Dear Anita,

Thank you for sharing.  I did not have difficulty writing about TTC because it is a “big” event with many obvious and notable stressors many of which are universal.  I think when it comes to smaller things, such as daily events/moods/etc – the types of things we talk about daily, it will be much more illuminating as well as difficult.  I will give it a try.

Thank you for being open about your advice for me:

Regarding the TTC topic- I think that having a part time job that is the least distressing will be necessary for you as you try to conceive and during the pregnancy, and if it takes you not working at all- don’t.

I agree entirely. I wanted to say how endearing and heart warming it is to see you be open and honest about me with advice/your opinion.  It is only in a true open friendship/mentorship/relationship/etc that two individuals can do that.  I love it.

So I agree entirely.  In fact my thoughts go like this.  What else matters in life? If work stress is adding to my stress and potentially adding to TTC stress – how ironic! Imagine going to all these doctors and taking all these meds (potentially) but not changing the one thing that could help – lowering stress! So much of it I can’t undo – the healing journey I am on.  But actively making changes to not rush and feel tension will help me profoundly – in that journey and future.  Yes you are right as well about down the line about a fetus feeling the emotions.  All in all, to me, there is nothing more important than doing all I can to ensure that I can approach this next phase of my life with composure and more relaxation.

On to the next…

You wrote:

I figured that this fear I was experiencing was no greater, and actually less raw and less intense than the fear I felt as a child

this made me say WOW! It just goes to show how terrible the fear that you (and I) felt as a child.  The fear instilled in us from our childhoods, from our distressing mothers.  It is incredible to read and see that this fear in fact can be close to if not same or worse as the fear of a potentially negative health concern.

 I learned that to be strong is different from pretending to be strong. I can cry and be strong at the same time

Wow, excellent point. I thought about how (for me recently) I in many ways look forward to crying, but notice when it comes to real big life events/issues – it is extremely difficult to cry.  I too thought being strong is not to cry.  And also know that deep down there is a feeling of being ashamed for crying.  Of course, given my story.  Of course given that these mothers gave their daughters no room to express themselves authentically.

 make sure that you are consolable. It is important for him to know that he makes a positive difference in your sadness, despair, fear and so on. This will motivate him to be there for you in the future.

I will make sure of this.  I have not been doing this.  In fact, my husband never asks for “credit.” But I see the results  of how defeated he is in always working hard to make a positive difference for me, but never seeing a difference.  I see how you wrote (and your example yesterday evening in your own life) that your husband’s role did make a difference.  It was seen by you and him.  It is this sort of back and forth and positive reinforcement and openness that makes a relationship go and grow, isn’t it? It brings me back to the interpersonal communication, and how I have a lot to learn and work on.  It makes me see that effective communication is not overly educated and complicated. It is just simple and raw.

It is authentic and loving.  Which is the innate – both Anita and Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

It makes sense that you are unsettled.  Perhaps receiving the result made you realize the reality of the situation – as in “wait this is actually happening, it is real.”

I will have to do more reading regarding statistics about negative markers. When you have the surgery, the mass will be sent and that will be a much more specific way to test what is in the tumor.

It seems you have the right set up as far as an exam in the near future, and subsequent surgery after.

On another note…

I had this visual last night, about observing a scene before walking in.  Such as observing a party, meeting, function from the outside, before entering.  Taking a look at the room through the glass windows, assessing what is going on over there, who is there, how are they interacting.

I had this visual because I thought about how I jump in to scenarios without ever assessing first.  Similar to the concept of “jumping into the lap” of that cousin.  Not taking my time to assess, and see if it is a scenario a) suitable for myself b) worthy of my effort c) healthy for my interaction d) trustworthy

I thought about this new concept, of how if I allowed myself time and composure entering both physical and metaphorical scenarios, I would be able to be the cool calm collected CC I want to be.

This goes back to not rushing of course.  Rushing head first into any scenario whether it be a physical event, or a conversation, or an emotional task – you don’t have your thoughts collected prior.  You are a jumbled mess!

So then you wonder why you are distressed, and you resent yourself for always being rushed and never taking your time.

I will think about this more…Look forward to talking to you when you wake up 🙂

Dear Anita,

I am glad you were able to find some comfort with your own morning routine today.  I am glad.

Interesting that you pointed that out.  I actually had meant to ask you to expand on distress tolerance when you typed it, but forgot to.

