Also, Anita I can only see the edited version of the post (which is fine) I can not see the prior un-edited.

And I wanted to add, in my rage I said I don’t want to go to anymore weddings, sick and tired – so he can go on August 24th on his own. maybe this is a good idea…? perhaps

Dear Anita,

This morning I was yelling.  It was like a crazy person talking to themself.  When the dog woke me up I was in such a deep sleep (seldom happens) that I woke up abruptly.  I felt so angry at – at —- my husband! I felt god!!! Why didn’t we put the automatic feeder on with the door closed.  Stupid husband always saying its ok he’s up early anyway! Well I don’t want to be up any earlier!!!! ROAR

He says its okay I am already up I’ll take care of the dog, you go get ready for work.

So this triggers me..

So I YELLED. I yelled and said something like: “god I am sick and tired of not getting sleep it is 5:45 AM, he is a dog – but we need boundaries! Don’t tell me it’s okay you are up anyway, I don’t want to be up earlier!!!!!! Staying out 2 extra hours saturday then up multiple times on Monday night, I can’t take it! I need sleep I need sleep.  I am sick and tired of giving my energy away!”

He says – why are you yelling at me? I am okay taking care of the dog, that’s why I said that.  Of course we can put the automatic feeder in.  Why are you yelling.

So in my rage I respond something like: “its not just about now – I am so god d***n sick and tired.  We need boundaries.  We need sleep and energy more than anyone.  Everyone else blood sucking leeches taking away from us, and we preserve nothing! I am sick of it.  That’s it.  If in the future we are out and I say it is time to go, we are leaving.  Just like our freind C (the ones who moved to Florida, his wife is quite “controlling” if lets say we are at a bar and she gives him a “look” he will literally drop his drink or toss it and say gotta go – when she says its time to go he obeys like a puppy) so  I say, we may think C and his wife are this or that, but they’re NOT!!! they are mature adults who know their limits.  When she says its time to go – he says okay and they leave.  They don’t act like 20 year olds running around without sleep.  I don’t want to live that way anymore!!

I get more angry.  (his friend’s wedding is coming up August 24, and you know how I feel about going to events and especially weddings these days).  I say if at O’s wedding you want to stay out till all hours of the night – be my guest.  I am not coming.  You know what people do – they do what THEY WANT.  You know how on fourth of July the (horrid wife) came and left when she pleased when we had the whole place set up.  who did she worry about?! HERSELF. Who do we worry about, others.  Idiots. Idiots we are.  So let’s say its our wedding, you think O is gonna stay out till 2 am if he and his wife need to work on themselves and there’s trouble in paradise.  You better believe he will be out the second its over.  But you, you will go along with it – you will say oh O wants to go out and do this, so I am going.

No more, next time we are out and we are tired, and I say its time to go, as in this has been a good night, more is not better – we are leaving.  I don’t want to be that controlling wife like C, but I have reached my limit.  I need sleep and I need us to grow up.

I was yelling and screaming Anita, enraged at 5:45 AM

oh and…

As far as the call thing, Yes I do sleep else where if I know he is on call, the thing about Monday is that those calls were slightly unexpected, it happens – it comes with the job.  It is foolish to get angry at the job.  and even worse to get angry at HIM because of the job.  But as above I was not being rational…

Dear Anita,

growing up is what is needed. It’s the first thing that I thought about this morning. I was woken up by the dog abruptly at 5:45 Am. When I had a nice deep sleep (hardly ever happens).

I was angry. Not annoyed – no full on angry. My husband mumbles something about how we have to wake up soon and I said NO!!

no we don’t its an hour early.

I am sick and tired of putting rest second. This is not a rant against my husband but out loud. My dog wakes up on the dot at 6 am daily. He is trained this way because of our early schedules. Of course. He’s a dog. He’s extremely time oriented and “work” oriented as though he’s on a schedule on a farm!

Anyway ive had trouble sleeping for years. Usually staying asleep. I can never fall back asleep after being woken up. That’s why things like being woken up in the middle of the night for whatever reason get to me after a build up.

On the weekends we hardly sleep in as our natural clocks are programmed to wake early. Regardless there are some days we sleep past 6 or so if we stayed up late the night before.

We bought an automatic feeder for the dog that is programmed to release the quantity of food at a certain time. Used it in the past but was loud and not ideal. We usually are awake anyway at that time so it wasn’t helpful.

