Dear Anita,

Wow- regarding the electric and weather! Well I am glad you are in town and have the option to spend time there and read and write. I am glad for this for you.
Regarding the rest of your post.
I simply do not care as much anymore. I know it may not sound real – but it’s true. Something that day (the one I wrote out to you when we are in Philadelphia) changed within me. Not that I don’t care about her. But I feel that day I surrendered my SCC role. Knowing that it was of no use with someone that’s acts like this. This meaning: all the spectrum she showed that day as being a microcosm. Happy excited, feeling lucky. Then annoyed confused and tired. Then angry and frankly just b****y. That last word was key. Man she really is just being a plain B. Not sad. Not scared. Not annoyed. But frankly a B.

I don’t have expectations of her to do any of the following: appreciate mY SCC role. Ask for it or things related to it in a normal fashion. Politely refuse it in a normal fashion. Acknowledge the reality of who she is and much more. No. Just like I didn’t with my mom once I finally figured who she was.

She is an adult and she will be fine on her own. If she isn’t she will learn to cope. We all do. That’s real life. And enabling her eccentricities and hysteria is not helping anyone.

So the plan is key. Yes it is.

Anita. My husband and I are knee deep no eye deep in the decision.  NY or CA. Without further in this exact moment. What does your gut say for us? East or West?

Dear Anita,

Pinot noir yes! Next – HAHAHAHAH

I literally laughed out loud at your response at home- My dog looked at me funny!! The reason I asked for your input for the text message above is because I knew that you would tell me something honest. Oh my gosh I love your response I can’t stop smiling and laughing! The authenticity of our interactions!

So…I agree. Entirely. I thought the same exact thing, the part of it that I didn’t pick up on is what you said, you are a terrible sister. You are right. She is insinuating that I am not doing my role. “Role” as a good sister

Her text message was in a big way – a reminder to me saying “hey I know that you don’t really care about me as a priority, but I’m fine over here, here are some issues that I may have just in case you’re wondering, but you’re likely not wondering because you’re a selfish. A sister that no longer cares at my my day-to-day life or my safety. But in case you find it in your heart to care about me here is some information I will tell you.”

———

So when I read this message I was at brunch with my husband. I did not drop everything to respond to her. But I will tell you the few things that went through my mind.
First of all I read it and I was astonished. I thought, what are you talking about? If I was actually worried about the earthquakes and your trip I would’ve reached out to you. You’re making something up just to find an excuse to talk to me so that you can shame me for not caring about something as worldly as an earthquake!!! I’m not an idiot, I know about natural disasters, and I wouldn’t let anyone I know go on a trip to a national disaster place. Also no one goes on a trip —a girls trip to a place that just had an earthquake if it is in shambles. No one does that. It’s not a thing. so there was zero risk of that happening. Don’t bring up stuff to get attention.

Next, you mention the part about the cockroaches in your apartment. The old me would have dropped everything and said what can I do to help you. You said there are cockroaches in my apartment since Sunday, the exterminators are coming.

i respond to the text with this:

“Glad you can still go on your trip, yes go ahead and send me any information you would like. Oh that sucks the cockroaches, glad it’s getting settled – I hope thats been OK for you.
her response:

No it’s been kinda scary and horrible-the cockroaches lol”

—

lol?

She’s making a joke about a response. If that response came from anyone else it would be funny. It could even be a laugh out loud moment. Of all things cockroaches! A typical classic New York City scenario not uncommon! But here she is, Not trying to quell my fears, not trying to say hey sister I’m fine, no need to worry. She’s trying to do the opposite, she’s trying to instigate worry in me!!! A younger sister who actually cares about what I texted her that I’m going to be missing in action and not really be available would not go out of her way to remind me of something that she is going through  if it’s frivolous like cockroaches!! She would not go out of her way to find a way to have me concerned!! She would not go out of her way to remind me that she exists and I should be on her radar.

I did not get mad at her text, I responded above, nicely and politely like I would do to anyone else. The thing is, she’s not just anyone else, she is my sister and we have had a lot of history.
She told me that she would send the addresses to me. This is something that we always have done for our parents in the past. Normal thing when traveling. Tell them our itinerary. Sure. Perhaps she misses having that security, someone looking over her. That makes sense, and any psychology book you would read that, a child or person that has recently gone no contact is going to crave that parental figure, someone who is concerned about them  looking over them, someone that they can rely on.

got it.

