months time, or whenever it may be – we can reflect back and see if there are any changes to who SCC is and add on.  As I am sure in the process of relinquishing SCC, I will learn a lot more about who she truly is..

Dear Anita,

I will define SCC (here is a start at least)

1. OVER-engaging
   1. this goes beyond Friendly, to over-involved and consumed.  Not knowing when to “walk” away and go back to one’s self.  SCC gets immersed and engrossed in the other person’s conversation
2. Angry
   1. This may sound strange but SCC is angry.  Why? Because she has to be super of course! Deep rooted anger comes from the need to be super. ALWAYS. Not better and superior, but SUPER.  Super in the sense of always achieving one’s own sense of as good as possible.
3. Impulsive/Impatient
   1. SCC is always in a fury or frenzy.  She wants the results yesterday, she wants the decision tomorrow.  She has very little patience, and therefore can be impulsive.  She does not realize always that the world does not run on her “super” schedule – nor would it be healthy for it to.  Patience that all will be well, and in time – is key.
4. Faith (less)
   1. Overall, SCC lacks faith that things will work out just fine. She feels the need to “make them fine.” Sure in some ways that can be beneficial.  Efforts can succeed. But when it comes to important things in life – calm is key.  Patience and calm.
5.  Feeling the need to share
   1. SCC Notoriously does not enjoy something unless it is shared with others.  It is not bragging, it is sharing and allowing others to engage and enjoy the experience.  She thus dilutes it for herself most of the time, or is so caught up in explaining to others, she misses the joyful moment of her own

There’s a start..

Dear Anita,

I like the idea of the ceremony for her departure, it will be very special – for the both of us.

As far as the second part, my sister in fact would be great at describing this.  She would mention this very early on during our vacations, something that I only started seeing later on and recently.  An example would be she would ask me to explain to her the surroundings and what we were doing, so that she could feel she was enjoying.  As in, she would have trouble actually enjoying in the moment, so would want a reference.  Such as, okay little sister we are here swimming in this beautiful ocean having a wonderful time.  I didn’t recall then why or what not.  Looking back it was like this:

My mother would make a huge deal about this vacation we were going on – go on and on how she planned it and how it will be amazing.  Then for literally weeks before the trip she will incessantly talk about it, and even talk about packing (no matter how big or small the trip) when we were younger.  Then when finally say a few weekends before the trip arrive, she is going manic about packing! Making it extremely stressful and terrible.  Lets say at this time I wanted to hang out with a friend, she would scold me and say! We have to pack!

So then I would stay home to pack and get my things out, but she would repack all of our suitcases the “neat and right” way.

Then lets say we are at the airport.  My father has a horrible temper about the service we are receiving (I mean no one likes the airport right) – and my mother is complaining about this and that.  In between she is exclaiming how much fun we will have.  My sister and I when we were younger would be in our own world playing, but of course absorbing this.

Then we arrive, we are immediately thrilled my sister and I. Beautiful landscapes, amazing pool, perfect weather oh my!

But see – see all that was there prior! So how could a kid just simply jump in to enjoy?! i see it now.

And during the trip it wouldn’t stop of course.  Incessant talking about others.  Oh look at that family they are rich enough to bring a nanny with them.  Look at these American people never doing anything on their own, always getting help.  Oh the food here is so good but how overly expensive! Oh look at that other Indian family and how horrible they are dressed – jeez it makes our people look bad!

And of course – lets not forget – the worst of all – TDW example, oh look over there that group of 14, how fun that is.  Too bad our own family can’t cooperate like this.

So anyway all of this is there. And then as I got older I would feel a pressure to enjoy, when innately I likely didn’t feel relaxed.

For example my sister and I were at Atlantis while I was in my 20s and my sister was say 18 or so.  It is a beautiful resort in the Bahamas.  It is geared for families, and especially young children, but all ages can enjoy it.  Anyway, there is a world renowned water slide there. My sister and I had a blast – and then the pressure (didn’t realize it then)

My mother continued to say oh how amazing that slide is! You girls don’t want to go again?! If lets say we were relaxing for a moment.

My sister and I discussed this a few weeks ago.  She recalls feeling stressed not “enjoying Atlantis enough” – and we talked about how we had the pressure to enjoy a water park as though we were 8 years old.  Sure our mother brought us there, but its that underlying pressure to make sure she knew how much we were enjoying that encompassed the whole thing.

As though she wanted to jump out of her adult body and be on that slide instead

Dear Anita,

I am glad you like that visual, I had a feeling you would.

You are exactly right about the market, and why in his specific field there are limited positions: the need has to arise, someone has to retire, some expansion taking place etc.  As your husband stated, the medical climate is changed these days than say 20 years ago – so it is an even more difficult world.  We shall give it some time and see what happens!

I don’t remember that feeling at all, I am assuming I felt it then.  I have this vague sense that I did, waiting for my father to arrive home.  Being on a flight heading to vacation…

As an adult…at this exact time I do not recall this feeling.  I know it existed, but I can’t pinpoint that anticipatory exciting feeling.

So as far as the wedding I attend with N, I was excited to enjoy it (not the immense anticipatory joy excitement) more of a – let’s go and enjoy this feeling!

At this London wedding, it was exhaustion.  Enjoyed myself in the moment while I was there, but would have been equally (actually more) happy to be home with my dog and Netflix.  I am so so so very burnt out from weddings (I know I don’t have to explain to you why!).  In fact the first summer my now husband and I were together seriously we attending around 8 weddings during our residency training (when we didn’t have many weekends off!).

So at this time, I can not recall the last time I felt a deep down excitement wagging of the tale feeling.