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Cali ChicaParticipant
Dear Anita,
Fear itself is pain. Wow.
Go straight to anger, not noticing fear.
That’s exactly it, better said. I do not notice fear, I skip over it – so It seems – and go quickly to anger. I do not RECOGNIZE MY FEAR.
Especially fear of being stuck. Especially.
Going quickly to anger does not benefit anyone, not myself, not my husband – no one.
I will work hard to keep awareness of doing this. Okay on to your first post of the day
Cali ChicaParticipantDearest Anita,
I started reading your incredible post to me today, and I paused – I was not focused. I was not focused so I paused – naturally I would push through – I did not.
Let me explain further. Something went on inside of me just now that is perfectly relevant for this discussion.
I mentioned to you last week that I will be having a Gyn appt soon to start the process of a work up – if needed. Given that I am not getting younger I do want to get an idea of where some of my labs etc stand.
The appt is today at 4 pm. It was the only one available until October. I looked ahead at the schedule and knew that if I left by 3:40 pm from work I could make it. Would it be rushing? yes, but this rushing I couldn’t avoid.
So here we are 11 am on this work day, there are now 2 add on patients that will go until 5 pm. I asked the other physician to see if they could come earlier, but unfortunately they can not.
And this is the stuff.
I first felt anger, clenching of the jaw, tension building up in my neck and shoulders. “god of course doctors are the worst patients, we can’t even get to our own appts, that we seldom even go to anyway!”
Then next thought: “of course half my doctor girlfriends have infertility and issues, how ironic, its stressful to make it to the Gyn office to BEGIN with let alone start a work up let alone be low stress enough to get pregnant!”
The next patient of mine had a know it all attitude, some rich real estate man, showy, boisterous, arrogant.
It made me more annoyed, “look at people like this that make all this money and have all this autonomy!” And here I am doing good work and having trained so hard and I can’t even make it to a F*** doctors appointment!!!
And then I paused:
I did the following, what am I feeling right now?
- annoyance at lack of control – I can’t dictate my own schedule and that is frustrating
- annoyance at the field of medicine and how it can be oppressive, and difficult to take care of our own health ironically
- anger at the fact that there was a last minute change, even though I tried my best to ensure I could make it to this appt
- annoyance that this doctor – who I liked at first visit is so hard to book!
And then
- I know this is the state of affairs with my field, if I find it oppressive, and if in the future I find it is getting in the way of my emotional health, and ability to not rush – I can consider looking at another position or going part time. I have the option
- Speaking of options, just because I feel this now doesn’t mean it is forever, doesn’t mean that I will always have difficulty attending to my own needs – medical or otherwise
- I am happy for my level of training and great resume, so I will have more options in the future if/when needed, in NYC and beyond.
And thats it Anita.
I noticed I SKIPPED OVER what I was feeling and went straight to anger and annoyance. Lets say my husband – my easy go to punching bag – was standing right in front of me. I would have had anger and annoyance at him, as though he was the culprit! How wrong! How ridiculous. How juvenile. How INEFFECTIVELY COMMUNICATING! HOW NOT ASSERTIVE!
Let’s say he was in front of me now, I would say this:
I feel sad and disappointed I won’t make this appt I was looking forward to. I realize my birthday is coming up in October, I will be 34, which makes me at that age of increased infertility, closer to the age of 35. I notice that I have increased anxiety about getting into see a doctor and getting some blood work done sooner than later given this. I am educated and know it is just a matter of a few months, and it isn’t about dates. Regardless, I feel annoyed I don’t have freedom to control my schedule and attend to this important thing.
Sigh.
And that’s being mature. And that’s effectively communicating – to myself and others. And that – most of all – is not jumping over awareness and mindfulness and what I am feeling, straight to anger and rage.
Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
Wow what a compliment. I re read my entire post to gauge what made you say this. And it began to make sense.
I will elaborate and develop.
There is a humbling necessary to grow, a lack of know it all. A lack of understanding. If an individual wants to start anew, needs to start fresh – it is surrending to not knowing. To starting primitively at basics.
An expert can surely not start from scratch. Well and expert who deems himself an expert that’s for sure. How can I start fresh If I believe that all I’ve been doing thus far has been working.
I notice I am not humble in My journey. When you mentioned the term humble last week “be humble like your husband”
I thought. Yes. Like him! She knows!
Not like me.
I believe I have been doing it okay so far, and that perhaps I can continue exactly as I’ve been doing but expect change. Sure having made changes along the way, change in habits, removing certain people.
But change in priority? In value?
Well here comes the part about confusion. Cali Chia is confused. She isn’t confused because she’s an idiot. She’s confused because her “guider” was cruel. Cali Chica has been misinformed and misled. Just because many parts of her life turned out okay or more than okay means nothing in regards to her being misled by her mother, not receiving appropriate guidance.
Cali Chica doesn’t know truly who and what are important. She is fearful. Now that she’s an adult she’s fearful to choose what her new “guiders” advise her. Whether it be Anita, a therapist, books and education. She is fearful of this because the roar of her mother has traumatized her so deeply that she expects this roar from Many corners. She still believes her mother exists – lurking in the corners in the background – ready to attack, mock, or ridicule.