But if you’re so concerned about having this person who is someone you can rely on, someone who wants to give you safety. A figure that is there for love and support, why would you be passive aggressive? Why would you act like an unpredictable b****? Why would you sabotage this by acting impulsively and brash, And not respecting someone in this scenario?

when I say not respecting I’m not saying that she sitting there throwing bricks at us and cursing us out every day. But the way that she acts passive aggressive is still not an excuse. She is unpredictable and the way that she shows concern and respect. Just two weekends ago she was extremely rude.

My dog was staying with her for a day because she stated that she was going to miss him if we move. She wanted him to spend more time with her dog before we moved. So I gave in and said OK I have to go to Philadelphia for an evening, so why doesn’t he come over then. What ended up happening is the following. Our event in Philadelphia ended up being longer than usual. The friend that I was spending time with is actually a very close friend of mine, s. And someone else who you don’t know. Anyway, we are like family I’ve known them for a long time. The parents invited me to their house for dinner, which is right outside of Philadelphia, after the event that we went to. So I was texting my sister that we might end up actually staying another night in Philadelphia, or coming home really late.

Earlier that day she talked about how Much she loved my dog, and was so happy to have them over, and it was brilliant seeing both of the dogs playing together, heartwarming. She said pick him up at any time this weekend. Best time ever and so many fun pics and videos. I said great, we exchange some pictures from my day  and that was that. So then, backing up, I text her and say that we might end up coming home later than we thought, and might even end up staying an extra night in Philadelphia as we are going over for dinner after the event. Therefore it’s going to be later, as of course New York City is a 2 Hour Drive.
At first she responds fine, and then she talks about how she is not feeling well, and she is feeling sick. I said to her, OK well if you’re not feeling OK we can come back early. She then starts texting things like let’s stick to the prior plan. Anything later than the evening is not going to be OK for me. I really need to get rest, (side note my  dog doesn’t let anyone sleep in – my Husband and I are accustomed to this because given our fields, we hardly ever sleep in past 7 AM hence why he as a dog child is likely used to this). She said that she has a bad cold and so she’s going to sleep early and wants to get a good nights sleep before the work week.
I said OK, well in that case why don’t I pay for your cab to go across town and why don’t you just drop him off in my apartment? So that you can go to sleep in peace and you know that he won’t be waking you up at 7 AM on a Sunday.

she says no. “No, I can’t do that. It’s P birthday and we are all going out.” I think to myself OK so you’re too sick to have my dog over, someone that you really want it over and kept going on and on about. But you’re not sick enough to go out with your friend. I reasoned with myself, I remember being in my mid 20s, and I would never give up a social event even if I wasn’t feeling well. So I got it. I remember those days  but hmmmm

Sometime passes and I was spending some time with my Philadelphia Crew. I half an hour or so later, all of them kept begging us to stay over. We hadn’t had a Philly reunion in years, and so therefore they were saying, please stay longer let’s have dinner and have you guys stay over, we need some quality time.

I text my sister again, like a normal sister. I tell her all about the friends that we are hanging out with and I tell her, everyone’s asking us to stay later, so what do you think?  She replies, OK it’s fine I’ll just keep him over.
ok.

What a strange turn of events all day she was going on and telling me all about her day, sending me millions of pictures, and now all of a sudden her demeanor changed. Now she was direct and certain and not warm.
Ok.
So we had to our friends apartment after our dinner, it’s about 9 PM, we all have a glass of wine and some chatter. My husband and I are not feeling so comfortable, first of all we didn’t necessarily want to sleep over as there was a full house, and we had already lost a lot of sleep the night before, sleeping in our own beds was probably something we needed. Second of all, my sister’s demeanor with that Chad didn’t make us feeling very comfortable about keeping our dog with her, if you know what I mean. It wasn’t a warm and fuzzy and comforting situation. So at 10 PM we started driving back. No big deal.
I text her and say- Hey we are not going to sleep over after all, driving back now I’ll be home around midnight. Please keep your door open I will come in and grab the dog, I know you will be sleeping because you don’t feel good.
her response:

