Dear Anita,

I look forward to your notes about interpersonal skills, I’ve benefited very much from doing a workshop yesterday, sitting down and doing homework, writing things out. After I got off the computer with you, I read out loud to my husband to everything that I wrote down. It ignited a lot of conversation for two hours. It was so very productive, like our first couples therapy session without the therapist. Igniting productive conversation. It is the real work. For me solo and for him and I together. I look forward to doing more workshops like that, doing the homework solo, and some together.

Interesting that our topic today is rushing. Today, is a Friday, when I usually work with that mean lady. She is thankfully on vacation. At least the universe had my back given that I had a tough week, to work with her would’ve been very depleting. That goes without being said. But the point of the matter is that luckily I was able to leave work early today, in fact I am actually walking out of the door as we speak. It’s funny because the first thing that I thought about was that I shouldn’t be typing while walking, but I did want to get some thoughts out to you. Rushing is exactly this multitasking. So as we speak I’m currently sitting in a park adjacent to where I work, and writing to you. Focusing only on one task, thinking and writing.

Rushing is innate. I thought about the concept again, of myself at this  dinner table. Great visual. I thought about something a little bit different today. It’s not about just the role. You are right and we talk about Roles a lot, and assigning of roles. It has become my understanding that my identity is this a role of being super and rushed. Like saying I am super Type A go go go. Like a personality trait. But I noticed that it’s different than a personality trait.

90 percent of my issues would go away if I stopped rushing. This is not just rushing as in physical rushing walking fast doing things fast trying to multitask cooking three things at once instead of focusing on one. It’s Also the washing of speech, not thinking before I am speaking. Over engaging as a nature without asking myself do I actually want to be a part of this conversation. Habit, habit, habit.

Let’s take the example from London, this cousin was very rude to me yes for sure. That’s a fact. But let’s rewind, my husband and I spoke about this last night. I was over engaging with her. I don’t know this person inside and out like my own sister, yet I was giving her the attention and trust of someone I deeply know, so when I quickly became burnt by her I was very sad and hurt and disappointed. A wise and mature person would take their time and tread carefully with a person before jumping right in. Having boundaries, not rushing into caring about someone or trusting them, or believing that you actually know who they are.  My sister used to have this problem often growing up as she was very desperate to make friends so she would believe herself to be best friends with someone where earlier than was healthy.

Well, I see she’s not the only one, for example with this cousin when she brought up these topics about this guy visiting while we were all at this wedding, I could have thought about the concept before speaking instead of jumping into it to make sure that she felt secure and better about it. Who am I to make her feel secure and better about this when in fact her decision was foolish. I’m not her therapist or psychiatrist trying to call her deepest insecurities and fears. Of course this goes back to roles, and the idea that I was my mother’s therapist and psychiatrist so to speak so I don’t have the off switch for this when it comes to even people that I don’t know so well. But I don’t want to digress from our topic, rushing. I rushed into being a supporter for her during this scenario in London. I rushed into being her confidant for this. I rushed into giving her advice. If I had stayed more emotionally reserved and detached from her own personal scenario, I may not have also been in the Spitfire when her insecurities came. Husband was mentioning this today morning actually and he is absolutely right. It has nothing to do with whether she was right or wrong, clearly she was in the wrong. But I rushed myself into her lap almost!

Rushed into her lap so that she could poke and prod at me. Then I am disappointed and sad that someone that I thought was close to me and kind would treat me this way. Foolish!

So rushing leads to all sorts of issues

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I hope you have a positive evening as well.

I will write more here, to continue the thought process which we started, knowing you will read this tomorrow.

I thought about how I said outward, I am a terrible interpersonal communicator..  How that felt good.

It felt good to not cover something up, perhaps that is like the constant showing up that has been exhausting to do.  Perhaps it is like the social butterfly role.  I think often how the social butterfly gets exhausted, she over did it.

But I think so much of it is beyond being over tired, over exhausted.  It is being given an identity that is not mine per se.  Or perhaps wanting to create a whole new identity.

So much of my talk is frenzied speech..  So much of my “socialness” is not knowing when to shut up.  So much of it is guilt and knee-jerk pattern based. Do I enjoy the company of others, sure.  But have I become increasingly resentful, yes..  The inner circle.

We talked a lot about the inner circle this month (well in July).  I looked at my roots as why I would get so mad and annoyed at S, oh her stupid wedding.  Attributing it to not wanting to engage all the time, or hear about BS.

The thing is it has all pointed to one thing, Cali Chica is tired.  But she does not just want to rest, she wants to change.  She wants to go into a cocoon and come out as a different butterfly. A rebirth, a transformation.  She does not like the costume she is wearing right now.  And yes the visual of relinquishing the wonder woman costume for the slim nude silhouette is sexy and appealing – it doesn’t just happen this way.

In my “therapy” work today – I realize many false truths about myself.  First of which is that I am a good interpersonal communicator.  I think about how blind my mother was to how she came off to others, and who she was in the world.  I am similar.

