Dear Anita,

thank you! I too realized that her comment was entirely benign, but I honored myself feeling triggered. As I am allowed to feel that way and it makes sense given the circumstances.

I noticed how it would take energy to have that battle with myself. Cognitive dissonance in a way. One side says don’t be triggered you’re being sensitive, the other says – you have a right to roar. I would then be wasting energy and mental space doing this, dissociating from the conversation at hand, and then frenzied to try to pay attention. A recipe for disaster and distress.

Instead I heard the comment. I noted the feeling inside me. A small fire burning a bit of tension. I recognized it – as I feel that it’s so common to feel this way, yet so easy to overlook and recognize. It’s what you say – it’s that in the moment recognition and pausing.

So I did.

I listened before speaking.

Heres the thing her comment was NOT inflammatory. So it was a great place to start. Yet so many peoples are. So if I practice this in a safe scenario with good people. It will be more fluid to do so with difficult people.

Let’s day for example she did mean it as a jab – something like : “oh you young people always opting out, look at us elderly always keeping our word and making it to everything.”

well someone who said that would be quite rude and instigating.

Yet,  my response would still be perfect.

“Oh my yes, you do have tons of energy!”

end of story. No opening of the devils fire.

Dear Anita,

I did not ask her this question, but I have a feeling she does not produce this sort of document.  I don’t mean to say it is all about degrees, but she is not a PhD, and so perhaps not as academically inclined in that way -versus someone who is.  Or perhaps that’s not true at all.  I have a feeling I won’t be a compliant client to her.  A doctor who is a bad patient – always the case!

But I give myself the permission to choose, also knowing it takes time to develop therapeutic relationships.

Speaking of – I tried acupuncture for my muscle tension yesterday.  I felt extremely relaxed and it continued much later after and today.  In fact it felt like a therapy session in a way because – since my muscles were not as tense this morning,  I was able to rush less.  As we both know it is all connected, mind and body.  I can see myself going to acupuncture regularly, not just for the sake of muscle or back pain – but the ritual itself was very relaxing.

I wonder if it is something you would enjoy or have close access to.  Worth a try perhaps who knows.

I just looked up Mark Williams meditation, I see them on youtube.  Is this where you listened to them?

If you had given me this recc just one month ago, I would have wanted to try it, but my brain would not have had the mental space to absorb and appreciate.  It does now.  This is why any modality: formal therapy, acupuncture, massage, meditation videos, yoga, anything – is most effective when we are in the state of mind to reap its benefits.

I will read these now, and look forward to your next post about the notes, which we  can go over.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I will and shall.  Thank you for this reminder on a Monday.

I had mentioned I made an appt with a therapist, I decided to stick to the female one, and go solo.

It is today evening.  I look forward to it for the sake of “going” and starting that process.  But also feel exhausted to share and start from scratch with a new person, as we have spoken about.

Regardless I am glad I am putting the effort into self care, whatever it may be.  I may start a therapeutic relationship with this therapist, or perhaps not.  Point is,  I am no longer letting anything get in the way of my inner circle – a team of two – and my emotional healing path.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Yes, I agree and am also impressed that she does not burden me with her anxiety or uneasiness any longer.  But as you said, it is enough to trigger me of course.

You pinpointed in your point EXACTLY why I am triggered, starting from a far.

And also, her taking back as she is used to me responding aggressively.  Resenting her for being burdensome, and having caused issues for myself and my husband.  Recalling back in December when we moved here to NYC having to focus more on getting her moved in and settled than our own selves – how this rushing was not something I was aware of then – but looking back oh how much rushing! Instead of easing into our own move into NYC as a married couple, throwing everything to the side to help my sister.

I  believe my response was good.  To the point, not mean or rude, but also direct.  So as if to say, sorry no my own health and relationship is the first priority, but if and when I have mental space I can socialize with others, including you.

She is supportive of this as she understands what my needs are.  Yet it is always up to our own self to continue to assess our sometimes ever changing needs.

This made me think of something just now.