So take both confusion and fear together. Both together and it’s a miracle she even moves forward.
Confusion and fear together sounds to me like a lost child. Finding their way slowly. Looking up at adults and strangers with both fear and invalidated trust. Saying is this the way?
But the thing is Cali Chica is not a child. She is an adult, a hardened one. So instead of this sweet innocent child, CC is RESISTANT to change. She is a lost child yet she is resistant to being open to finding a new way. As her “own” way in the past never worked. Always came with a roar.
In order for her to find her way or the right path for her, she must start fresh. It is imperative she start from scratch – be fresh. Have no fear. Speak your truth. Start anew
Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
I read both of your replies.
Wow, what roar?
Exactly right, remember my “feisty” years, teenage and on when I would talk back, “roar back.”
What a misrepresentation of the roar story (lol – had to say it as it made me chuckle)
What a misinterpretation of the cause and effect scenario, the hierarchy of the lioness and cub – what a mind f***
Clearly Cali Chica is not just distressed, she is confused.
She is smart, and she is “knowing” of many things, but she is utterly confused. Of who and what.
Of people’s roles, priorities. What comes first? What comes second?
How would she know? How should she know?
By starting fresh – my assuming nothing – by going back to the beginnings…
Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
To add on. I thought about the concept of C-PTSD, and displaced fear.
I think about how there is so much fear about people who are not nearly as important as my mother reacting in a poor way.
I used to think because my mother was so outward focus, and focused on what others did and said – and so of course I was taught this way.
Yes, but this is only one portion.
I now see that ALSO, I see the roar of others as the roar of my mother. A fear inducing roar that can paralyze me and change my entire day, week, etc. Feeling no power over this roar – and assuming that others will roar the same..
Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
You made a very powerful point just now, that I haven’t outlined before, or thought of this way:
The ROAR of the child is a lot less powerful than the mother.
How interesting to me. My mother made it seem that she was a child, when convenient to her. Convincing me that her roar was no stronger or detrimental than mine.
This is entirely untrue. Wow what a lie!
Her ROAR is horribly oppressive to a child! How quickly I still forget that she was in fact a MOTHER, and I was the cub/child!
How not innate it is to me to not see her as someone in authority given that she played the victim “save me” pretend role throughout her life (when convenient).
How not natural it is for me to think: someone with her authority and her power should NEVER abuse it in this way, roaring like a lion.
if she was here, she would say, well look at you ROARING AT ME!
as if to say: well if I do it – its fine, because you do it back – and you hurt your poor mother – tit for tat
how idiotic, how horrific, how juvenile – how disgusting…
Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
Yes, instead we are traumatized fear takes hold of us.
Yes, and it is this fear that is detached from its primary source.
When I was fearful of the reply of my friends, it wasn’t that all encompassing gripping fear I would have with my mother. But STILL the fact that there was ANY fear in a scenario that deserved none – that’s the stuff!
That’s the stuff -that’s the reality. Any ounce of fear in a scenario that warrants none – must be examined. Yes human beings have fear and anxiety, but we aren’t talking about them – we are talking about me!
So of course these friends reply in a way that is NOT my mother. They did not respond in the way that my mother did saying: oh what you’re too busy for me? it seems you have time for others.
They didn’t try to take and take.
They are normal human beings with their own lives and support systems. They do not NEED me or RELY on me. It is not my ROLE to be their caretaker. No one’s caretaker.
Well no, that’s not true. I am the caretaker or some sort for my husband.
Funny how I never adopted this role, the term is not caretaker per se, but you get my gist- it is CARING, invested, a supportive spouse that makes him my number 1.
Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
C-PTSD, fear detached from its origin. I have read so much about this “diagnosis” or set of symptoms, pathology. But it wasn’t until I read this from you yesterday that it actually made sense to me.
Thank you for being honest and telling me that you questioned if I was on the path because I was too positive, energetic, etc.
I too questioned this often, but in a different way. Wanting to feel more than push through – wanting to not continue driving the car – feel that the car has to stop and get some gas or it won’t go on.
I saw this superficially – annoyance at others and plans, annoyance at the wedding email, annoyance at everything. But yet not feeling the true “broken-ness”
I learned from you that we can not truly “feel” the weight of our entire trauma, our bodies and minds protect us from it or else we would not survive. For people like myself, my body and mind have been doing such a good job of shielding and protecting, that it becomes detrimental now. I don’t have the voluntary choice to remove the armor bit by bit, it surely doesn’t work that way. Yet, there are tools that I can utilize to help the process
Unlike last week, I am going to write to you whatever comes to mind, not following a rubric. I feel open with many thoughts today so I will let them flow.
Yesterday, my husband and I had a fabulous day. One for the books. For many reasons. First of all the obvious. Beautiful (non humid thank god) day. Exploring a part of Brooklyn we hadn’t together, and perfect ambiance.
Now to the more important.
I woke up with a text from S asking how my London trip was. Instant dread I had.
Woke up to remembering my sister texted me last night (nothing important) more dread.
Woke up to text from L, she is going through her own journey, of emotional change – similar and different than mine, very much emotionally intelligent.