Acting out of frenzy is not your innate self.  So if I am constantly frenzied, am I ever myself? Yes, I am myself online when I speak to you.  I am myself in small moments when I do whatever I want without fear of others.

Do you want to know something? You know how I tell you that I often have mindless chatter about other people.  Useless stuff, oh M came to work today and she was telling us how hard it is for kids to get into schools here.  Oh Y is going away this weekend but all their plans got ruined, oh Z is doing this.  It  isn’t gossip or malice or anything, it is just mindless chatter and talk.

Well today, I had none of it.  Because I was too tired.

I love being too tired.  When I am too tired I am my true self.  I am authentic CC.  The true needs, wants, wishes, and calm state comes out. It is this person that is a sponge for change and growth.

The frenzied CC is too busy buzzing around to be back down to earth, floating around not grounded.  Not on purpose of course.

It shouldn’t have to be this way, the day after an enraged breakdown I have clarity and I am grounded and too tired to be frenzied.  Too tired to be frenzied, so not frenzied.  It can’t be this way, it is not a way to live, falling to bottom to feel your true self.  A vicious cycle.

Surely there must be a way to access this “too tired” innate CC without that.  I know it will be with mindfulness.  I know there will be no easy way.

I also see this visual of a bumble bee buzzing around aimlessly back and forth up and down in and out.  Making it no where, buzz buzz buzz.  I see how tired this bumble be gets, but accomplishing nothing.  This has been the past few years.  Not that I made no progress.  But there is usesless distress, and useful learning.  The meaningless distress is the buzzing around, feeling it means something, or has a voice, but it is just useless.

I instantly have a visual of my mother on the couch.  Small woman, petite in height on a long couch, with a blanket almost over her head.  Like a squirmy child, in distress pouting and – yes not in reality.  Unable to grasp what is going on.  This mother child  squirming around making child like noises, so if to say, hellp me save me I am drowning over here.  I feel no remorse for her, I feel nothing. I see it and think of a sick person, a flawed person, a lifelong patient in the psych ward – who never actually showed up.

So yes, I have seen useless cyclical distress my ENTIRE LIFE, and not seeing any progress.  Not seeing the value of support, help, therapy, change.  Of course not..  It was taken as is.  This is how your mother is..  Done.

This is why I do not see the value of support, help, therapy, or change.  I have no hope or faith in it innately because I never saw it.  its not like I had a mother who attended therapy and learned to manage anger.  Or a mother who worked on herself to be less aggressive to my father.  Or a mother who changed for the better even one percent, or a mother who said how much we helped her, but never was helped.  Nothing helped her. So of course I don’t have faith that anything can help.  Of course I don’t see value in any “tactics to change.”

But here’s the huge gap – my mother never even TRIED! (not to say if she did she would be better, but for conversation sake). she never tried.  She never once did anything to try to become better, and convinced us that the way she is – is how she is – and that is her both curse and achievement.  How interesting.  Such a curse to be emotional she would repent, and another tie, oh look how much I feel, God made me so caring.

If I saw how much we “did” for my mother and she only got worse, how do I have any faith in what support truly does..?

Dear Anita,

I went back and reread one of your post that talked about the dialectical behavior therapy. What incredible concepts, I hope to elaborate on those further whether it is with you or perhaps a psychotherapist of my own. I have so much faith in the work that we do here.  The Concept of reality testing is so extremely interesting to me.  Of course I do not believe that it replaces professional psychotherapy entirely, but I know that the work that I’ve done with you is above and beyond what most can comprehend. Our interaction is truly incredible, helpful, and undeniably life-changing. I am so ever grateful for this.

I am going to Go to staples right now to print out that worksheet of interpersonal relationships. I think it is an excellent idea for myself to print it out, and hand one form to my husband and one to myself. Given that I realized only a few minutes ago, that I am terrible at intrapersonal communication, what better place to start turn on the workshop about it.

One thing I see today- is that I have been resistant to therapy in the past because of my intellectualization. Feeling that I understand concepts enough that I don’t necessarily have to go backward and think about the cost and benefit, as I outlined in the work I did earlier with you today. Zooming through life doesn’t make for someone who learns from their past behaviors. I must now learned from my past behaviors. Sure I have an exact reason for what I am and what I’ve gone through, a root. But that doesn’t take away the hard work of learning from my own mistakes.

It’s not that I think I am too good or I am already fine. It is that I don’t have that much faith in value in doing this sort of work. But today because of everything that you typed out, so meticulously, I see so much amazing value in it, so much incredible value but in such a simplistic sense as well. It is truly fascinating. The same things that you can ask someone who is a child can also be asked to an adult, and yeah I could make a world of a difference. It could be something as small as, when you walk into the room how do you want people to see you? This sort of work for an adult could be life altering, and if I asked to a kindergartner it could be also fascinating to here their response.

I’m saying is that I feel very motivated by what you have posted to me today, and I feel very admiring of the therapist that helped you so very much. Fortunate that I have someone like you to share that abundance of wealth with me. Perhaps after all you have made me into a believer of what this sort of work can actually do.

