I also wanted to add, I haven’t asked about your health – diagnosis etc as I don’t want to bring it up unless you want to – but I have been thinking of you daily – and do hope you are feeling okay, and that all the tests run smoothly.

You have great strength  – and as said before – great support in me – any time

Dear Anita,

best of luck with the MRI.

Yes it made me feel even closer to you – as a real life dearest friend, and not “just” a pen pal. Not that it was ever not special. I feel lucky to have your presence in my life and even happier to have a glimpse into your life further, learning about your husband as well. How did you feel about it?

I haven’t been very focused this week in writing as I have head a lot of headaches due to allergies and this cold I have. Pretty severe – but hopefully on it’s way out. It has taught me talk less though lol! The benefits of a sore throat. Silence!

Dear Anita,

I wanted to tell you that I practiced the friendly but not over involved. Kind but distant. Calm and collected approach today. It wasn’t with a friend, in fact it was at a doctors appointment. I see an allergist. His wife helps run his office. She is sweet and kind, but also extremely talkative. On a day like today I found myself wanting to avoid her. Wanting to keep the visit straight to the point and leave – not want to speak of niceties of hows your summer and blah blah.

So I found an opportunity to practice once again. I spoke with the doctor about my symptoms and it was straightforward. While I was in the waiting area to receive my next batch of drops (I’m actually allergic to dogs and have severe seasonal allergies) she found her way towards me. She was pleased to see me as though I was an old friend. I met her with a smile and found myself feeling tired to muster up energy to make small talk. In fact she knows somethings about the wellness business idea as she herself has helped many people run practices in the past (outside of her husband). So in a way she is a great resource.

But here’s what I learned today about great resources. It’s all about timing. And that’s okay. I notice that the mother voice would say – befriend her and perhaps she can guide you in your endeavors one day.

But the CC says – I am tired.  I don’t need to. I don’t want to, not right now.

And that’s simply okay.

Dear Anita,

This wedding we are going to is not Indian – which I am glad for.  It will help disengage more, as it is interesting to see and learn about other cultures and not be immersed in your own at times.

Yes, it makes it very difficult.  There is a social stigma, and in fact I do believe many people stay together often due to this “shame” that will be brought upon their family.  This was much more common in my mothers generation, when people had arranged marriages without much input from the individuals getting married – it was a union of families, and whatever the parents thought best.

In my generation I know a few Indian women in their 30s divorced, some remarried happily.  There is much more open-ness to it, for good reason.  Of course it depends on each person’s individual family members, i.e, someone like my mother – would make it known it was the devastation of her life that her daughter brought on such a tragedy to her family – and likewise – oh how sad for my amazing perfect daughter to come to this fate etc etc melodramatic as could be.

i am not sure if above reflected, I posted a while back but just writing here in case.

I wanted to add that I thought about the following:

I used to bombard my mind with everything.  This and that.  this person and that thing.  Creating no space.  No space left.

And then i wondered how to heal, where to get the space?

Now I see the power I have to not over bombard.  I can choose what goes in and out of my mind to a point.  I must maintain some space for me, just me.

Above didn’t reflect under topics. Repost.

Dear Anita,

I hope you are having a relaxing Sunday. I truly am. A day of staying in, lounging and also watching television. A guilty pleasure to stay in all day and be lazy. Unnatural, uncommon, but needed.

Actually, the television show I am watching is based on woman in person, and dysfunctional woman. Because the show has so many episodes, it goes into the story of many of the females. Some of which are truly bunch for inventive, and others which is based on their family surroundings, or a means to survive. Guard list, it shows character development and how so many people truly stay who they are, and some change. It also, based on what I watch today, really points out the concept of living in fear. Actually, I just watched shows one of the inmates been released from prison but she does not feel any sort of believe, as the living in fear won’t change for her.

It’s only a TV show but it has very relevant dialogue and concepts to real life.

It made me think about how in other circumstances, individuals with dysfunctional mothers may resort to crimes to make them others happy. Anything to make the mother happy. This is not a comparison of dysfunction just a conversation. I thought about how both you and I did anything and everything to make our mothers happy, and all that lead to increased distress for us, and no change in them. Their baseline dysfunctionality, misery and ache for power never changed.

I was watching the TV show I thought about, myself, as well as you, or any other child in the same scenario, as such sweet innocent little girls.

Innocent sweet girls who are blindsided by their mother, whatever their mothers say goes. They will do anything and everything to please or appease their mother. They do not realize this as they believe they are just going through life, not knowing that what they think is life is just being their mother’s puppet or punching bag.