This is key, not for others, but for me. If I am to relinquish the social butterfly role it is the in-the-moment fear that is key. So I will spell it out for myself and for you.
So. I Noticed fear – fear of not responding of course! Where did this fear come from – ok voice says this:
S always is so responsive and has been such a supportive friend. She was there for me so much during my wedding, I should do the same.
Oh my sister hope she is doing well, sometimes I think she is a ticking time bomb. No wait, its been months since she has been this way – in fact I AM the one who has had much more distress recently and she has been supportive. Change the narrative.
Change the narrative. Changing the narrative is beyond my sister.
So I thought about something my friend L had said before, speak your truth. So this is how it went.
S – Dear S, London was great but too hectic, what I needed is down time. In fact I have been having a rough time since returning. I am struggling to keep my head above water and finding it hard to gain mental space – that I need. I won’t be able to chat as much as usual as i need to preserve my energy for healing. Thank you for your love and support as always.
Done.
Sister – glad you had a great night. Logging off today going to spend the day with my husband in BK.
Done.
L – so glad we have been sharing our journeys, over the next few months I will be more solo in my journey, I must stick to preserving some mental space that I need as I have been having an increasingly tough time. Thank you for understanding and for your love and support.
Done.
I then went to take a shower….
In the shower at first…dread – what will they say. My husband was washing his face and brushing his teeth at the sink next to the shower. Usually I chat with him during this time. He says, wow quiet in the shower. I said yeah..
He asks what’s wrong. I tell him about the texts.
He says great – whats the problem?
I say I am not sure, I Feel bad sending that, what if they don’t get it – I mean S, she doesnt have experience with emotional difficulty/trauma – so she may not. The others sure yes.
He said, cmon this is your closest friend from college, you and her go way back, she is so supportive. I said yes you’re right.
I take the rest of my shower deliberately, instead of soaping my whole body and not remember if I did (yes we all know that feeling) I took my time. I washed my hair slowly and gave my self a scalp massage. I took my time. No it wasn’t natural at first, but it isn’t supposed to be. I told myself outloud almost, that doing what is “innate and natural” isn’t working. Thus deliberate change must be enforced. In speech and in physical movement.
I didn’t go check my phone abruptly right after, as I always would – anxious about the responses. I allowed myself to get ready like a “normal person” as I say. Taking my time, brushing my hair. These seemingly normal tasks are not normal to me as I am always rushed in the morning given my early hours, and my habits now. Even on weekends rushing to get ready to go somewhere. I found myself annoyed “god why can’t I always have this type of time!!?” and I stopped myself.
“rushing is in the mind” as Anita says.
I have the time today, so embrace it. That’s it. It is practice and it is truth.
So after it was all said and done, I communicated out loud – I said I am ready to go. My husband comes into the bedroom and says wow you took your time to get ready, that was nice right. I said yes.
I now look at my phone. No responses. Feeling the physical discomfort. The shoulders tensing. Then reminding myself that I got myself a nice massage the day before to combat this, to enjoy the results of it a little longer.
We headed to Brooklyn, taking the long leisurely route. Exploring along the way, nooks and crannies, coffee shops and eateries. I enjoyed it, I truly did.
We walked across a bridge during which we started to get into an intense conversation about jobs, and where to – weighing pros and cons. Then i look up and see we have walked halfway across the bridge, one of the most exquisite views – and I didn’t even realize it. I say stop. I physically stop. I shake my head (physically) and say. Lets not talk about this today. Lets enjoy this view, we don’t get many days like this. Well I take that back, whether we do or don’t lets enjoy this. We don’t have to “over enjoy” because we don’t get many days like this. Lets just walk.
This reminded me that my husband and I have both formed patterns of rushing. a) because of my tendency but also b) because the nature of our schedules. It is important for both of us to remind each other. Gently.
You taught me last week that I am not assertive. I am not assertive at all. I can become aggressive yes, but assertive no.
Assertive is to assert what you want/think/need in an appropriately balanced way.
Since I have not been doing this, I end up with severe frustration, annoyance, and rage. It takes a higher level ability to speak your truth in an effective way – and especially when it comes to your spouse, in a way that is safe and gentle – non attacking.
The rest of the day goes on. I receive a reply from both of my friends. Long supportive text messages saying they are here for me and that I should do whatever it takes to feel better and take all the time i need, and that they admire my strength. 2 different friends, similar responses. It was nice to see this. In fact I shouldn’t have been surprised. My husband is right.
And there goes the fear, fear that is detached from true root, fear that is entirely unwarranted.
I was never ever able to speak my truth with my mother. I recall one Thanksgiving 2 years ago or maybe 3 now. We had gone to my mothers house the weekend before (my husband and I were engaged). The plan was to go to my in law for Thanksgiving itself.
My mother calls me frantically the week of Thanksgiving (a very busy week at work for us usually, many people trying to get surgeries before the holidays ensue). Telling me my cousin is having a holiday party – the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend.
I tell my mother, then slowly and kindly (I had seen a psychiatrist earlier that month I recall beginning of November and he had advised me to speak slowly and effectively – sure). I tell her, I understand she is having a party this weekend. But we are going to in laws (2 hours north) on Thursday – FRiday. It will be difficult to come to cousins house SAturday (2 hours south).