My last patient was a young healthy woman.  She denied any medical problems including anxiety.  It is uncommon for patients especially in the socio-economic circle of the practice I am in, and in NYC to deny having anxiety.  Often if they do, it is because they are unaware they have it, or simply don’t feel they are anxious.  Yet, there are some people who do not feel daily baseline anxiety.  Which is excellent for them.

This woman would fall into the latter, I could tell, well based on meeting her for a small amount of time that is a very broad judgement I know – but for conversation sake let’s go with it.

It made me think about how for me, how anxiety is SO much dependent on my interaction with others.  Yet, if you put me in a hole far away without this interaction – it is not like it will all go away.  My brain has been wired a certain way of course due to mother trauma.

Yet, I thought about it.  IT all goes back to rushing.  It reminded me how you mentioned last week, sitting in a recliner, typing away, yet you still rushed a few times.  As rushing starts in the brain before action.

So no matter what it is – for me it goes back to rushing.  It’s just that interaction with others makes that even worse potentially if the individual is triggering, or in the case of my sister brings me to this patterned role I had with my mother.  In these scenarios the neurons are amped up even more ready to fire, and so rushing is overlooked.  It is when rushing is overlooked that it is even more detrimental.

Dear Anita,

Good morning.

A new point for me, that she already has taken from me.  As in the performance in and of itself is what is helpful for her.

The star in the light  – sole performer on the audience, with a large microphone.  A captive audience -myself.

 She already took from you all the help she needed from you, but you didn’t know it. You kept thinking that you are yet to help her

What a lifetime of waste!! You know your saying, all the efforts were in vain.

I thought about this today – but for another reason.  It may seem off topic, but in my head it is not…

On Saturday after speaking with you, my husband and I went for a walk to Central Park.  Dogs are not allowed off leash in the middle of the day, but we have found some secret areas – hidden gems- where we let Bodhi off leash and let him be free.

My sister asked what I was doing.  I paused, didn’t answer immediately out of rush or knee jerk pattern.  i asked my husband – good idea right.  He said sure, her and her dog can join.

So she did.  The dogs played, we relaxed for an hour.  I was aware of what my husband has said, that he doesn’t like who I am around her often, this entertaining jester. I observed myself from the moment she walked towards me to when we left.

I observed the following.  A feeling of “rush” or uneasiness started as SOON as I saw her in the distance walking towards me.  A shifting of the gears, going from relaxed disengaged, to engaged.

Engaged, invested, on point.

I wondered why…and I thought the following – and writing naturally without judging what is coming out, not saying it is true or false, just what I felt and observed, many of which could be a bias of mine, or not..doesn’t matter for this conversation. – I guess a disclaimer

– I saw her face as she was walking towards me, she looked pensive or in her head, it felt immediately necessary for me to “perk her up” or entertain her.

-I saw how her expression changed as she was my dog run to her, all smiles, I thought to myself, it was in my head that she looks down or pensive. CC just because someone doesn’t look all thrilled and happy doesn’t mean they need fixing, you will learn that

-While we were hanging out, it appeared she was calm and not frenzied.  I stopped myself from over talking, over compensating, putting on that jester role.  But I do know that there is a difference between when she was there, when I was more disengaged enjoying nature, than when she was there.

-my husband had to leave because we had late lunch reservations.  I observed myself, I felt a small twinge of guilt or anxiety – thinking oh i am going to have to say we are leaving, feeling bad – a slight amount nothing overwhelming.  feeling the need to over talk or over compensate by saying something like : “gotta go but we will do this again soon.”

– but I didn’t…and she was normal and fine too.  she said okay awesome that was fun enjoy your lunch

-as uneventful and normal as could be…

I write all the above down to journal.  To see the situation from the outside – uneventful not stressful not frenzied.  And from within – patterns, twinges of guilt, deep rooted tendencies.  But I did not act on those patterns.

So this morning early in the morning – and I have told you that I do not answer emails or texts as soon as  I wake up – as I don’t want to create more rush in my AM routine.  I see a message:

Hey that was so fun letting them off leash together, we should do that more often – maybe even on weekdays.

Instant dread Anita.  Instant feeling of “oh no here we go – pressure”

The text did not say, do you want to do this or that – it did not ask for anything specific – but still.