In Order to engage in any lifelong sort of treatment you must have faith that you think it will work. For long-term. I already have faith that our interaction is very beneficial to both you and I. But beyond that I have not been Very dedicated to a treatment plan that is disciplined. I can’t say I will jump start it tomorrow, and that would be foolish. But I do have some more hope about it, and more faith in it.

Dear Anita,

Funny our ability to always get each other on the same page. As soon as I posted and submitted to you, the inter-personal aspect came back to mine. I wanted to go back and edit my post but I didn’t. Because what is innate is flowing, and that says a lot about me. Here is the thing, my interpersonal skills are not great. They are garbage. Because of what matters is where they are most important, with my husband. That’s wonderful that I am engaging and awesome with patients and colleagues and strangers, but what the hell does that even mean? It is useless fluff. I have terrible interpersonal skills with my husband, all I do is lash out and have rage. If things are fine and I am not triggered I am OK (decent) but the moment I am triggered, which is often, I have zero effective  ways of interpersonally communicating. So no Cali Chica is not a good communicator. No she sucks.

Wow it feels good to say that. I haven’t even gone to a true psychotherapist yet, and already am correcting truths about my own identity. Applause

Thank you again for the millionth time for presenting this paperwork to me I know it was a tedious process for you to type all of that out and I extend my greatest gratitude.

Yes, I am not assertive. I am rash, rude, and domineering often. Appropriate assertiveness is. Not the negative connotation. It does not mean to be a bulldog a raging and roaring  but not actually saying anything. What do I actually say, do I even say what I mean? Do I even know what I mean? Sometimes I may think I am assertive but I am not actually speaking my truth. I am not outwardly saying, sorry I am too busy to deal with you right now I must get back to my own self. Of course no one in society says this out right, but I don’t even get close to it. Always worried about offending others. BUT NEVER worried about offending my dear husband. WHY. Why is that, the rules don’t apply when it comes to him, I treat him entirely different than anyone else? Why is that?

To your next post:

“for it is as incorruptible as a child, who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth”

I am elaborating on this poem before I read what you wrote, and I then went back to read what you wrote about fear. Here is what I wrote prior:

This child will except no compromise, how smart this child is, it will not stop tormenting us until we seek the truth, we must not EVADE the truth. How humble, kind, smart, and loving this child is. What do I see here? OK I am going to close my eyes and voice text this Anita because I must speak it with my words and not type it with my fingers. Here it is, a sweet child a round flawless face with bigeyes and sleek hair. A sweet kind child, not unlike a puppy, bigeyes and adorable. Simply adorable you just want to squeeze those cheeks. The child is speaking in what language, the language of love. The child is speaking so much love the child is confused by this too but it doesn’t know how to speak anything else it is speaking love. Then of course the child becomes more confused, but yeah it doesn’t know any other language it only knows that one language, so what is it to do? Now the child just screams, it doesn’t know any other language so it pouts and screams and screams and screams it grows defiant. The child has not learned another language, is there another language but love? So it is acting out, the child spoke love but became confused with all of the HATE so now it just screams and roars. Over and over.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Incredible.  Thank you immensely for typing all of  this out.  I want to reply in segments.

I too enjoyed this poem, enjoyed in the sense that it is simple and makes sense, not overly flowery or abstract.

It states:

Contentment is life living through you.

Joy is life living through you.

Satisfaction and strength

are life living through you.

peace is life living through you.

And I think, I know, I have none of those.  Contentment – no.  Joy – no. Satisfaction -no. Peace -definitely no.

I do not have life living through me.  Nope. In fact I do not feel I am living.  I feel I am circling, but not living.  Wow, what a shame. Surely is.

Dear Anita,

Yes. I am.

I also am overwhelmed at the pattern at lashing out at my husband and am starting to feel it is “out of my control.” Of course the educated individual in myself with a strong head knows that is BS. Just like when a patient tells me they are destined to be obese it is out of their control, I say – no you can do it! And motivate them.

I know it is different, but intellectually I know exactly what you say the mindfulness and the practice.

But – the innate self feels overwhelmed and cyclical.  I don’t actually feel the medications will change much as I do not believe they will “keep me from lashing out.” I do believe there is a time and place for them, and I am not sure if this part of the journey really is for that..

I do need to find a quality psychotherapist which I have been working on today and yesterday. I also look forward to your notes.

So at this point, I worry for my husband – having this pattern of using him as a punching bag.  Over and over and over.  He is sick and tired.  I am sick and tired.

Dear Anita,

Moderation.

And you do believe with practice I can achieve that, interesting.  This morning I felt this sense that the “ups and downs” are useless and circuitous.  That I convince myself that it is useful because I am finally feeling and not as numb.

I know there is no answer, but do you personally think that in this I am actually activating past trauma and processing? is there “use” in any of this feeling/distress?

Thank you Dear Anita, I will keep that in mind.  Have a good rest of your day.