I will never forget it. I was living in CT at the time, and my commute home from the hospital was 3 minutes. 3 minutes. I don’t remember driving home, I don’t remember parking the car in my parking lot and sitting in it for half an hour. She went crazy on the phone. So what you don’t care about yoru own family now. Look if his mother asked you to go over for the holiday you would – just like that drop everything.
Your cousin is inviting you, and you two never make it anywhere.
I become angry, “mother we have difficult jobs and schedules”
her response – everyone does.!!! How ironic, one day bragging how her daughter and future son in law are so educated and busy, but now of course, diminishing our careers and hectic lives.
She goes on and on…and whatever happens, I leave it that we can’t come, and I will let my cousin know myself.
So Thursday comes around, when we are leaving for my in laws, Thanksgiving day. My father calls me. He is on speaker with my aunt. They are talking to me like they are in a hospital chamber. My father says, your mom is not doing well. We are at the mall with your aunt and she almost fell over. She is uncontrollable and we don’t knwo what to do.
Don’t know what to do. got it.
So pretty much my mom is hysterical and distraught with emotion that her daughter can not celebrate this holiday (which by no means has any value to her) with her. OH wait a minute we were JUST AT THEIR HOUSE LAST WEEKEND!!!
she is on the floor can’t move this and that. The whole saga was so terrible Anita that i was in tears uncontrollable. So terrible. She then (which I find out) had called my mother in law that morning. So my mother gets on the phone and talking like an insane person.
I talked to HER. I talked to HER. I told her how dare you try to manipulate these kids into coming over. DONT YOU KNOW HOW BUSY THEY ARE. always trying to lure you two to her house. and look at you, fool. jumping right over! see they are controlling you right before your eyes, and your future husband – you can’t even stand up to him. no not at all. oh what a shame.
and it went on.
I was so distraught, top 5 times. So bad that we didnt even end up going to my in laws. Imagine. The rest of the day was spent with my husband consoling me.
We ended up going the next day – “secretly” making sure that my in laws wouldnt tell my parents. what BULL****
HOW STUPID ANITA, WHAT THE HECK!!!!!!!!!!!!
So yes Anita, there is fear in my speaking my truth. Yes
Because look what used to happen when I did. ha! Displaced fear. yes very much.
Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
Fear is keeping her in charge, your mother, that is. Choose to quit the social butterfly role, and do it, no matter how awkward it feels, and you are making one choice that will bring you closer to releasing that fear
Yes Anita. I read this post and will read again. I made some decisions this morning regarding social butterfly role. As this role has nothing to do with physically spending time with others or going to events. The role is all in the mind. The fact that I even use the term “role” the concept is in the fact that I adopted it as a ROLE to begin with! This social butterfly role is far more than not texting people and not going to weddings – it is the wavelength of my brain and priorities. It is shifting “identity” and it will feel awkward at first. With myself and or others. I experienced some of that today already. On a day I didn’t have plans. Go figure- because it’s mental state.
I felt fear this morning on my run in Central.
I didn’t think it was fear. But reading your post I Kno it was. Â It was like feeling like a kid in a big world not knowing my place. Woken up to early showing up feeling vulnerable and exposed. I’ll elaborate more on that later.
Cali ChicaParticipantOne more thing before I head to the park. Iâm going to rename this thread mentally self-love. As of now, self-love comes first, before trust removing the daughter role and tuning into self love.
Self love. I shall reflect.
Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
I woke up too early today. But what was my voice today? Was it anger like it was last week. No my voice today said this thing first and foremost: itâs OK meet yourself where you are.
Itâs common when individuals are depressed to have a early morning awakenings. It is classic textbook. I have known about this for years, in my mid 20s when I first started experiencing terrible symptoms this was my first issue, no matter how sleepy I was I would wake up way too early. It was difficult then because then I would have to go to med school lecture around 9 AM. So I was never here nor there, too early to function, too late to fall back asleep. It created a world of frenzy beyond what was already there.
Hereâs the thing today. It is Sunday. I have no plans. I made it that way. So what if it is 5 AM now? Then maybe in an hour I will take my dog out for a run, maybe my husband will be awake then too. We both are early risers because of our jobs anyway despite this issue of mine. Then I can have a nice breakfast and maybe even take a nap. God forbid I do something out of order in the day,  God forbid I waste a day with 85° outside in New York City taking a nap.  Half of my battle is judging myself for having to accommodate my life for what I am going through. But listen, if I had a patient coming in with all of the symptoms, and letâs say they said they donât want to be on any medication, at least not yet. I would say, you need to accommodate your lifestyle.  Every single day
I have been what you call a hard ass when it comes to Goals. If you tell me that you want to lose 15 pounds I will find you a wonderful do-able regimen so I can make it possible for you. I do believe in strong will tremendously. But, perhaps half of my issue is the strong will and perhaps stubbornness.
Going back, I would tell the patient that she must accommodate her life to fit what she is going through. Do her friends want to go out for a late night drinks? Sorry you canât make it you must focus on self-care and foods and times that work for you or anxious mind. She says but she doesnât want to isolate herself because she is single. I say OK then hopefully make a plan the next day that includes lunch and perhaps a walk.