oh I will be up then – and she proceeds to send me a barrage of pictures of the dogs.
—-

at that point I hate to say it but my response our loud to my husband was this:

this chick is insane.
—-

Back and forth and back and forth. Luckily I did not allow her to take away from my quality time in Philadelphia. But it started off with her super excited about spending time with the dogs. If that and went to her being stressed out about feeling ill. I don’t want to anger and passive aggressive behavior for keeping my dog, and having him potentially disturb her sleep that she so very much needed. It ended up with her giving in in an aggressive way and saying fine I’ll deal with it. And then after the fact when I try to accommodate again at almost midnight, she acts like she is as lighthearted and fun as could be and states oh don’t worry, I’ll just be fine, I’ll be awake. And proceeds to send funny pictures of the dogs like nothing ever happened. As though —-yay happy dog lover having a blast over here.

It was then that I knew that I was no longer dealing with a normal person. It was then that I knew that my sister has a serious personality disorder. It was then that I knew that she could never be a part of my inner circle. It was then that I knew that I had to tell Anita, and that this was something big. My sister is much more damaged – but more so damaging to me than I ever thought.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Goodness! What a night you had. My advice for you for tonight, and perhaps tomorrow. Eat some good heavy meals, and a lot of water.

I have a good feeling that your husband will be great in that department, giving you some good scrumptious meals. Meals water than you would normally drink. Take it easy, try not to go on the treadmill and just literally be lazy!! sit on the bed sofa and sink in. Tylenol and Advil are okay as long as you don’t have any issues with them. I have a feeling that you collapsed overnight not because of the mix between Tylenol and wine, but because of the shock and perhaps you were dehydrated from the wine, fireplace et Cetera. Also I have a feeling that you’re a lot like me, I’d like to push yourself even when you’re injured, it’s difficult to say: OK let me just be and give myself a day or two. But do that! Yes give in to slowing down!

I’ll wait for your reply before I continue about everything else we’ve spoken about. Health is first!

Dear Anita,

Sorry for the delay in reply. Just got home but was going to write to you now. If you’re at the computer let me know, I assume that you are away spending great time with your husband and  perhaps on your walk. Regardless In my next post I’m going to gather my thoughts and respond to what we have been corresponding about

Dear Anita, just read your reply and had simultaneously posted this:

I am going to go ahead and post this next, as it is flowing freely now.  Feel free to respond whenever!

I am back, now ready to focus on the crux of the matter.  I will write down key points you made. Key understanding of my sister.

A relationship with a bpd person is a source of great distress. It didn’t occur to me until this morning.. it is more serious than I thought.

Yes, it is more serious.  It is more serious than you thought, and more serious than I thought.  BUT – this realization feels good and settling.  It feels like that “ah ha” moment that I have been waiting for.  I obviously got that with my parents, and never looked back on the decision I made.  This isn’t the same.  Yet, having this understanding is epic and will be life changing.  I know it. I feel it already.  In fact, in the last few days that we have discovered this, my relationship with my husband has exponentially improved.  Skyrocketed even!!! Why? Well that goes to your next and most important message:

When your sister asked you some  time ago why you don’t appear to be in love with your husband, she wasn’t aware, and neither were  you aware at the time, that your sister herself was a big part of why you didn’t feel and express that softness to your husband or talked about him with that softness.

Her part in it is that when you repeatedly reached out to her with affection, with love, with the sincere desire to help her so that she will feel better, what was her response: bite you where it is soft, throw dust at you so that you will stumble.

Well, no  wonder then.

I continued to reach out to someone, my sister, with softness, and in turn I got bites.  I got so many bites between my mother and her, I had no softness left.  My sister always says this thing: “well that’s on you, no one is asking for your help all the time.” This would enrage me, I would thing – yes yes you are!!! And seeing it now it is the ultimate slap in the face.  It is someone who is so unraveled and incapable of predictable stability that continues to bite the hand that feeds her.  Wow.