Yet the other night my husband was on call and was woken up twice around 2 am, I too woke up. I couldn’t fall back asleep until around 4 am. And was able to go into work later (yesterday). Yes of course the dog (who I love) wakes me up at 6.

I remind myself how we need to restart the automatic feeder for days like that where I could actually have slept in.

I found myself angry this morning. Not at the dog of course, but my husband. He often says things like, oh it’s fine we are up anyway when the dog wants to eat.

I felt angry at him for diminishing how important even an extra half hour or hour of sleep is to me / us if and when we could get it.

Cali Chica is tired. So tired. And she doesn’t have the best sleep. So if she can preserve it somehow she will. She has to.

So it sounds silly and likely it is. But I felt angry at myself for keeping the door open last night so the dog could jump on me at 5:45 when I could have slept at extra hour. And angry at my husband when I bring up the automatic feeder he mentions we are usually up anyway. Well what about when we ARENT!!!

it goes back to preserving energy.

Time and again we give ours away. Away away. We have none left. To stupid people to random things, to that horrific wife that day before the trip, to the horrific cousin at the end of the trip.

Even on Saturday we were out with my friends, great group we decided to join their dinner. I was happy to and my husband and I discussed prior that it will be a good idea, versus knee jerk socializing. Yet the dinner ended late and I was ready to go home. My friends all said okay stay for just a little longer. I felt firm in my head that I was tired. Knowing I can’t sleep in naturally anymore after all the years of early mornings, staying out late can get to me after a while. Even if I am able to go without much sleep. I frankly don’t WANT to anymore. Anyway my husband was having a great time and continued to say cmon lets stay a little longer.

Of course it ends up being 2 more hours, sure we have fun hanging out at the friends apartment quality time talking laughing etc. but I don’t need to get home at 2 am. We are not in our 20s

i told my husband the next morning this. He said he agrees, he realizes he’s been feeling so stressed and burnt out that he subconsciously wanted to stay longer with that good group to chase some relaxation likely. I said yes I know I’ve been there. But nothing good comes out of it. Feeling good comes from a healthy lifestyle. Staying out late screws up more for us than others even. Next morning waking up at 6:45 am and hardly having sleep and then Bam it’s Monday crazy work week and he’s on call.

I talked about how we both need to grow up. No not grow up. GROW THE F UP.

We don’t have the liberty to act like children, letting random people in to our inner circle. Giving our energy away like candy. Not having boundaries for our own energy. Now this is about both of us not just one of us.

So now this morning. When I wake an hour too early. When finally finally I could have actually slept in longer – for once having nice deep sleep. I am pissed off.

Tired from staying up until 2 am Saturday and not making up the sleep. Tired from being woken up multiple times Monday night because of the call phone calls. Tired.

So yes I want that automatic dog feeder set up. I want the door closed every night so the dog will not sleep with us anymore. My husband says why are you bringing all this up at 5:45 am. I say because I am sick and tired. And I need to preserve sleep first and foremost.

Yes does it sound like crazy angry person at 5 am. Sure. But maybe it’s a long time coming.

Dear Anita,

I’ll talk to you about something that I don’t really ever talk about. What I do at work. Well not what I do but this is what comes to mind today. I read your last post as I was leaving work. I was only at work for six hours today, not bad at all. And the six hours we did 18 procedures, I gave Anesthesia for 18 patients for 18 procedures. Yep, efficient place. Very. Well oiled machine. Which is my kind of flow.

So This includes me pushing the stretcher of the patient in and out of the room as well, sometimes these patients can be large. It doesn’t even bother me. I never eat lunch, there is no such thing as a lunch break for us. Yes I eat snacks from time to time, fill myself up with granola bars and nuts quickly in between. But no scheduled lunch break ever. Which can definitely get to you on a day like 7 AM to 5 PM. You know I never thought about these things before. But given over the last few weeks I have really thought about my trajectory, the type of job I want in the future, moving away from the idea of myself opening up my own wellness center that is something way in the future not what we are talking about right now.

I thought to myself, it would be nice to perhaps have a desk job, as in my own office, and see patients in the clinic setting. It comes with a different sort of headache but it might be nice not pushing stretchers of patients, it might be nice to actually have a lunch break. It might be nice to work from 8 to 430 every day with a reliable schedule. The job in Southern California would be this way. I would be in an outpatient setting seeing patients, and a clinic, and doing procedures on certain days. I’m not saying it’s better, but today I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me, 18 procedures, 18 patients, and my head is spinning. One may say oh but you only worked from 10 AM to 4 PM. But I feel like I worked 12 hours.