I have done this before mentor to young women who are dealing with chronic pain or anxiety etc. and given them a rubric on how to modify some lifestyle choices in order to fit their ongoing anxiety. Not become an entirely different person, but small changes here and there can make a world of  difference
So why donât I do it for myself? I thought about it yesterday. The three treatments of mine. None of which really took much time out of my day. Isnât it hilarious that in New York City you can pop in for a 15 minute massage. Of course only here tired New Yorkers that want to have a quick fix. Oh and how perfect it was, my muscle tension around my neck and head was so severe I couldnât have lasted longer than 15 minutes. It was the perfect treat. And perfect treatment. How easy and accessible and instant relief. Too good to be true? Â No. You just have to do it without excuse or guilt.
Youâve told me many times in the past when we were writing in the past, that I should write a book. When you said that I believed you, I knew you were not just saying that just to be nice. I truly believe this. But of course at this current state and over the last few months, if I think about that there is one thing that comes to mind. Sure It could be excellent to help others with a book or otherwise. But I am not doing the best job helping myself. And helping my marriage. That comes first. It is ironic actually.
So yesterday in my little friendly cheap massage place owned by Chinese people who hardly speak English, And get down to business quickly and efficiently. The young Chinese girl says to me, wow you have a lot of pressure and people sitting on your neck right? I laughed, I said Yep you donât even know.
I know for a fact how I carry my stress. I know it because itâs me, and I know the medical reasons given that it is a part of my field, and I know the psychology reasons given that it is a part of my learning. Great. Then what?
How often have I done what I did yesterday to really find instant treatment for it? Hardly ever. I used to be on 24 hour shifts when I felt like this in the hospital having no ability to find treatment. Â I used to be taking an exam, Having no ability to find treatment. I used to be in the middle of work, texting my mom fiercely, having no ability to find treatment at that exact moment. Or feeling like I couldn’t. Stuck in this role.
Thatâs not now. I notice that I donât realize that my life has changed. Â I noticed that I still live in that same state, feeling stuck. That fight or flight. So programmed to feel like this crouching battered child. The visual a crouching fearful child that is hovering over tight neck poor posture pain pain. Can’t go anywhere. Stuck sad suffering.
When I was getting this 15 minute massage yesterday and laughing with this lady, i thought to myself why donât I ever do this? It doesnât take much time, and itâs very inexpensive. Going back to New York City there are options like this at my fingertips I literally walked two seconds across the street. So why not? Because I am stuck in the world I lived in before without options.
I have become blind to this Anita. Sure not blind in the conscious sense, I know there are resources, yes I go to the Gym I eat well, and I try to do some self-care. But itâs bigger than that. Open my eyes itâs bigger. Let me explore this here with you.
I am a 33-year-old woman. I will be married for almost 2 years. I live independently with my husband we are both financially independent together as well as separately. I stop talking to my mother almost 2 years ago. It appears in writing that this would lead to some sort of independence. However I have not really Felt any different. Or more free. See what feels different is the fact that every single time my phone beeps I no longer jump, every time my phone rings I no longer have a sense of dread. Every single moment of mine is not enveloped and enmeshed in my mothers anymore. Yet having the pattern of living like that for so long, and the guilt associated with not living like that has not allowed me to really change despite losing contact with my mother. I am not free.
I think about how they talk about prison inmates will go out into society, they often suffer, almost missing the prison life because that is what became home. Not knowing how to actually function in the real world, feeling lonely and scared, and hopeless out there. Seldom coming across opportunities that they find fulfilling. Actually what is fulfilling, depending on the number of years they were in person they donât even really know who they are or what makes them happy.
Well this is not the same, but when I woke up too early today I had that positive thought first. Afterwords was a negative thought, it was this: oh god not again, back to waking up too early here we go. Feeling completely backwards back to the mid-20s in medical school look where this was a chronic daily thing that was terrorizing my life.
I need to stop looking at this as one big chapter. Yes all of this started a long time ago, way before I even realize based on our work -back in childhood. And yes it dealt with so much repression. Yes ongoing repression and numbness, some emotions coming out, thousands of more of emotions still stuck, that will come out when they want, how they want, and perhaps with therapy and our work together, maybe come out in more appropriate ways.
But itâs like a zombie person, not realizing that they stopped talking to their mother, yet they donât feel any different or act any different.
In a zombie state.
We Spoke about this two years ago, you said the term, here in lies the true work. I believed you, I knew it. But what I see now is that yes it is the true work, but it is also the true feeling of not really having moved forward.
Anita, I am still frozen and stuck as though I was living with my mother. In so many ways, not allowing myself any true mental freedom to do exactly what I need to do to make myself feel better. I thought I was doing that, able to utilize my free time doing many other activities then be stuck visiting my mother or on the phone always. But mentally it didnât change anything. Iâm still very much stuck. Nothing changed until now perhaps.
