I think it is, in fact I was searching for one earlier today.  Here in NYC there are thousands of course, but how many “competent” caring, not just wanting your money? Hmm..hard to find.  Especially on a decent schedule.

And it is not that I am “too good” for it – but there are so many incredible bad ones, especially not suitable for individuals who have done so much work like i have (or yourself) that it makes it that much more difficult. often an assistant to the main psychotherapist is seen first.  I find that whole process frustrating and it turns me off.  But of course finding anyone of value will take time and effort.

So still, it is my job to try – I must.  I will.  It may be trial and error – but I must.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

“life WAS helping her. Everything was her. everything. Even when I thought it wasn’t- it sure was. her”

You know what’s good today Anita. I am so tired, that I am too tired to come from an intellectual state.  It reminds me of the concept of how the truth comes out when you hit rock bottom, when you have “nothing” left.  Uncovering of sorts.  Not that this is “rock bottom” it is simply the twists and turns of the healing journey.

So to elaborate as authentically as I can:

I see me as someone who is strong and capable, as someone who has a good sense of herself.  But where did this come from? It is perhaps a lie.  See all of life was her.  Even when I didn’t think it was her (meaning I was attending to me, myself, my friends, my needs) it wasn’t.  It was a lie.  See even if I was “attending” to people of my choosing, it was always subconsciously to make her happy.  See it was always to make her happy.  It was all a lie, that I had any identity or self will – self imposed will – self drive. What is myself anyway?

As a kid I thought, or was told I was defiant and strong willed.  It seems doesn’t it – this that I was strong and confident! A person of her own will! But when you ask me what I would be doing if it wasn’t Helping her, appeasing her, my mind is a blank.  it occurs to me that this is life. LIFE is her.  All her.  It is like in Hinduism when they say we reincarnate – so then did I come back as a reincarnation as her crutch…I smirk as this i one of the things she praised teh most! Oh my daughters!! Look at this amazing daughter how Lucky I am to have her, look how much she cares about her mother.

But what is this daughter, who is she? her life has been a lie. CC being so happy and outgoing. lie.  CC being so friendly and engaging. lie

All she did was for her mother, to help her mother.  Thats all she iss.  That is who she is.  She is no one else.  She is mommys little helper.

She was told all this great stuff about herself, she engaged in so many great things. But her mind and life is blank.  A puppet for her mother. The mother child.

The best part, her mom taught her bull***t – so not does she not have a life outside of HER. HER is a lie in itself!! its not like she spent her life attending to an ailing mother dying of cancer for 20 years so her only role is caregiver.  No because in this case her life wouldnt be a lie.  she would have just missed out on key development perhaps – or had a different route.

This isnt a different route.  This is – what is it…

This is a bad birth

Hello Anita,

I am sorry that you feel overwhelmed, but I do know it is a byproduct of your ability to have empathy.

What I meant by that is the following:

When you asked me what I would be doing instead, instead of helping my mother – I had a blank.  Total blank.  It occurred to me that life WAS helping her.  Everything was her.  everything.  Even when I thought it wasn’t – it sure was. her.

it is never enough. never.

instead i would play with my friends, but I dont have that many friends like other people, my mom says its like that sometimes and we don’t always have company

(i was at a standstill here because i thought wait – life IS TRYING for her – if it wasnt for that what would I do? – well blank..no concept of what that even means..blank)

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.

when she is upset and mad she looks like angry lady

her eyes get small and mean, she speaks with her mouth a certain way, you can see all her teeth – she looks like maybe an actor ina movie when they get angry like maybe a cartoon

she says lots of things. she says things like:

she knows she shouldnt have trusted i was going to help her, because i always screw up

she knows that i like my dad more anyway and she sees how i look at her, like im not on her side

she says how im “shrewd” and that im smarter than i look, that im good at tricking people that im innocent, but im “smart” and i only care about myself

she says im too “innocent’ and just listen to whoever and whatever without thinking, getting tricked easily, that im foolish

that im a lamb outside but a lion at home, meek and foolish outside, but at home -ready to fight like a lion, roar

then i feel really sad. i go in my room, but you know what. she quickly gets happy again and then says oh im the best daughter or something. and then we go out to eat and have fun.

or sometimes then my dad comes to me and makes me happy and then i dont feel so sad that my mom wasnt that nice.  usually it goes away fast

my mom has no one, so  im her person. she always says how shes so happy that at least she has me. sometimes my dad is bad to her so then she has no one.  my poor mother she has no one.

(anita I am having trouble accessing what it “feels” like to be the hero – only thing that comes to mind is above if I channel Young CC)