So above I mentioned that I have noticed (and my husband has) monumental change of recent.  As you know I told my sister I was going to be MIA for the rest of the month to which she responded nothing (classic).  And thus, I have not been constantly morning to night worried about her.  Feeling the need to reply back instantly, etc.  You know Anita, one of her biggest complaints to me is how I am always doing a million things at once and always responding to someone immediately etc.  Well how ironic – I learned this as a trained behavior from the two most bloodsucking individuals in my life!!!!

Neither my mother nor sister can function predictably or have healthy relationships.  Of course my sister is doing a better job now and hopefully will continue to heal so that she may.  But regardless – it is the case.  Both of these individuals relied on me so heavily to fill this void for them, and to help them “not be” this way.  It wasn’t a spoken cry for help – it was – well just was! As a result I have had to multi-task my whole life.

So here we are now, of COURSE I didn’t have space for love for my husband.  I was fooled into thinking NC with parents would provide  that space, as it became ENTIRELY occupied by my sister.  and NO not because that is my choice, it is because it is her pathology and pattern.

My husband sat with me on the couch yesterday and told me with true vulnerability, “our chance to be happy in NYC was robbed from us.” As soon as we stepped foot back here, excited for our new chapter – we were bombarded by your sister. Well he would never say bombarded by sister, those are my words – he is far too kind to say so.  But I encouraged him to let it all out.  I then read to him the above quote – about how I have had trouble with softness with him for this exact reason.  I then talked about how I see (and Anita sees) the real issue now.  She true has no value or appreciation, and her erratic and unpredictable ways are constantly bites and disrespect to the people she does have.  Insanity.

I saw my husband there, true sadness in his face.  And I felt Anita, oh I felt.  I felt sadness.  I felt I would do anything to go back and remove the obstacles from our life that didn’t allow us to truly be just us.  Because when we are just us – we are wonderful.  I assured him that our last obstacle is gone, and whether we live East or West – I know better now.  I know that truly nothing will come in between us.

Over the last few days I have been able to be entirely present with my husband.  Entirely.  It is two team mates working together completely.  Notice, how you predicted in the past, he was able to be vulnerable with me and express his true deep emotions.  It felt so good Anita to see this.  But of course heartbreaking.

You know Anita, my family and the insanity that comes with it (including me) has broken his heart.

I will do everything to fix it, and no sister will ever get in the way.  Anything it takes.  He is first.  Now I know better than ever.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Good morning. So much progress so little time.

I have a lot to say and it’s hard to organize it in a sequence, so I figured I will just start. I will let things flow and hopefully get to it all.

First of all, I didn’t comment about what you stated, the dread that you felt that perhaps I was going to end contact. When you read my statement of “maybe it’s best…

It’s not surprising actually, think about it, this recently happened with you and my sister. We aren’t exactly the same, but it wasn’t long ago. You did develop some affection towards my sister and some degree of attachment, which quickly ended. Anytime any kind of relationship ends quickly or drastically like that it does affect us of course. It’s a slight shock -obviously much more if the person is extremely important to you.

Reading a certain language for me probably triggered that and you thought wow, again!

Also everything that you wrote about your mother it makes perfect sense. Something pleasant and positive has to be followed up by negative. I know exactly what you mean when it comes to this. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, too good to be true. All of that!

but no worries Anita- that is not the case here!

I woke up today and I had a lot of thoughts swimming around in my head. Here’s the first one, it may not go in sequence in what we have been writing -but it is important for me to get many of these out, because it is processing the relationship that I have had with my sister. You did a wonderful job of bringing up these old quotes,  because it brought me back especially to that time when we were visiting California last year, and how much my experience with her overshadowed everything. That was very key.

SoLet’s say her diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, BPD, is official. Let’s leave it at that I will get back to that. Obviously a very very crucial point.  The MOST CRUCIAL!!