Flashback comes to mind right now, a curse almost. My mom said something towards the end of when things are getting really bad: âwell you just wait you can lose your parents you can do whatever you want. But youâll never be happy. The type of person who does that will always suffer youâll see you will get your punishment. And of course I donât believe in being given a curse like this. But in many ways it is true, but not for the vindictive  reason that she mentioned.  Not because she cursed me with a lifetime of unhappiness for ditching her.
So perhaps I am going around about, itâs not that I donât allow myself the simple luxuries of getting a 15 minute massage when I have a terrible migraine headache. Itâs the fact that I even use the term luxury. I have Not for a second stop in my tracks and said, that I have to meet myself where I am.
I want to continue the thought above, so I canât see this as a whole picture. There is a whole picture I have an abusive set of parents. It has caused me a lot of harm. But right now I have to think about it like this, my step of this journey now is learning to live a life that does not feel stuck with my mother. Reminding myself that I have my own autonomy, and any sort of guilt I have even if it comes out in other ways that deals with other people such as friends, has entirely to do with feeling stuck with her.
For example if I have guilt about texting a friend back, it really has nothing to do with my friend. It has entirely to do with my mother. For example if I have anger when I get up to early in the morning like last week, it has nothing to do with the fact that I had perhaps one hour Less sleep, it has entirely to do with my mother. Why?
Well on that day I had the rage episode I told you about, and later on I kept thinking about how itâs too much, how I feel like I am so over extended. OK so I should quit my job. I have said itâs OK, my husband said itâs OK. Nope donât want to do that? OK get rid of one major thing that you involve yourself in. Okay next.
Why knows, there are options. There are things that can be done to CHANGE the scenario. To CHANGE LIFE.
If I constantly focus on the fact that this is an ongoing saga of my life, I feel very stuck to that fact that any change is possible. Change is possible. Change has to be made.
Walk yourself two seconds across the street get the 15 minute massage and notice right before your eyes how change is possible. Just like that.
Wake up too early but go on the couch and look outside, and journal or write to you. Not Be filled in with anger. Oh silly girl, you donât have a medical school lecture in a few hours. Itâs Sunday you donât have to go to work. You donât have your mother calling you within the next hour screaming at you about something. Oh silly girl you donât have any of that coming up so you will spend the day however you want. Â You will do whatever it takes. You are no longer with your mother.
I wanted to reflect on what you wrote on Friday, that I have to remember that these other woman or not my mother. And in the same breath I have to remember that I am not their Savior, I am not a savior at all. Â When I think like this I am with my mother. When I bring this sort of thought process to anyone or anywhere, it is with my mother. I am my mothers child a puppet running around the world and utilizing her thought processes. Like her little minion.
Oh look Mom look how horrible that lady was at work, like you said look how bad people are. Oh look mom look how horrible that cousin was at the wedding, look how horrible people are like you said. Â Affirming my mothers negativity.
But what, jumping into the lap of these people. Never having appropriate distance at first. Feeling  uncomfortable with appropriate distance.
If you ask my sister she would always say this thing. When I came home from college, she was living at home. It was like I would come home with all the stories and entertainment for my mother. I would come home and load up the house with all these funny stories of what was going on at school and what this person was doing and that person. It was like I was coming home as a famous talk show host constantly entertaining expertly
Fast forward years later, late 20s, this wasnât exactly the case. But, and this is when my sister comes in. She would mention that even when there was silence I would find something to talk about so that my mother would be entertained. Even if it was petty gossip. It was like I was subconsciously always fishing for some strange topic so that my mother would be engaged. Oh remember so and  so well things are not so great in her marriage anymore. Oh this oh that.  I would endlessly talk about people. My mom would know details about my friends that no mother would, the weirdest stuff. So much detail. All topics of conversation. Not all negative per se, but just the fact that the topics were other people. Often it could be positive, but of course with a negative twinge. Oh look at her she found a great boyfriend, Lucky her, girls like her always know how to win a guy over. Lucky them. See negative after all of course. But thinking oh look how close we are my mom and I.
So when my sister would tell me this as we got older, I noticed it. I told her how I donât even like to gossip, in reality I donât, in my real life when I am studying or dealing with patients I have hardly any time to talk about nonsense like that. But yet when it comes to my mother I regress into the strange petty gossipy person. Itâs almost like this visual of this professional woman in society and then she goes back to her hometown and begins to smoke cigarettes and talk crass with the townies. Not knowing how to relate to them otherwise, regressing back to her âold ways.â jumping into that mode.
But when it comes to me and we have talked about this all week. That really isnât my old way. That really isnât the old me. It was just a role I took on based on my experience with my mother. Just like yourself and your writings recently, we both thought that we were saviors, weâre doing great for our mothers. But really we were doing nothing at all for them, they have no respect for us, actually the word Jester is perfect, a silly little jester coming in with some jokes and entertainment, not really having any value or respect by the client. Mean Client says OK that will be all, come again next time. Jester thinks oh man maybe I made a lasting impression, I guess not.
So I feel this need to be an entertaining jester to other people. Of course they donât ask for it. Of course not! That is laughable. But I cannot turn it off, I am seeing my mother in all of these other people. I like above, I am not living any differently than if I was with my mother. In fact I am seeing these other random woman as my mother. Whether it be that I am overly chatty and too quickly close to them, like with my mom. Like the cousin, orSeeing them as a personal threat like the mean doctor lady at work.