Saying this out loud to you or myself to say oh my God I’m so tired my job sucks. There’s good and bad teaching every job. The benefit of anesthesiology is that I don’t have to deal with any kind of patient phone calls, and this particular position when I am home I am done, there are no nights or weekends. Perhaps  however, learning about that Southern California job, it’s been on my mind, scheduled patients, never overscheduled, not an extremely fast paced system, nope not Entirely efficient. It’s funny to hear me say that, someone who tries to be super, but perhaps I feel like maybe for sometime I don’t want to be so super anymore, even at work, maybe it would be nice to eat lunch once in a while – so to speak.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

The plan (if it was at this exact moment) would be to start his own practice.  Rent space from an exisiting model – or collaborate with an established physician.

He would be going out on his own, developing his own name and practice.  Daunting.  If it works, excellent.  If not, not excellent at all.

A risk.

However, there is the benefit of working for your own self, and dictating how your run your practice…

Dear Anita,

I wanted to thank you again for bouncing ideas about this with me.  It means a lot to me, and it is very helpful. I don’t want to speak to anyone else in my life about it, as last year I did, and then you have way too many opinions and busybodies floating around.  This time it is inner circle – and you of course.

I wanted you to elaborate when you reply on this:

 It may even make sense to make an impulsive move, to .. just move someplace that is promising and take it from there. Crazy, isnt it.

Good morning Anita,

This morning I did not go step-by-step. This morning I woke up tight, stressed, frustrated. I woke up feeling a lot of tension in my body, a lot of annoyance. My husband was on call last night, he was called a few times overnight which naturally disturbed both of our sleep. This is not uncommon it happens every once in a while, it comes with the job. However, this morning I was quite frustrated. I thought to myself I just need some rest, he just need some rest. I am not complaining about the jobs because he did sign up for it we actively chose both of our careers. But I am just sick and tired sometimes. I talk so much about how I don’t want to go here or there or talk to this person or that, but that is hardly the case. I Just want to feel refreshed. This is what I felt like this morning. And well – it Wouldn’t matter if I had a few weeks off if in my brain I wasn’t able to feel at ease, of course I don’t have to tell you that.

Let’s see what else – on my end here there are some updates and thoughts. Many thoughts as always. Here it goes.

Last year around this time actually my husband and I were finalizing our plans for the next step. We were in southern California looking at jobs and were also open to Denver and some other locations. At the time the best opportunity for me in the region presented itself in the orange county area of CA. Surprisingly as it is a beautiful, expensive, and competitive market there. I found an opportunity with a hospital in which I would have a good position with opportunity to grow over the years (I want to utilize leadership skills one day) and with great benefits and good work/life balance in the sense of vacation time/sick days (very uncommon in medicine). The salary would be a pay cut from the East coast / NY area – but the overall package was fair and made up for it – especially given the location. Thus a good package over all – maybe even a great one.

My husband was very happy about this for me, and he felt very proud about it. However, at the time he was looking to join the practice of it sooner individual who is out there in the area.Spoke with him multiple times and even met with him and his wife for dinner while we were out there. They seem like a very nice family, and the physician was Quite notable in his field yet quite humble.

I did have a certain strange feeling about it though. My husband would be essentially independent in the sense of starting his own practice, but would be able to share the resources of this individual who is very established in the area. Therefore he would be paying for the cost of sharing his resources including his office space staff and marketing. This is not uncommon. However, the price that this position was quoting us was very high. Given that my husband would not have any revenue or any new patients there for at least six months to a year the cost benefit ratio did not seem very reasonable. Often in these scenarios what happens instead is that there is a 50-50 share. The new position doesn’t get a salary per say, but whatever he does make, he gives back 50% to the company or the owner to cover the costs of his overhead.

This is “standard” in many areas. Anyway I know I am telling you a lot of details about this, but at this time this is the part of my life, and situation that is most pressing so you may be hearing about this more.

Anyway, at the same time, my husband got a job offer from the place that he is working now in New York City. We waited both options. I had good options in both areas, Southern California or New York City as I have mentioned prior my job market is very open. With him, after everything that we had gone through mentally all the torture an emotional trauma from my mother, he wasn’t necessarily Ready to go out there and hit the ground running and started his own practice. And employed position at a large hospital that was more stable seemed to be a better idea. That plus the fact that this individual that I spoke about above wasn’t being very reasonable and the financial sense of how my husband would be sharing costs as noted. At the end of the day it was our gut feeling to move back to NYC. Place that is home, and very close to his family friends etc. not to mention we do love the city life.