So, about 2 1/2 years ago before I was going to go no contact, you likely remember me saying something to you. I told you that my husband had this concern, that if I want no contact with my parents, it would make things much worse for my sister. Which I understood would likely be true as well. I mention this to you and you had a good response, you mentioned how it may be true but at the end of the day the people are really negative and toxic for all, so it is not a reason to stay in contact with my parents. Something of that sort.

so I know it’s not a game of who harassed who more, but I did put a lot on my sister. During the time I want no contact, on February 15, 2018. My parents called her thousands of times overnight, while she was in Phoenix. By herself. The next morning I also bombarded her with millions of text messages. I was an emotionally unraveled person, and I was not Messerli thinking of her state. After this time, I was no contact with my parents. I did not communicate with my sister about her happenings with my parents. But I know for sure that things were much worse with her during this time. You know this as well. It got so bad for her that she too wet no I’ll contact. I know in a way this is almost a good thing. It led her to make this decision that was likely best for her future. However, the key here is that because of me things were worse for her. I recall a few years back I had not gone home for Christmas, instead I had gone to my in-laws. Something like that. Well when my sister came home for Christmas, they were entirely silent with her. Because they were so angry with me and what I had done, they punish her.

There were many times where I did not think about what was going on in my sisters life and continue to text and bombard her with all of my drama. Issues with my mom things like this over and over. I know I did it.
I’m not saying all this to excuse her behavior now, but it does make sense that my sister is so angry and resentful of me, perhaps now more than ever. She likely feels that she has gotten so much crap and burden from my parents over these past two years because of me that it made her life a living hell. But in reality, I know that showed her the truth pathology that is my parents and of course it made her leave.  The other thing is that I think deep down inside she gets angry when I place boundaries such as, I can’t talk about this right now, etc. She’s probably thinking in her head, what about all those times where you used to bombard me at any hour when mom was going crazy on you. What about that?

I respond to this now if somebody was to ask me by the following. I didn’t know better then, I was not on the path. I was not on the journey. Now that I do know better, I don’t treat others this way. I have respect for other people’s time, and what they are going through in their old life. I will try my best not to bombard anyone with what I am going through if I know that they cannot handle it. In fact, I am developing my own coping skills so that I don’t actually have to unload on others all the time in general. That is true adult hood and emotional maturity.

So yes I think that is my answer. But her more recent anger and resentment likely comes from all of this plus of course a lifetime of other things but we don’t have to get to that.

Next, I recall at that birthday she said something about how I really need to change, and that even Anita said the same thing. I didn’t ask further because I know that the relationship that you and her had was in confidence. But what she was trying to insinuate is that her and yourself, we’re going to have some sort of intervention with me for my behaviors.

When I heard this, I felt like well I probably do need this help, I have been acting pretty bad especially to my husband, and I get so frenzied I can’t control it.  I wonder what that intervention was going to entail, you don’t have to talk about it I Needa. It’s probably not relevant now anyway. But it seems like my sister was very defiant and in emphatic, thinking gosh, Cali Chica you need help, even Anita says so!!!!! Roar.
Yes her roar is directed towards people. She has lots of anger towards people. If you take me out of this equation right now and think about her friends. All she does is have anger and negativity towards her friends. It’s true.

I have a lot to say about the borderline aspect of things, it’s very enlightening to me. But I will wait for your reply this morning.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I’ll read your post and yesterday’s again in an hour and reply. I am currently selling some furniture and will be able to read and write shortly. Happy Saturday to you.

Dear Anita,

When I wrote that sentence above that you just pasted I paused as well. It was myself asking a question out loud, and then the question quickly became rhetorical. First – This person – my sister, continues to say, why is she blaming me for all her problems. First of all no one should be blaming anyone for all anything. The use of the term all is inappropriate, and juvenile.

Next, I ask myself out loud, is this person throwing dust into my eyes? Yes. Does this dust make it harder for me to see? Yes. Does this dust make it harder for me to breathe? Yes. Does this dust make it harder period. Yes.

Do “regular” people run around the world with dust in their eyes?  No.

Dust is being thrown at me by this individual, and so therefore this individual is making my life more difficult. This person kicks and screams and says how dare you blame me for your problems. But she is in fact the dust drawer, the only one remaining Dust is being thrown at me by this individual, and so therefore this individual is making my life more difficult. This person kicks and screams and says how dare you blame me for your problems. But she is in fact the dust thrower, the only one remaining one. THE dust thrower.
it is her.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.