Go onto the things we spoke about on Friday. Needing power. Like you said this resonated so deeply within me, so simple and true. I have been angry and resentful for not taking back my own power, following in the patterns of footsteps of my mother, even if she is far gone trying to appease her somehow subconsciously by continuing the same behaviors and keeping the same role.  But having power is doing a thing like that, having power is doing anything that you want. It is making your own pattern whatever it may be, some of which may overlap with that of another being such as my mother, but none of which is dictated by anyone else but me.

Been spending a lazy day and watching television is power, as this is nothing I would have done on her by mothers watch. Imagine! So many comments.

And the funny thing is, it occurred to me again. I mentioned to you that I spoke with my mother-in-law on the phone this week, my husband and I told her that we will not be joining them to go to Maryland this weekend for a family function. I spoke to you about the guild that this resonated with me, especially because of that one comment, none of which was instigating on her and.

While I was relaxing today I must’ve missed her phone call. She had sent me a bunch of pictures from the event, that was an Indian holiday that we celebrate together every year.  I had a missed call and a voicemail from her. I listen to the voicemail and it was saying how they had a great time and good weather and that they all missed us.

Even this triggered me slightly. Of course not because I thought that she was calling to rub this in my face, or guilt trip me. She was simply calling to touch base like she usually does, like many parents do. But still, I felt annoyed, like I wanted to swat a fly away. As to say, I’m sitting in peace in my pajamas watching TV and no one is bothering me, stop bothering me. Oh and by the way Anita, the event in Maryland was at his aunts house, the mother of that cousin incident from London. The aunt is fine – but I was in no mood to see that cousin and mix and mingle.  Of course it was the whole family many cousins and a large group- but regardless.

Of course knowing her intent is NOT to bother. But regardless.

Brother shows me how to recruit I can become, but most of all, how I have had no power over my own life.  Power over my mind, what to think, how to prioritize, what to believe. In Fact that it’s no different than mental prison.

You mentioned to me that all of the rollers are in fact wanting this power. I felt a lightbulb.

Not instantly a huge shining lightbulb- but a new light.

I live in fear. I live non assertively. I live without appropriate boundaries and interpersonal communication. I live in-authentically.

I live in fear.

I had chapter one – which brought me to no contact. Chapter 2 is realizing even what healing means – and the beginning of what an undertaking it is.

Chapter 3 now – is reality. Not the life I’ve been living which is hardly my own manifestation. The beginning of feeling something real. To be me – to have my own life and power back. And to learn what it is like to not live in fear.

Dear Anita,

Yes it feels so real and true. I would like you to elaborate on the following part of it:

And when her mental rep says: you didn’t practice your power here.. and there! Don’t let that voice fool you, don’t let it have the same-old-same-old power over you. Relax and then calmly reject it-

Dear Anita,

Today evening I realized the true need for solitude. I was watching a television show and one of the characters stated, solitude is replenishment for the soul. It caught me off guard as the show is not particularly deep, but it is exactly right. I’m learning a lot of things recently. And of course, we are on this journey together in many ways, and over the last month, we have had the most organized learning and healing in years.

Solitude is interesting. My mother voice is not the first thing that comes to mind her every second anymore. Yet of course if I think about something hard enough it will arise. Solitude was intertwined with aloneness which was intertwined with loneliness. In my entire life, the concept of being lonely was first in for most over everything. The concept of why would you spend time alone if you could be with others. This was extremely prevalent in my 20s where I truly adopted that social role.

I noticed today that I had an evening to myself. My husband went out to a work dinner. I got home relatively early and had already gone to yoga in the morning. Therefore, I had at least six hours ahead of me until now. Wow so much time! There were so many options of things to do. My sister was going to a concert today that I really liked, but I opted out. I live in New York City there’s endless opportunities of things to do. I did none of them.

The funny thing is in the past I would feel like, look how tired and depressed I am I just want to stay in. This wasn’t the case. I felt pretty great today in fact, full of energy, not too much body pain. But I still opted to stay in. It taught me something. I made the choice to do so. It wasn’t because I had no other option, it wasn’t because it was a negative connotation and it was forced.

I am an adult and I have the power to choose. I choose how to replenish my soul these days. And that’s the thing. If Like earlier I learned some key phrases and words to utilize so that I can disengage from conversations and hold onto my vital energy that is replenishing.  If I choose to spend an evening of solitude that is replenishing. If I choose to eat certain foods versus others, that is replenishing. Moral of the story, I am only learning recently at this stage how much power and control I can truly have over myself. I am truly not out of control. Yes there are things in my life that may be out of control just like everyone else’s. There might be things about our health our bodies that may not be in our control. But that’s not really the daily point. The way we choose to live our life is in our own control.