So here we are now it is summer 2019. His job, That’s a prizing Lee, is very taxing. This is in some major surprise and that we are really disappointed. Taking a job at a large academic center near a city with a high volume of patients many of which are very difficult, and the stuff that is less than ideal is a known burden. This is why many people move away, I have mentioned our friends that moved to Florida, and there are many others were moved all over the country.

So here we are again, what to do?

Interestingly a few weeks ago there was a job posting for my field, anesthesiology and Denver. It looks like a great job, and in fact it was a location that we had visited on our last trip there when we were exploring jobs. I reached out to the posting, and it looks like they are interviewing soon. This opened up the conversation again. What is our plan. Do we want to stay here? New York City is great, however the weather as extreme and not predictable, my husband and I do love outdoor activities, we would much rather spend the entire day out on the lake or at the park then barhopping at this stage in our lives. However we truly do enjoy the walk ability of the city, you really don’t need a car and you can walk anywhere and everywhere just with in a few minutes whether it be Central Park, or a live band concert you truly can live whatever life you want. There are 90-year-old grandmothers to live here so they can enjoy the vibrance of the city as there are new college students who are partying till all hours of the night. There is something for everyone and anyone. And the energy, that palpable feeling is unbeatable.

The weather is not predictable but there is nothing like a summer nearest city the city truly blooms everyone comes out from every nook and cranny to enjoy what the city has to offer whether it be young families single people married people, tourists. It is vibrant.

So here’s the thing, what do we want in the next five years? We see ourselves having children in the next five years, do we want to raise them here. Or would be much rather be somewhere where we could be hiking one weekend and even skiing the next. Or less extreme, be able to take a nice walk outside and nice nature and scenery every single day of the year almost. All of these areas are far away from his parents, how important is that? We do want his parents to be very involved in our future children, would that be feasible from the other side of the country? They are retired and very flexible and supportive, they would be happy to come stay with us for even a few months at a time, but yet they are elderly, and their mid-70s, and they have their family and roots deeply ingrained in this area – we would not want to uproot that.

A lot of questions, and of course there is not one single answer. Thank you for listening to this stream of thought by the way…

Well I forgot to actually mentioned the important thing of resent I got carried away with talking about the concept of what to do. So like I said last year I was offered a position in the Southern California area, the one I outlined above. Very understanding when I told him that I was not going to take it as it wasn’t going to be the right idea for us to relocate at the time, the two individuals the older male physicians that would be my supervisors there were very supportive of this. (Uncommon)

I decided, what the heck let me reach out to them again. I emailed them last week just to touch base and see what their status was right now, and also to keep in touch. The main person emailed me back very happily and said that it was great to hear for me and that if I wanted a similar position was still available, and he would be able to outline it for me and even make some changes to accommodate what I was looking for clinically. This was a breath of fresh air. If for no other reason but human kindness. Someone who was not disgruntled/passive aggressive with the fact that I retracted my decision a year ago, and continue to be kind and supportive. That is a gem in this world. Regardless, I thought about it. Here it is, or year later, or you’re more healing our year of having moved back to New York City, our year of seeing that my husband has a very poor job market despite his extensive training given well just the market. Lastly, or year of suffering as well. Seeing that what is most important is inner circle. It doesn’t matter the job, the title, the fines, or even the outside family, what matters most is the daily peace and ease of my husband’s life on a day to day basis. ESPECIALLY if we plan on having children in the next few years! What Matters is seeing our dog testing out the water before he jumps and swims and seeing his face bright and happy like we have given him the biggest treat in the world. Matters is my husband and I are going for a walk outdoors in any place in the world but him not getting a barrage of calls and text messages from random disgruntled patients because the staff are on able to organize which phone calls he should and should not get. What matters is that he has peace. It may seem counterintuitive to say that, he chose a field that is very stressful. But I don’t believe this, environment is everything. We are not so foolish to think that if we move somewhere everything will just be perfect, but I have to say that the environment he is in now is quite toxic, probably one of the worst in the country that’s for sure.

Anyway, the supervisor from that job, in California, called me last Friday. We had a nice chat and he out loud and some of the things that we have spoken about last year when I had met him in person. I explained to him again that of course my husband’s job was the rate limiting factor, but at this point in our lives we were a little more ready to make that move versus last year, he said he understood entirely.