It ainât personal as they say.
My mother no longer exists. Stop trying to keep her legacy. I must delete her in my surroundings. I must delete her power in myself.
Whether I see her in other people or whether I continue to act like she is still there saying jester dance dance talk. Telling me this is who I am.
But wait a minute, she never said that, it was something that I started to do naturally! Â Actually as I got older my mother would tell me that this quality of mine was foolish. That I needed to talk always and was always calling my friends up and talking for hours. How ironic!
My mother no longer exists. I must change my life and accommodate that. I can change my life and accommodate that. Â I must mentally detach from thinking that I am still her daughter.
Thats it. I must remove the daughter role. I will reflect on that today it will be very important. We will talk that out perhaps. Â I am no longer her daughter. Or this daughter to the world. No not at all.
I must live as I am no longer her daughter.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.
Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you so much for your post today. I woke up today with extremely severe muscle tension, Iâve mentioned headaches to you before, and it was one of my worst ones. It makes sense, a sfor me like clockwork usually this body muscle tension is a combination of the stress from the prior week or two. Our body keeps the score. Yes it does. And I know very well this is my bodyâs way of talking to me  I resent it at times but itâs reality
I tried not to get angry at this today, I quickly jumped into ways to ease the symptoms, I live in a modern society, I am educated, and live in New York City there are tools at my fingertips, I can use them to bring out the best in me. Â As I should. Annoyance and questioning the situation wonât âself sootheâ. This Term that you have taught me is very important. So what did I do? I took a pain reliever, which I seldom do. I went to a yoga class. And I got a 15 minute massage. Did one of those things help? No. But the combination of all of them, I feel like a new person eight hours later. Look at that.
And thatâs just it, knowing yourself, knowing that you are not super, knowing that you have to take a time out and do such things even when times get tough.
I will read all of your post tomorrow and Monday. This is all very important work for me. I notice how I had a very rough two weeks, perhaps a true depressive episode, doesnât matter the term – But looking back all of July culminated to a week of rage and true distress this past week. I see it you saw it. I am only human. It is true and real. I cannot judge it. I have to work on it. Simply and straightforward with the right goals and homework.
I questioned many times this past week if I am just going in circles, if my healing path is not going NET positive. I know today after utilizing three treatments to cure my headache and muscle tension – That yes, I am still going net positive. BUT (huge but) I need tremendous help and support. This is not just support as in I need support from other people, I need it for myself. I cannot visualize myself as just a normal member of society working hard like any New Yorker, no I have had unusual level of trauma and therefore have an unusual amount of distress that I unload. So at any given moment my neurons are activated with past trauma. I must be patient with this. I must change my life to accommodate this. Yes I must change my life to accommodate this. Whatever it may be. Because if I donât, I will have no life. No life at all.
I am taking the rest of the day easy just like I already did. Have something to eat and have a nice rest I hope. I will talk to you soon. Thank you as always my dearest Anita.
And lastly –
There is no judgment on how we spend our day, who or what. If we feel good and we feel some softness in our heart that is all that will ever matter
- This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.
Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
It made me smile when you wrote “humble like him” as though you know him. I loved that, because in fact it is spot on, and I did struggle with this yesterday. At first powering over his input, or interrupting.
Then realizing the point of sharing isnt just for the sake of it – but to listen…
You also typed out the couples therapy prompts with the four columns of: I want/need — how is this need me
That is another one I want us to work on. I will find more as well.
As far as seeking professional help, it helps so many people – and it is worth a try. Yes It could be quite frustrating to spend loads of money without feeling satisfied. But if you dont know it by now, I am not a very patient person – so I don’t see this trajectory. Yet, I must be patient enough to give the therapy and person a decent chance…and have an open attitude when walking in.
So at this moment, I am at home, sitting on my couch typing to you. What a luxury! To be home in the middle of the day, comfortable and to be able to write openly and freely. No need to rush, nothing pending. No plan, no person, no patient, nada.
This is essentially what non rushing is all about.. Yet, we can’t always have these scenarios, being home, comfortable nothing pending. Yes for the time being I want to enforce this, by keeping life simple but it isn’t a solution for the issue.
Non rushing will mean that in every scenario to take the “re” out of the action like you stated.
I thought about this on the subway, and thought about how I thrived yesterday doing the HW. So I approached rushing systematically as well and not just intellectually, whatever language comes
Wake Up:
Rush to jump out of bed, dont make the bed, feel immediately pushed, ah – no time to make the bed or do anything. Take a quick shower, so quick that its easy to forget if I even showered. Put on clothes quickly and rush out the door with a granola bar. Or if I have to take the dog out, take him down the elevator out and back as quick as possible. Chop chop.
Walk briskly to the subway, heck even run sometimes if I am running late. Wait for subway, annoyed that the next one isnt here yet. Get on to the cramped subway, so early in the morning all commuters, sandwiched like sardines, breathing in the scent of others. Getting pushed around by backpacks. Alas, someone gets up I have a seat! I put on my headphones. I either listen to music or listen to a podcast or watch a mindless episode of TV. Often listening to music and typing/journaling are the go to for the next 15 – 20 mins. That is a nice time.
