I thought it only right to update this, one last time.

So with my quarterly cancer check up next Wednesday, I asked if she wanted to meet. To which she came back and said she had a compulsory networking event for work, so wouldn’t be able to meet. Not so bad, but when you consider I was only across the street last Friday for an interview, which she knew about, it’s clear she doesn’t want to see me. It’s funny how you plan things out in your head, and then reality throws you a curve ball. Talk about anti-climatic.

I’m pretty sure she’s dating someone else now, which is probably why she doesn’t want to meet. I’m not upset about that, because honestly I want her to be happy. Even if I wish she’d have tried harder with me. The only shred of comfort I take from all this is that she, most likely, wasn’t cheating on me when we were together.

I’m not going to chase her anymore, I’m not going to ask her to meet again and I certainly won’t be her emotional net. I care about her but I need to protect myself at this point. 7 months of pondering, hoping and trying is enough.

I just wanted to thank everyone who has given me their time and advice, especially you Anita. It has been really helpful hearing other perspectives. If nothing else I’ve learned some hard lessons about relationships and life.

Support as in be a base of strength for her. When we were together I was looking for jobs and going to the gym, that was it. By the time she met me after her exams, I hadn’t made any progress in the job hunt and I was still overweight. I think she gave up on us as a couple at that point.

Although I haven’t got a career sorted, she knows I’m trying hard and have plans for joining the armed forces if a graduate scheme doesn’t come off. So I want her to see I still care, I’m building to something and want to do it with her.

Thanks Anita, I think you are right. She isn’t available for a lasting relationship, and it’s something I’m slowly coming to terms with. I still care about her a lot, and even love her, but she’s not willing to try with me. I asked if she wanted to see a movie this weekend but she turned me down because she has a ‘cold’ and isn’t wanting to go out until she finishes her exams. She is however back on dating apps as I saw her appear on my dating stream tonight… naturally I didn’t like or dislike.

I can only imagine she’s not wanting to go out with me because she doesn’t want to try and fix things. Her dreams and aspirations of joining the armed forces are possible, but with the situation at home, not practical. I don’t know what’s going on in her head but perhaps she’s going back to dating for the escapism you were talking about Anita, or maybe she’s open to a relationship because she realises that she is trapped at home for the foreseeable future? What I don’t understand is why she doesn’t want to try and fix things between us? She likes me, knows she played a major part in us not working (exams and outside pressure) and understands I truly care about her. Maybe she thinks I’ve moved on, but I’ve asked to meet, since our last meeting, 5-6 times in the past 6 weeks. Surely she knows I’m still interested?

I said that my next scan is in February, ‘so maybe we can see each other then’. She’s seen it but hasn’t responded to it. It’ll be interesting to see what, if anything, she says to that.

At this stage I just want to say my peace, unload these heavy emotions I feel and take back some control. So should I wait a little over 2 weeks for a possible meeting or should I have this conversation over the phone?

Hi guys, I hope 2019 is treating you all well and Christmas wasn’t too damaging to the waistlines, I know mine was!

Sorry for not updating but things haven’t really progressed all that much on my end, although there have been some developments for her. So 2 weeks after the meeting I asked to set a date to meet because with Christmas and new year, it was going to be hard to do something spontaneously. To which she said with her exams and work related Christmas parties, it was looking like after Christmas than before. Something I  appreciated. We continued to talk and made sure to send her a good luck message in the morning before her exam, to which she rang me up as soon as she’d finished to let me know she’d passed.

Things continued on as usual, I sent her a Christmas card and my mum sent her a message on Christmas eve wishing her and her family a great Christmas (she asked to see my mum last time we met, maybe to gauge her attitude to her, so I thought it was good to show there wasn’t any bad blood) and she replied in kind. Then on Christmas, after I sent her a Christmas message, she replied that hers had started terribly. I of course asked why, and she copied a long message she had obviously written to someone or multiple people. Basically saying her sister had been kicked out of the house after having a massive ‘fight’ with her mum on Christmas eve. I then asked if she wanted me to ring, and she then rang me up.

The conversation basically outlined that her mum had been making them do all the work for Christmas, and that her mum felt they weren’t acting like a family. She gave an example and said after her exam she went out to celebrate with a guy from work, and her mum thought she should have celebrated with her family.  She then quickly clarified with me that she ‘thinks he’s gay’ and that he’s been dropping her off at her house… I didn’t dwell on it at the time because I wanted to be there for her. I don’t know what to make of that, but it does sound quite friendly.