So then what would he do out there? Good question. We can reach out to the prior position again the one that he would be sharing space and overhead with, to see if the offer still stands, and perhaps he could make it more reasonable now if he still has a need.  Life is all about timing isn’t it. But you know what Anita you know what I want for my husband. I want him to have mental space. This is what I visualize.

I visualize us working here until about January. I then visualize us moving cost country to California. I see myself starting my job in about February, a job that I ease into as the tasks are outlined and it is of reasonable expectation.

but I see my husband, I want my husband – to breathe. After the phone call I had on Friday, my husband and I discussed this extensively for over a few hours. It was nice to actually have the mature and important/necessary  life talk.

Said to him you need mental space whenever and we will move whenever we get there, I want you to take a least a few months to do nothing. I want you to wake up every single day with the dog and walk a few hours if you want, I want you to be able to explore the land and heal your soul and heal your brain. I was able to do that somewhat this year because at least my job allowed me that mental space, you aren’t able to. In fact your job created even more mental trauma for you requiring even more healing.

Talked about everything that you have told us, how it is so important for myself to become an order for my husband to be calm. We talked about all of the advice that you have given me in regards to that, and how useful and precious it is. Talked about how a few weeks ago things are really bad and your advice was to get divorced, rightfully so. I talked about how bad things have really been for us all truly center in from the mother voice. It’s time to throw the mother voice away as well as SCC. It’s foolish and naïve to think that a geographical move will change your entire brain, and that you will leave the old skeletons behind. In fact many people are highly disappointed day in and day out when they realize, that wherever they go there they are. I know this. I also know that we need a new chapter, a brand new one starting from scratch. A fresh start.

a fresh start.

Nothing more then this is the time in which we need it the most, mentally. It is now that my husband suffers even more than I do. If you were reading this book like a chapter by chapter scenario, my mother has always been there she put forth a lot of her abuse and trauma on to me,me, then I project it onto my husband. I go ahead and I heal first, he then needed a world of healing himself. He needs to be able to start on his path. Just like I have. It is time.

I said to him I want you to take time to have mental space. And he looked at me and said yes that’s what I truly need (oh Anita it was so nice for him to surrender and say and admit that’s what he really needs) and he continues – but of course I’m scared to do that, it is hard to just take time off especially in our careers, what will people say what will future employer say, how can we swing it  we pondered it. I thought about it’s not a foolish/hasty thing, it’s not like saying OK  let’s quit our jobs and be surfers at a shack all day. But all I know is that over the last few years and the time that I have communicated with you, I can tell when something is the right decision, just like February 13 2018 when I knew it was the right decision to never speak to my parents again, something in my soul is ready and knows. And this time around I know, that what he needs his space, I will have a stable job and a decent income to support us for the amount of time that that it is, and slowly, slowly I believe he will be able to start his own surgical practice out there. Especially with the help of my ability to market/network expertly given my engaging personality, I was born to do that stuff (although at this exact second it sounds utterly exhausting in time I will look forward to it – not in a Super way but in a healthy productive way). But most importantly, the fact that after having mental space and time to have clarity and time to heal, my husband will be back, better than ever. Back to the vibrant person he once was. With passion and energy. Or no that is incorrect, perhaps not the person he once was, but a new version that has a fresh mind and spirit.  Time to renew and refresh. To feel like himself, to feel good.

thats all for now, thanks for listening. I wonder what your thoughts are.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Good Morning.

This morning (I tried) to do things step by step. I woke up, had my full glass of water, fed the dog – and made the bed.  I didn’t just through the comforter over the bed.  I actually took the extra 30 seconds to do it properly.  So much of life involves focus for only a few seconds longer to do it “right”, yet, when we are frenzied that amount seems too much/or fleeting.  I then took my dog on a walk and paid attention to him, and not the frenzy of those around me in their hustle of the AM commute.

I noticed I wished the walk was much longer, my dog looked up at me as though to say “where next?” I said out loud – this is it for now, but I will take you after work.

It reminds me of the ideals that are most important, and the list- making that list.

I thought about how you mentioned that you believe that “wagging of the tail” is within me, deep down inside.

I think so too, I think there are many layers above it of course.  First of which, our next step.  Chapter 2.  Where will we move and what jobs.  That is the center of my husband and my talks/priorities at this time.  Therefore, more than ever we must focus on inner circle.  What needs to be done to self preserve, to retain energy and focus, and not give it away.