Okay off the subway – chop chop. I take a deep breath and enjoy getting off the subway downtown seeing the beautiful Brooklyn bridge and one of my favorite buildings. but quickly rush to work. Walk into the building, change into scrubs if I have to and ta da! Ready. Go grab a coffee from the staff room and time to go!
Work: work is naturally “rushed.” Well no I take that back, I can’t attribute it all to the fast paced nature of my job.
No I can’t attribute all of frenzy at work to the fast paced nature of the job.  I in fact create half of this rush. I am known at work as one of the most efficient doctors that has ever worked there. Not because I was seeking out this title, it naturally became known very quickly after I moved there, started work. I despise inefficiency. So often even when I can feel that last rush, I will find a way to move things along even faster. I create this frenzy in me. Let’s say there is a few minutes between a patient I could easily go sit in the staff room and get an extra tea or something, but instead I will do the work that would be needed to move the fishing along faster. I’m not necessarily rushing the PATIENT. I am rushing myself
I don’t have a load more to say about the work aspect, when it comes to work I turn into autopilot. But what is important will be next.
I am so frenzied to make it home, I literally run out of work. It is like I am so happy to be able to go home that I don’t even take a second to collect my thoughts. I am rushing out the door leaving the dust behind me. The commute home is less frenzied then in the morning it is less sandwich sardines given that the time I go home varies depending on the day. Here’s the thing, having the freedom to go home after a long day isn’t really relevant if your brain is still stuck in a rushed State. Yes it is hard to have an off switch when you have had to be so efficient at work, and turn into mrs. relax mode. But that’s not exactly what I’m asking for, I noticed today, I left work early. I noticed how I was multitasking and typing and walking. Something that is often a big pet peeve of mine when people do not look up when they’re walking on the streets of New York. Here I was doing the same thing. I felt this rush to get home as soon as possible. Why? Do I have to pick up a child from daycare? No. Do I have to rush home because my dog is extremely upset that I am out and have not fed him? No. Do I have to rush home because my husband is sitting there waiting for me? No. There is absolutely no reason to rush home. In fact if I actually went home in a more composed relaxed way, it would be much better.
That one month ago when we were talking about all of that divorce stuff. It was during this time that I sat in the same park. I sat there for hours. I talked to you and we talked everything out. By the time I was home, my husband was already home. Luckily I had cleared my head before walking in the door so that I could approach him with clarity.
No, I cannot stay out every single day for hours walking around trying to gain Clarity. Yet the rushing has got to go – the rushing is even more detrimental to my husband given that he sees the brunt of it, the lashing out.
<After work it depends on the day, sometimes I am making some food for dinner, sometimes we are ordering in or going somewhere. Often I am going to the gym for some sort of class, sometimes my husband and I go together. Regardless, one thing is for sure I feel spent and exhausted. Nice recipe for lashing out I am rushing, spent and exhausted.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.
Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
I am the same way about that topic and OK with generalities. I agree.
Oh what I meant to say is the work that I was doing yesterday was using your prompts that you typed out – and my subsequent responses, I read it out loud to my husband. I called it a workshop, itâs just a term I used. It made it fun. As you saw with you – I bolded each topic and then wrote an answer underneath.
So later in the evening – I read all of that out loud. It was so incredibly therapeutic and productive for me. For a moment I felt strange literally reading everything out loud to my husband like we were in school. But it was so helpful, and allowed him to put his own input in, and I calmly listened.
I am considering couples therapy with the PhD. To be quite honest I donât have too much expectation for either, because I know that the real work is in the mindfulness and the daily awareness and non rushing. However, it will be insightful to at least try and see what these professional individuals have in their toolbox
Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
Yes I agree. I am actually looking on the Internet for more of these workshop type things. Let me know if you know any resources like this whether it be books or online. I know you will be typing more notes in the future and I know there will be more prompts there as well. If I keep at it like it it is homework it can be truly life altering. I can see it already. Letâs see what content we both come up with as âhomeworkâ
Today I made not one but two appointments with therapists. Typical right, when I needed to do something I didnât just do it once I made sure to have another option. I want to try 2 individuals out and see how I feel so I donât feel anxiety of having to feel âstuckâ I notice this anxiety of not having options (I will elaborate on that after) Â also I know neither may be a good fit and maybe best of all will be working at home on workshops! But at least I can try
Well hereâs the thing, the first lady I found seems great, she is a female that is probably in her 40s or 50s, she even called me on the phone for an initial phone call for about 45 minutes.
The other man is a PhD that as well written and our faculty at NYU, he has dealt a lot with a lot of trauma and his focus is including Marital and sexual healing. It occurred to me when I read that that therapists can actually talk openly about this stuff! See I never bring this up, not because I am simply shy- but the sexual aspect of my marriage is an afterthought these days. I hardly think of it – and it is not a priority as I donât have any true joy or passion in that realm these days for a long time. That part of me/my life is entirely numb.
Clearly that needs to be attended to. Perhaps in couples and or solo therapy with this male therapist.
I will attend to the other part of your post in a little. I wanted to tell you that part first.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.
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