“distress tolerance”- key to mental health, necessary. To keep changing that baseline…and taking that pause require the necessity of tolerating distress. It is the not tolerating distress, that is, feeling overwhelmed, that leads to the rushing and reacting.

Thank you for explaining this way.  And that with practice, a new baseline can be formed.

I notice it already – the beginnings of what a new baseline can – keyword CAN- look like.  Can if I persist at it. Can if I keep up the practice.

Last week you mentioned how I must change the social butterfly role, and if no one notices,  I am not doing it well enough.  Or to say, there must be a deliberate and NOTICE-able change.  I absolutely agree.  It is about not being subtle, and changing enough to in fact elicit a…CHANGE!

Dear Anita,

Hush the rush is perfect.

It is easy to say out loud, it is easy as a reminder.

I have changed my morning routine since we started talking about all this, and I had that low point.

One may think  I now wake up earlier and exercise in the morning and eat healthy and all this

But NO

I do less.  I allow myself to lay in bed and collect my thoughts. I don’t respond to any texts or emails.  I don’t judge myself for not waking up earlier to go to the gym.  I take a longer shower, where I collect more thoughts.  I take an extra few minutes to take the dog out, and I try – key word try – to put away more things.

I’ve been actively creating more space in my life, doing whatever it takes.  That’s all I can do.

Going back to fear.  There is fear associated with not following the intrinsic “baseline” patterns that I am used to.

The concept of only doing what works for me – how profound, but how dripped with guilt.

This is what I am working on, with effective communication – here and in “real” life.

I hope you are well this morning.

Dear Anita,

Good to know.  Keep me posted.

I thought a lot about how fear has so much to do with effective communication.  With first yourself, and second with others.  The exercise I did with you last week, the answering of the questions from your therapist – made me realize I am an ineffective communicator, and not assertive.

2 very important realizations. Very important for myself to gauge the enormity of what I have been NOT processing for years.

Not to say that I did a bad job, but I did trick myself.

Able to write and talk for hours on end if I had to.  Able to describe many things in detail.  Able to open up, and not shut down.

YET, not effectively communicating! How about that.

Not able to truly understand what I was going through, process it, and let it sink in.  Without jumping over discomfort/uneasiness to action – to rage.

I remember a year or so ago we talked about how there is an obsession and a compulsion, a reaction to a distressing feeling or thought, and an act.  An acting out.

Whether it  be physical or emotional.

Eating to numb the pain.  Talking over and over.  Any thing and everything.  It doesn’t matter what it is – but more that it is jumping over straight into a reaction.

And like you said, taking the “re” out of the action is important

Dear Anita,

So first things first, ovarian cancer will be diagnosed by the mass itself, taking it out and sending it to a lab.  As well as labwork (which I assume you are heading to soon).  Certain markers in the blood are elevated if there is a cancer.  This is not always the case, but there are standard labs that are done to check these “tumor markers.”

As far as symptoms.  Often when ovarian cancer has spread, it can cause symptoms such abdominal swelling, bloating, change in bowel habits, fatigue.  I can’t say whether this means it has in fact “spread” or it is the mass itself causing this.  The rest of your work up will be able to examine this.

Or, it can be a non-cancerous growth – which can happen in certain scenarios.

I am sure your doctor will be ordering tests and a work up now to see what this tumor is, and you will know sooner than later.  I can imagine that perhaps you feel impatient or confused, I do not know your medical history and don’t want to assume anything.  We can talk about this as much or little as you want.  I would like to know the results of the work up when it comes – if you are comfortable with that.  Whatever you want.

I think you are getting the blood draws as we speak, good luck.  Talk soon.

Dear Anita,

i am typing notes here. I will elaborate in the morning.

Fear of explaining myself

fear of being invalidated and assumed to just have normal level of stress

fear of not having mental space.

Fear of obstacles.

Dear Anita,

I read your first post, an excellent compilation of our important talks – I will print this out and add it to my folder, with the notes you re typed from your therapist from 2011.

I notice that I have fear for many reasons, but one main reason – I expect things to go wrong.

When it comes to the Gyn, yes expecting I will be rushed and not make it to the meeting.  Expecting the high stress levels of both my husband and I will lead to infertility.  Fearful of this, although we aren’t pushing to have kids asap, knowing that I fear it will be in my future.  And anger at this high stress level, because of my trauma predominantly – feeling angry that I can not be relaxed.

it is all related.  it is all fear and negativity – it is all assuming that the worst outcome will be tied to me.