I continued to support her and ask her how things were for the next few weeks. She thanked me for my continued support and we kept chatting. So this week I rang her up, because I wanted to see how she was (she’d been very ill for the past week and has been on antibiotics) and although she didn’t pick up she did ring me back about 45 minutes later. She sounded quite unwell but we talked about new year, how things were and she gave me some advice on the military and my application. Towards the end I said ‘I know you’re busy with exams, but even if you’re only free in the week, it would be great to see you again.’. To which she replied ‘yeah I’ll let you know when I’m free’.

Honestly I’m feeling a little frustrated, because I still haven’t been able to wrestle back some control over our relationship, and the next possible time I’m in the area is when I have my next scan. Which is 5 weeks away. I’m not sure what to do, on the one hand I could just call her up and have the conversation with her. However I personally feel its something you should do face-to-face. With that being said I could wait another 5 weeks and she could blow me off at the last minute…. and if I’m being truthful 5 more weeks isn’t a short amount of time. Yes she’s got exams, yes she’s got responsibilities and needs time to do things for her but I don’t think I’m as important to her as she is to me and maybe it’s time for me to be a little more selfish….

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Anita and Mark,

Anita, I think that’s the best way to go about it. I’m obviously prepared if she asks me straight if I want more, but I don’t think she will. Just focusing on having a good time and gauging how she is with me. Equally I think you’re also right Mark. I am at risk of being seen as her emotional blanket, through difficult times, without the relationship. With that being said I think she still fosters some feelings for me, however I’m not sure if it’s mixed with a healthy dose of guilt about her part in the relationship failing.

Depending on if we meet, and how the evening goes, I’ve been thinking a lot about putting my cards on the table a few days after. In essence, ring her up when she’s free to have a private talk and say how I’m feeling and what I’m looking for.  Making it clear my feelings for her run deep and acknowledging that maybe the time isn’t right for a relationship for us, but give us the option to do things if we both have time or want to.

If she doesn’t feel the same way, it’s going to hurt but it’s better than being in this emotional purgatory indefinitely.

Hello guys,

It’s been a while since I last updated this so I thought I should.

Not a lot has really changed since I last posted. Whilst she still talks to me, and keeps me updated in important events in her life via text and call, we still haven’t met. I deliberately haven’t asked to meet until it was plausible to meet for a coffee/drink, without it looking like I was engineering a date… So with my appointment for my check up next week, I’ve asked if she wants to meet after work. She said she didn’t have an issue with meeting, which isn’t exactly enthusiastic but maybe she’s a little apprehensive.

Now that she’s tentatively agreed to meet, I’m starting to think a lot about what I’m hoping to achieve from all this. Although she’s starting a new job and is confident about the future, I still don’t feel she’s settled on a path. As for me, I’m still working towards building my career and building myself up on a personal level. So knowing that not a lot has changed since we broke up, I don’t believe getting into a committed relationship would end well for us. I suppose what I’m hoping to do is open her up to the idea of doing things together as ‘pseudo-friends’, without the complications of a relationship. Whilst making my feelings clear. Then if we both want it, entertain the idea of building something together if the time is right. I don’t know if that’s realistic or not. Although I’ve been on a number of dates, and I’m moving forward with the belief it’s not going to come off, I just don’t trust my objectivity right now. With that being said I feel that if things don’t evolve beyond this pen pal status, it’s going to fizzle out.

Personally if she meets me (I’m not sure she will until we actually meet) I’m going to steer well away from talk about our relationship, unless she brings it up. Just focusing on having a good time and making her laugh, kind of like a first date. Then see if she texts me about how she had a good time,  go from there? Bringing up the idea of doing more things together.

I’d really appreciate some input on my plan .

Hi everyone, I hope you’re all well. I thought I’d update on what’s happened over the past 2 weeks.

I initially asked to meet her last Saturday, the Wednesday before the planned meet, to which she said she’d need to see if she was free. However due to the unexpected death of a family pet, I decided it was better to push it back as I didn’t want to have it dominate my emotions and the conversation. It turned out she was busy that day anyway. So I said that I should be in the area next weekend, which she didn’t acknowledge.

So we continued to talk throughout the week and I asked her if she was free this Saturday. She then replied saying ‘please don’t see this as me avoiding you……. my sister doesn’t know anyone in the area so we’re (family) going to spend some time with her.’. Her sister has moved to a new job, about 30 miles away from their home, only 2 weeks ago and I completely agree that she should put her sister first. However I’m not sure how to move forward.

Part of me thinks it’s up to her to now say when she’s free, or at least give hints that she’s not doing anything. On the other hand, technically she’s only pushed me back once so asking her again in a couple of weeks might also be a good option? That way I can then honestly say I’ve given her ample opportunity to explore any residual or new feelings she might have, if any at all.  At the end of the day actions speak louder than words. If she wanted to see me she’d be putting herself in a position were we’d be meeting…I think for my own sake I should put her to the back of my mind if she isn’t prepared to meet.