It is like a new language to me, to make healthy choices, stick to them, and see the results. It sounds like somebody who went to rehab or AAA, seeing the results of a month of good habits and comparing them to the past.  It’s all within the same, breaking out of negative patterns.

Beauty of it is that I didn’t take much. It all revolved around doing less. You mentioned earlier and I will repeat it again, as it is really important to me: that if others around me don’t notice a change, I am not doing it enough, in regards to the social role. I have seamlessly exited out of interactions over this month, whether they be in person or via text or phone. I have a few times ignored phone calls without any frenzied message back, simply let them go to voicemail. I looked at my phone while this was happening and I did not feel like a bad person, or guilty. I am a busy adult and I don’t have time right now. It’s that simple. My entire life I have observed others acting this way feeling that they were able to do this and I wasn’t. But in fact it’s quite simple, it’s allowing yourself to have power over your actions, not something else. It is important for me to also note that I realize so much about the inner circle. Nobody is sitting around waiting for me to be involved in their life, it was entirely self-induced all of my roles and responsibility. People flow into and out of her life in varying degrees based on what is going on in their own life, as well as their own needs. That is not selfish it is just life, so I see that now that I pay attention to my own needs I can also throw in an out as I please. I’ve never faltered other people for doing so, so I surely should not fault myself.

I’ve also been doing a better job at observing the behavior of others. No I’m not saying I’m walking out into the world acting like a psychologist and judging in diagnosing everyone. But I’m taking a very much more observing look at the behavior of someone else before I jump in into reaction Or responsive mode. I noticed that with my mother I never had the chance to do that. Well of course, it wasn’t like if I sat and actually thought about her for longer than a few minutes her needs were changed, she was orderly and unimaginably in sane and difficult.

No I know everyone is not like my mother, but call moderation is necessary. Like my example with the cousin in London, it is easy to jump into the lap of conversations when I don’t take the time to see what and how I should trust and believe.

No one is in need of urgent help  -Well when I say no and I mean not most normal people in my life, perhaps a patient in front of me

I noticed that I quickly believe people, if somebody is going on and on about how terrible the places, I don’t always questioned it. It’s like how I took my mothers opinion to be gold. I don’t exactly do that with other people, but I noticed that I don’t allow my observation to LEAD.

I did today,  there is a lady at work, not the lady I talk about another one, who is extremely nice but can easily turn into Dramatic and complaining sort of person. She is also a physician that I work with. I didn’t work with her today, but in the five minutes that I saw her all she did was complain about their new electronics system.

I took a mental step back and I observe this woman. She looked slightly like in a daze. If I had left that conversation entirely and went over to the bathroom she would have continued to talk. In fact she was entirely having a conversation with herself. That was the whole point, I just happened to be there, she was talking to her self. Now here’s the thing, in those scenarios I am off and right empathetic and compassionate, I give my energy to help the person, to make them feel better. I realize that would have been a waste in the scenario, this person is simply venting, and talking to herself

Talked a lot about absorbing the energy of others, feeling immersed in them. And I know exactly why I, of course there is the background of the mother trauma, but on a simplistic daily basis, I’ve become involved in the conversations of others way too quickly and become entrenched in what they are saying without giving myself the time to observe and wonder is this something I want to be involved in or not? Can I trust with this person is saying enough to want to engage in it?

Could be anyone. I have a friend who is recently divorced and now unemployed, as you can imagine her life is pretty messy right now. I no longer offer her regular advice for comfort. Yet today she asked me some questions about an interview she was going on. She appeared even though it was on text, extremely friends either not all over the place. Because of that, I too felt the need to answer in a frenzied sporadic way as well. But I stopped, I thought to myself, she’s a little bit of the mass and all over the place, she has a lot of time on her hands right now Tends to reach out to people in spurts whenever she has different thoughts. That doesn’t work for me, I am cool calm and study, a mature adult that is focusing on her own healing and inner circle. I don’t engage in random frenzied behavior, well I try not to.

I responded to her, I am at work and so I can’t really chat, if you have some questions that you would like me to help you with email me and I’ll check them out tomorrow. She was gracious and stopped sending me messages

The past I would have felt that this was rude. But I realize, I could be equally helpful to her in this regard, it’s just that I am giving her the boundaries of how I would like to be contacted in regards to formal help. I can’t sit there and text to you interview tips while I am at work.  I Would love to help her and she is a dear friend, it’s just that I will do it in a way if in the future, that is suitable for me and does not cause me any distress. But for now – truly I am sticking to helping myself. She understands this – as she didn’t email or ask any more questions. She simply went on to send me some articles she thinks I would like.

Your test to be taken out, to be assertive is to say what you need, and not get resentful by not saying what you need and expecting people to understand. It Feels powerful to be assertive, if feels mature, it feels like a grounded adult.