It taught me something very very very big, and I will try to word it best  I can:

A huge part of my uneasiness and feeling of pressure comes from the role I have had with my sister.  It does not matter if she has changed or not, that pattern remains.  And the feeling that she is baseline lonely and I have to entertain her.

I notice now that she has good friends, a good job, and a life of her own.  It is up to me to create patterns that suit me.

So I did:

i responded later when I had a chance:

Yes that was fun! Weekdays will be tough as I am focusing on doing less activities so I am not rushed, but yes would be fun on another weekend when we are both free.

Her response:

“oh I didn’t mean after work, just meant in general”

I thought about it —well she said maybe we can even do it on weekdays – so wouldn’t that be after work? hmmm

And then I sotpped, no need to ask or say more.  I got my message across:

NO, I can not engage in social activities with you on weekdays.  Weekdays are for work, and for me to come home not rushed, do something good for myself whether it is relaxing or going to yoga etc, and approach dinner and time with my husband in peace.

She already knows based on the last few weeks I was in a tough place and deleting many activities on the calendar and making active change.  This includes everyone. It means time for me.

It also reminded me of this thing my husband has said many a time – and now that you have seen my inner circle more closely it may or may not make sense.

It sounds harsh but he has said to me: your sister isn’t as smart or “aware” as she lets on.  She likes to think she is, because of how you are – but she isn’t.

I would usually go to her defense.  But I see now.  She is 27, young, finding herself in her own way.  I see that for what it is, doesn’t mean she is inferior.  Just that her needs are different than mine.  And I am happy to practice voicing mine – and soon without any guilt!

Like you said in that post – when it comes to social CC, I will have to make active changes, and if the other person does not NOTICE or SEE a difference, I am not doing it enough.

Yes, precisely.

Dear Anita,

I am happy for that exchange we just had.  Yes, I agree I enjoy chatting here.  It has been a wonderful daily ritual for me, and we shall continue it.  Yet I am happy to know we can keep in touch personally, if Tiny Buddha ever changes.  In that case I definitely want to go back and archive and print out all of our first posts.  They are so incredibly special.

you are right, there is no one in my real life that I speak to this extent daily, except my husband.  But even so, you and I can relate on the aspect of the “mother trauma” which is an special and unique connection/understanding/appreciation unlike any other.

Dear Anita,

I just read the first line of your email and felt a nice feeling, I thought “let’s do it!” It’s a good day for it I feel.

It is 3:00 my time.  and you will then also know my real name! I am ready for this.

When you send me your response, I will respond next with my email. 🙂 and you will then also know my real name! I am ready for this.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

This is exactly what I think, real life close friend.  I do agree about communicating on Tiny Buddha.  Yet a short while ago I had this feeling that if this website went down, bought over, etc – I would hate to lose touch with you.  Well we can think about that one day – not today! I figured if that becomes a “concern” what I will do is ask you to check my next post (at that time) then immediately post my personal email, have you copy it – and then go back and edit the post so that it can be deleted and not public.  At least I have a plan! So we will remain in touch. What do you think? Maybe a good idea if it comes to that one day…

It hurt so much that your muscles ever since are prepared, so not to hurt so badly ever again

Oh our poor muscles. So much TLC they need now.  So much of a reminder they serve.  Always talking to me, telling me that they are aching and tired.  Angry and burnt out.  Reminding me no matter who or what or where, that the trauma remains – and is a burden I bear.  I must accept it, acknowledge it, and work with it.

When a young child perceives losing her mother (seeing her so sad and troubled and out of control etc.), the child is scared to death, just like any other mammal finding itself alone in the cold, with predators around.

I never thought of it this way, I never thought that wow young Cali Chica was in fact afraid of losing her mother! Scared to death of it! Wow how powerful.  Actually.  I have a visual right now of being in the small apartment I lived in before the big house.  Being younger than 4.  I can’t recall exactly but the words that come to mind are:

sad, lonely, desolate, cold

And when I think about it, it was a place of despair. A place of worry – that my mother just would not make it perhaps on those days she had that deep sad loneliness and emotional outbursts.  How traumatizing for a kid! I will reflect on this more in my next post…

And your last paragraph,

I very much want him to be able to breathe, grow, and become more.  I like this very much.